I have absolutely no idea how much longer this show will go on, or how much longer I can take it. Because ABC no longer ends ‘The Bachelorette’ with rose…

I have absolutely no idea how much longer this show will go on, or how much longer I can take it. Because ABC no longer ends ‘The Bachelorette’ with rose ceremonies, we don’t know how many boyfriends Kaitlyn has left from week-to-week. It’s possible that Kaitlyn will just date her remaining boyfriends forever and my life will be an endless cycle of recapping her castle exploits and picnic luncheon make-out sessions.

On a side note, every time I type “boyfriends”, my computer autocorrects it to “boyfriend.” It’s as if my computer is saying, “Look, pal, it’s impossible for someone to have more than one boyfriend! You’re only supposed to have one boyfriend!” My computer is so lame.

When we last visited hell, Kaitlyn told her boyfriend Shawn that she had sex with Nick, one of her other boyfriends. This revelation resolved the Shawn situation, in that Kaitlyn told Shawn about the Nick situation. Please stop reading my recaps.

Shawn and Nick are sitting together in a room to discuss the Nick situation. Because this is television, they are yelling back and forth about their dislikedness for each other. It’s dislikey. Shawn’s face turns purple. At one point, Nick references that Shawn slept with a country singer, or something. I have no idea what that’s about, but I’m sure I’ll hear all about it for the rest of my life because this show is my own personal purgatory.

Shawn and Nick part ways after cussing each other out. They agree to disagree. It’s the only thing they can agree on.

Kaitlyn puts the Nick situation aside to go out on a date with Ben H. She is really glad that Ben H. is here to distract her from her other two feuding boyfriends. It’s convenient to have multiple boyfriends, just in case two or three of them are fighting with each other. Keep that in mind, kids; always date a bunch of guys in case you can’t even take how out of control the other ones are acting.

Kaitlyn takes Ben H. horseback riding. They mount their steeds and Ben H. talks to his horse. The horse doesn’t seem to be paying attention. I hope this gives ABC the idea to re-boot Mr. Ed.

Kaitlyn likes riding horses. She says, “I really think I should be on a horse. I really love it.” This really casts aside any questions we may have had about whether or not Kaitlyn likes riding horses. Trust me, she does.

They ride their horses up to a farm full of donkeys. Why didn’t they ride the donkeys to the donkey farm? This show is so inefficient. Kaitlyn feeds the donkeys from a bucket. The donkeys like eating. I’m not sure if the donkeys like eating as much as Kaitlyn loves riding horses because donkey’s can’t articulate their feelings.


This donkey food probably isn’t even gluten free.

The donkeys chase Kaitlyn because they want her bucket of goodies. That’s not a metaphor. Kaitlyn and Ben H. laugh at the free spirited donkey chase. This show is so free spirited. You guys have no idea. Kaitlyn was upset, but Ben H. calms Kaitlyn. It’s calmy. Kaitlyn says that, for the rest of her life, Ben H. will just look at her and make her feel better, unless of course they don’t date anymore after this donkey date.

Ben H. says that he’ll be the luckiest man to end up with Kaitlyn. That’s not true. The luckiest man is Jari Kurri. He really benefitted from playing on a line with Wayne Gretzky in his prime. That’s lucky. Sports quota filled.

The happy couple sits on a Bachelorette intern-provided blanket and discuss Ben H.’s feelings. Ben H. was scared, but he realizes what he has in Kaitlyn and wants to make sure that he has it forever. Kaitlyn likes his words so they make out. The cameras get extra close. We can see Ben H.’s pores. Kaitlyn holds her wine glass while she makes out and it doesn’t even shake. She’s super good at making out.

Kaitlyn says, “This could be the beginning of forever.” Kaitlyn doesn’t understand the concept of forever because forever started a long time ago, I think. Look, there’s no time to contemplate forever because Ben H. and Kaitlyn are making out again and it’s really important.

When they’re done with their important make-out session, Kaitlyn tells Ben H. that they’ll be spending the night in an Irish castle. This country and their castles, I swear to God. Ben H. is excited about his castle. He says, “There’s no way in my life I thought I would be staying in a castle in Ireland.” It’s weird to hear that out loud because that was my yearbook quote.

It’s nighttime. Keep up! Kaitlyn goes to the top of the Irish castle and yells down to Ben H. It’s super romantic. Kaitlyn says that it’s a nineteenth century castle. Is that even a real castle? Two hundred years isn’t even that old. We were done with castles by, like, 1400 or so, I think. Look, I’m not a castle expert. Don’t look to me for castle answers. Read a book. Does a nineteenth century castle have shag rug and paneling? We’re getting off track here.

Ben H. tells Kaitlyn that he just had a birthday. He’s only 26 and Kaitlyn is almost 30. How will they overcome that tremendous age gap? True love can be hard, yo?

They sit and talk about their journey. That’s all these people talk about. I’m so sick of their journeys. Finally, they make out some more, because there hasn’t been a lot of that. Kaitlyn pulls out the Fantasy Suite sex invitation from Chris Harrison. Kaitlyn makes sure that Ben H. is comfortable with the sex thing. She asks if he’s 110% sure. Again, Kaitlyn is terrible at math, because it’s physically impossible to be 110% sure of something. Reluctantly, Ben H. agrees to have sex with Kaitlyn. It’s romantic. He doesn’t like the fact that more than one cook has been in Kaitlyn’s kitchen, but he’s gonna accept his sous chef role.

Kaitlyn and Ben H. go into their sex room. There are ZERO candles and no roses strewn about. What the hell happened to the Bachelorette interns? Are they on strike? There’s a ton of slurpy making out. Scene.

Shawn gets the next one-on-one date. Shawn is happy. His face is less red. Kaitlyn is happy. We’re all happy. You guys were happy too, admit it. Kaitlyn takes Shawn golfing and makes him wear a dorky pink shirt. He’s super dorky. Oh my God! You guys have no idea. He’s such a dork. LOLOL.

Shawn draws a parallel from golf to love because you can do both when you’re old. It makes a ton of sense. I write it down so I never forget it. I can’t wait to get old so I can golf and love.



What follows is a bunch of golf. They golf. It happens. We watch it. There’s just so much golf. It’s endless. I’m practically watching ESPN. It’s golf accompanied by zany ABC ‘Shawn’s a dorky pink-shirted golf dork’ music.

When golf is over (and I can’t believe I survived it), they have a picnic. So many picnics. Kaitlyn challenges Shawn to a game of truth or dare. He picks dare because, duh. Kaitlyn makes Shawn strip down to nakedness to golf. ABC covers the goods with a black box. The poor camera guys don’t get a black box, so they’re just zoomed in on Shawn’s goodie bag. I wonder if his goods also turn colors like his face does.

Kaitlyn steals Shawn’s clothes and runs off with them. It’s so zany. This girl is the zaniest. Shawn chases her, but his little guy can’t keep up. Are you guys watching this??? He’s naked! Holy cow! When the fun is over, Kaitlyn and Shawn sit down to dinner. Instead of eating, they discuss the Nick situation. It’s discussy.

Shawn denies the accusations Nick made about things that are unclear. Kaitlyn references Eskimo kissing.  I don’t know what that means either. I have no idea what’s going on. Why does any of this ever happen?

Shawn opens and accepts his Chris Harrison sex invitation. Kaitlyn needs answers to the questions about stuff that I don’t understand. She says, “This night off-camera is huge.” I’m not sure if that’s a metaphor for Shawn’s penis, or a reference to her getting answers to important, mysterious questions. The good thing is, none of this matters. Kaitlyn and Shawn go in their sex room and ABC immediately transitions to the next day without showing us make-out sessions or slurping.

As Shawn exits his sex suite the next day, Nick is waiting outside. Nick asks to speak with Shawn, but Shawn says that he’s not interested in talking to Nick. Then, they sit down to talk. This show is confusing. I thought he didn’t want to talk to Nick?

Shawn says that Nick is the worst person. I think he’s tied for worst with everyone involved in this show. The talking goes very much like the other talking. I’m not positive that ABC isn’t just replaying us the conversation they had previously. It’s just a bunch of yelling and bleeped out words. Shawn gives us purple face. I’m going to go out on a limb here; Shawn isn’t fond of Nick. He doesn’t like Nick or Nick’s situation.

That night, Chris Harrison sits down with Kaitlyn to recap everything we just watched. It’s good because I almost forgot all of the things that just happened 11 minutes ago. Thank God for Chris Harrison. During their talk, Chris Harrison calls the Nick situation “the Nick thing.” Harrison can’t just change the name of the Nick situation like that! It’s a situation, not a thing! Now, this is the Chris Harrison situation/thing.

Kaitlyn admits that she’s tired of Shawn and Nick’s feuding, but she’s super happy with Ben H. She doesn’t know who she’s going to dump at the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison offers her no advice on what to do, even though he promised Kaitlyn that he’d do everything in his power to help her find a husband.

Kaitlyn goes into another room to think about her dumping. Chris Harrison announces to the boyfriends that this is the last rose ceremony, even though it’s not because this isn’t the finale.

Before Kaitlyn dumps one of her boyfriends, she thanks them all for being her boyfriends. Then, she cries. Then, she leaves the room. She’s terrible at being ‘The Bachelorette’. Chris Harrison runs after her. Chris Harrison is working so hard tonight. What if he collapses?

Kaitlyn cries. Chris Harrison whispers stuff to her but I can’t hear it. I hate this show. She collects herself and walks back into the other room to continue dumping one of her boyfriends. Her dress doesn’t have a front, so you can see about 78% of her boobs. I wish you could see 110%.

Kaitlyn dumps Ben H. Sorry to just spring that on you like that, but you knew it was eventually coming. Nice guys finish last, or in this case, nice guys finish third. I guess that this wasn’t the beginning of forever.

Ben H. says goodbye to the other boyfriends. Shawn says, “love you buddy” to Ben H., because his buddy was dating the girl he was dating. I usually tell my girlfriend’s other boyfriends that I love them after she dumps them.

Kaitlyn walks Ben H. out the door after dumping him. She says that she thinks Ben H. will find the best girl ever. Ben H. didn’t want the best girl ever. He wanted to share his life with Kaitlyn. What an idiot! Why wouldn’t you rather share your life with the best girl ever?

Ben H. gets in his confessional limo and kind of cries. It’s not a really deep cry, which is why we weren’t shown this cry in the promos. Ben H. doesn’t promo cry. He just kind of sniffles. Good riddance, you no-crying, nice guy idiot! Ben H. will probably be the next Bachelor, unless they cancel the show.

Kaitlyn is crushed by her dumping. She says, “I can’t even process what’s going on in my head right now.” I can’t process it either, so I know how she feels. If she didn’t like dumping Ben H., why did she dump him? This show has no rules. She should have just kept him around.

Shawn is happy to make it to the finale, but upset that he’s there with “that other guy.” After Kaitlyn leaves, the camera shows Shawn and Nick standing alone in the room, drinking their champagne in silence. It’s awkward and stupid. ABC treats it like some huge dramatic moment, but I imagine they have hours and hours of this stupid, silent footage. As we go to commercial, ABC shows us the moon.

Hometown dates are next. These are super important, so keep up! Nick gets the first hometown date in Utah. He meets Kaitlyn in a park or something and talks about his feelings. We watch it. His jean jacket has a small patch on the shoulder. I think Nick ripped the shoulder of his jean jacket. You’d think that ABC would just buy him a new jean jacket instead of just patching up the little hole. It’s a terrible stich job too, because you can see all of the stiches. Wait a minute, I think you can see them on purpose. Nick is wearing one of those jean jackets with the fake patches that don’t even need to be there. It’s like when you go to buy a boat and the dealer kicks a dent into it so the boat looks cooler.

Nick and Kaitlyn make out. Then, they go to visit his family. Nick’s family is super nervous because they don’t want Nick to go through heartbreak like he did a year ago when he dumped Andi Dorfman. Nick’s little sister or niece or something cries because she’s so afraid of possible heartbreak. You guys are afraid of it too, admit it.

Kaitlyn is excited to meet the family. When she walks in the room, the family is no longer crying. THEY’RE ALL LIARS! ABC plays happy music and everyone acts happy. If Nick’s family keeps suppressing their feelings like this, they’ll all end up as serial killers.

Nick tells the family that he’s one of only two remaining boyfriends. They talk about it. Next, we see Nick doing the Carlton. Then, Kaitlyn sits down with a sister, or something. This is all happening so fast. There’s a bunch of talking. We listen to it. Nick has one hundred siblings. One of Nick’s brothers looks like Waldo without the red and white outfit. Kaitlyn gets grilled by a cute little sister. The sister asks Kaitlyn if she loves Nick. Kaitlyn says that she likes Nick a lot, so she basically answers no.

Nick tells his mom that he thinks Kaitlyn loves him. He also says that Kaitlyn is great at making out. This is a sweet heart-to-heart with mom. Nick’s mom hopes that Nick finds happiness. Doesn’t she know that Nick is the villain and that villains gotta vil?

When she’s done talking with Nick’s family, Kaitlyn sits on a couch with him to make out. I’m surprised Nick doesn’t call his mom in the room to shout, “See?” The slurping goes on for three minutes or so. We watch it. I hate this show.

Shawn’s hometown date is next. Before he meets up with Kaitlyn, we watch Shawn put on his shirt and fix his hair. It’s important. Shawn’s family cries a lot less than Nick’s. They must not care about Shawn. If your family really loves you, they’d cry constantly. His family seems nervous, but not so nervous that they cry. Shawn’s mom doesn’t even show up. She must be contractually obligated to another television network.

Shawn reveals that he is one of the final two boyfriends and everyone totally freaks. You guys freaked too, even though you already knew that, admit it. Kaitlyn talks to a bunch of family members. There’s a ton of talking and I don’t feel like recapping it, so just picture talking. I’d like to keep this recap under 3,000 words.

When the family crap is over, Shawn shares something important with Kaitlyn. It’s dramatic. Shawn says that he’s in love with Kaitlyn. She’s all smiley because she likes the part about the thing he said about being in love with her. They make out. We watch it. As they make out, Kaitlyn sits with her legs across Shawn’s lap. The legs are kind of raised in the air and it looks really uncomfortable. Who would sit like that? Why can’t she just sit normal when she’s making out with Shawn? Kaitlyn doesn’t tell Shawn that she loves him because ABC won’t let her, or she just doesn’t.

Kaitlyn goes up to a hotel room to cry. I don’t know if it’s her hotel room or if she just busted into someone’s room to cry. She must be really happy to cry so much. It’s super snotty. Kaitlyn walks out onto a balcony to stare off into the distance and think. You can tell things are getting serious when the Bachelorette thinks on a balcony. There’s no turning back at this point. Once they’re thinking on a balcony, you know they’re really close to finding love.

The show ends. Next week, the men tell all. I think it’s the second-last episode of the season, but I don’t want to get my hopes up. The Men Tell All episode is super terrible, so don’t watch it or read this recap. Maybe this will all go away. I made it under 3,000 words (2964)!

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