I got home from work today and for 4 wonderful hours I forgot that ‘The Bachelorette’ was on tonight. It was a blissful existence. My wife and I talked about our day and contemplated going to a park or something. Then, I remembered my death sentence. It was like waking up and remembering that all my limbs had been blown off in a freak natural gas explosion. Parts of my soul that existed before ‘The Bachelorette’ still itch. It’s my only connection with innocence. It’s gone now. Only the itch remains.
So, Rachel still has to dump a bunch of guys from last week. Demario got dumped for having a girlfriend, but he came back at the end of the night to add drama. That’s where we pick things up. Also, in case this is your first recap, this show is terrible.
Rachel’s 22 boyfriends run outside to watch Demario confront Rachel about his dumping. Demario apologizes for not keeping it real. Demario knows that Rachel likes to keep it real and realizes he kept it unreal. It was super unreally. He asks for a second chance to keep it more real than he had kept it in the past.
Rachel tells Demario that she needs a man who will admit mistakes immediately. Demario didn’t do that. The way he kept it wasn’t real. Rachel tells him that he needs to move forward, but not forward toward the mansion. He needs to move forward in the other direction. So, backward. Rachel kicks Demario to the curb.
The other boyfriends congratulate Rachel for her real keepingness. Her boyfriends all cheer when they find out Demario is gone. They like Rachel. She’s really lucky to have 22 boyfriends who like her.
The cocktail party continues. Whaboom is still on the show and Rachel will not dump Whaboom because he’s been planted by producers to make me angry. It’s working. I also forgot that there’s this guy named Jonathon whose occupation is ‘Tickle Monster’. Rachel likes Tickle Monster because he brought a pair of giant novelty hands to the mansion and acts goofy. It’s super goofy. I can’t even explain it to you guys because it was just so goofy. Just trust me when I say it was goofy.
Whaboom gets alone time with Rachel while Blake the aspiring drummer stews. Blake the aspiring drummer hates Whaboom. Keep up! Last week Blake the aspiring drummer told Rachel that Whaboom is here for the wrong reasons. I can’t imagine how someone named Whaboom could be anywhere for the wrong reasons. Whaboom tells Rachel that Blake the aspiring drummer hates Whaboom because Blake the aspiring drummer is secretly attracted to Whaboom. Whaboom says that Blake the aspiring drummer ate a banana while watching him sleep.
Rachel asks Blake the aspiring drummer if he’s attracted to Whaboom. Blake the aspiring drummer denies his Whaboom attraction. Blake the aspiring drummer says he doesn’t even eat bananas because they have carbs. Seriously, don’t read this. Go do literally anything else. This show is such complete garbage. I can’t even make it interesting. I hate my life.
The rose ceremony is next. Before Rachel dumps a bunch of her boyfriends, she apologizes for the Demario situation. I love that they call everything a situation. I’m going to start doing that at work. If Tim spills coffee, that’s going to be the Tim situation.
Rachel dumps Blake the aspiring drummer. I’m so glad because I was so sick of typing out “the aspiring drummer.” I’m sure you guys were sick of reading it. She also dumps Whaboom. I’d tell you that I’m happy about it, but I really don’t care. My dad could get dumped on this show and it wouldn’t register a blip on my emotional EKG.
Whaboom doesn’t even say goodbye to Rachel. Blake leaves angry, which is no way to leave. Blake blames Whaboom for his exit. Because they’re terrible, ABC encourages Blake the aspiring drummer to go confront Whaboom. Outside the mansion, Blake the aspiring drummer walks over to Whaboom and calls him bad words that ABC has to bleep out. It’s a terrible piece of acting. They yell back and forth. I don’t understand much of it. No one fights because that would have actually been something. I hate this show.
It’s the next day. Keep up! Chris Harrison stops by the mansion to be worthless. He tells the guys that there will be two group dates and a 1-on-1 date. Then, he leaves. A bunch of guys find out that they’ll be having a group date on the set of the Ellen show. Rachel tells that camera that there’s no better way to figure out her future than on the Ellen show. It’s a profound statement.
Ellen and Rachel talk. I like Ellen. I’m mad that she’s a part of this. Ellen let me down. She isn’t keeping it real.
Next, we watch Ellen. The guys are a part of the live show. It’s not live now. It’s taped. It was taped live a while ago. Keep up!
Rachel’s boyfriends go out on stage. She’s really getting to know them. Ellen has the guys take their shirts off to dance with studio audience members. I get emotional because this is how my parents fell in love. My favorite part of the segment is the shot of this poor sap sitting in the audience drinking water while the woman he came to the show with stuffs money in a random reality TV contestant’s pants. I’m thinking this guy was doing a lot of contemplating during this moment.
The Ellen show thing keeps happening. There are questions and stuff about peeing in pools and having sex. It’s super educational. This show should be a part of school curriculum. Our children are our future.
Fred learns that some other guys have kissed Rachel and vows that he’s going to try to do something like that. Fred seems awkward. This should end well.
Rachel takes her boyfriends to an empty apartment with 3 million lit candles. These places exist. Alex talks to Rachel about what eye your supposed to look at people with. I take notes. Rachel and Alex make out. Their eyes are closed, so I’m not sure if they were doing it properly.
Rachel slurps faces with three different guys after slurping with Alex. It’s s slurpfest. ABC might need to call in the National Guard to stack sandbags with all of the slurping going on. Fred finds out that the other guys are slurping and he hasn’t. Fred’s worried because he wants to slurp. When Rachel pulls him in the other room, he says that he’ll only slurp if it feels right. I bet it’ll feel right when there’s a couple of camera guys 5 feet away.
Fred tells Rachel that he wants to kiss her and wants to do it when the time is right. He then asks if the time is right. It’s more awkward than anything I’ve ever done, and I’ve danced at a wedding alone.
Rachel tells Fred not to ask to kiss her, so he just kisses her. He talks about it while doing it, just to make sure it’s as awkward as possible. I cringe a lot, which is better than the extreme boredom I usually feel, so I guess this is an upgrade.
A couple moments later, Rachel grabs the date rose and pulls Fred into the other room. Fred thinks he’s getting a rose. He’s not. Rachel dumps him and tells the camera that she thinks Fred is still like a little boy. I’m sure he’ll love watching this back on TV later. Rachel says that she wants to keep it real with Fred. This woman is forever keeping it the super realest. There is just no non-real keeping with her. She should quit being a lawyer and become the CEO of Real.
Rachel takes Fred outside to the dump limo. He doesn’t ask the driver if he’s allowed to enter before climbing into the car. Fred tells the camera that he was falling in love with Rachel. Well, it’s been two weeks. Fred did go to the same school as Rachel, so I guess it’s potentially real, which is good because that’s how I keep it.
Alex gets the group date rose. He kisses Rachel without asking. It’s real.
It’s the next day. Eric does pushups outside. He tells the camera that he doesn’t think Rachel is into him. He’s talking to Brian about how he wants Rachel to open up about her feelings. I know, when I have an issue with my girlfriend, I always confide with one of the other guys she’s dating.
Anthony gets the 1-on-1 date. He meets Rachel on Rodeo Dr. She is riding a horse and has a horse for Anthony. So, they’ll ride horses down the street. This is super whacky, and real. They ride their horses into a boot store. Rachel tells the boot store people that she knows about boots because she’s from Texas. I Google it and it checks out.
Rachel and Anthony buy cowboy stuff. Then, they buy cupcakes. Game Four of the Stanley Cups Finals is on a different channel. As they eat cupcakes and ride their horses, Rachel tells the camera that she’s really building a connection with Anthony. You can see their connection. It’s real.
They buy a lot of stuff and I am curious as to whether Anthony pays for the stuff or if Bachelorette interns have to pick up the check. These are the only really interesting parts of the show and ABC won’t reveal them to us. ABC doesn’t keep it real. Anthony’s horse craps on the floor of a store. I’m pretty sure the interns have to pick that up.
The date continues. Rachel and Anthony go to some outside tables, or something. They talk and there’s talking. It happens. We watch it. It never ends. My wife likes Anthony because he’s nice. My wife always falls for that crap.
Rachel gives Anthony a rose. She says that, because he handled a horse so well, he’d make a good partner in life. You can’t make this crap up. But, if you did, a Bachelorette intern would have to pick it up. The 1-on-1 date ends with a live, personal concert for Anthony and Rachel. It’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen.
When Anthony returns to the mansion, the other boyfriends all cheer really loud for him. They’re happy for Anthony because he’s progressing in his relationship with their girlfriend. See, when you’re dating a woman on TV, you need to be supportive of her other boyfriends. That’s how you keep it real.
After the fun, Eric and Iggy start to fight. Iggy is sick of Eric complaining and says that Eric is not a real keeper. Eric yells back at Iggy. Iggy is the size of a building, so it’s a dumb move.
The next day, it’s time for another group date. Rachel brings a bunch of former Bachelor flunkies, including the annoying blonde Corrine. I’m so happy.
On the bus ride to wherever they’re going, Rachel’s boyfriends talk to her attractive friends. That seems like a good idea. The bus arrives at a mud wrestling place. I’m in hell.
Next, there’s a bunch of mud wrestling. Sports quota filled. Kenny is a professional wrestler, so the other guys don’t want to wrestle him. They’re keeping their cowardice real. None of the guys wear shirts. I don’t think this mud wrestling bar is visited by the health inspector much. No one is wearing hair nets.
The wrestling is awkward and stupid. Rachel gets to know which of her boyfriends will be good at mud wrestling. In the Championship, Bryce beats Kenny. I lose $70 gambling on the outcome online. It was fixed.
Back at the mansion, Eric talks to Rachel. He tells her that he has emotions and he wants to keep things real. If you did a shot every time someone kept things real on this show, you’d be really dead. Rachel tells Eric that she wants to know him, but she’s worried because some of her other boyfriends don’t think Eric is here for the right reasons. Eric tells Rachel that he’ll continue to real keep.
Eric asks the other guys who talked about him behind his back. Lee tells Eric that he loves him, but he’s worried about Eric because Eric yelled. They argue, but it’s civil. Afterward, they shake hands. What the hell is that? What good is a show if there are no ambulances? This show is terrible.
Rachel gives Eric the group date rose. Lee tells the camera that he doesn’t like Eric and he thinks less of Rachel because she didn’t listen to her friends’ advice. Lee then tells Eric that he’s happy for him for getting the rose. The way Lee keeps things is not real. In fact, I’d say he keeps things unreal.
The cocktail party is next. Iggy also does not like Eric. He tells Rachel that Eric said bad things behind her back. Iggy feels as though he kept things real. Right after telling Rachel these things, he tells Eric about the realedness he just kept.
Eric doesn’t appreciate Iggy’s real keeping. I don’t even know what I’m typing anymore. I think I’ve had a stroke. I smell toast.
There’s more talking. Lee also throws Eric under the bus. Eric is fully exposed as a guy who is not here for the right reasons. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s someone whose reasons aren’t real. You guys hate that too, admit it.
Predictably, Rachel talks to Eric. She asks Eric why he questioned the level of realness she was keeping things. I know I’m a jerk, but I’m seriously only a messenger. They really do mention “keeping things real” this many times. It’s all anyone talks about. I almost feel like someone is playing a prank on me. Rachel tells Eric that she’s going to keep him around, but she’s keeping an eye on him.
Eric yells at the other boyfriends. He’s loud. Lee makes him angrier with words. Lee tells Eric that this isn’t about him. Eric says, “It is about me because my name is in your mouth. IT IS ABOUT ME BECAUSE MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH.” I’m sorry about the all caps, you guys, but he yelled that really loud. I’m just trying to keep it real.
The show ends. Next week, someone probably dies because things get out of control.