I hope you have a giant tarp on your living room floor because there is going to be a lot of crying on ‘The Bachelorette’ tonight. According to last week’s preview, more tears will be shed during tonight’s episode than were shed for every major war in world history. There will be so much crying and snot, Red Cross volunteers should run from house to house administering fluids to prevent wide-spread dehydration. Kaitlyn slept with Nick and now nothing will ever be the same.
When we last left the worst thing to ever happen to television, Shawn was on his way up to Kaitlyn’s room to confront her. Apparently, Kaitlyn promised Shawn that he was going to win the game show, but she keeps showing too much interest in her other 14 boyfriends, and Shawn can’t handle it. Shawn is one of those sensitive types who can’t handle when the girl he is dating on TV makes out with her 14 other boyfriends. Grow up, Shawn!
Shawn and Kaitlyn sit and talk about her nine boyfriends. I guess it’s only nine, now. She only has nine boyfriends? That’s, like, almost a normal amount of boyfriends.
He asks her if she’s in love with him. She says, “I’m falling in love with you.” That’s a no, by the way. Kaitlyn thinks that Shawn knows about the Nick situation. Shawn doesn’t know about the Nick situation yet. This Nick situation is so hard to get a handle on.
Shawn isn’t sure he can go on not knowing if he’s her one and only, and not her nine and only. Kaitlyn tells Shawn that he’ll just have to be patient. Shawn doesn’t say anything. Then, they make out. It’s a ton of making out. There’s slurp sound effects everywhere. We see it and hear it. This show attacks two of your senses.
As Kaitlyn talks to the camera about how having nine boyfriends makes you feel overwhelmed, she starts crying. The crying has begun. It’s a lot of crying, but it’s not ‘Build an Ark’ level crying yet. Kaitlyn is snotty and puffy. It’s not a good look. One of those Bachelorette interns needs to run a comb through that hair.
The day after cryfest, Kaitlyn stands on a balcony to look off into the distance while thinking about the Nick situation. I need a balcony. She says that her heart would break if Shawn left. My wife yells out, “Well then stop being a whore!” My wife is the best.
Nick and Tanner walk around their Dublin mansion and talk about the Shawn situation. They seem happy that Shawn is unsure of himself because he was too confident. Let that be a lesson to all of you; never show confidence.
A 2-on-1 date comes next. Usually, on these dates, one guy gets a rose and one guy gets sent home. Chris Harrison is slacking because he hasn’t set the parameters for the date yet, so I don’t know if standard 2-on-1 date rules apply. THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES.
JJ and Joe escort Kaitlyn to a seaport, or something. Kaitlyn talks about her individual boyfriends and, as she mentions them, ABC shows footage of them putting on their shirts and fixing their hair. It’s important.
The three of them take a boat ride to an Irish island. I thought Ireland WAS an island. How can there be an island on an island? Bachelorette interns have set out a blanket so the happy throuple can drink wine in a really uncomfortable situation. Chris Harrison wants Kaitlyn to find a husband, so he makes her go through this uncomfortable 2-on-1 date.
Joe takes Kaitlyn to a different blanket on a different part of the Irish island on the Irish island. He tells her that he really likes her and he’s falling in love with her. Then, they make out. Dude! He’s known her for a month! We haven’t seen him on TV for more than 30 seconds. He’s in love with her? I don’t like Joe.
JJ gets his chance for alone time. Once again, they take their conversation to a different blanket on a different part of the island on the island. To top Joe’s “love you” speech, JJ tells Kaitlyn a different personal secret. JJ tells Kaitlyn that he once cheated on his wife and ruined his marriage. It’s a great first 2-on-1 date conversation. Kaitlyn thanks JJ for telling her about the wife cheating. The music goes from scary to super happy because JJ lifted a huge weight off of his shoulder. Let this be a lesson to all of you; always cheat on your wife because it ends up being fine in the end.
Next comes the part where Kaitlyn has to dump one boyfriend and further her time with another boyfriend for at least a week. Kaitlyn is gripping because she doesn’t know who to dump. She tells JJ that she’s dumping him because he has a daughter at home. JJ thanks Kaitlyn for dumping him. Next, Kaitlyn tells Joe that she’s not ready to hand out a rose to him either. We might have a patented Bachelorette double dump. These girls clean house when they don’t get what they want.
After sending JJ home, Kaitlyn takes Joe to some place with a couch to get to know each other better. I always take a guy to a couch when I want to get to know him better. They have a great time, talking. There’s a ton of talking. Kaitlyn says that Joe is helping her forget the Shawn situation. There’s a Shawn situation, you guys! There are way too many situations on this show! How are we supposed to keep track of a Nick situation AND a Shawn situation? Keep up! Joe and Kaitlyn make out. It’s slurpy. It’s a slurpy situation. It’s a big slurpy Joe situation and I wish I didn’t have to watch it.
Back at the Irish mansion, Shawn talks to the camera about the Shawn situation. Keep up! Shawn continues to pout about how Kaitlyn told him he was going to win the game show, and yet the game show continues. This Shawn situation is stupid. Shawn, you’re on a game show, relax. Have some alcohol. The most dramatic music you’ve ever heard plays as Shawn walks around his Irish mansion and continues to think about the Shawn situation.
Joe returns to the mansion and the other boyfriend congratulate him for getting further along with their girlfriend. Shawn does not. He doesn’t like hearing that Joe had a good time, so he gets up to leave, walk around and think about the Shawn situation. THAT’S ALL THAT GUY DOES.
During the commercial break, an announcer says, “From the people who brought you the Baconator, it’s Baconator Fries!” That’s not really too impressive. If you already had Baconator technology, it wouldn’t be very hard to get to Baconator fries. You just take a Baconator and put it on fries. I’m pretty sure that we, as a society, have taken the Baconator concept as far as it can go. My computer doesn’t think that Baconator is a word. What year was this computer made?
We’re back from commercial. This show is a whirlwind. When was the last time there was a rose ceremony? Shawn goes to Kaitlyn’s room. Kaitlyn is right in the middle of crying to the camera about the Shawn situation and then he comes to her room. This girl has tremendous timing. She’s still worried that Shawn knows about the Nick situation, which is exactly what the Shawn situation is. The Shawn situation is thinking about whether or not Shawn knows about the Nick situation. Why in God’s name would you read these?
Kaitlyn is crying about having to go through the Shawn situation. She’s all snotty. Shawn and Kaitlyn talk about stuff. We listen to them talk about stuff. It’s stuffy. I hate every moment. All of the sudden, Kaitlyn has a nose ring. Has she had that all season? I can’t keep up!
Shawn admits that he has more to talk to Kaitlyn about. You guys, this Shawn situation is impossible to deal with. Kaitlyn is freaking out and it’s making me freak out. Shawn doesn’t know about the Nick situation and doesn’t talk about the Nick situation, so there really is no Shawn situation. He doesn’t know. The Shawn situation has disappeared. There’s no more Shawn situation. You guys, we can all relax. We have one less situation. I can’t wait to get some much more accomplished around the house with one less situation to deal with. I think I might learn German, or something.
Kaitlyn and Shawn continue to talk. I’m not sure what they’re talking about because I wasn’t listening. Kaitlyn mentioned something about forever. She must be mentioning how long this show takes to happen. Shawn says he’ll work on being better about the game show. He still wants Kaitlyn. Shawn isn’t leaving the show. Kaitlyn is super scared because she knows Shawn will bolt if he ever finds out about the Nick situation. You guys were scared too, admit it. What kind of guy would dump his girlfriend just because she slept with one of her nine boyfriends?
The cocktail party is next. The group gathers together in a different Irish mansion. How many mansions are in Ireland? What was wrong with the other Irish mansion? Why didn’t they just have the cocktail party there? Who lives in this mansion? You guys never answer my questions.
Kaitlyn gets ready for her cocktail party. We know this because cameras are six inches away from her, capturing every hair and makeup adjustment. It’s important. Kaitlyn goes down to greet her boyfriends. She tells them that she’s going through hell, but her heart is still open to love. They toast to Kaitlyn finding her husband. It’s weird. Where the hell is Chris Harrison? Does he even work here anymore?
Kaitlyn starts freaking out some more and no one has fun. It’s awkward. She’s dressed kind of slutty, too. My wife is right. Ben Z. takes Kaitlyn outside where a Bachelorette intern gives them a blanket and some alcohol. These interns are first rate. Ben Z. is nice and says nice things. He wants to spend more time with Kaitlyn, so they make out. Ben Z. kind of forces her face into his. It’s romantic. Kaitlyn tells the camera that she has eight great guys and that she’s falling in love with eight great guys. It’s straight out of a Disney movie.
Ben H. takes Kaitlyn into a library, or something. Ben H. tells Kaitlyn that he needs to talk with her, followed by thirty seconds of silence. Ben H. talks to Kaitlyn about the Shawn situation. He knows that something happened between Shawn and Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is confused because she’s hiding the Nick situation, NOT the Shawn situation. Ben H. thinks that Kaitlyn slept with Shawn. He’s got it all wrong. Kaitlyn doesn’t know what to say. She’s tangled in a web of lies. Ben H. doesn’t want to pursue a woman who sleeps with one of her eight boyfriends and makes that clear.
Kaitlyn starts to cry more. This girl cries a ton. Don’t sleep with Nick if you can’t handle the consequences of sleeping with Nick. I can tell you straight out, if I ever slept with Nick, I’d man up and deal with it. I wouldn’t cry about it every six minutes. Kaitlyn finished crying, thanks Ben H. and then makes out with him. They slurp a ton. The guys on this show love making out with girls who have just finished crying. I know tears are salty, but there’s snot in there too.
We’re only an hour in. Thank goodness there’s already a vaccine for polio, because there’s no way I was ever going to invent it with the amount of time I waste on this bullshit. Good thing Jonas Salk didn’t have ABC.
Nick pulls Kaitlyn aside to talk to Kaitlyn about the Nick situation. She’s afraid that Nick might tell the rest of her boyfriends that she had sex with Nick. It’s a legitimate thing to be afraid about. Nick is a villain, and villains gotta vil.
Nick talks about the Nick situation. He says he’s here for the right reasons and then he starts to cry. SO MUCH CRYING. None of it is real. Nick wants to be with Kaitlyn for the rest of their lives without all of the other stuff. If that’s the case, he should date Kaitlyn off of the TV show. That would be weird. Kaitlyn and Nick are making out again. It’s about time someone snotted on Kaitlyn for a change.
Right after making out with Nick, Kaitlyn goes out to talk with Shawn. She says that she should have never told Shawn that he won the game show. Shawn agrees. He still wants to be on the game show, but Kaitlyn isn’t sure that she still wants him on the game show. She messed up their chance at love. Kaitlyn doesn’t want to screw up any of her other relationships, so she’s taking a step back from Shawn. I have no idea what that means. I can’t keep up. I don’t want to. Shawn is worried that he’s not getting a rose.
This has been 70 minutes of talking and crying. The only thing worse than the crying is the talking. Nothing will ever be worse than the talking. Bee stings are better than the talking on this show. Doesn’t ABC want people to watch this crap? Do they get together and say things like, “Hey, I know how to get more people to watch ‘The Bachelorette’! Let’s have them talk constantly about the same crap. Ratings gold!”
The rose ceremony is next. Chris Harrison finally rolls out of bed to host the show. He and Kaitlyn talk about all of the crap we have already seen, which was a bunch of crying and talking. Kaitlyn almost cries while talking about the crying and the talking. Chris Harrison just nods and then says, “Alright. It’s gonna be a tough night.” Chris Harrison is a terrible human being.
Kaitlyn dumps some boyfriends. It’s difficult. We know this because she talks about how difficult it is as it’s happening. It can’t be that difficult if you can talk about it as it’s happening. Kaitlyn dumps Tanner and Ben Z. When Chris Harrison says Ben Z’s name, it sounds like he’s calling him Benzi. Tanner’s name is Tanner, and you can’t make that worse. Ben Z. was blindsided with his dumping. He says, “It sucks. It really, really sucks.” Ben Z. is kind of a poet. Ben Z. is determined to eventually find love, but he has trouble opening up. He tells the camera, “I’m trying. I’m trying.”
Tanner doesn’t really talk because no one cares about Tanner. He’s used to that because his name is Tanner.
As we go to commercial, ABC runs teaser footage. In this preview, Chris Harrison sits down and tells the boyfriends that “everything is about to change.” You guys, everything is about to change! Forget everything you’ve ever known ‘cause it’s all different now! I wasn’t ready for EVERYTHING to change. How was I supposed to prepare? Answer me! I guess, if everything is about to change, this show will now be good. Maybe I’ll get to watch and recap a different show that I actually enjoy. That would be a good change. They probably mean there will be more kickboxing or something. I hate Chris Harrison.
We’re back from commercial. So far, everything is the same. Everything is about to change, but nothing has changed yet. Kaitlyn tells her six remaining boyfriends that they’re going to Killarney in Ireland. I had to Wikipedia it. Killarney means ‘Church of sloes’. I don’t know what sloes are. Look Kaitlyn and Jared are driving around Killarney and I don’t know what they’re talking about because I was on Wikipedia. I can’t research and recap at the same time.
The Blarney stone is in Killarney. Everything must rhyme here. Kaitlyn and Jared kiss the Blarney stone, which probably has never been peed on ever. Right after kissing an infectious disease stone, they kiss each other. Didn’t these two take Health class?
So far, everything hasn’t changed. Kaitlyn and Jared go to a room with a bed and they make out. We watch it all happen. If this goes any further, we’re going to have a Jared situation too. I can’t handle another situation. Slow your roll, Jared. Keep it in your kilt! Do Irish people wear kilts? I need an intern.
Kaitlyn and Jared are having a wonderful time. She’s happy. She tells the camera that she’s happy and she feels like nothing could possibly go wrong. Cue the dramatic ABC music. Chris Harrison marches up to her hotel room to present the thing that could possibly go wrong. You guys, everything is going to change. I can feel it!
Chris Harrison sits down in Kaitlyn’s hotel room. Everything hasn’t changed yet, but you can feel that it’s going to. Chis Harrison asks Kaitlyn if she’s ready to dump two of her boyfriends and travel to other boyfriend’s hometowns. Kaitlyn says that things have been tough because of the Nick situation. She slept with Nick. Chris Harrison says, “We all make mistakes.” Why is it a mistake, Harrison? I thought it was love? Chris Harrison is a jerk.
Chris Harrison says, to make things even for all of the boyfriends, ABC is going to allow Kaitlyn to have off-camera alone time with each of her six boyfriends in an overnight room. Harrison basically says that, before they get families involved, Kaitlyn should have sex with all six of her boyfriends to make sure she can find a husband. It’s sincere and touching.
Because everything is changing, things will be more dramatic. Kaitlyn gets to sleep with six guys, but she has to dump three of them this week. Only three guys will get hometown dates. It makes sense that, if Chris Harrison is doing everything in his power to find Kaitlyn a husband like he promised, he should limit her experiences with her boyfriends to make it more difficult.
As we transition to the scene where Chris Harrison marches in the guys’ room to tell them how everything is changing, ABC shows us a little sheep sucking on his mother’s sheep boob. ABC is a poet.
The guys find out how everything is changing. It’s changed now. Everything has changed. It’s changey. Chris gets the first 1-on-1 date. He’s nervous because everything has changed. Chris is totally right. I don’t even recognize this show anymore. Everything is different. It’s as if it has changed.
Kaitlyn and Chris walk around Killarney. As they leave the castle, a HELICOPTER DESCENDS AND TAKES THEM AWAY!!!! Everything may have changed, but helicopter dates are still the best thing ever. Kaitlyn and Chris make out in their helicopter. It’s the most romantic thing ever. She is taking Chris “to the edge” according to the date card. ABC helicopter interns land the helicopter on the edge of a Killarney cliff.
The cliff is super scenic. I should totally get a cliff. They have a picnic on the cliff and Chris lays out his own blanket. He didn’t even need an intern to lay if out for him. This guy is the total package.
Kaitlyn and Chris make out a little and then they talk. It’s been minutes since there’s been a bunch of talking, so I’m relieved. They talk about real life and where they’d live if they were dating in real life. What a load of crap! How are they supposed to get to know each other if they talk about real things?
Kaitlyn is stressed out. She acts stressed. It’s stressy. Chris can tell she’s stressed and he’s stressed over her stress. Now, I’m stressed and it’s stressing out my dog. This show might break the earth.
Kaitlyn cries. She likes her cliff date, but not Chris. She dumps him. It’s a weird transition. She was all, “Hey, how’s your day! What are you into? Oh, by the way, I’m dumping you.” Now everyone is even more stressed.
Chris tries to convince Kaitlyn not to dump him. He asks her to further explain his dumping. He wants to know how to fix things. If you’re a guy reading this, and you’re ever getting dumped by a girl, don’t ask how you can fix it. I’ve been there. It can’t be fixed. Just leave quietly and don’t be afraid to eat some of her fries on the way out of the restaurant.
Chris doesn’t take the dumping well. Either does Kaitlyn. She walks along the Irish cliff and cries a lot. Chris walks in the other direction and cries. Chris talks to the cameras about how Kaitlyn is wrong to dump him. He bawls his eyes out. Kaitlyn gets into the helicopter and flies away without Chris. So, she just leaves him there. We are led to believe that Chris might currently be in Killarney as you read this because there was only one helicopter.
Chris cries so hard he can’t even stand. He almost falls off the cliff. He cries so hard that the camera guy has to move back so we see one of the boom mic guys trying to get out of the way of the crying. The crying will never stop. It’s timeless. Millions of years from now, Chris will still be crying on his Killarney cliff. This crying will outlive cockroaches. Remind me to never cry.
The show is over, for now. Next week, everything will change. Promise. As the credits roll, ABC does not give us an update on Britt and Brady Kurt Bert. So, they could both be dead, or something. Instead, we watch Kaitlyn show Jared how to drive a car with a manual transmission. She compares it to love. I hate this show.