Former Bachelorette contestant Nick V. joined the show last week and turned this peaceful love nest into a buzzing hornet nest. Instead of having a completely manageable number boyfriends like 14, Kaitlyn now has 15 boyfriends. Kaitlyn’s other boyfriends are mad at her for bringing Nick into the mix. You can’t just date and make out with a bunch of men on TV and expect them to be cool when you add a new boyfriend. There are rules, Kaitlyn! (Editor’s note: this show has no rules)
The preview information for tonight’s show says that “Kaitlyn’s worst nightmare comes true tonight.” If there was a show about my worst nightmare, you would see me floating in the ocean after a horrible plane crash. I would be badly burned and struggling to tread water. Sharks I couldn’t see would be snatching away the lifeless corpses of the other passengers floating around me. I would scream desperately for my family but hear no response. I’d cry for help until the moment I felt the razor sharp teeth of the eating machines below cut into my dangling legs.
But, I’m sure Kaitlyn’s worst nightmare has something to do with one of her 15 boyfriends complaining about the Nick situation. That would be just as horrifying.
We begin tonight’s episode where we left off; Nick is riding in an elevator to meet the rest of the guys. This is all happening so fast and pointlessly. The guys do not give Nick a warm reception at all. They just stare at him and act menacingly. The atmosphere rivals a police interrogation. The Nick situation is heating up.
The guys do not believe that Nick is here for the right reasons. Tanner says that he hopes Nick isn’t “chasing his 16 minutes of fame.” So, you get an extra minute of fame now? It’s not 15 minutes anymore.
The guys are mad because they’re concerned that Nick is just trying to be on TV. Please keep in mind that the guys accusing Nick of being a celebrity pig are currently dating a woman on a reality TV dating show.
Nick tells the guys that he is here for Kaitlyn. He says that was afraid if he didn’t meet Kaitlyn now, he’d never get the chance to because she may get engaged to one of these guys. Apparently, Nick has never seen this show before. He would have gotten his chance six weeks after the season ended.
Joshua is fed up with the Nick situation. He doesn’t like it. He says, “I don’t like it. I don’t like it at all.” You can tell from what he says that he doesn’t like it. The drama continues as we watch Shawn put on his shirt and check himself in the mirror as he wonders aloud about Kaitlyn’s sincerity. Shawn is a pretty deep guy, right down to his abs.
The cocktail party is next. ABC takes the group to Citi Field, which is where the Mets play. I thought they went to the Mets stadium last week? Maybe the Mets have two homes, like kids of divorced parents. This must be their ‘weekend dad’ home.
Kaitlyn is nervous about backlash over the Nick situation. She’s afraid that her boyfriends will resent her. Some of the guys do. This is her worst nightmare.
JJ brings Kaitlyn down to the baseball field, picks her up, pretends to swat a baseball with Kaitlyn’s legs, and then runs her around the bases. It’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen a couple of Hugh Grant movies. JJ doesn’t touch second base, so the home run doesn’t count.
Instead of concentrating on their baseball cocktail party, the guys talk about the Nick situation. They don’t’ like what they’ve seen and they’re starting to question Kaitlyn. Shawn in particular isn’t happy. He won’t say Nick’s name. It must be hard to talk about the Nick situation if you can’t say “Nick”.
Shawn pulls Kaitlyn aside to discuss the Nick situation. He tells her that he doesn’t like putting his guard down but he’s concerned about the Nick situation and what the Nick situation might do to his situation. He tells Kaitlyn that he’s into her 110%. That’s physically impossible.
Kaitlyn asks Shawn if he trusts her and her decisions. Shawn can’t answer the question. He can’t say “Nick”, and now he can’t answer certain questions. Shawn is thinking about leaving, even though Kaitlyn tells him that she really likes him. Kaitlyn says, this is her worst nightmare.
During the commercial break, there’s a Good Morning America promo that tells us about shark attacks and how they’re going to give us all tips on what to do if we’re attacked by sharks. That’s some amazing investigative journalism. I’m assuming these shark survival tips include:
- Growing fins so you can outswim genetically-engineered super predators.
- Carrying a water proof assault rifle when you swim.
- Jamming your left hand into the shark’s mouth while punching it into submission with furious rights.
By the way, I didn’t plan on two separate shark attack mentions in one blog. I apologize.
The rose ceremony is next. Kaitlyn stands on the pitcher’s mound to hand out the roses. On another channel, the Blackhawks could potentially be winning the Stanley Cup. This is my worst nightmare. Sports quota filled. Some of Kaitlyn’s boyfriends get roses. Some of them don’t. Nick gets a rose. This is Kaitlyn’s other boyfriends’ worst nightmare.
Three guys who I don’t recognize are sent home. Ryan, Corey and Johnathon leave. These men may have been in my house going through my things this season. I have no idea. I feel like I’ve never seen them before. They’re not even important enough to get limo confessional time. That’s the lowest low.
The boyfriends who stay complain that Nick took a rose away from the other boyfriends who didn’t get a rose. Shawn calls Nick a pompous and arrogant guy. This is the same Shawn who takes his shirt off and checks his hair three feet away from two camera guys every morning.
The party moves from New York to San Antonio, TX. Keep up! The boyfriends walk up a San Antonio street so cameras can capture them taking in the San Antonio sights. San Antonio seems nice, but no one has said yet that San Antonio is the perfect place to fall in love, so I’m reserving judgement.
The date card arrives. Ben H. gets the first 1-on-1 date. Ben H. runs into the other room to put on a shirt. Luckily, cameras are there to capture this important moment. While Ben H. and Kaitlyn jump into a vintage pickup truck to explore San Antonio, the other boyfriends sit around the hotel room to discuss the Nick situation with Nick. The guys question Nick’s sincerity again. They keep doing that! How is he supposed to explain his sincerity if people keep questioning it? Answer me!
The Ben H. date continues. Still. Kaitlyn takes Ben H. to the oldest dance hall in Texas. From the little I know about Texas, it has a really deep and rich dancing tradition. Kaitlyn tells the camera that chemistry on the dance floor tells a lot about the chemistry you’d have in a relationship. If that’s the case, my wife and I have the worst chemistry ever. We have the kind of chemistry that builds bombs.
Ben H. and Kaitlyn are to compete with folks in an authentic two-step dance competition. This is no joke. I’m super nervous for them. ABC talks to old Texas people about love. They talk. There’s talking. We listen. Love is important, according to many of them. It’s a weird transition.
The dancing is next. There’s so much of it. I’m watching the dancing. It doesn’t stop. No one has discussed the Nick situation in, at least, fifteen minutes. With all of this dancing going on, I don’t even miss the hockey happening on the other channel. As we watch Kaitlyn and Ben H. dance the two-step, Kaitlyn tells the camera that she feels like she’s taking the next “step” with Ben H. Get it?????????????? STEP!!!!!!!!!!!!! You guys are jerks.
Kaitlyn and Ben H. don’t win the dance competition. They lose. They’re losers. The losers go outside and make out next to their Texas pickup truck. It’s my worst nightmare.
The group date card comes to the hotel. The guys are all nervous that Nick will get a 1-on-1 date. You guys are nervous too, admit it. The group date lists everyone but Shawn, so Shawn will get the 1-on-1 date instead of Nick. When I realized Nick didn’t get a 1-on-1 date, I screamed out in relief and my neighbors called the cops.
We’re back to the Ben H. date. Keep up! Ben H. and Kaitlyn sit outside somewhere in San Antonio. Ben H. tells Kaitlyn that his last relationship didn’t go well and that made it difficult for him to open up. None of these guys are good at opening up. How is it possible that so many guys who have difficulty opening up are appearing on a nationally televised dating show?
Ben H. continues to talk about his bad relationship. Kaitlyn loves how open he’s being. He’s totally being open. You can see everything, like emotions and stuff. Kaitlyn gives Ben H. a rose and they make out. They’re connecting. We watch their connectingness. It’s connecty. Kaitlyn tells Ben H. not to be afraid to tell her things. He says he won’t. I’m going to hold him to that. He better not be afraid to tell her things or I’m going to call him out on it so hard.
The group date is next. Will you please keep up?! Some mariachi guys come out to serenade Kaitlyn. The group date will consist of the guys dressing up and doing mariachi. I think that’s how you put it. Do you do mariachi? Is it mariachi singing? Do you mariache? Answer me!
The guys go off by themselves to write mariachi songs. This is really helping them get to know their potential future wife. When Chris Harrison promised Kaitlyn he’d do everything in his power to help Kaitlyn find a husband, he wasn’t kidding. Joshua really wants to beat Nick in mariaching so he can win alone time with Kaitlyn. I’m rooting for him. You guys were rooting for him too, admit it.
The mariaching is next. Justin goes first. He’s a good mariaching. He sounds like the guy from Creed if he was a mariachi. JJ is terrible. Joe asks Kaitlyn to marry-achi her! Get it? Marry-achi!!!! Kaitlyn doesn’t answer him, so I’m not sure if it’s a real proposal. Plus, Neil Lane didn’t give him a ring, so it’s definitely not official. Ian does terrible and is really upset about it because he’s a performer. Ian takes things seriously.
After all of that fun, Nick stops the show and takes Kaitlyn up on a balcony to mariachi her in front of everyone. He rhymes connection with erection. The other boyfriends hate him for his mariaching and attention grabbing, but a couple of them give him credit for his inventiveness and mariachedness. Kaitlyn takes him into a hallway and makes out with him, so mariachi mission accomplished. I can’t believe you read down this far.
The group date continues. Kaitlyn remarks that everyone is handling the Nick situation well. I was just going to point out how well everyone was handling the Nick situation, but she beat me to it.
Joshua pulls Kaitlyn aside, puts on a blindfold and tells her to give him a haircut. It would have been more fun if she wore the blindfold. She starts to give him a Mohawk but screws it up. Kaitlyn stops halfway through the Mohawk and leaves Joshua with half of a Mohawk. It’s Mohawky. This was a bad idea.
Nick tells the camera that Joshua was stupid for letting Kaitlyn give him a haircut because it didn’t advance his relationship with Kaitlyn. I disagree. Then, Nick pulls Kaitlyn outside and sucks her face off. It’s slurptastic. When they’re done cleaning out each other’s teeth, Nick and Kaitlyn discuss the Nick situation. So much Nick situation discussion. Nick says that he can feel the hatred from the other guys but no one has been rude to his face. I feel like that’s going to change soon.
It changes soon. Nick re-joins the group and Joshua gets serious. He elevates the Nick situation. The Nick situation gets turnt up. Joshua tells Nick, to his face, that he doesn’t trust him. Joshua points at Nick while he talks to Nick so Nick knows exactly which Nick he’s talking to. Nick tells Joshua that Joshua doesn’t have to trust Nick, he has to trust Kaitlyn. It’s sound logic. I agree.
Nick explains that he is here for the right reasons and that he’s glad he lost the Bachelorette last season so he could have a chance with Kaitlyn. It’s sound logic. Joshua disagrees. He storms off. It’s stormy.
Joshua goes into a church. Where’d they get a church? Kaitlyn is in the church and they discuss the Nick situation. If you’re discussing the Nick situation in a church, you can’t lie. That’s a sin. Joshua tells Kaitlyn that Nick isn’t here for the right reasons. He says that Nick always talks about last season and the other time he was on TV and the current guys on TV don’t like that.
Kaitlyn isn’t sold. She asks Joshua why no one else has mentioned that Nick is here for the wrong reasons. Joshua doesn’t have an answer and gets super nervous. He realizes he screws up by saying bad things about Nick. Kaitlyn gets stressed out and doesn’t like this side of the Nick situation. Joshua tells her to ask some of the other guys about the Nick situation. Now, Kaitlyn doesn’t know what to do about the Nick situation. Joshua may have ruined his chances with Kaitlyn. I think his haircut had something to do with it.
Kaitlyn is all sorts of steamed. She rushes into the barn they’re all hanging out in and proclaims, “I’m actually having a real issue here.” I think homelessness, poverty and drug abuse are real issues, but Kaitlyn and I went to different schools.
Kaitlyn puts Joshua on the spot and asks the other guys if they’re being honest about the Nick situation. All the other guys sell out Joshua. They say that they’re fine with the Nick situation.
Kaitlyn asks Joshua why the other guys aren’t unsure of Nick. He doesn’t know what to say. The other guys continue their silence. They’re survivors. Joshua is going to be dumped and sent out into the real world with the worst haircut imaginable. Joshua swears and asks Ben Z. why he won’t speak up after they just got done talking about how Nick isn’t here for the right reasons. This Nick situation is out of control.
Kaitlyn tells the group that she is here to find a husband and she doesn’t want to play around with her reality TV husband-finding show. She gives the rose to Nick because she believes he is here for the right reasons. Some of the other boyfriends congratulate Nick right in front of Joshua. It’s uncomfortable. As we go to commercial break, ABC shows us the moon. ABC loves that moon.
Shawn’s 1-on-1 date is next. He looks like Ryan Gosslin. Kaitlyn loves the way he looks and smells. TMI, Kaitlyn! The happy couple goes kayaking through San Antonio. There is a lot kayaking, and some ducks. Keep up!
When they’re done kayaking, Kaitlyn and Shawn make out. We watch it. Shawn gets serious after the making out. He tells Kaitlyn that Joshua was coming from a good place and was right about Nick. Shawn said that he’s also worried about the Nick situation. Kaitlyn takes it well. Shawn is a good guy. He cares about his girlfriend’s other boyfriends.
It’s nighttime. Keep up! Shawn and Kaitlyn sit on a bench at a cabin, or something. Shawn talks about how happy he is to be here. He tells her that he was in a really bad car accident six years ago. He got hit on his way to go snowboarding and flipped through the air six times. He almost died. You guys, Shawn was almost dead! He spent a couple of months in the hospital and the cops told him that they’ve never seen anything like his car accident before. Shawn used the experience to learn life lessons. He doesn’t take anything for granted. This story doesn’t explain why he has difficulty opening up. Shawn starts to cry while telling his car crash story. Kaitlyn kisses his forehead. It’s a little, cute peck. She doesn’t lick his forehead or anything.
Shawn admits that he’s letting his guard down. He tells Kaitlyn that he’s falling in love with her. When he tells her that, they totally up the make-out level. Things get super slurpy. Shawn is still kind of crying, so it’s the wet boogery make-out kissing. It’s disgusting. This is my worst nightmare.
Kaitlyn is so happy about Shawn’s opening-upedness, she gives him a rose. They make out some more. Shawn says that every moment in his life has led up to this one. I wouldn’t want to have to almost die in a car crash to meet a girl, but Shawn and I went to different schools.
Just when you think the best date ever couldn’t get any bester, ABC shoots off fireworks in the sky. They watch the fireworks. We watch them watch the fireworks. ABC also shows us the moon again, in case we missed it the first time.
Back at the hotel, Ian complains to the camera that he’s not feeling this Bachelorette experience. He’s not used to being ignored by women. Ian thinks he’s better than he’s being treated by Kaitlyn. Nick walks in the room and Ian talks to Nick. Ian tells Nick that he’s not feeling Kaitlyn. Ian thinks that he would be better suited to be the Bachelor choosing from 25 women. Well, sure.
Ian tells Nick that he’s going to confront Kaitlyn before tomorrow’s rose ceremony. He says that San Antonio is the site of the Alamo, which was the last stand of soldiers during the Texas revolution. He says that San Antonio will also be the site of his last stand on this reality TV show. I hope there’s as much bloodshed.
The cocktail party is next. I don’t know if I can take two cocktail parties in one night. Joshua is super nervous because he has a horrible haircut and he regrets mishandling the Nick situation. Ian is preparing his Alamo moment. THIS IS THE MOST DRAMATIC COCKTAIL PARTY EVER.
Kaitlyn addresses the guys and tells them that she hopes all of her boyfriends will be honest and upfront with her. They toast to honesty. Ian tells the camera that he doesn’t think Kaitlyn can handle the truth because she’s not as hot as his ex-girlfriend. You guys, I don’t think that Ian is here for the right reasons.
Jared pulls Kaitlyn aside. His black eye is healing well. He tells Kaitlyn that, when he told her that he really liked her, he really meant it. Jared is being super honest. This whole honesty theme is working out, so far. They make out. Jared says he’s falling in love with Kaitlyn. If you’re keeping score at home, that’s a right reason.
Bart Simpson hair guy makes out with Kaitlyn. Ben H. makes out with Kaitlyn. Ian doesn’t make out with Kaitlyn. He’s too busy telling the camera that he’s going to lay into Kaitlyn with the truth. I’m not sure if I can handle the truth.
Ian grabs Kaitlyn and takes her into a different room than the ones in which she was making out with her other boyfriends. Ian tells Kaitlyn that he isn’t here to joke around. Ian says that he’s here to find a wife and he wants to break through the nonsense. Ian agreed to date a woman dating 25 men on TV, but he’s not here for nonsense. Ian tells Kaitlyn that she’s just here to make out with dudes. He says that he questions her intentions by bringing Nick onto the show. ABC plays villain music to tell us that Ian is the villain. Villains gotta vil. My computer still doesn’t think that vil is a word.
Before Ian can finish his Alamo moment, ABC ends the show. Now we’ll never know if Ian is killed by the Mexican army.