One time in high school, I had too much to drink and accidentally ripped my arm open on a park bench. I was bleeding pretty bad, but I couldn’t go…

One time in high school, I had too much to drink and accidentally ripped my arm open on a park bench. I was bleeding pretty bad, but I couldn’t go home to get help because my parents would’ve punished me, so I just sat in the park and threw up, covered in blood and vomit. Getting ready for tonight’s terrible Bachelorette episode, I miss that fun night.

Rachel Lindsay has three boyfriends remaining. Tonight, Rachel’s boyfriends will meet her family. She will also have sex with all three of her boyfriends and then dump one. It’s always the third worst episode of the season. There will be Fantasy Suites with sex invitations from Chris Harrison. There will be crying and snot. There will be people jumping off a boat into an ocean. And, ultimately, there will be drama, because it’s ‘The Bachelorette’.

We begin in Dallas, TX. Wait, that’s not a tropical island! ABC is cutting costs. Maybe all those helicopter rides have caught up with them. I hope this means the show will be cancelled. Rachel meets all three of her boyfriends at a hotel and tells them they’re meeting her family. Things will be kept real. I guess they’ll go to an exotic location after meeting the family. It’s always better to meet someone’s family and then have a television crew tape your sexual encounter.

Peter gets the first chance to meet Rachel’s family. They stop in a store to buy Rachel’s sister a baby gift since she’s about to have a baby. This isn’t fair because, if Peter isn’t picked, he’s throwing his money away. That baby will never appreciate this gift from a man its never met. Also, if they’re gonna get the baby something, get it a savings bond. That’s a practical, genuine gift that the baby can enjoy when its 17.

Back at the hotel, Bryan and Eric discuss how Peter said he wouldn’t get immediately married to Rachel if he wins the game show. These guys can’t believe that a man wouldn’t just up and marry a woman after dating her on camera for six weeks. I can’t believe it either. Eric is here for the wrong reasons. I get so mad I throw a beer at my TV. Peter needs to learn to blindly marry people whether he’s ready or not. Idiot.

Before they go in Rachel’s house, Peter pulls Rachel aside to tell her that he is falling in love with her. Rachel is super happy to hear that because you need to be in love to win the game show. This means Peter is still eligible. Peter and Rachel slurp faces and we get to hear it in stereo.

The happy couple goes inside to sit in front of food they won’t eat. Rachel says that her dad will not be present. She doesn’t explain why. If her dad is anything like my dad, he’s hates being on ABC.

The family sits down at a table. Peter talks about how his parents fell in love. It’s a long, pointless story. There are white people at the table. I have no idea who they are. Peter admits that he only fell in love with Rachel recently. The entire family nods because they approve of the recent love. This family is obviously open to love. I could never have been on this show because one of my brothers would have laughed at my girlfriend when she talked about love and then punched her in the arm.

Rachel brings her sister into the other room to talk about love. We have an hour and 45 minutes to go! They talk about how Rachel has to be careful because she’s dating three men. I nod. I’m now fully prepared to date three men.

Peter goes into the living room to talk to a white guy. What the hell could you possibly learn from one of those? The white guy asks Peter something but I’m not even paying attention because who cares.

Rachel’s mom asks Rachel what Peter’s red flags are and Rachel admits that Peter might not just marry her six weeks after meeting her. Rachel’s mom nods. There is so much nodding. It’s super noddy. Meanwhile, I’m nodding off!!! Hey-ooo!!!

Rachel’s mom asks Peter why he might not propose. He says that he has to know he’s ready to marry Rachel before he marries her. He’s tasted love but he’s not ready to get the whole kitchen. Rachel’s mom agrees with the waiting. The waiting is good. These people are nuts. You kids at home reading this should never wait. I don’t care what we’re talking about, just do it. Life is too short not to marry a guy you just met on TV.

Peter plays with Rachel’s sister’s kid. It’s super touching. The family loves Peter. They don’t care that he isn’t ready to get married. You guys don’t care either, admit it. No one is on my side.

Next, it’s Eric’s turn to date. Finally, someone ready to get married right now! If you don’t care to remember, Eric is the guy who used to be evil but is now super cool. Rachel and Eric start off in some high Dallas building. I guess they don’t think Eric should buy anything for Rachel’s sister’s baby. I’m sure Eric will appreciate how angry Rachel’s family will be to see him come into their home empty-handed.

Eric and Rachel hug while looking out at Dallas. It’s the only way to hug. My wife and I won’t hug unless we’re looking at Dallas. It’s usually just a Google image search. You guys should try it. After hugging in front of Dallas, they sit down and drink champagne. You just can’t drink champagne in the middle of the day. That stuff gets you tired and loopy. Start off with a beer or some Smirnoff Ices. These people are idiots.

Next, Rachel takes Eric to meet her family. Keep up. We’ve already met these people so I’m very bored. Rachel’s house is super nice because they don’t let poor people be the Bachelor or Bachelorette. Just once, I want the Bachelorette to bring her suitors to the storage garage where she keeps her hot plate and poo bucket. Poor people deserve love too, ABC. Jerks.

Eric is forced to answers questions about whether or not he’s ready for a serious relationship because he’s never been in love. Rachel’s sister likes Eric because he’s very real. Boy, if you’re “real”, you’ve got it made on this show. You just be real and you’re home free.

Eric talks to Rachel’s mother about love. ABC plays soft ‘Eric is talking about love’ music. He says that he knows how difficult marriage can be but he wants to have kids and go for the long haul. He asks for Rachel’s mom’s permission to marry Rachel. Despite the 15 years of evidence that this stupid show has provided, Rachel’s mom gives Eric her blessing. Eric can marry Rachel. I can’t wait to see how happy they’ll be for a couple of weeks.

Bryan gets the next chance to meet Rachel’s family. They are both wearing the watch they bought in Switzerland. Eric is jealous because he didn’t buy a watch in Switzerland. Before leaving, Rachel hugs her other boyfriends in front of the boyfriend she’s dating today. It’s not at all awkward. I always stand by patiently as my wife hugs the other men she dates.

Peter admits that he doesn’t like Peter because of his Miami swagger. Peter says, “In Miami, there’s a lot of fake boobs, fake asses and fake cheeks.” I guess this is an indictment. Personally, I think Miami sounds interesting. They should put “fake boobs, fake asses and fake cheeks” on their license plates.

Before meeting Rachel’s family, they meet up with Rachel’s friends. They talk and there’s talking. Rachel’s friends ask Peter tough questions. He does a good job answering them. Everyone laughs. It makes my ears bleed. I hate these people. There’s still an hour left. What could possibly fill another hour of programming?

Next, we meet Rachel’s family for the third time. I hate this family so much. I haven’t even seen my own family three times this year. Bryan is super upfront about his love for Rachel. It’s upfronty. Rachel’s mom doubts Bryan’s love for Rachel. It’s doubty. There’s so much happening. This show isn’t boring any more, it’s stressful. I can’t keep up.

Rachel’s mom grills Bryan over priorities and commitment. She’s harsher on Bryan than she was the other boyfriends. ABC plays dramatic ‘Rachel’s family doesn’t trust Bryan’ music. Now I’m doubting this whole process. Rachel’s sister tells the camera that Bryan is a charmer who lies about being in love with Rachel to impress the family.

While he’s being grilled about his true intentions, Bryan excuses himself. He can’t handle the heat. He got a taste of the kitchen and he can’t handle the heat. Even the white people are being mean to Bryan.

Next, Rachel’s sister pulls Bryan aside to personally grill him for being in love. This show is confusing. They hate you if you’re not in love and they yell at you for being in love. Love is hard enough, yo. Rachel’s sister tells Bryan that she’s suspicious of him because, every time they asked him a question, he had an answer. She thinks he’s fake. Wait, what was he supposed to do when asked a question? Don’t you want an answer if you ask a question? Isn’t that how school went? Did I not pass school? ‘Cause that’s what I did. Every time someone asked me a question, I answered. Shit. I totally screwed up school.

Rachel’s mom tells Rachel that she doesn’t think Bryan should throw the word “love” around after a couple of weeks because her husband didn’t love her in a couple of weeks. Look, just ‘cause you’re lazy-ass husband didn’t immediately love you, that doesn’t mean you should take it out on Bryan! I was addressing that directly to Rachel’s mom, in case she’s reading this. She’s probably not. In fact, it’s possible no one is reading this. I wouldn’t blame anyone. I’m not even really paying attention to what I’m writing.

Rachel’s mom gives Bryan her blessing, not for marriage, but to continue to seek love with Rachel. He already found that love, but I’m not going to argue with Rachel’s mom. She doesn’t even read my recaps. There’s no talking to this woman.

Next, we fly to Spain. Not literally. Rachel and her boyfriends fly to Spain. ABC shows us Spain. We totally see it. Rachel says that, “It’s such a romantic place for falling in love.” I thought that was Paris. I guess you can fall in love in Spain. Anything’s possible.

Eric gets the first date in Spain. When talking about Eric, Rachel clarifies how Eric has behaved differently than Bryan. She says, “He has used the word love, but in a friendly way.” Wait, how did Bryan use the word love? Did he love her threateningly? Did he love her as a bribe? Since when is love not friendly? There’s no time to answer because Rachel and Eric have climbed into a helicopter and they’re flying over Spain and it’s the most romantic thing ever. Fuck Paris!

Rachel and Eric make out in the helicopter. They’re all sorts of happy. You guys are happy too, admit it. I love you guys, but in a friendly way.

Eric tells the camera that he’s ready to get in touch with his feelings. He says that he’s going to tell Rachel how he really feels. I guess that means he’ll use the word love in a threatening manner. I can’t wait.

They sit down on a wall in Spain. I have no idea what the wall is for. I’ve never been to Spain. I guess it’s to keep wolves out. Rachel explains that they’re at a monastery. That’s where monks go, I think. Rachel says that they have to ring a monastery bell and make a wish so they do. I made a wish but it didn’t come true. I can still hear the show.

After they sit on a wall, Eric and Rachel sit at a table to talk. So much sitting. What could I possibly have done to deserve this? Rachel wants Eric to express his true feelings. Eric gives a long speech about how Rachel pushes him to be a better person. He tells Rachel that he loves her. ABC plays super heartfelt ‘Eric loves Rachel’ music. It’s the most romantic thing that has ever happened. This is way better than that hack Bryan’s stupid love. Rachel and Eric make out, just as the romantic music builds to a crescendo. It’s amazing how they timed their kiss to that exact moment. Timing is everything.

After they make out, Rachel hands Eric Chris Harrison’s sex invitation. He accepts Chris Harrison’s sex invitation and then Eric and Rachel go off to have sex in their Fantasy Suite. ABC plays soft ‘Rachel and Eric are going to have sex’ music. This show is so romantic, it makes ‘The Notebook’ look like a piece of burning garbage.

Peter gets the next sex date. There are only 25 minutes left and she still has to have sex with her other two boyfriends! They better not try to stretch this show out another episode. They meet in a vineyard, or something. Rachel says, “You do not go to the northern region of Spain and NOT go to a vineyard.” That was my yearbook quote.

Rachael and Peter talk to a Spain guy who’s been married 57 years. The guy doesn’t speak English, so we’re forced to read subtitles. I hate ABC. How dare they make me read! The old Spain guys sings and it never ends. Can’t we just fast forward to the sex invitation? I never thought I’d miss Rachel’s stupid family, but I’d kill to hear them talk over this annoying creep.

The old Spain guy takes Rachel and Peter back to a wine prison and shows them some wine behind bars. I have no idea what’s going on. Please don’t ask me to explain. They take the wine and leave. I think they’re stealing.

Rachel and Peter sit outside to talk about their journey. It’s terrible. While they’re talking, a little Spanish girl interrupts their conversation and leads them back to a giant barrel. Again, I don’t know what’s happening. Keep up! There are grapes in the barrel and they stomp the grapes. Remind me to never buy Spanish wine. I do not want their STD-ridden feet all over my wine. I’ll take a nice nip of Boone’s any day.

After stomping grapes, Rachel and Peter drink more wine. Then, there’s more talking. Rachel says that she didn’t come on this show to NOT have someone propose to her at the finale. Peter disagrees. He doesn’t think you should get engaged until you’re ready because getting engaged is like getting married. Rachel thinks engagements are something you do when you win a game show and it’s super convenient to tell people you’re engaged. I don’t think this is going to work, you guys.

Peter starts to tear up because he thinks he just lost the game show. Because Rachel likes and respects Peter, she accepts their differences and agrees to date him a little while longer to see where things go. Nah, not really. ABC ends the show to make things more dramatic.

The show ends and Rachel only had sex with one boyfriend. Next week, the men will tell all. So, we’ll hear all. Up to this point, we’ve only had a taste of “all.” Next week, we’ll get the whole kitchen.