In case you couldn’t tell, I screwed up with last week’s recap and accidentally told you that Jen was going home before Ben sent her home. See, I’m on vacation…

In case you couldn’t tell, I screwed up with last week’s recap and accidentally told you that Jen was going home before Ben sent her home. See, I’m on vacation and didn’t want to get through all 2 hours, so I cheated and read an article that told me the outcome of the rose ceremony. That would make last week a spoiler, if it was possible to spoil something that was already terrible. You can’t spoil milk with clumps in it. That milk is already spoiled. Also, since only one person in the entire world pointed out my mistake, it’s pretty clear that no one reads these recaps. It’s lonely at the bottom. It’s ‘The Bachelor’!

Ben Higgins has 10 girlfriends. One of them is a twinless twin. It’s all happening so fast. Look, I can’t talk because it’s happening again. Ben is still in Mexico and he has to dump one of his girls. The preview footage shows us that the other girlfriends still hate Olivia and her ways. Ben pulls Olivia aside. We all know that he’s not going to dump her because I ruined the surprise last week. I’m not sorry. You’re the one reading a Bachelor recap.

The other girls speculate about the goinghomeness of Olivia and most of them think she’s going home. Ben asks Olivia why the other girls hate her. Olivia tells Ben that the other girls hate her because she is trying to date her boyfriend. That’s gotta suck! Olivia cries.

Ben accepts that Olivia is not the devil. What an idiot! ABC lawyers point a gun at Ben and force him to keep Olivia, so he does. Ben leads Olivia back out to the fancy couch area, so she’s not getting dumped.

Ben tells his girlfriends, “I enjoy and appreciate each and every one of you.” And then, he leaves. He’s such a gentleman!

The twin whose name I forgot because she’s not even a twin anymore is super mad that Olivia is still here. She yells, “One of the girls who deserves to be here will be sent home and Olivia will stay!”  Untwin isn’t mad that there are 9 other girls dating her boyfriend, she’s just mad that one of the 9 other girlfriends is super fake. This show isn’t too far away from a bunch of people drinking Kool Aid before catching a magic spaceship ride with their “leader”.

The rose ceremony happens. When Chris Harrison comes out to do that annoying, “Ladies, this is the final rose of the night” speech that no one cares about, he’s wearing a brown suit. I feel like the only guy who wears a brown suit is my Social Studies teacher. Ben dumps Jen. I still don’t know who Jen is, but he dumps her. I guess I don’t have to know who she is now. Jen is super sad. She’s showing a lot of emotion for a girl who didn’t even exist 2 minutes ago.

Ben tells Jen, “You’re going to make someone very happy.” When he says it, it sounds like a threat. He’s like, “If you don’t freakin’ make someone so happy, I will freakin’ find you and kill you.” Ben isn’t a warm public speaker.

Three seconds after dumping Jen and demanding that she makes someone happy, Ben tells his other girlfriends that they’re all going to the Bahamas. The girls cheer together because they’re happy that they get to go to the Bahamas with the 8 other girls dating their boyfriend. See, Jen, Ben made someone really happy. Why can’t you??!!

The group is in the Bahamas. Keep up. I wasn’t positive that they were in the Bahamas, but then ABC showed a bunch of the girls on a boat shouting, “We’re in the Bahamas!” I was all, like, “Wait, are they in the Bahamas?” And then Becca says, “We’re in the Bahamas.” So, that’s where they are. They’re in the Bahamas.

Becca says, “The Bahamas are the perfect place to fall in love.” Every Bachelor contestant for the past 400 years has said that the place they are currently in is the perfect place to fall in love. There will be a one-on-one date, a group date, and a dreaded 2-on-1 date where Ben dumps one of his girlfriends in the middle of dinner.

Caila gets the one-on-one date. The date card says something about “real love”, but it’s spelled r-e-e-l, so there will be a ton of fishing. The only thing better than watching two people slurp on TV is watching them fish.

Ben and Caila go deep sea fishing. I feel like this date is a little too close to a real date. They’re not performing in a circus or on a roller derby team. ABC doesn’t even make anyone climb down buildings anymore! What happened to the building climbing, ABC? Monsters!

The fishing happens. We watch it. It’s endless. So much fishing. Sports quota filled, technically.

Caila has some pretty deep thoughts on their date. It appears that the sea fishing isn’t the only thing that’s deep here, amirite? (High-fives air) Caila tells Ben that she’s afraid that their relationship might be doomed because she might end up hurting him in the long run. Ben shows her how nervous he is about this by making out with her a ton. If he’s not careful, he’ll catch more than fish! (Fist bumps no one) Ben gives Caila a rose.

The group date is next. Ben takes a handful of his girlfriends out on a yacht. Ben tells his girlfriends that they’re going to feed some pigs in the ocean. Everyone is given a bucket of chicken hot dogs or something and a bunch of pigs run out from the shore and into the ocean. The pigs swarm the women as they scream and throw hot dogs at them. I really wish I was making this up, but I’m not.

4th Lauren says it best, “I never in a million years thought I’d be swimming with pigs in the ocean.” That was my yearbook quote.

As Ben is feeding a pig, he looks over at his girlfriends and notices how good they are at nourishing pigs. He smiles, knowing that whoever he chooses to marry will be so good at feeding pigs, and that’s really half of the battle in any relationship. My wife and I had a few rocky years because we never really had the ocean pig feed training that these lucky kids have had tonight. (I kiss a cross and tuck it back into my shirt)

After the pig feeding, everyone unwinds in a place with alcohol. Leah has been bothered by 4th Lauren and can’t take it anymore. You guys couldn’t take it anymore either, admit it! Leah pulls Ben aside for a real talk. These people constantly pull each other aside. Ben asks Leah to tell it to him straight.

Leah tells Ben that she doesn’t think that 4th Lauren is right for Ben. It’s so straight-given. Leah is totally giving it to Ben super straight. She’s like a ruler with words. Leah says that, if he ends up with 4th Lauren, he’ll end up unhappy. She’s sabotaging 4th Lauren’s chances with Ben. It’s sabotagey. In the middle of this 4th Lauren treachery, guess who comes in the room?? Guess! I said Guess! You guessed right! It’s 4th F’ing Lauren! Holy Snap!

4th Lauren interrupts the conversation and Leah leaves. Typical. Ben tells 4th Lauren what Leah was just saying. Awko Taco! Ben doesn’t mention that it was Leah, though, so Leah is still a back-stabber and not a front-stabber. Ben gives 4th Lauren a chance to tell her side of the story. These people are always giving other people the chance to tell their side of the story. 4th Lauren tells her side of the story. We listen to it. It happens. It’s happeny.

4th Lauren goes into the other room to cry. There is just so much crying. You guys cried too, admit it. Leah walks in the room and is all, “OMG, what’s the hub bub?” And 4th Lauren is all, “Boo hoo, someone hates me and told Ben not to pick me to win the game show.” Leah is all, “OMG! Did he happen to say who said things about you?” 4th Lauren doesn’t say because she doesn’t know. Honestly, there are so many things you could be doing instead of reading this recap. You could go into your kitchen and throw a bunch of ice cubes in the sink and pour water over them and pretend like the ice cubes are screaming as they melt like they’re the Germans in ‘Raiders of the Lost Arc’. That’s just one thing you could do instead of reading this, but you won’t!

Next, Ben gives out the group date rose as half of his girlfriends are in tears. It’s super romantic and not at all the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen. Sorry, awko taco. Ben gives the rose to Amanda, I think. I can’t really tell who is who. 4th Lauren is super upset that she didn’t get the rose. Let’s just agree that we’re all upset that she didn’t get the rose. As they transition to the next scene, ABC shows us the moon. These guys and their moon.

The girlfriends hang out in their hotel place and gab about their boyfriend. 4th Lauren tries to figure out who threw her under the bus. A couple of the girls consider that it could be Leah. It is Leah! I shout out, “It’s Leah! Leah threw you under the bus, 4th Lauren!” But no one hears me because they’re in the Bahamas and from 6 months ago.

While the gossip happens, Leah travels by elevator to Ben’s room. That’s 20 Fantasy points! Way to go, Leah. She gets 20 for this and 25 for warning the Bachelor that someone might be here for the wrong reasons. Leah continues to tell Ben about 4th Lauren’s wrong-reasonedness. My idiot computer doesn’t think that “wrong-reasonedness” is a word. When will Asia learn?

Ben tells Leah that he’s concerned about their relationship. He doesn’t feel like they’re connecting like they used to 2 dates ago. Leah is all, “Wait, this is backfiring.” It backfires. Ben dumps Leah and shows her out. Cameras follow her out into the Bahamian night. She packs her bags and then cries to the camera about how much love sucks. She says that she feels like an idiot, but she also thinks that Ben is a fool for letting her go. Wow, a fool and an idiot would make a great couple. Ben really messed up this time.

The 2-on-1 date is next. Olivia and Twinless will hang out with Ben and then one of them will get dumped. Both girls are wearing tops that show off 68% of their boobs. (I kiss a cross and tuck it back into my shirt)

When the girls meet Ben by the ocean, he hugs Olivia first. Foreshadowing! It’s super windy on the boat they take out. They’re really finding love. The happy threesome travel by boat to a rock. Keep up! There’s a rose tied down to the rock by wire. Some poor Bachelor intern had to swim out to this rock in the middle of the ocean and tie down a rose. I hope these kids go on to have great careers.

Ben sits with Untwin and Olivia and drinks. Then, he pulls Olivia and her giant mouth aside to talk. They walk over to a different part of the rock while Detwin kind of just sits there, alone. It’s awko taco. Untwin is mad because she knows Olivia is being fake and Twingle hates fake people. I think I like “Twingle”. I’m gonna stick with “Twingle” from here on out.

Olivia tells Ben how real she is. She says she’s “over the moon happy”. So, Olivia is from 1923. Olivia is super in love. They make out on their little section of the rock.

Next, Ben pulls Twingle to the other rock part. I can’t believe you’re reading this. Thanks, Consumer’s!

(Consumer’s Beverages is Buffalo’s Beer Store.)

Twingle is all sorts of worked up by the time she gets to talk to Ben, so she comes across as hostile. Ben just had a nice moment with fake Olivia, so he’s not ready for the hostility. He cheers Twingle up and she smiles. Everything is better. Ben makes everything better. Twingle is happy for three seconds. Ben thanks Twingle for allowing him to dump her sister. It’s a nice thing to bring up on a date.

Next, Ben has to dump one of these girls on his rock of love. He takes the rose, and then calls Olivia aside. It would seem that Olivia is getting the rose, but you never know with this show. Ben walks Olivia back to the other part of the rock. Twingle is screaming to the camera about how much she hates Olivia and how Ben is making a huge mistake. She says that Ben is “passing up on a pearl.” That’s a good one, Twingle!

Ben is walking Olivia 600 miles to the other part of the rock. Keep up! Ben thanks Olivia for speaking from her heart. He says that he can tell Olivia has feelings for him, but he can’t reciprocate those feelings. He actually uses the word “reciprocate.” Olivia’s face is stunned. For the first time in 6 weeks, her mouth isn’t open widely. Ben hugs Olivia and leaves her on that other part of the rock so she can cry. The tears seem real.

Ben goes back to give Twingle the rose while Olivia watches from her lonely part of the rock. It’s super awko taco. ABC is the worst. Even if Olivia is terrible, that’s super mean. Olivia cries to the camera and we can still see a lot of her boobs. Ben and Twingle get on the boat and leave her on her rock to cry. Because this scene was shot months ago, we can only assume that Olivia either starved to death and died on that rock or honed in her survival instincts and learned to fish and crab with her giant mouth and cankles. She is now an ocean woman. ABC also left a camera guy on the rock to film Olivia’s loneliness, so they’re probably breeding little giant-mouthed babies with cankles.

It’s the next day. Ben is on the beach in a suit battling 70 MPH winds because ABC didn’t have an indoor backup plan for hurricane weather. Ben says, “It’s been a tough week. I’m physically tired and emotionally tired.” Wow, that’s super tired, you guys.

The girls prepare for their rose ceremony. They’re all glad that Olivia is gone, but they don’t know who else is going home. Amanda and Twingle have a rose. Luckily, the other girls still have a cocktail party to geNOPE! Chris Harrison walks in and totally cancels the cocktail party! He is the destroyer of lives! Now, Ben’s girlfriends are really freaking out because they have 14 less minutes to get to know the man who could be their husband.

Jo Jo cries to the camera because she’s had her heart broken before and doesn’t want to have her heart broken again. You guys don’t want to have your heart broken again either, admit it!

Ben thanks his girlfriends for being girlfriendey and then dumps Lauren H. He gives 4th Lauren the final rose despite the fact that Leah told him he’d be unhappy with her. Some guys never learn! There are only six girlfriends left.

Lauren H. hugs the other girlfriends and is escorted outside by Ben into the super windy night. They hug and Ben shoves her into her limo. Lauren H. tells the camera that she thought she’d be great for Ben. They all think that. Lauren H. asks, “Why is it so hard to fall in love? I get sick of it. It’s so hard!” I’m not a relationship or love expert, Lauren H., but maybe don’t go on TV and date a guy who is dating 24 other girls in front of cameras? I don’t know. I mean, love is hard for sure, but we don’t have to make it harder by having ABC manipulate us by throwing us in a mansion with other girls who have been scientifically proven with personality tests to antagonize us. Again, I’m not an expert. I’m just a recapper trying to help.

Next week, Ben dates his remaining girlfriends, but not before the jerks at ABC make me recap some stupid 20th anniversary thing they’re airing on Sunday night. Unless I get hit in the hands with a hammer and become unable to type. Here’s hoping! To this point, I am not sure if Jen has made someone very happy. We’re efforting to find out so that proper corrective measures can be made if she is not making someone very happy.

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