I hate you, ABC. I hate you so much. You’re disgusting. You’re like a cross between those Quit Smoking commercials and a seagull. ABC has given us two straight nights of ‘The Bachelor’ this week. That’s like two straight nights of taking a dump on someone’s front lawn. They’re calling it “an event.” Mardi Gras is an event. This is a complete waste of time.
Chris ‘The Farmer’ Soules is still looking for love. He can’t find it. They’ve given him 28 girlfriends and its taking him forever to find love. He’s like me looking for gluten-free quick-cooking rolled oats in the grocery store. Maybe Chris the Farmer should ask a store clerk where love is.
Before his journey for love continues, Chris the Farmer sits down with Chris the Harrison to tell all. Telling all means you talk about a bunch of stuff that we’ve already seen. You can’t find love until you sit down and talk with Chris Harrison for an hour. I know, my marriage is falling apart because I didn’t sit down with Chris Harrison before we walked down the aisle. My wife has always resented me for it.
On to the recap. Chris Harrison welcomes us and tells us what we’re about to see instead of just letting us see it. The things we will see are all of the things we’ve already seen. We’re previewing what we’ll re-see. I hate this show. Also, we’ll get interviews with Kelsey, this season’s villain and Andi Dorfman, the last Bachelorette. You probably just closed out this tab on your internet browser.
Chris Harrison sits down with Kelsey. He tells her that she’s controversial. Kelsey asks, “Am I really that controversial?” She pronounces every letter in “controversial”. It’s controversial.
They replay the footage of stuff we’ve seen and talk about the footage. We re-watch Kelsey freak out because a cocktail party got cancelled. She says that she was flooded and had a panic attack. We’ve all been flooded and had a panic attack, so I can relate. We watch Kelsey’s reaction to her panic attack and her 2-on-1 date with Ashley I.
Look, why not just read my other recaps? I’ve already recapped this crap. I shouldn’t have to recap this garbage twice. It wasn’t even worth doing it once. Kelsey isn’t telling all. She’s telling none. None is the opposite of all.
Next, Chris the Farmer tells all. We hear it. We hear all. Chris the Farmer is totally telling all, you guys. For the record, “all” is talking about stuff that happened that we watched before. Chris Harrison and Chris the Farmer laugh together about that time he dumped two girls in the desert. It was LOLy.
Our friends talk about my favorite contestant ever, Ashley S. We get to see her make noises like an owl and shoot zombies. I love Ashley S. so much. I wish she was my Valentine. We get bonus footage of Ashley S. walking around the mansion talking about how much this show sucks. She’s the best.
Chris Harrison has a good laugh about how crazy Ashley S. is and how he should have told Chris the Farmer that she was odd. It shows how truly committed ABC is to helping Chris the Farmer find love. No wonder he can’t find love. He’s being sabotaged.
Next, there’s more footage of stuff. You’ve already seen it and read about it. Unlike ABC, I’m not going to make you re-live it. It happens again. They even show us the stuff that’s going to happen after the commercial break, even though it has already happened before. They tease repeats. It was hard enough to watch Chris the Farmer talk before. It’s much more painful the fifth time.
Chris Harrison tells Chris the Farmer that he’s one of, if not THE MOST, sincere Bachelors they’ve ever had. That’s some elite company! He’s more sincere than 1. The racist, narcissist from last season 2. The pilot who belittled and yelled at his girlfriends. 3. The guy who picked a girl and asked her to marry him, only to dump that girl a couple of weeks later for the other girl he had previously dumped on TV. 4. All of the other really sincere Bachelors.
Next up, Chris Harrison talks to Andi Dorfman. Keep up! Andi was dumped by Josh. I know this is tough for you guys to talk about, but we have to do it. If we don’t talk about Andi’s breakup with Josh, it’ll just fester. It’s good to get this out into the open.
Talking to Andi about her breakup with Josh involves a lot of crying. I’m super comfortable watching her cry and talk about her breakup with Josh. This is completely necessary. Andi was super in love with Josh, but it didn’t last. It’s almost like they were thrown together under the wrong circumstances, like one of them dated a couple dozen men at once while several people filmed their every move. It’s a shocker.
This interview is really just ten minutes of Andi crying. She’s not telling all. She’s crying all. Andi still loves Josh, but they broke up. She says that she’s a failure while sniffing and crying. Chris Harrison consoles her and tells her she’s not a failure, but DOES NOT OFFER HER A TISSUE! There are 20 people in that room, buckets of snot coming out of Andi’s face, and no one offers her a tissue. These Bachelor folks can light 40 candles for every little thing that happens on the show, but tissues are out of the question. So, anyway, Andi broke up with Josh. Keep up!
Next up, stuff we haven’t seen yet. Things pick up where they left off in Deadwood, South Dakota, Georgia. They forgot to do the rose ceremony. Chris the Farmer still has to dump someone. That’s the problem with having 28 girlfriends; you have to constantly dump them. Before they even get to the ceremony, Chris the Farmer dumps Megan. He moves quickly. They just talked for five seconds and, boom! He dumped her.
Chris the Farmer says that dumping Megan broke his heart, and having your heart broken is terrible. I guess he could have not dumped her. That’s a lot easier on your heart.
Cameras capture Chris the Farmer putting Megan in a limo and then sitting on the curb to lament the dumping. It’s gripping footage of heartbreak. Cameras focus on him sitting there for an entire minute. That’s a ton of heartbreak. Whenever I dump a woman, I need at least five minutes to sit on a curb to lament it.
Chris Harrison comes in to announce that there’s still going to be a rose ceremony where one more girlfriend will be dumped. I can’t even handle all of this heartbreak. You guys can’t handle it either, admit it.
The girls are really nervous about the rose ceremony. They console each other over their fear for being dumped by their boyfriend. This show is so weird.
Chris the Farmer doesn’t want to dump any more girlfriends tonight. Chris the Farmer wants six girlfriends, not five. Who is ABC to tell him that he can’t have six girlfriends?
Chris the Farmer asks Chris Harrison if he can not dump another girlfriend. Chris Harrison says “essokay.” THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES! It’s a huge relief. You guys are relieved too, admit it.
Chris the Farmer tells his six girlfriends that he doesn’t have to dump anyone else tonight. They all cheer and hug the girls they’re competing with. It’s a touching moment to see a man’s six girlfriends get along so well.
Chris the Farmer brings his six girlfriends to Arlington, Iowa so they can see the future they won’t have if they marry him. When Chris the Farmer tells his girlfriends that they’re going to Iowa, they all cheer. They love Iowa.
Iowa has trees and pigeons. We watch some of the pigeons fly off of a building. At their Iowa hotel, the girls learn that Jade is going on a 1-on-1 date with Chris the Farmer in his hometown. Chris the Farmer’s other girlfriends are all happy for his girlfriend.
Chris the Farmer talks to some cows while Jade pulls up. I can’t wait until next week when we re-watch Chris the Farmer talk to cows and then watch Chris Harrison ask Chris the Farmer what he thought of his conversation with the cows. It is at this point that I realize that there are still almost two hours left in this episode. I hate this show.
Jade gets to see Chris the Farmer’s kitchen and one of his farms. While he gives Jade a tour, she contemplates living in Iowa. Cows moo. We watch the cows moo. It happens. Jade and Chris the Farmer look around at stuff. Everything in Arlington is closed. It’s sad.
After a commercial, ABC shows us the moon and some corn. Chris the Farmer and Jade go to a high school football game. Jade gets to meet people. She even meets his mom and dad! Scream! It’s super exciting. Jade is doing good on the game show because she meets the game show prize’s parents. It’s a huge moment for any woman. Jade tells the camera that Chris the Farmer’s other girlfriends will be jealous. That’s what you really want to bring away from meeting your boyfriend’s parents; how jealous it will make his other girlfriends.
They walk around his school and make out in the hallway. We watch it. Claire’s dad watches it. It happens. They’re just completely ignoring the high school football game. His team loses. Chris the Farmer says, “Even though Starmont lost, I feel like a winner tonight.” That was my yearbook quote.
Whitney gets the next one-on-one. She doesn’t get to see Arlington. Her date is in Des Moines, IA. That’s nowhere near Arlington. She might as well be on the moon. What a crock!
They go to an art gallery for some reason. I guess those are big in Des Moines. Chris the Farmer and Whitney get cameras to take pictures of their love around Des Moines. There’s a bunch of giggling and goofiness. The pictures are so goofy, you guys. They throw around leaves and kiss. They make out in front of a building. I hope the only reason you’re reading this recap is to avoid making eye contact with someone you hate. I can’t imagine why else you would read this.
Back at the hotel, Jade tells the other girlfriends about her date. Britt cries a lot because she can’t handle hearing about Chris the Farmer making out with his other girlfriends. The other girlfriends decide to go on an Arlington road trip. They drive around and scream “Arlington” out the window. It’s a good thing everything in Arlington is closed, because these girls are annoying.
Back on the picture date (keep up!) Chris the Farmer and Whitney look at their pictures. We look at them too. Did you guys see them? I saw the pictures. I wish a car would drive through the front of my house to give me something to do.
The other girlfriends drive around Arlington to find that it’s super boring. They’re bored. Try watching this show, girls! Everything is closed. They can’t even get into the church. Carly is excited because she looks through the window of the church and sees a picture of Jesus. She says that the picture of Jesus is a sign. I’ll bet she’s right. If I know anything about Jesus, it’s that he has a special place in his heart for women who date a man on television while he’s also dating a bunch of other women.
The girls talk to the pastor of the church. He’s wearing a Call of Duty t-shirt. He tells them that Arlington is boring. It’s probably not boring if you play Call of Duty. Britt didn’t have fun with the Call of Duty pastor. She doesn’t like Arlington. She can’t see herself in Arlington, but lies about it in front of the other girlfriends. They get mad at her. You guys got mad at her too, admit it.
Carly draws a face on her hand and acts like it’s Britt talking. She makes a Britt puppet out of her hand. It’s the most entertaining thing to ever happen on this show.
Back on Whitney’s date (keep u… you know what, don’t keep up. Go away. This show is terrible. Why would you want to keep up?) Chris the Farmer and Whitney have fun with his friends, they make out and Whitney talks about how she doesn’t have any parents. She tells the story of her mom dying. We watch it. It’s hard to hear it because ABC couldn’t find a place more than 20-feet away from a noisy restaurant for Whitney to tell the story about her mom dying.
Chris the Farmer loves Whitney’s story about her mom dying. He takes her away to see a giant painting of one of the pictures they took on their picture date. She says “no way” eight times. You guys said “no way” eight times too, admit it.
Back at the hotel, Jade tells Carly that she did nude modeling for Playboy. It’s super dramatic. I can’t believe it. They still make Playboy? Jade is worried that Chris the Farmer won’t want to marry a Playboy model. There are worse things to worry about.
The group date is next. It’s groupey. Chris the Farmer takes Britt, Carly and Kaitlyn ice skating. It happens. We watch it. Chris the Farmer doesn’t skate. No one really skates. This was a good idea, ABC. They all play hockey. Sports quota filled. Chris the Farmer is super goofy because he keeps falling over. It’s so goofy. He’s such a gentleman. America just loves Chris the Farmer. He keeps falling while ice skating!
Britt pulls Chris the Farmer aside to tell him about her road trip to Arlington. She tells him that she loved Arlington even though she didn’t love Arlington. She’s a liar who lies. Chris the Farmer doesn’t know she’s lying so he makes out with her a ton. It’s slurpy.
Carly ain’t for it. She makes out with Chris the Farmer a little and then tells him that Britt really doesn’t like Arlington and that Britt is a liar. Now, Chris the Farmer knows that Britt is a liar. Now, we all know! Let this be a lesson to you all not to lie.
At the group date cocktail party, Chris the Farmer confronts Britt about her lies. He asks her if she lied about liking Arlington. She says that she really did like Arlington. Then, they make out. Cameras manage to get right up next to the making out. It’s good because I almost didn’t know they were making out until the camera got right up to their mouths. Good work, camera guys! The group date cocktail party happens at a place called ‘West End Coffee and Salvage’. Is that a chain?
Kaitlyn feels bad over everyone else feeling all of the feels. Chris the Farmer feels bad about her feeling bad so he gives her the group date rose and they make out a ton. I hope Kaitlyn likes the taste of Britt.
Britt isn’t happy about Kaitlyn’s group date rosedness. She’s a panda in a room full of brown bears. The music gets all sinister-like. While Chris the Farmer tries to smooth the group date over, Britt says “Just don’t.” She tells the group that she’s confused and hurt. She rambles for four minutes about putting everything out there and wanting her husband to want her. Basically, she’s pouting and blowing her chances of being Mrs. Bachelor.
Chris the Farmer leaves in a huff. It’s huffy.
The three girls sit and philosophize about dating a guy who is dating other women, and how that guy has to pay attention to his other girlfriends. It’s philosophy. Then, the show ends, mercifully. They don’t show a rose ceremony. Those used to end shows. Now, rose ceremonies are carried over to the next show to make sure you spend your entire Monday gripping over Britt’s lies and deception. Join us tomorrow for more of this crap. Please listen to ‘We Bros Accept this Rose’, a podcast about ‘The Bachelor’ featuring myself and Shaun Murphy.