I hope you’re ready to hear all because the men are about to tell it. You would think with the glacier pace at which this show moves that you would…

I hope you’re ready to hear all because the men are about to tell it. You would think with the glacier pace at which this show moves that you would have already heard all a billion times by now, but no. ABC has set aside an entire episode so the men can tell more all than they’ve told before. This is always the worst episode in any season, and that’s saying a lot considering how bad every episode is. It’s the ‘Men Tell All’ episode. It’s the Bachelorette.

We begin with the ABC guy telling us that this is a very special episode of ‘The Bachelorette’, so we begin with lies. A group of Kaitlyn’s boyfriends sit in front of a live studio audience to get one last chance at being on TV. We’re told to prepare for super dramatic and traumatic things to happen, and also a lot of fun LOL stuff. This is what Shakespeare tried to do with his plays, I think.

Chris Harrison opens the floor by apologizing to America for Kaitlyn’s sex-having ways. He then introduces a bunch of the guys I don’t remember. The cat owners in the studio audience go crazy for Ben Z. and Ben H. It’s a good day to be a Ben! Then, Chris Harrison shows a preview for the stupid ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ show that I refuse to watch or recap because I don’t have the strength. I did say, out loud, as the preview was playing, “That’s the girl who always had the blacked-out crotch.” So, I guess I’m a part of the problem. The sneak preview shows that the girl with the blacked out crotch cries a lot and Clare comes back. I hope Clare brings the dead dad DVD. If you don’t know what that means, just Google “Clare Dead Dad DVD” and I’m pretty sure my recap that explains the situation will be on the first search page. I’m talkin’ Search Engine Optimization, people! Get on board this SEO train!

Next, we watch a recap of the stuff we already saw. We watch it. We remember. The remembering happens. It’s remembery.

Next comes the talking. There’s a ton of it. Because Ian said bad things during the season, the other guys take this ‘Tell All’ chance to tell Ian what’s what. Ian gets told. These guys are totally telling all. While Tanner is yelling at Ian, one of the cat owners in the audience nods her head in approval. She approves so hard. It is not a polite nod. It is a “that man up there is telling all and I love it” nod. You guys were nodding too, admit it. Once of the other guys disagrees with Tanner and some of the other cat owners give disapproving nods. This show is intense. So much nodding going on. It’s noddy.

Ian defends himself. It’s defendy. He wants to clear his good name to Kaitlyn, but Kaitlyn isn’t out yet. Ian stands up, takes off his coat, gets down on one knee and apologizes to the other boyfriends. It’s awkward, so everyone LOLs ‘cause it’s totally funny. Then, Ian apologizes to the world and his mother. We do not see whether or not his mother nods, so I’ll try to keep you guys posted on that in future Bachelor/Bachelorette recaps. The cat owners applaud like crazy for Ian’s apology, so… apology accepted! You guys accepted his apology too, admit it. JJ comes down and hugs Ian and I cry a bunch because it’s emotional and stuff.

Telling all sometimes means you hug men.

We’re only twenty minutes in and so much all has been told. I can’t believe I’m hearing all. I hope the guys have time to tell about their Stonehenge theories. ABC did promise they’d tell all.

Next, the other boyfriends pick on Clint. Clint is the guy ABC pretended was gay with JJ. Clint also coined the greatest phrase in Bachelorette history, “Villains gotta vil.” Clint assures America that he was on the show for the right reasons. He wanted to marry Kaitlyn and he just happened to like JJ as a friend. Friends gotta frie.

The other boyfriends continue to blast Clint for being standoffish with the group. You see, if you’re dating a woman who is also dating 24 other men, you NEED to be friends with those other men. It’s just good dating etiquette. JJ defends his friend Clint. Some guy named Kupah interrupts JJ to talk about Nick. Kupah just up and high jacked the conversation to talk about Nick. Kupah is so into telling all that he interrupted all to talk about other all.

The conversation changes to whether or not it was right for Kaitlyn to add Nick to the group. Most of the men support the Nick situation. Kupah does not. THIS IS THE MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE EVER. Kupah is really taking advantage of this camera time. Kupah’s gotta Kup. My computer doesn’t think any of the words in that last sentence are actually a word. Computers gotta compute.

JJ gets the first trip to the hot seat. The seat is super hot, but he just sits right down on it like it’s not. Chris Harrison cues the montage of JJ’s Bachelorette journey. We watch it, again. The montage includes the fake fight between JJ and Clint. It’s not enjoyable to watch the second time either. I hate this show so much.

JJ apologizes for his fake fight with Clint. The cat owners nod approvingly. They approve. It’s approvey. JJ also discusses what happened with Kaitlyn. He says that he lost momentum with Kaitlyn. So, JJ thinks that dating a woman is a lot like a basketball game. Sports quota filled. The rest of the boyfriends laugh at JJ because he’s stupid.

Chris Harrison asks JJ if he has any regrets. JJ says that he regrets not being a better friend to his girlfriend’s other boyfriends. He says he treated the mansion like a hockey lockeroom and he shouldn’t have been so sarcastic. Jeepers, this recap is so full of sports. JJ is totally telling all. I’m pretty sure ABC is going to run out of all at least halfway through this show. There is so much all being told. Keep up!

Ben Z is next on the hot seat. The cat owners purr with excitement because Ben Z is super hot. You guys purred too, admit it. Chris Harrison shows us Ben Z’s journey, complete with footage of him running without a shirt, just in case you missed that part where he ran without a shirt. I had almost forgotten about the part where he ran without wearing a shirt, so I was glad that Chris Harrison showed us Ben Z’s montage. I may have lived the rest of my life without remembering how Ben Z likes to run without wearing a shirt sometimes.

We spent so much time reliving Ben Z’s journey that we haven’t been told all in, like, ten minutes. I hope they still have time to tell all. Chris Harrison asks Ben Z how blindsided he was to be dumped by Kaitlyn. Ben Z was blindsided a ton. It was blindsidey.

Ben Z talks about stuff. Some of the stuff he talks about is emotions. He might be good looking, but Ben Z isn’t much of a talker. Even though he doesn’t say much, the cat owners in the audience nod like hell with approval. These ladies love them some Ben Z. Chris Harrison asks Ben Z if he’s cried since he was on the show because he never cried when his mom died. Ben Z says that he hasn’t cried, but he may set aside some time in the future to cry. Why the hell are you reading this?


What “Telling All” looks like.

During the commercial break I learn that Lucky Charms has added multi-colored diamonds to their breakfast cereal. It’s about time they stirred things up! Never count Lucky Charms out!

Jared is next on the hot seat. I hardly remember him at all, but he dated Kaitlyn. We watch Jared’s journey. It all happened before. Back when he was dumped, Jared told Kaitlyn to “make sure you find the man of your dreams.” I wonder if she listened to him. He was pretty explicit with his request.

Chris Harrison asks Jared how he’s feeling and Jared tells us how he’s feeling. We hear more all as it’s being told to us. You know how the universe is super big? That’s how much all is being told by Jared right now. I can’t even type it all. Just close your eyes and picture all being told. That’s what happened.

Jared is still sad about being dumped by Kaitlyn. Chris Harrison asks if Jared is over Kaitlyn and Jared said that he’s moving on but he’s not over her yet. He gets sad when the Cranberries sing. You guys get sad when the Cranberries sing too, admit it.

Ben H walks up to the hot seat next. He’s the next Bachelor, even though I can’t remember a single thing he did or said. To make sure we all know that Ben H is worthy of being the next Bachelor, ABC makes the cat owners scream and yell for him as he sits down. I’ve seen these women scream for a guy they really like, and it seemed awfully forced with Ben H. They were being told to scream, possibly forced to scream at gunpoint. We may never know.

Next, we watch Ben H’s journey. So much journey happened. It took, like, five minutes. It was an exhausting journey. Ben H fell in love with Kaitlyn but she dumped him, so that whole love thing didn’t really work out for him. Ben H says, “I have zero doubt that Kaitlyn and I… could have had something great.” Why did he hesitate if he had zero doubt? Also, he had doubt that something great “could” have happened? Of course something great COULD have happened. It’s hard to have doubt that something COULD happen. Something great COULD STILL happen. I have zero doubt.

Chris Harrison asks Ben H, “How hard was it to watch that.” Chris Harrison always has the best questions. Ben H says it was hard. I thought it looked hard, so I’m not surprised. He talks to Chris Harrison about love and how hard it is to find love. It turns out that love is hard to find. Ben H is telling all.

Ben H says that his love with Kaitlyn grew, but she was more in love with some of her other boyfriends, especially Shawn. That’s why I hardly ever date women who are dating other men. You’re just asking for trouble.

Kaitlyn takes her place on the hot seat. Chris Harrison explains how controversial a Bachelorette Kaitlyn has been because she had sex with one of her boyfriends. Kaitlyn tells America that she has been a victim of hate on the internets. Her family was affected by the hate. You guys were affected by the hate too, admit it. Kaitlyn is upset that her journey made things uncomfortable. She also received death threats. I swear I didn’t send them.

Chris Harrison reads tweets on the air. People called Kaitlyn a whore and told her to shut her mouth. The internet bullies used a slut hashtag for their hate tweets, so you know it was fierce. Chris Harrison is super serious while reading the whore tweets. The cat owners in the audience cover their faces with shock because they can’t believe the hate that happens. It’s super hatey.

Kaitlyn cries over the mean messages. The audience goes nuts in support of Kaitlyn. Her boyfriends all stand and applaud, even though Kaitlyn dumped them. I’m not sure why Chris Harrison would justify internet stupidity by reading it on TV. The best thing you can do to breed hate on the internet is call attention to it. And, he did it for show content. Well done, Chris Harrison. You’re an American hero. This show is so stupid.

Jared gets his chance to ask Kaitlyn why she dumped him. Because he’s a super nice guy, Jared doesn’t really confront her. He kind of just says, “Hey, remember that day you dumped me?” Kaitlyn admits that she didn’t get enough time with Jared, which is nice because now he can live with a ton of regret and constantly ask himself “what if?”

Ben H also gets to confront Kaitlyn about her dumpedness. He asks her why she told Shawn that he was going to win the game show. She tells all about it. We listen. Kaitlyn also tells America why she only told Shawn that she had sex with Nick. Kaitlyn says that each of her relationships were different and she didn’t feel the need to tell all of her boyfriends about all of the times that she had sex with one of her other boyfriends. It makes a ton of sense. The cat owners in the audience nod their head approvingly.

Kupah and some of the other boyfriends confront Kaitlyn on the Nick situation. One of the guys who I don’t recognize asks Kaitlyn what she would have thought if they brought one of their other girlfriends on the show. Kaitlyn tells all about that. All happens. We listen to it all. It’s all-y. Kaitlyn has trouble explaining her feelings. She suggests to her boyfriends that they try dating 25 people at once and see if they can do it without making any mistakes. It’s a profound statement. I never thought of it that way. I’m not going to judge anyone anymore until I’ve dated 25 guys at once. We should all make it a point to date 25 guys at once, that way we can understand what Kaitlyn is going though.

The show is almost over. I don’t know that I’ve heard all. I feel ripped off. The drunk guy gives Kaitlyn a rose. Ian apologizes and gives Kaitlyn a book of notes, or something. I think that makes it all. We’ve reached all. The men told all. We listened. It happened.

Chris Harrison plays the sponsored blooper montage so we can end the show with a few laughs. The bloopers are totally hilarious. I laugh so hard, one of my ribs cracks in half. It’s extremely painful, but I still can’t stop laughing. If I ever have surgery I’m going to ask the hospital to play a Bachelorette blooper reel instead of administering anesthesia. Kaitlyn hates those pigeons, yo?

Next week the show ends, so yay!


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