You know how sometimes, when you’re taking a shit, it kind of hurts? Anyway, the Bachelor finale is tonight. With fresh venereal diseases on his genitals, Nick explores Finland with…

You know how sometimes, when you’re taking a shit, it kind of hurts? Anyway, the Bachelor finale is tonight. With fresh venereal diseases on his genitals, Nick explores Finland with his two remaining girlfriends. He will dump one of them and propose to the other one. It took one sentence for me to describe what will happen. It will take ABC three hours to show it. It’s more pointless than the speedometer on my Ford Fusion going to 120MPH. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.

In the race to win Nick’s heart, Raven and Vanessa remain. They’ve gutted out Corinne’s talking, Chris Harrison’s nodding and wrinkled chance meetings with the Backstreet Boys to reach the finale. I’ll bet Navy Seals watch this show and ask, “How do they do it?”

Chris Harrison says that Nick is at a crossroads, complete with footage of Nick walking around forlornly through the snow-covered roads of Finland. It’s super crossroady. Finland looks like a great place to be forlorn. If I ever get forlorn, I’m gonna catch the first train to Finland. Forlorn af.

This is a “live” episode, meaning that Chris Harrison will periodically ask an audience of screaming cat owners rhetorical questions and then cut to commercial. He says that something that’s never before happened in Bachelor history will happen on the stage. I guess that means something remotely interesting will happen.

We begin with more moose footage. My dear lord, ABC loves moose. Nick says that Finland is the perfect place to start the most important week of his amazing journey. I hate this show. ABC has flown Nick’s family in to share in the torture. His parents and siblings will meet Raven and Vanessa and ask them tough questions. I can’t wait.

Nick tells his family that he doesn’t know who is going to win the game show. He has a whole week to decide which girl to dump and which to marry, so this is no big deal.

Raven gets the first chance to embarrass herself. She brings Nick’s family a box of something. Raven last met the family in Milwaukee when she went roller skating. Keep up! The box Raven brought is left on a table and not talked about. I really want to know what’s in the box. Bachelor interns had to run to the store to purchase whatever is in that box. I need to know what they chose.

Nick’s sister pulls Raven into the other room. She asks Raven if she loves Nick and Raven says yes. These are some tough questions. Nick’s sister says that she hopes Raven wins, so now this whole thing is rigged. I hope Vanessa wins and then holds that moment against Nick’s sister for the rest of her life.

Nick’s dad asks Raven if Raven thinks Nick loves her. I wasn’t ready for this much hard-hitting action. I’m already sweating. Raven tells Nick’s dad that she promises she wouldn’t be here if she wasn’t hoping for a proposal from Nick. Nick’s dad says that he sees Raven fitting in with the family. You guys saw Raven fitting in with the family too, admit it!

Nick’s mom complains about how Nick got dumped the season before, as if that’s Raven’s problem. Raven tells Nick’s mom that she loves Nick. Raven went a little heavy on the eye liner. The bottom half of her eye lashes look like literal dead ravens.

Nick is forced into a room to talk to his mom. He tells his mom that he likes Raven a lot because she challenges him. I feel like an episode of ‘Murder She Wrote’ would challenge Nick, but okay. Nick’s mom is worried because Nick is taking such a big risk, putting his heart out there after having it broken just a year ago. She’s over protective. Just let him live, mom!

After the commercial, ABC cuts back to Chris Harrison and the live studio audience. Chris Harrison calls this episode “historic.” I was just thinking how this episode reminds me of the moon landing and FDR’s new deal.

We’re back to Nick’s family in the Finnish cabin. Keep up. Vanessa arrives and has a gift bag. She has clearly brought this to the family but ABC won’t show what’s in it. Why won’t they tell us what the gifts are??!! I’ll bet it’s money for drugs.

Vanessa tells Nick’s family about how she threw up in an airplane and how Nick took care of her, even though he didn’t really do anything. Soft ‘Nick comforted Vanessa after she threw up in an airplane’ music. Vanessa cries. You guys cried too, admit it!

Vanessa goes into another room with Nick’s mom. She says that she’s in love with Nick and that she can’t picture life without Nick. I could. Vanessa says that she isn’t sure what will happen if Nick proposes because she only wants to get engaged once. What a prude! Nick’s mom understands. It’s understandy.

Nick talks with his dad. I can’t believe you read down this far. There is just so much talking. Nick’s dad says that Vanessa seems like Nick’s type. I wonder if my dad knows my type? He doesn’t talk to me because I recap ‘The Bachelor’. I could never blame him. My wife chimes in that she thinks Vanessa seems more like Nick’s type. I scream at her because I’m trying to watch the Bachelor finale, not listen to her theories about Nick’s type. Now, we’re not talking. I’m so alone.

Nick’s dad tells Vanessa what love is like. We listen. I hope Foreigner is listening. Nick’s dad says that love is commitment and selflessness. Then, he starts crying. If he really believed in selflessness, he wouldn’t have appeared on the Bachelor to assist with the ruining of my life. Vanessa also cries. Vanessa and Nick’s dad cry and hug. Nick’s dad says that he believes Vanessa is genuine. He must have seen one of her movies because she’s an actor.

Nick takes Vanessa outside and thanks her for meeting his family. They make out in the driveway to fulfill their contractual obligations.

Nick’s family sits in the Finnish cabin to discuss Nick’s love life. I couldn’t imagine my family sitting on a couch, discussing my love life. There’d be a ton of fart noises and “tiny penis” jokes.

Nick’s mom mentions that Raven seems too ready to get engaged. She doesn’t think Raven is sincere. Nick’s mom has obviously never watched ‘The Bachelor’. She’s worried that Raven would hurt Nick. Nick’s mom is clearly on Team Vanessa. Wow, I smell a family war, one half on Team Vanessa, one half on Team Raven. I bet Nick’s sister stabs Nick’s mom.

When the dramaticalness reaches a chest-burning level, ABC cuts back to the live studio audience of cat owners. Chris Harrison asks the cat owners who they think is going to win. Most of the cat owners think Vanessa will win. They must have watched what just happened. Chris Harrison also asks if the cat owners think Nick will end up alone, and some of them say yes. If Nick ends up alone, I’ll kill myself.

Chris Harrison keeps promising that the ending is going to be “jaw dropping.” I’ve never dropped my jaw before, so I hope he’s not lying.

We’re back in Finland. Keep up. Nick and Vanessa meet in the snow somewhere. I don’t know. Nick and Vanessa go horseback riding, because sure! As they ride their horses, Santa Claus pokes his head out from behind a tree. I bet you think I’m kidding. I’m not. ABC brought Santa into their STD-ridden game show. Good. Santa comes across as super rapey. This is not a good look for Santa.


Nick and Vanessa continue to ride, unaware that Santa is watching. I mean, technically he’s always watching. He’s watching me type this recap. Go to hell, Santa!

Nick and Vanessa ride up to a cabin. They knock on the door. Santa answers. Vanessa freaks out because she gets to meet the real Santa Claus. Santa doesn’t speak English, so there are subtitles when he speaks. I should point out that Vanessa is excited to meet someone who is about as real as the idea of a man meeting his wife by dating 30 women on TV.

Santa changes gears and starts speaking English. Santa is a rapey liar. He sits down with Nick and Vanessa and talks to them about magic and love. I can’t believe you read down this far. Santa gives Nick and Vanessa a gift. It’s a wooden heart with their names on it. So, Santa’s been to Things Remembered.

Nick and Vanessa leave the Santa cabin to sit outside by a fire. They make out. It’s 1 degree outside, so there’s some snot on their faces when they kiss. ABC is smart. Vanessa tells Nick that she’ll only get engaged once. Does she know that Nick has another girlfriend?

Nick tells Vanessa that he likes smart, strong, confident women, and he’s looking for someone to balance him. I think he means spiritually, not physically. Vanessa gets quiet. She doesn’t seem sure that she has a future with Nick. She doesn’t want to share Nick’s love with another person. I guess she shouldn’t have gone on a game show to date a guy who was dating 29 other women? I’m not sure. I’ve never been to Finland.

Vanessa and Nick hug and cry. Jeepers, these people cry a lot. They just met Santa for Christ’s sake. Shouldn’t they be at least a little happy? Answer me!

It’s nighttime in Finland. Vanessa is in a cabin and Nick walks up to the cabin. I’m a good explainer.

Vanessa is still complaining that her boyfriend has feelings for another woman. Someone get Vanessa a TV. Nick and Vanessa sit on a couch to talk. I look for something that might cut the skin on my wrist. Vanessa tells Nick that she needs reassurance about their relationship, and she’s sick of him dodging her questions. I throw an empty beer bottle at the wall, just to feel something.

Nick says that he understands that she doesn’t feel special. He says that he’s careful with his heart because he’s been dumped on TV twice. Vanessa asks if he feels he’s ready to propose. Nick says that the week isn’t over yet, and he’ll decide that at the end of the week. Nick says that he’s not allowed to tell Vanessa what he wants because this is a game show and there are rules. This whole thing is super uncomfortable.

Nick tells Vanessa that he feels strongly for her. She smiles. He says that, when he’s with her, he’s only thinks of her. It’s super romantic. This show is proof that you can make a bunch of women feel special at the same time. I totally should have dated more than one woman. I feel so stupid now.

Vanessa starts crying because she’s dating a guy who is dating another woman. Nick hugs her. Meanwhile, a camera guy gets right in and captures Vanessa crying, up close. He’s like 2 feet away from Vanessa as she lies on the couch and cries. This is how love should be. You should lie on a couch and cry with a camera guy two feet away from your face. Otherwise, what’s the point?

ABC cuts back to the live studio audience. The Chris Harrison segments are ultra pointless. He says, “Nick still has one date to go. Let’s see how it goes.” Thanks, Chris. I wouldn’t have gotten here without your guidance.

Raven meets Nick in the snow for their final date before the rose ceremony. He takes her to a cabin. It’s special because Nick has only taken a couple of other girls to a cabin. Raven does not get to meet Santa Claus. I’m sure she’ll love watching this back to see that she’s not worthy of St. Nick.

The happy couple goes ice skating. We get to watch 4 minutes of ice skating. It pales in comparison to the 4 minutes of roller skating we watched these two idiots perform earlier in the season. While they skate, ABC plays that god damned Six Pence None the Richer song. It’s the most terrible, overplayed song ever created, so it’s perfect for this moment.

Nick carries Raven around the ice. If he drops her, she’ll very likely suffer a concussion because ice is super hard. ABC doesn’t care because they didn’t even give them helmets. Nick and Raven make out on the ice. Then, they lie down on the ice and make out. It’s super romantic, until you think about how cold and uncomfortable it would be to lie down on the ice while some guy whore slurped on your face for forty seconds.

After their snotty make-out session, Nick and Raven sit by the fire. Nick talks about how much his family likes Raven. So, basically Nick lies. They snuggle by the fire. Raven is getting dumped. It’s pretty obvious.

Nick leaves the fire. He brings back a bunch of puppies. They’re super cute. The puppies yelp and play. I can’t even hate this moment. I’m not made of stone. I love puppies. This is the happiest I’ve ever been.

Raven says, “I hope our kids are even cuter than these puppies.” It’s the creepiest thing you could say. It ruins the whole puppy moment. Let this be a lesson to you kids out there, always speculate what your kids will look like when you’re dating a guy on TV. It never backfires.

It’s later in the night. Nick and Raven are in yet another cabin. That’s all Finland is, just cabins, rapey Santas and puppies. It has its ups and downs. Nick and Raven have a pointless conversation. He says that he’s super stressed because he’s not sure who he is going to dump yet. Raven doesn’t seem concerned that it might be her. It must be nice to be so stupid.

Raven bulls into a 3-minute speech about how she’s ready to say yes if Nick proposes. This will be super embarrassing in a couple of minutes when Raven is dumped. Nick tells Raven that he doesn’t have any reservations about how happy she’d make him. It’s a nice thing to say, even if it is a lie.

Nick and Raven make out by the fire in their Finnish cabin. I know this because at least three different camera guys are in the cabin with them, capturing their slurpy make-out session. We see the making out. We hear the slurps. We’re so lucky to be a part of this magical union.

Raven tells the camera that she’s super confident that she’s going to win the game show. I love how Chris Harrison is going to act like he’s Raven’s best friend after orchestrating her complete embarrassment.

We’re back to the live audience of cat owners. Chris Harrison asks them how they’re doing. The cat owners clap. He asks the cat owners if Nick will be happy. The cat owners clap. I jump down on my knees and thank God for Chris Harrison because I couldn’t even understand what is going on without him.

We’re back in Finland. Keep up! Nick sits in a cabin, alone, and thinks. There’s a fire blazing. It’s always best to think by a fire. Neil Lane knocks on his door so we can have a 5-minute diamond commercial. I love these segments with Neil Lane because diamonds are not the worst thing ever. They’re super rare and romantic and not stock-piled n a vault to fake their rarity, and poor people aren’t exploited in the mining of these diamonds. and Neil Lane doesn’t profit tremendously from the suffering of these poor people. It’s more about love than any of that. Neil Lane is a hero.

Vanessa gets ready for the rose ceremony. She changes her clothes while a creepy camera guys films her getting dressed. She talks to the camera about her doubts. Raven also gets dressed in front of the camera. She says that she’s ready to get engaged. This is human magic.

After that, Nick sits in a room and thinks. We watch him think. It’s super thinky. He’s thinking a ton. I can’t even. Next, we jump to Vanessa. She’s sitting and thinking. Holy shit, there’s so much thinking. Jesus Christ, now Raven is thinking. My TV begins to shake. My dog just ran down into the basement. They always know when something terrible is about to happen.

It’s almost over. Nick stands in a different cabin and waits to dump one of his girlfriends. He says it’s, “The worst feeling I’ve ever felt before.” It’s exactly how every person should feel, all of time.

Raven arrives first, so she’s super dumped. Chris Harrison walks her up to the cabin to help her get dumped. Chris Harrison cares so much for Raven that he doesn’t stop her from going up to get dumped. He doesn’t say, “Look, if you go up there, it’s going to suck. Just go home. It’s embarrassing.” Chris Harrison actually offers Raven his arm to support her on her way to get dumped. He’s a super big cock sucker. I hate Chris Harrison.

Raven immediately begins talking. She talks about how sure she is that she’s in love and that she can’t wait to get married. While she’s talking, Nick is bawling his eyes out. Raven is super smart, so she doesn’t stop talking. She doesn’t realize she’s being dumped as it happens. Nick tells Raven that he cares a lot about Raven. He cries some more. He tells Raven that he’s not in love with her. Nick says, “That’s all I could think about when I figured out my heart this morning is how much I love being next to you.”

So, he figured it out this morning? Holy cow, this guy sucks. Raven is super nice. She smiles the whole time, taking this dipshit’s dumping with grace. She tears up, but doesn’t just punch him in the balls like the rest of America would. Nick tells Raven that he’ll miss her. If he is going to miss her, he probably shouldn’t dump her, but I don’t know. I’ve never been to Finland.

Nick walks Raven outside, because it’s definitely normal to dump a woman and then push her into an SUV so you don’t have to have a conversation about the end of your relationship.

Raven cries in her SUV. She says that she doesn’t think love will ever happen, so why even look for it. That sounds like someone who wants to be a future Bachelorette.

We go back to the live studio audience of cat owners. They sort of applaud Raven’s dumping. It wasn’t very applaudy. Chris Harrison says, “That was painful to watch.” I’m not sure if he’s talking about the scene where Nick dumped Raven, or the past 14 years of the show. Either way, he’d be right. It’s also a dick move to produce and orchestrate someone’s dumping and then say, “Gee whiz, that was painful!”

Vanessa’s big moment is next. ABC is acting like Vanessa might say no to Nick’s proposal. It’s their way of trying to make the unwatchable watchable.

Nick welcomes Vanessa to the proposal cabin. He tells her that he started falling in love with her during the second rose ceremony. I could totally tell that he was falling in love with her back then by the way he rubbed his tongue and genitals all over a bunch of other women.

Nick says that he can see his future in Vanessa. He’s crying and there’s a bunch of snot in his nose. This is romantic. Vanessa cries. She says that she could always see something special in Nick and that she didn’t think he’d ever notice her. She didn’t believe she’d win the game show and find love. She thanks him for being the prize of the game show.

Nick and Vanessa kiss. He gets down on one knee and proposes. Vanessa said she’s only get engaged once, so this better be legit. Nick asks Vanessa to marry him and she says yes. She’s sobbing and all snotty, so it doesn’t sound exactly like a “yes.” I’m sure ABC lawyers will make her sign a form to confirm the yes. Nick gives her the final rose of the season. Now I’m crying because it’s almost over. Only one hour to go. It’s the worst hour, but still.

Nick and Vanessa go outside and get on a horse-drawn carriage as the future Mr. and Mrs. Soon to Be Divorced. It’s the most dramatic ending in Bachelor history. I throw up because I can only handle so much drama.

Next comes the terrible ‘After the Final Rose’ special. It’s not at all special. Chris Harrison once again promises that something unbelievable and incredible is going to happen. Then, he says that the incredible thing is about Rachel, the next Bachelorette. So, it’s not really an incredible thing. I knew it wouldn’t be because I’ve been watching this show forever, but I’m sure someone out there fell for Chris Harrison’s lies.

Nick joins Chris Harrison on stage for stupidity. Harrison congratulates Nick on a successful game show. They talk. There’s talking. Chris Harrison brings Raven out because she hasn’t been through enough. Chris Harrison reminds Raven of how painful it was. Then, he asks her to say something to Nick about her pain.

Raven, who by the way hasn’t seen the man who dumped her for a couple of months, doesn’t kick Nick in the balls. She makes sure he’s okay with how their relationship ended. I’d have handled it differently. Nick tells Raven how much he appreciates her. He probably shouldn’t have dumped her if he appreciated her so much. I try to never dump the people I appreciate. The good news is, Raven finally fixed her eyelashes. She’s come a long way since being dumped.

Raven tells America that she’s had a hard time with being dumped. She says she’s been in a lot of pain but she’ll be fine. Then, she tells Nick that she hopes he and Vanessa will be happy together. Raven is too cute. I would have sunk a shiv into Nick’s throat. Hoxie doesn’t have shivs though, just football faith and family.

Chris Harrison invites Raven to the godless Bachelor in Paradise show and she accepts the invitation. It’s amazing how she was able to shake off heartbreak and embrace the opportunity to be on TV some more. Raven is a flat-out hero.

This is way too many words. Are you in prison? That’s like the only reason anyone would read down this far.

Vanessa sits with Chris Harrison for a stupid interview. Vanessa seems happy. She should be thrilled about the boost in her career. She says that she had a hard time separating Nick the Bachelor with Nick the real person. In laymen’s terms, that means that she had to accept her boyfriend rubbing abs with a bunch of other women. Vanessa says that, since the end of the show, there have been difficult days. I can understand that. Right after proposing to my wife, I had to break off contact with her and only meet up with her in complete secrecy for a couple of hours at a time, too.

I can’t even tell you the worst thing about this picture.

Next up, ABC brings out Nick so he can sit next to his fiance. It’s super fiancey. Chris Harrison asks them how hard it is to deal with his fucked up game show. Nick says that it’s tough. I nod in agreement because the entire premise of this show is unnatural and shallow. It’s like pushing someone down on open elevator shaft and then asking them if they disliked the experience.

Chris Harrison explains that Nick and Vanessa probably won’t make it because it’s tough to date someone on TV and then make it work in the real world. Nick and Vanessa agree. ABC is making it clear that no one expects this relationship to work. Chris Harrison asks them if they’re getting married. Vanessa says, “We haven’t figured it out yet.” They agree that they’ll live in America, if they get married, which they won’t.

Vanessa says that she’s going to set up a charity for the disabled. Nick talks about his future appearance on Dancing with the Stars, so they’re going in the same direction. I’d be amazed if they ever see each other beyond this finale.

There’s a bunch more talking. I can’t even keep track because I’m tired and don’t care. I think the one thing we learned this season is that Nick is an empty shell of a man, Vanessa is an actress who successfully furthered her career, Neil Lane profits from the blood of the poor, and Chris Harrison couldn’t manage to be entertaining if you stuffed him full of mercury and jammed him into an MRI machine.

The show isn’t over. I think I died at one point. Chris Harrison brings out Rachel for the big, pointless announcement that won’t be interesting. Rachel is black. The cat owners scream for Rachel because ABC lawyers are pointing guns at them, forcing them to do do.

Chris Harrison asks Rachel how she feels about Vanessa winning the game show. They talk and there’s talking. Rachel is so broken up about being dumped by Nick that she’s willing to wish him luck. Chris Harrison declares that Vanessa winning the game show is proof that ABC is good at match making. He fails to mention is 3% accuracy rating but, luckily for Chris Harrison, no one is auditing the numbers.

There’s more talking. We still don’t know what the big stupid surprise is. I can’t wait to find out how angry I’m going to be about the empty promise Chris Harrison made about this surprise. It happens every year, so I shouldn’t be surprised, but I can’t help but be angry by everything Chris Harrison does. It fuels me. I could power a locomotive on my hate for Chris Harrison.

Chris Harrison reveals the super huge surprise. It’s super surprisey. You guys are going to be so freaking surprised. It’s announced that ‘The Bachelorette’ starts tonight. Bachelor interns bring out props to resemble the mansion. Some Bachelorette contestants walk out to meet Rachel on live television. Absolutely nothing could possibly go wrong.

The game show contestants introduce themselves to Rachel, complete with hackey gimmicks. I hated myself for watching this show until I was treated to such a special serving of exclusive footage. I feel so lucky. You guys feel so lucky too, admit it! Rachel is nervous. She says, “I’m not only at a loss for words, I don’t know what to say right now.” Well, that redundant phrase says it all.

Contestant one is black. Rachel is black. This is working. The guy is Mario. He gives Rachel a plane ticket to Vegas so they can elope. He also offers her an engagement ring. This is great TV and not at all a travesty.

The next contestant is white. ABC is breaking down barriers. The guy doesn’t say his name and doesn’t know what to say. It’s awkward. The whole thing is terrible, so it’s exactly like everything that has ever happened on this show.

There’s a third contestant. The chances that someone is reading this sentence is zero. The third contestant says, “I’m ready to go black, and I’m never going to go back.” It’s so funny, because Rachel is totally black! The guy was talking about sex, I think. Wow. I’ve never heard that phrase before, but it rhymed.

There’s a fourth guy. He talks. There’s talking. I’m not gonna lie. I’ve checked out. This is torture. I once chipped my tooth on the sidewalk and I enjoyed that more than this.

Chris Harrison ends the misery, with the promise of more misery to come in a couple of months. It’s a gentle reminder that, while my pain is over for a little while, it’s never really over because this terrible show will never end. I’m allowed little breaks, just like water boarding. I hope you enjoyed my recaps. I hate every single one of you.