ABC doesn’t take holidays off. They went ahead with a 2-hour episode of their terrible game show. You can’t take time off when the goal is to find love for…

ABC doesn’t take holidays off. They went ahead with a 2-hour episode of their terrible game show. You can’t take time off when the goal is to find love for Rachel. ABC cares about Rachel and they want her to find love. They care so much about Rachel that they fixed her up with 31 boyfriends, and one of those boyfriends shouts out the word Whaboom at every opportunity. I remember hearing about how, when my grandfather was courting my grandmother, he did nothing but scream Whaboom for 3 weeks. This is all very serious. This is ‘The Bachelorette’.

After dumping a bunch of boyfriends last week, Rachel only has about 23 or so boyfriends. The preview for tonight’s show tells us that someone is going to get punched and Bachelorette medics will be needed. I hope some people die.

We start with footage of Rachel’s 3-legged dog running around. I think it’s her dog. It may have just been a random 3-legged dog. There’s no time to think about it because Rachel’s boyfriends just ran out onto a balcony and screamed “Rachel.” This show moves so fast.

Chris Harrison stops in to be useless. He announces that there will be group dates and a 1-on-1 date. Then, he leaves. It was my favorite part of the show.

The group date is first. The guys going on the date toast with champagne. Whaboom guy shouts Whaboom, so you know this is real. Rachel meets her bro gang in a field, or something. They play football. Rachel throws the football. People catch it. Sports quota filled. While Whaboom dances with Rachel, Blake the aspiring drummer cooks burgers and tells the camera that he’s going to bring down Whaboom. Whaboom gonna go kaboom. He’s going to drop the boom.

Next, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis stop by to help Rachel find love. I hope they scream Whaboom a bunch. This is pretty exciting because Ashton and Mila must be promoting a movie or something, so I’ll get to hear about it.

Ashton and Mila have set up a fun obstacle course challenge where the men have to treat dolls like real babies and change them and stuff. This is just like real life. In real life, you go to a field and change your fake baby with Mila Kunis and Ashton Kucher while some guy yells Whaboom.

Back at the mansion, Lee and Will talk. Lee acts like a jerk. It’s jerky.

We’re back on the date. Keep up! Then men do the obstacle course. There’s fake baby poop on the fake babies. ABC blurs out the fake baby poop because it’s obscene, or something. They’ll show the rest of the crap for 2 hours, but they’ll blur out fake poop.

Ready to Clean Fake Baby Poop!

Next, the guys vacuum while holding the fake babies. Game one of the Stanley Cup Finals is happening on a different channel. Whaboom does all the things faster than the other boyfriends so he wins the obstacle course. He spikes the fake baby and yells Whaboom because of course. I joke around a lot, but this whole thing will really help Rachel find her future husband.

The other guys are bummed out that Whaboom won. Blake the aspiring drummer reiterates his intentions to sabotage Whaboom. Stay tuned, because things are about to get real. That’s how I like to keep things.

Rachel brings her boyfriends to a bar. She pulls Whaboom aside for some alone time. She pretends like he’s an actual candidate and not someone the producers have forced on her to annoy America.

While Whaboom is in the other Wharoom, Blake tells the group that he has known Whaboom for 3 years and that Whaboom is a Whaloon. The other boyfriends are skeptical.

Rachel talks to some of her other boyfriends. There’s a bunch of talking. One of the guys tells Rachel the correct procedure to wiping a baby. I hate this show.

Back at the mansion, it’s announced that Peter is getting the first 1-on-1 date. He’s excited. The other boyfriends cheer for Peter because they’re happy about his opportunity to take their girlfriend out. You guys were excited for Peter too, admit it.

Blake the aspiring drummer takes Rachel aside and warns her that Whaboom is here for the wrong reasons. Blake the aspiring drummer says that he used to live with Whaboom’s ex-girlfriend and that Whaboom is only here to promote Whaboom. I don’t follow the conversation well.

Blake the aspiring drummer goes into the other room and tells Whaboom what he just told Rachel. Whaboom defends himself. It’s his Wha-counter-boom. Whaboom says that Blake the aspiring drummer shouldn’t judge him because he has something special with Rachel. He tells Blake the aspiring drummer to mind his own business. He then tells Blake the aspiring drummer that he’s dismissed. Whaboom dismissed Blake the aspiring drummer. The world is upside down.

Back on the date, Dean does well with the talking to Rachel. It’s super talkified. So much good talking, you guys. He talks the good talk. Rachel likes it good. So good, the talking. I was like wow. I yelled out, “Talk it, Dean.” And my wife and I hi-fived. Rachel likes Dean.

Dean talked good, but he tells the camera that he should have kissed Rachel. He’s mad he didn’t. Sounds like Dean is (lowers sunglasses) all talk.

Blake the aspiring drummer and Whaboom continue to bicker. It’s annoying to Kenny. Kenny doesn’t like watching white dudes argue. I can’t blame him. We’re the absolute worst.

Kenny shakes it off and talks to Rachel. He tells her about his daughter. While he’s talking, ABC plays soft ‘Kenny has a daughter’ music. It’s super emotional. Rachel likes that Kenny has a daughter. Good job, Kenny. Way to have a daughter.

There’s a rose on the group date. Even though Kenny has a daughter, Rachel gives to rose to Dean. So, if you’re keeping score at home, it’s okay to not have a daughter if you talk good. Dean takes Rachel outside and hugs her. This jerk never learns. Oh, wait. He kisses her. It’s incredibly awkward, and loud. They slurp face for a minute. I bet it’s fun to do that with a camera guy right next to you. I hope the camera guy just finished lunch so he was chewing the entire time they kissed. That would make it extra romantic.

It’s the next day. Keep up! It’s Peter’s 1-on-1 date with Rachel. The drive to A PRIVE JET! SCREAM! Rachel announces that the date will not be a 1-on-1. It’s a 2-on-1. Rachel brings along her 3-legged dog. I guess it is her dog. The dog’s name is Copper. Copper has 3 legs. I should stop being a jerk. The dog has 4 legs, but one of them doesn’t work. I’m assuming that ABC purposely injured the dog to add content to their useless show. They’ve done a lot worse.

Rachel, Peter and Copper land in Palm Springs and go to Bark Fest. It’s a pool party for dogs. Hopefully the pool has a good filter. There will be dogs eating cupcakes. Dogs running around. Dogs sniffing other dogs. There’s so much going on. I don’t think it’s fair that these dogs are subjected this trash. Where is PETA? PETA! PETA almost never reads my recaps.

There’s also a date. I had almost forgotten with all of the Bark Fest Fun going on. Peter lies on an inflatable couch with Rachel and they talk about how much fun they’re having. I mean, you could tell that they were having fun, but it helps for them to confirm it with words. Peter dances with Copper and Rachel tells the camera that, right now, Peter is blowing her mind. This girl is easy to impress. Pay attention, kids. If you want to date Rachel, use good words, have a daughter, and dance with a 3-legged dog. She’s be all super melty over you.

Back at the mansion, the next group date is announced. The guys are all excited. DeMario says, “You can either swim with the fishes or swim to shore, so it’s time to see who’s Ford tough.” That was my yearbook quote.

We’re back on Peter’s 2-on-1 date. Keep up! Rachel and Peter drink alcohol while ignoring her dog. They talk. There is good talking. It’s not as good as Dean’s talking, but it’s pretty good. Rachel and Peter talk about how they both have gapped teeth. They’re both proud of their gapped teeth. I’m nod like crazy ‘cause hell yeah.

Peter talks about his past relationship. It didn’t end well, so he went to a therapist. Rachel is all “shut up” because she also had a bad relationship and then went to a therapist. I scream out “shut up!” My neighbors bang on their wall to get me to quiet down but they don’t even know how crazy this all is, so they can go to hell.

Rachel gives Peter a rose because of all his gaps and therapy. Next, Peter and Rachel smoosh their gap teeth together and slurp faces. It’s extra slurpy with all the gappedness and therapy. The gaps and mental coaching helps to produce extra air for the slurps. I can’t believe you read down this far.

After their gap kiss, Rachel brings Peter outside to watch FIREWORKS! Fireworks were super exciting in 1683, and ABC is like, “Why mess with a good thing?” Rachel and Peter kiss during the fireworks. I yell out, “Now that’s the real fireworks!” and I pump my fist because that was a pretty good one. This whole time, my wife is on her phone texting who I can only imagine is a real man who hasn’t recapped the Bachelor for 15 years. I hope she finds happiness.

There’s another group date. ABC brings in Kareem Abdul-Jabbar because, why not? Kareem will help Rachel decide who she’s going to spend the rest of her life with by hosting a basketball game. The boyfriends are all super excited. It’s always good to have a date with a guy who is more excited to see a guy than you.

Kareem runs the guys through some drills. It’s really dumb. Kareem tells the camera that watching a guy play basketball helps you see what kind of person they are. For me, that would be very sweaty. There’s a bunch more basketball. It happens. We watch it. It’s endless. There’s still an hour left in the show. I’ve seen less basketball at the NBA Finals.

Next, Rachel sits down with Kareem for a heart-to-heart. Kareem keeps comparing love to basketball. All he really talks about is basketball. It’s like he’s some kind of robot who can’t relate to people unless he’s talking about basketball.

Just when I thought there couldn’t possibly be any more basketball, there’s an all-out basketball game. ABC kidnaps a bunch of people and fills the gym. The guys get changed into basketball uniforms. This is really helping them get to know Rachel. She’s really getting a sense of what her boyfriends are like while they sit in another room to get dressed to play a stupid, pointless basketball game.

Next, there’s more basketball. Chris Harrison is the court announcer, so everything is terrible. The poor kidnapped people cheer for guys while they miss shots. There’s even a band. Rachel cheerleads. I thought she was a lawyer?

So far tonight, there has been a total of six minutes of Rachel talking to men she might marry and 13 solid minutes of basketball. This is all so bad. The team wearing white jerseys wins the game. I think they’re now eligible for the NCAA tournament.

Next, things get stupider. Rachel gets pulled aside by a woman in the crowd. The woman tells Rachel that DeMario is her boyfriend. She says that DeMario left her to be on the show without ever officially breaking up with her. Rachel is super surprised. We’re all surprised. It’s shocking. ABC didn’t even know. They didn’t know, even though they mic’d up this random woman and made Rachel accessible to her so she could tell this super surprising story. It’s not at all a fake story. This show is terrible.

How did this woman know where to find Rachel and DeMario? It’s not like this stupid basketball game was listed in the paper and you could pick up tickets on Stubhub. Unless? No! ABC wouldn’t have set this all up! They wouldn’t have cast a man who was dating a woman on their game show, would they? I thought they wanted Rachel to find love. More like AB-deCEIT!

Rachel goes to get DeMario so the surprise woman can confront him. She confronts him. It’s confronty. DeMario acts like he’s never met this woman. That’s a smart play. I bet he learned that move from Shaggy.

The woman swears at DeMario and tells him he’s a liar. DeMario tells Rachel that he met this woman a long time ago and that the woman is crazy. He says that they had a relationship but he called it off. The woman swears on her father’s grave that this isn’t true. Whoa! She went straight to father’s grave swearing! That’s bold!

Rachel is mad. She doesn’t know who to believe. The woman offers to show Rachel phone messages that prove her story. All of the sudden, this is People’s Court! Rachel’s a lawyer, so she should be good at this. Plus, they’re on a basketball COURT!

Rachel reads the texts and it shows that DeMario didn’t really end the relationship. Rachel tells DeMario to “get the bleep out.” She doesn’t say “bleep.” She says the f-word. She walks away and keeps saying the f-word. ABC keeps bleeping it out. I wish, instead of bleeping, they just had an intern yell “Whaboom!”

DeMario gets in the dump limo. He tells the camera that he’s innocent. Rachel storms back into the gym. Chris Harrison is waiting to give her a 1-on-1 talk and Rachel ignores him and rushes right past him. All of the sudden, I like Rachel.

Rachel goes to the lockeroom and tells the other boyfriends what happened with DeMario. They guys are all like, “What?” And Rachel is all “Yeah!” And we’re all like “Whoa!”

Rachel says that she’s “keeping it 100.” I don’t know what that means. She then says she’s keeping it real, and I know what that means, because I also keep it real. You guys keep it real too, admit it.

The other boyfriends talk about what happened. There’s talking. No one can believe what happened. I am among no one. I cannot believe what just happened. I’m beginning to understand what Whaboom means.

The group date continues, despite what Rachel calls “The DeMario Situation.” There’s always a situation with these people. If something happens, they’re going to put someone’s name to it and add the word ‘situation’.

The other guys cheer up Rachel. It’s super cheery. She’s cheered af. One of the guys reads Rachel a poem. I don’t know if he wrote it. There’s no credit given. Josiah makes out with Rachel. There’s a bunch of slurping. A Russian guy sings a song in Russian. It’s Russianey.

Some guy named Eric tried to give Rachel a hug and she turned it into a makeout session. In my experience, women aren’t usually this nice to awkward men. Rachel is special. With Eric’s tongue fresh on her breath, Rachel gives the group date rose to Josiah. I bet that makes Eric feel great about his kissing skills. It feels like this date has lasted 30 years.

It’s the next day. Keep up. Or don’t. I don’t care anymore. It’s raining. Iggy says that the rain is fitting because of the whole DeMario Situation. Iggy’s a poet.

Rachel starts the cocktail party with a speech about how her boyfriends better be here for the right reasons. The groups raises a toast to right reasonedness. Rachel is back on track to finding her husband. There’s not a lot of fake baby poop around, but I think she’s just crazy enough to pull this off.

One of the guys who didn’t get a date brings Rachel behind the mansion to rub her. He’s a massage guy, or something. While the massaging is going on, Bachelorette security is alerted that someone has arrived to see Rachel. It’s DeMario. DeMario tells a guard that he wants in to explain himself. The security guy runs to check with Chris Harrison.

There’s a conversation between DeMario and Chris Harrison. Harrison is probably just happy someone finally wants to talk to him. He runs off to ask Rachel if she’ll talk to DeMario. ABC plays the kind of music you’d hear if someone was about to be murdered.

Rachel cannot believe DeMario is here. This is the second time she’s been super shocked this episode. How can her heart handle all this? She’s like a god, or something.

Rachel goes out to talk to DeMario. The music gets more murdery. The guys get alarmed and agree to run out to fight DeMario. Just as murder is about to happen, ABC slaps a ‘To Be Continued’ on the screen. Whaboom!