I chewed off all of my fingernails, waiting desperately to find out which of her four boyfriends JoJo dumped. ABC knows but they didn’t want to tell us last week….

I chewed off all of my fingernails, waiting desperately to find out which of her four boyfriends JoJo dumped. ABC knows but they didn’t want to tell us last week. You see, there was so much quality content jammed packed into last week’s episode that they couldn’t fit in the ending. They had to tack it onto the beginning of this week’s show. Unless, of course, they run out of time again this week. Maybe we’ll have a two-hour rose ceremony that doesn’t end. Anything can happen! This show has no rules. It’s bedlam! It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.


When we last left JoJo, she was just about to dump Luke. Then, she changed her mind because Luke talked to her for four seconds. Then, the show ended. ABC showed everything again at the beginning of tonight’s show because they think we’re idiots.


JoJo is still crying. This girl is like the Art Monk of crying. Sports quota filled. JoJo shakes off the crying jags, pulls her self together (she does not pull her dress together at the chest ‘cause those boys are gettin’ some air!) and resumes the dumping. She dumps Chase. We waited a whole week to watch her do the thing she said she was going to do.


Chase is devastated. You can tell by his completely expressionless face. This guy’s face never moves. He might be a cowboy robot. I’ve seen DMV employees who show more emotion than Luke.

JoJo cries because she feels bad about dumping Luke. She says that she cares so much for him. Well, she totally shouldn’t have dumped him then. I try to never dump people I care for.


Luke is super confused. He says, “You didn’t want me anymore?” and JoJo says, “It’s not that.” Then, Luke says, “Bleep.” We’ll all remember this moment when we watch it again at the Emmys.


Luke is still super confused when he gets in the dump limo. He tells the camera that he can’t process what has happened. His hard drive is all screwed up. Luke finally shows some emotion by crying. JoJo never stopped crying. She yells, “It wasn’t supposed to be this hard” and “What if this was a mistake?” I don’t know what her problem is. She gave the relationship a fair shot, dating him while also dating a bunch of other guys, twelve minutes at a time. You can’t do much more than that.


The slurp show must go on. JoJo brings her three boyfriends to Hua Hin, Thailand. It’s a magical place that will soon see a spike in their STD numbers. ABC will give JoJo Fantasy Suites in which to make the sex with her guy friends.


JoJo walks around Thailand and thinks about her journey. I’m glad for this. I was just wondering to myself how JoJo’s journey was going. I may have never known if not for this footage of her walking around and talking about her journey. JoJo still feels bad about dumping Luke, but is looking forward to further developing her relationships with what’s his name and who’s his face. She tells the camera that she hopes this week will develop some answers. That chest can’t develop any more, because those puppies are barking, amiright?


Robby gets the first dip in the pool. They meet in the streets of Hua Hin and it begins to rain. It’s super romantic. JoJo and Robby get their feet rubbed. It wasn’t awkward enough to talk about relationships and make out in front of camera guys, they needed to do it while having their feet rubbed too. These people have no shame.


We’re fourteen minutes into the show and the word “journey” has been said one thousand times. It’s gotta be a record. JoJo and Robby make out in a gazebo, or something. Who cares.


It’s nighttime already. Keep up! JoJo and Robby visit a place with rocks and flowers to not eat food. Robby tells JoJo that he told his family he loved her. That poor family. Imagine having to hear about his journey in person. Robby’s dad gave him a note and Robby had JoJo read it on TV. I hope Robby’s dad sues him for slander. Also, who’s dad writes them notes? The only note my dad ever wrote me said, “If the lawn isn’t mowed by the time I get home, you better not be there.” I also gave that note to my girlfriend to read out loud.


After reading Robby’s dad’s note, JoJo and Robby make out. JoJo loved the note. I can’t remember what it said. Something about love or trust or something. It was probably just old Pearl Jam lyrics.


JoJo pulls out Chris Harrison’s Fantasy Suite invitation. You see, Chris Harrison likes to make people have sex, so he sets up a really swanky room, has Bachelorette interns cover it with candles and roses, and then Chris Harrison makes the couples agree to have sex. I’ll bet the Fantasy Suite doubles as a legal document.


Robby accepts his sex invitation. He and JoJo go to their sex suite and make out a ton while a camera guy stands two feet from them. I hope these camera guys are just the fattest, sweatiest, creepiest guys ever. I hope they fart while Robby and JoJo make out. I hope one of them makes a noise or mutters “Oh, yeah!” I hope this, so much. 


It’s the next day. Keep up! Robby and JoJo are eating breakfast in bed. They actually eat some of the food. JoJo tells the camera that she loves Robby. She hasn’t told Robby that she loves him, in case she has to dump him tomorrow. This JoJo is pretty smart.


Aaron Rodger’s little brother gets the next date. JoJo runs up to him on the beach and they hug. It’s super romantic, even though it’s not raining. JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother go to climb a mountain. Aaron Rodger’s little brother talks about how amazing their journey has been. It really has been an amazing journey. I can’t even believe their journey. Someone should make a video game about their journey, like Oregon Trail.


JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother climb a bunch of stairs that lead to a cave. How come they go up but come to a cave? Aren’t caves down? Is Thailand, like, on the other side of the earth, so up is down? Why don’t you guys ever answer my questions?


It turns out the cave is a temple, so JoJo has to cover her shoulders and they’re not allowed to make out. JoJo is so respectful of the temple. I doubt that the guys who set up the temple rules would even care that she’s in the middle of a week-long, televised sex romp. They’d probably be like, “Oh, she covered her shoulders and promised to go ten minutes without jamming her tongue down this guy’s throat, so she’s cool.”

JoJo complains to the camera because she really wants to rub abs with Aaron Rodger’s little brother. She tells the camera that it’s a good thing because they’ll be able to talk to each other and learn stuff. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home. If you want to marry someone, take them to a temple in Thailand so you can learn about them instead of just making out all of the time.


JoJo talks about her family. It’s super boring. I wish they could just make out so I didn’t have to listen to this crap. Aaron Rodger’s little brother talks about stuff too. I hate this show. JoJo still isn’t sure about Aaron Rodger’s little brother. She tells the camera that she doesn’t know what his true intentions are yet. She should just read one of those spoiler articles online. Those people know how this all ends.


JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother leave the cave and head to a different place to not eat food. Aaron Rodger’s little brother tells JoJo that he doesn’t think he’ll leave JoJo. He says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with JoJo. JoJo says, “That’s what Ben said.” So, JoJo still isn’t over getting dumped by Ben, but agreed to date 28 guys. She’s a psychopath.


Aaron Rodger’s little brother says that he has a feeling with JoJo that he’s never had before. I’ll bet it’s nausea. He says that having feelings for a woman is a big deal for him. It’s a big deal for you guys too, admit it.


JoJo has her doubts about Aaron Rodger’s little brother, but she hands him Chris Harrison’s sex invitation. Aaron Rodger’s little brother accepts. They go off to their room and, let’s be clear, this room ain’t no temple! There will be some smooch-a-rooin’ in here! They immediately get right to it. It’s all slurpy and stuff. It’s weird how no one ever looks at their cell phone. This show would be more realistic if both of them constantly checked their cell phone. JoJo has sex with Aaron Rodger’s little brother.


It’s the next day. Keep up! Aaron Rodger’s little brother and JoJo eat breakfast. This is exactly like the Fantasy Suite date with Robby. Does JoJo date these guys, like, the next day? Does she get to rest a little in between Fantasy Suite romps? There’d be chafing. I’d need some time to rest. Having sex three nights in a row sounds like a lot of work.


JoJo leaves Aaron Rodger’s little brother and goes for a walk on the beach to think. We watch her thinking. It happens. Aaron Rodger’s little brother stands on a balcony and thinks. It’s super thinkey. There’s so much thinking going on. It’s incredible, because the people responsible for this show never think. They’ve been making the same TV show for 14 years.


Chase gets the final Fantasy Suite date. Talk about garbage time! Chase and JoJo go to a market. Chase picks up a raw, dead fish and kisses it. I wonder if Chris Harrison wrote the fish a Fantasy Suite invitation before Chase kissed it? I don’t think so. That fish was kissed against its will. I hope that fish has a good lawyer. Also, Jojo kissed Chase right after he kissed the fish, so she should now know what it’s like to be second in line on the Fantasy Suite train.


JoJo and Chase take a boat ride to somewhere. It’s tropical. It looks super hot in Thailand. Between the fish and the sweat, they must smell disgusting. JoJo and Chase sit on a blanket on the beach and talk about their journey. It’s journeyey. Then, they make out. JoJo talks about how much joy Chase brings her. She says that it scares her, probably because she’s going to dump him. They make out in the ocean, which has to be so salty. I could never make out in the ocean. It’s have to keep stopping to spit out the ocean water. These people really have to work for love. I give them so much credit.


The beach date is over. Chase and JoJo didn’t get to their Fantasy Suite part yet, but JoJo is back at her hotel for some reason. While she’s there, Robby knocks on her door. Although there are cameras inside and out of her hotel room, she acts really surprised when there’s a knock on her door. She’s like, “Oh, who could that be? I wonder if it’s Robby? Maybe I should just look at one of the 47 television monitors in my hotel room and see who it is, or just ask one of the producers standing next to me?”


Robby wants to tell JoJo that he loves her, but he hasn’t done it yet. What an idiot. Robby tells her that he’s ready to marry her. While doing so, he calls her Jo. I don’t think I could date a girl named Jo. That would be awkward. Actually, take that back because now I remember Jo from ‘The Facts of Life’ and I loved her so I guess I could date a Jo, specifically, that Jo, the one from ‘The Facts of Life’, in case she’s reading this recap, which no one is reading, but still.


It’s nighttime in Thailand and Chase and JoJo are drinking wine and not eating. I feel like that last sentence belongs in an Earnest Hemmingway book. Chase tells JoJo that he’s scared because, at this point, the emotions are real. He’s concerned because there are other guys involved and he’s not sure how much JoJo likes her other boyfriends. Chase says that he’s willing to fight through the fear because he loves JoJo. I feel so bad for Chase because I think he’s about to be dumped. I hate him the least out of everyone, so it’s a shame.


JoJo gives Chase Chris Harrison’s Fantasy Suite invitation and he accepts it. They walk over to the suite to do sex. Chase keeps talking about how seriously in love he is with JoJo. The music changes. It’s clear that JoJo doesn’t have the super serious feelings. They make out a little, but JoJo’s face changes. Chase keeps talking about how scary things are. JoJo’s face gets more twisted. The music is now full-on ‘JoJo is about to Dump Chase’. She’s gonna dump him.


JoJo tells Chase to hold on for a second and goes into the other room. The music is even worse. It’s the kind of music you’d hear in a move when someone is defusing a bomb. JoJo sits on the balcony and cries. She tells the camera that she doesn’t want to hurt Chase. She probably shouldn’t have dated a bunch of guys on television, but don’t listen to me. I’m not a relationship expert.


After a commercial break, ABC shows us the moon. JoJo doesn’t want to have sex with Chase anymore because he told her he loved her. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, never tell someone you love them, even if you do. They’ll dump you in Thailand.


JoJo walks back in the room. Four minutes after making out with Chase and talking about their future, JoJo dumps Chase. She says that she isn’t as far into their relationship as he is. Chase says, “I get the point.” He’s super mad. JoJo tries to apologize, but Chase is too angry to be apologized to.



You can totally tell she’s about to dump him.

The next ten minutes are terrible television. JoJo stammers because she wasn’t prepared to dump a guy, even though she’s the star of a television show where she must dump 27 guys. Chase is mad because he was just on a beach making out with someone and that someone just dumped him.


JoJo has nowhere to go with the conversation, so she brings out the secret weapon all women have; she starts to cry. That always works. JoJo is smart.


Chase calms down because you can’t be mad at a crying woman, unless you’re a jerk. JoJo says that she hates herself for having to dump Chase and that he’s everything she ever wanted. I think, and this is just me spit-balling here, if Chase is everything she ever wanted, she should totally not dump him. Again, I’m an idiot.


Chase hugs her and walks away. JoJo asks how the guy she just dumped could possibly walk away like this. She yells after him because the audience hasn’t suffered enough. I yell “Run, Chase!” But he can’t hear me because he’s in Thailand and the show is taped.


Chase says, “None of this makes sense.” For the first time in Bachelor/Bachelorette history, I agree with someone on the show. Chase gets into a bus and asks the driver, “Is this my Fantasy Suite?” He says to the camera, “I get a Fantasy Suite card and then get dumped. That’s like, pull my pants down and kick me in the nuts.” Okay, now I like Chase. He’s cool. Chase, if you’re ever in Buffalo, look me up. I’ll introduce you to some nice girls who won’t dump you for falling in love with them.


It’s the next day. I’d tell you to keep up, but don’t. Don’t keep up. Leave. This is all terrible. I’d rather watch election coverage.

Chris Harrison stands outside of a garden temple thing and greets JoJo’s two remaining boyfriends. (Aren’t I good at describing the atmosphere? I’m a writer!) ABC described Robby as a Former Competitive Swimmer. That’s pretty vague. Did he leave competitive swimming to be on the show? Did he make enough money swimming that he’s now retired? Is there money in competitive swimming? Does that mean he was in the Olympics, or did he just go to local pools and hustle kids in swimming bets? You jerks never answer my questions.


JoJo is also greeted by Chris Harrison. She says that she had an emotional week, but she also received clarity. That’s what that was! It was clarity.


ABC is making us sit through a rose ceremony, even though the dumpee has been dumped. Aaron Rodger’s little brother and Robby acted surprised to see JoJo because Chase isn’t there. JoJo starts talking. She talks. It happens. We watch it. She tells the guys that she sent Chase home. Just when we can’t take the drama any more, Chase walks up to the rose ceremony. O. M. G.


The music gets super dramatic. Guys, I’m having chest pains. I need one of these medic alert things because I’m going to collapse one of these nights. JoJo and Chase walk to a different part of the garden thing to talk. Maybe, since a little time has passed, JoJo has caught up to Chase’s love level. Maybe they’re on equal love footing now. I doubt it.


Chase isn’t trying to win JoJo back. He just apologizes to JoJo because ABC lawyers told him, “If you don’t apologize to JoJo, we won’t let you be the next Bachelor.” They can’t have their golden girl looking like the bad one in all this. She needed that apology so America would still love her, even though they probably don’t love her. I guess it’s good for JoJo that America doesn’t love her; once they told her they loved her, she would have to dump America. JoJo would have dumped our entire country.


Chase walks away and JoJo cries some more. This season has been three hundred minutes of JoJo crying. JoJo tells her boyfriends that she has strong feelings for them and that she’s excited about the future. I guess she can’t wait to dump one of them next week. Because they think we’re idiots, ABC makes JoJo hand Aaron Rodger’s little brother and Robby a rose. They both accept it. Careful, guys. Don’t tell JoJo you love her. She’ll dump you.


Hey, Tuesday night it’s the ‘Men Tell All’ episode of ‘The Bachelorette’. Or, as I like to call it, the worst thing that has ever happened. I would tell you that I hope you read my words again tomorrow, but that would be assuming that you actually read down this far. Basically, it’ll be two hours of men yelling at Chad. I hope that I get food poisoning so I don’t have to recap it.

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