The climate doesn’t try to murder you at every turn.


Trust me, you HateThis.

5. Us Complaining About The Weather

We are excellent at complaining. I mean, just read the junk that I write over here. Maybe we should take a powder from the weather complaints for a few reasons. First, none of our weather can kill us. We actually avoid the natural disasters quite well. No earthquakes, fires, tornadoes, major floods or tsunamis, or hurricanes to speak of. Other towns are routinely erased and rebuilt. We get to complain about grain elevators because Mother Nature has never seen fit to remove them by herself.

Also, for the past few years, the weather has actually been really good to us. Like, sunny and stuff. Weird.

Hey America, move here! The climate doesn’t try to murder you at every turn!

4. Needing A Horse Race As An Excuse To Drink Or Gamble

Tighten up your game, chump– horse betting is for old fat mobsters and Walter Matthau – and both are pretty much dead. You want to gamble? Put some cash down in a dead pool or at the dog track. You know, something with a little more class than horse racing.

Also, you can drink a mint julep at any time, wise guy. Drinking one at Derby time makes you look like a punk. At least that fat horse lost the Preakness so we don’t have to pretend like we care about this dumb sport.

(Editor’s note: Dumb thing #4, if our editors actually edited, would read “Needing A Triple Crown Race As An Excuse To Bet On Horses.” The real issue is that you should learn HOW to bet on horses before you do it. And, seriously, horse racing season is a LOT longer than the 6 minutes you see on television. OTB is open right now… and I’m tempted.)

3. Fisher Price Is For Quitters

What the hell! This is (was?) like the last cool employer we have left and they are busting out the trimmer! Not cool, Fisher Price! What can those people do in California that they can’t do here! Moving them so you can yell at them easier? Weak.

2. Clarence Is For Quitters

Oh, look what they they to the poor stock photo "summer portrait of a lovely grandma."

What happened to that poor stock photo called “summer portrait of a lovely grandma”?

Hey, jerkoff in the BMW. If you voted against the Clarence school budget, it is because you are a jerkoff. You can’t shell out the extra cash that is DEDUCTIBLE FROM YOUR FEDERAL INCOME TAXES so that kids can still have music classes? Get hit by a meteor. I see you step one foot into the Tony Walker Center to buy a pair of chinos and it is curtains for you, pal. CURTAINS.

Brooks Brothers wearin’ sucker.

1. Paying $325 An Hour To Not Answer Questions About Recycling

You don’t recycle because you are bad at being a human being, and you have to hire a PR firm with a no bid contract that pays $325 NOT TO ANSWER ABOUT IT? Like? Wha… How did… Who… I don’t even…

Whatever. Pay me half of that an hour and I’ll fail at coming up with a solution to your problem too.

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