It’s a brand new season and Rachel Lindsay, the Bachelorette, is black. ABC is super excited because they’ve never had anything but stupid white people as the lead star of their terrible game show. It only took them 15 years. Way to go, ABC! The good news is, no matter who is on the show, it’ll still be a train wreck. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.
I’m excited to recap this season because my doctor told me I have high blood pressure and maybe my hatred for this franchise might finally cause a blood vessel to rupture or something and I catch a break.
We begin with Chris Harrison talking. If you’re going to make something super awful, Chris Harrison talking is a good start. Chris Harrison mentions how much America loves Rachel. You guys totally love Rachel, don’t you?
I’ll admit, Rachel seems nice. It’s a shame I’m going to grow to despise her over the next couple of weeks. It’s nothing personal, Rachel, but you can’t jump into a pile of poo without getting some poo on you. That’s not mine. That’s Confucius’s.
Next, we get to see Rachel walking around while a camera follows her. She plays basketball. Sports quota filled. All of the shots Rachel takes go in the basket. She is totally good at basketball. Why did she become the Bachelorette when she could have just become a basketball player? Next, she puts on big people clothes and does attorneying. She’s an attorney. We see her in court. She objects. It’s super objectioney. Rachel is probably the best attorney ever.
Next, we watch Nick dump Rachel. It’s a flashback to what happened during the last season of ‘The Bachelor’. Keep up! Hey, when Rachel got dumped by Nick, she should have shouted, “Objection!” That would have been awesome. Hi-five, you guys.
After watching the things we’ve already seen, we get to see new footage of Rachel driving around Los Angeles. She says she’s going to keep it real. In truth, that’s the only way to keep it. I know I’ve been waiting for a Bachelorette to finally keep it real. You guys haven’t been doing your best to keep it real, admit it!
Next, we meet some of the contestants. Kenny is a professional wrestler. His wrestling name is Pretty Pitbull, or something. He has a daughter. Kenny does wrestling things and we get to watch. I’m so into this show that I just accidentally shit my pants.
Some guy named Jack is also a lawyer. We get to see him on the phone in his office lawyering. Jack lost his mom, so he’s sad. ABC shows him sitting by the water being sad about his dead mom. It’s super sad. I bet the producers took Jack to the water and said, “Sit right there, by the water, and act sad.” And Jack was all, “What should I think about?” And the ABC guys said, “Think about your dead mom.” And Jack said, “Okay.”
A weightlifting guy named Alex tells us that he’s strong and smart. We watch him lift weights, then he lifts up a book to read it. It’s a good way to show us how smart he is, because he reads. He totally lifts the book and then reads it. His big arms lift that book right up. It’s unusual. I’m not sure why he didn’t just work out for a bit, shower, and then read, but I’m not big on the whole weight lifting/reading thing, so I’m not an authority on this topic. What’s important for you to remember is that Alex reads by lifting up the book toward his eyes in a curling motion.
Next comes Lucas, the biggest shit bird who ever lived. Lucas is totally crazy. He’s so nuts, you guys. You don’t even know. He screams a bunch. Lucas even screams out a made-up word “whaboom” or something. Lucas is the absolute worst. I’m going to eat a bunch of aspirin and sleep for a bit. ABC really cares a lot about Rachel, so they forced her to date a terrible actor who constantly screams so it’ll be easier for her to find love.
There’s a guy named Diggy. He’s called Diggy because he dresses nice. I don’t know. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I do this?
There’s another lawyer guy named Josiah. ABC also shows Josiah on the phone, being a lawyer. Josiah’s brother died and it’s super sad so you guys should root for him to win because a 4-week engagement will fix everything. If I find out you guys aren’t rooting for Josiah, I’m going to yell “objection!” Josiah tells the camera that he’s coming to LA to make Rachel his wife. It’s not creepy at all. Whenever I’m about to meet a woman, I always tell her I’m on my way to make her my wife. It gets it out of the way so we can concentrate on our love.
Next, we show Rachel getting ready to meet her men. She stands in the bathroom and fixes her hair. We get to watch it because there’s a man with a camera right next to her. Thank God for that man.
Before meeting her 31 boyfriends, Rachel drives over to talk to her friends. Her friends are the women who dated her former boyfriend Nick during the last season of the Bachelor. I know, whenever I date a man, I always become friends with the other women he dated. Nothing brings you closer to a person than sharing a boyfriend.
The girls gab about love. I listen because I’m a big fan of love. Love rules. These ladies know a ton, too! I learn a lot. I know so much more about love. Ask me anything.
Rachel’s friends tell her that she deserves a fairy tale love. She totally does. I love fairy tales. Especially the ones where the hero dates 31 people at once.
Next, Rachel meets her 31 boyfriends. I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict that I will hate every single one of them. As is tradition, a bunch of the guys act stupid to stand out. It’s a great move. Let that be a lesson to you kids at home. Always be stupid.
One of the guys calls Rachel a triple threat because she has “brains, beauty and personality.” I would say a real triple threat would be a woman who had a gun, a crossbow and glands that shoot venom.
The gimmicks are terrible, as usual. One guy uses a hammer to break ice. A guy named Blake brings a marching band. Blake is listed as an “aspiring drummer.” Blake is 31-years old. If you’re 31 and you’re an “aspiring drummer”, you’re also probably “homeless.”
Halfway through the man-meeting, Chris Harrison steps in to ask Rachel how it’s going. Rachel says it’s going well. Chris Harrison agrees. The man-meeting then continues.
One guys went to school with Rachel. He brings his yearbook. It’s nice. I always carry my yearbook around in case I meet someone who might sign it.
Next, Johnathan steps out of the limo. His occupation is listed as ‘Tickle Monster’. Is there money in Tickle Monstering? Should I reconsider my occupation? Do the Tickle Monster have a union? Answer me!
Tickle Monster asks Rachel to close her eyes, then he tickles her. It’s super rapey. Just so you know, if you’re not on TV and you tickle a woman who doesn’t know you or know the tickle is coming, you go to jail. You guys should know that.
There’s a ventriloquist. His name is Adam. He brings a dummy named Adam Jr. Whenever I want to communicate to a woman that there’s a good chance I’ll murder her, I always bring a dummy named Greg Jr.
Matt dresses up like a penguin and tells Rachel that penguins mate for life and that he wants to mate with Rachel for the rest of his life. It’s a strong come on. You might want to start with a girl’s favorite band? I don’t know. The good news is, none of you read down this far so it doesn’t matter.
Next up, it’s the Whaboom guy. Whaboom guy’s occupation is listed as Whaboom. He brings a megaphone and is the absolute worst. I hate ABC so much. I want everyone involved in the making of this show to be stabbed in the ear with a Philips-head screwdriver, dragged into a desert, doused with honey and tied to a fire ant hill. If you work for ABC and you’re reading this, you will never be forgiven.
Up next, everyone drinks. The guys pull Rachel aside to talk about stuff. Josiah talks to Rachel about lawyer stuff. It’s super about the law. I feel like I could pass the bar right now.
In one scene, Rachel is wearing a white fur coat. Then, we see one of the guys putting his coat around her shoulders. I thought they filmed this in LA? Isn’t it always 70 degrees there? Does ABC make it cold on purpose? I thought the planet was warming. This show has no rules.
Some guy named Brian talks Spanish. It’s Spantastic. Rachel gets all weak in the knees. You guys got weak in the knees too, admit it. Brian talks to Rachel for 13 seconds and then starts sucking on Rachel’s face. They totally made out. It was one of the earliest slurp-fests in Bachelorette history. This show has no rules!
Just when things could not get more intense, Chris Harrison brings out the first impression rose. The first impression rose is the rose that Rachel gives to the boyfriend who boyfriends the best on the first night. It gives that boyfriend immunity from being eliminated from the game show for one night. The first impression rose is like penicillin in a river of syphilis.
There’s one drunk guy named Mohit. Mohit has trouble walking. Getting drunk is a bad move. It’s almost as bad as carrying around a megaphone and screaming Whaboom.
The Whaboom guy is not here for the right reasons and Blake isn’t happy about it. Blake tells the camera that he’s going to put an end to Whaboom’s wrong-reasonedness. Blake, and this is important, keeps it real. Blake does not like when things are not kept real. He especially doesn’t like it when things are kept Whaboom.
The scene gives us this important exchange:
Whaboom: “I feel like everyone has a little bit of Whaboom in them.”
Blake: “I have no Whaboom in me.”
You kids pay attention because you’re going to be reading that conversation in history books someday.
The guys start to get competitive about spending time with Rachel. They push each other to get next to her. Things get heated. It’s almost as if one woman shouldn’t date 31 men at once? I don’t know.
Rachel pulls Brian aside to give him the first impression rose. She tells him that he made a really good first impression. Brian accepts the rose because he wants to win the game show. Next, we get to watch Brian and Rachel make out for a full minute. There’s a lot of open mouth. I feel like I could have landed a plane in their open, slurping mouths and neither of them would have noticed.
Chris Harrison comes out and stops the party. The rose ceremony is next. I’m being very serious, if Whaboom guy gets a rose, I’m not watching another episode of this stupid show. I will refuse. You guys can’t make me. Now, just thinking about it, I really want Whaboom guy to get a rose because I don’t want to watch this season. Rachel, please give Whaboom a rose! Now I want it to happen.
The rose ceremony is next. Rachel is nervous. She says, “I don’t like to hurt feelings.” That’s strange because she agreed to go on a game show where she dumps 30 men. If I didn’t like to hurt feelings, I wouldn’t do that, but who am I? I don’t even have any Whaboom in me.
Roses are handed out. The music is intense, like someone is about to be murdered. As the roses run out, the guys get nervous. Blake doesn’t have a rose and he’s getting angry that Whaboom might get one. He says, “Lucas is not here for love. He is here to be on TV and to Whaboom his way to success.” From now on, my only goal in life is to Whaboom my way to success. Also, I just taught my computer that Whaboom is a word. My computer is now stupid.
The final rose of the night is given to Whaboom. Upon receiving the rose, Whaboom shakes his head a bunch while yelling. This guy isn’t even funny on accident. I would laugh at a car accident before cracking a smile over anything Whaboom does. He’s the opposite of comedy. He’ll probably have his own sitcom in a year.
Rachel dumps a bunch of her boyfriends. I do not recognize any of them. Milton cries to the camera. It’s a good way to go out. I can’t make fun of him though because he did know Rachel for 8 minutes. Any one of us would cry.
Obviously, my threat about Whaboom guy getting a rose was a bluff. I’m still going to recap the show because I hate myself.
Next, we get to see preview footage of the season ahead. Rachel travels the world with her stupid boyfriends. She makes out a bunch. The guys scream Rachel’s name. There’s dog sledding because ABC thought that some dogs should suffer too. There’s tension because the guys are all super macho. ABC promises us that there will be blood. There will literally be blood. They show it. We see it. Whaboom.