Every great journey must eventually come to an end. Terrible, pointless journeys must also end, which is precisely what will happen tonight. Chris Soules will dump one of his girlfriends and ask his other girlfriend to marry him. His girlfriend (the one he kept) will say “yes.” They’ll date for a couple of weeks. Then, while you’re standing in line to purchase groceries, you’ll see a magazine cover announcing that Chris the Farmer and his girlfriend (the one he kept) have broken up. We’ve seen it a million times. And, for some reason, we keep watching. It’s the worst thing to ever happen. It’s ‘The Bachelor’. And it’s the season finale.
UPDATE: There was a 4-way tie for the Bachelor Fantasy League Winner. All four people have been contacted to choose a tie-breaker question “How many times did Whitney say the word ‘connection’ during the season?” Once I have a tie-breaker winner, I will post the final results. If you didn’t get an email, you did not win the league. Thanks for playing!
Back to the recap.
Becca the Virgin and Whitney the squeaky fertility nurse remain in this game show of love. One will get to date Chris the Farmer in Iowa. The other will probably get a cushy gig as a Hot Tub Store spokesperson in their hometown. It’s the American Dream.
The teaser footage hints at a super dramatic ending, implying that there will be a lot of crazy twists and turns. They always do this and there never is a twist or drama. ABC lies. Chris Harrison says this will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. I’ve never seen my parents have sex, that doesn’t mean it’s something I want to see.
ABC gives us a live studio audience to make sure we know how important everything is. It’s live, so there’s an outside chance a meteor could crash into the studio in the middle of the broadcast and end things. Fingers crossed.
We get footage of Chris the Farmer walking through his Iowa Farm in the middle of winter. I’m not a farmer, but I’m pretty sure corn doesn’t grow through snow. What’s he doing out there? This guy is a terrible farmer.
Chris the Farmer drives a truck to kill some time. It’s a 3-hour finale, so there will be a lot of nothing here. He visits his family and they all cheer when he walks in. They’re just pandering to the cameras. The family talks. Chris the Farmer’s mom isn’t sure he’ll find love. You guys aren’t sure either, admit it.
Over in Dubuque, Iowa, Whitney gets ready to meet the Farmer Family. She’s nervous because meeting the family is crucial when you want to date a guy for three weeks. Whitney reiterates to Chris the Farmer that she loves him. She also says, “Gosh darn it, I’m freaking nervous.” Sorry about the profanity. Whitney is wearing a flannel shirt and no pants.
Chris the Farmer drives her to his home so she can act like she’s a part of his family. It’s presumptuous. While she raises her glass to give a toast at the lunch table, she starts bawling her eyes out. The Farmer family acts like it’s cute, but that kind of uncontrollable emotion has to raise some red flags. Also, they’re all drinking champagne at lunch. What a bunch of raging alcoholics.
Whitney tells the family that she is ready to move to Iowa to raise a family. At no point does anyone in the room consider that Chris the Farmer moving to her town would be an option. They’re all just completely on board and compliant with the idea that Chris the Farmer is the Bachelor, so he gets to choose where everyone lives and whether or not they have babies with him.
With Whitney out of the room, Chris the Farmer talks with his family about his two different girlfriends. He has trouble comparing Whitney to Becca. It kind of sounds like he only sees Whitney as a squeaky friend. She’s in the squeaky friend zone!
Whitney talks to Chris the Farmer’s mom one-on-one. She cries a bunch. She’s racking up crying points. Whitney tells Chris the Farmer’s mom that she wants her to be her mom because her real mom died. It’s super sweet. Moms love replacing dead moms. Chris the Farmer’s mom loves Whitney and tells the camera that she’d be happy to replace Whitney’s dead mom.
After talking about moms, Whitney makes out with Chris the Farmer in the driveway in front of his giant luxury pickup truck. It’s romantic. Chris the Farmer goes back into his house and talks with the men folk about his girlfriends. They all agree that Whitney is right for him because she’ll shut up, quit her job, move to Arlington and have babies for him. I know no woman of mine is onna work and not live in Arlington!
There are still a billion hours left in this finale. Chris the Farmer prepares his family to meet Becca, the virgin. Becca brings a sandwich platter with her to meet Chris the Farmer’s family. Does ABC not cater these gatherings? When you’re meeting the family of a man who insists you move to his town in order to marry him, do you bring pre-made sandwiches? Shouldn’t you cook to show how good of a home maker you’d make? Points deducted, Becca.
Becca talks with Chris the Farmer’s family. There’s a ton of talking. She wore pants. Subtitles are provided for Chris the Farmer’s family. Apparently, they’re not speaking English. They all talk about Iowa. Becca displays personality by joking about how small Arlington is. Everyone laughs. You guys laughed too, admit it.
Becca tells the women folk that she’s ready to fall in love, but she’s scared because she’s not in love yet. She also says that she wouldn’t move to Arlington right away if she wins the game show. How dare she??! You’re supposed to immediately fall in love and move to Arlington, idiot! You can’t just willfully choose where you’re supposed to live.
It’s hilarious how dramatic the music is as Becca talks about her own free will. The sisters are nervous and speculate about how Chris the Farmer will get hurt because Becca hasn’t simply laid on her back with a ticket to Iowa in her hand. They warn Chris the Farmer that he needs to know for sure whether or not Becca is right for him. This is the MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR FINALE EVER! Chris the Farmer is nervous because Becca hasn’t told him she loves him yet. I’m nervous too, I’ll admit it.
Becca talks to the Mom Farmer. She does not cry while doing so. She’s such an idiot. Chris the Farmer’s mom grills her on her non-loving-Chris-ness. Becca talks about how nervous she is. Chris the Farmer’s mom tells Becca that Becca is nervous because she’s in love. These small town folk have all of the answers. While talking about how she’s never been in love before, Becca cries. Finally! I was thinking that she was never going to cry, but she cried. Maybe she will come around and move to Arlington to breed future farmers. America needs more virgin farmers who wear pants. Eventually, you’ll stop reading these recaps.
Chris the Farmer’s family sits around and talks about how difficult it’s going to be for Chris the Farmer to choose a girlfriend. While this is happening, Chris the Farmer stands outside and looks off into the distance. Then, he walks down a road and through an empty field. We watch it. He totally walks in a field. This show is endless. Chris the Farmer’s dad thinks that Chris the Farmer likes Becca. I don’t know what to believe. This is all happening so fast!
When we get back from commercial, Chris Harrison teases that we will see something we’ve never seen in a finale before. I guess that means something will happen that I don’t hate. We’ll have to wait and see. Chris the Farmer has one more date with each of his girlfriends. Just to clarify, in case you’re new to the recap, both girls know that their boyfriend is dating another girl who he is close to marrying, and both girls are fine with it.
Becca gets the first final date. They sit on a bed and make out. Keep up! Chris the Farmer asks Becca to give him everything she has so he can choose who wins the game show. Becca sticks to her guns, admitting that she’s still not in love with him. Chris the Farmer asks her if she can eventually see herself moving to Arlington to be his baby maker. He really does ask her that. This guy will not pick you to win his game show if you’re not ready to move to the middle of nowhere.
I’m pretty proud of Becca. She once again emphasizes that she’s not ready to move to Arlington yet. He is upset because he wants his woman in Arlington immediately. When she tries to explain, he demands to know why she isn’t in love with him yet. She can’t answer. I can. She’s not in love with Chris the Farmer because Chris the Farmer dated a shit ton of women at once while being filmed by eight different cameras. She’s also the only honest contestant this show has ever had, not willing to lie about being in love just to win the game show. I give Becca credit. She’s smart for a virgin.
Chris the Farmer asks Becca what scares her the most about moving to Iowa. My answer would be bees, but I wasn’t asked. Becca says that she’d be scared of moving to Iowa because she’s not sure if she should marry a guy after dating him for a couple of weeks. Chris the Farmer is upset because the girl he wants isn’t ready to breed in Iowa. It’s a super sad moment. I can’t believe how many words I’ve written about this ridiculous show. I’m the real idiot here.
Chris the Farmer cries to the camera because he isn’t sure which girlfriend to pick. The studio audience applauds his tears for some reason.
Whitney gets the final final date. She wears pants. I just realized that Chris the Farmer is only dating two women. He’s hardly dating any women at all. Chris the Farmer tells Whitney that they’re going to harvest corn on their date and she acts excited. He brought his dad along for their corn harvest date. I’ve tried this whole ‘bring your dad to a corn harvest date’ move before and women don’t like it.
Corn harvesting basically involves driving a giant truck around that vacuums up corn and launches it into a dump truck. I could harvest corn. Whitney says that the corn harvesting is sexy. She also gets excited about the prospect of her children harvesting corn. Does that also mean that she thinks children harvesting corn is sexy? Does she want sexy corn-harvesting children? Whitney is gross.
When they’re done being sexy corn harvesters, the happy couple drives to Chris the Farmer’s house. Whitney tells the camera that she could totally see herself living in the home. This girl is way too anxious. She’s gonna be cooking rabbits in pots in no time. She’s stalkery.
Chris the Farmer and Whitney sit in front of a fire and talk about how cool it is that she’s completely willing to move to Arlington to breed. Whitney’s necklace looks like it weighs forty pounds. It’s ceramic, or something. I think its bathroom floor tile. She cries and tells Chris the Farmer that she loves him. They make out. We watch it. It happens. It happens and there’s nothing I can do about it. This is all out of my control. I can’t do this anymore. I hate this show. I’m gonna stop watching and recapping it.
When they’re done sitting in front of the fire and making out, they move over to the couch to talk. Whitney talks about how awesome everything is. She makes sure that Chris the Farmer knows that she’d move to Arlington tomorrow. Chris the Farmer is pleased. He tells her that they could always visit other places. They laugh and talk more. It happens. If Soviets descended from helicopters to invade Iowa and crashed through the window of Chris the Farmer’s home with guns, eventually spreading out across the country and destroying our wonderful democracy, I’d be sad about losing my freedom but happy that this stupid conversation was interrupted.
After some talking and stuff, Whitney cries. I think she’s happy, so they are happy tears. Then, they make out. You never want to make out with a crying woman. It’s salty and snotty. I guess he’s a farmer, so it doesn’t matter. They’re dirty and stuff.
During the commercial break, a beer company tells me that they’re donating drinking water to impoverished women around the globe. They probably could have donated even more water if they didn’t spend millions of dollars to tell me that they were donating water. Sorry, I’m in a bad mood. That wasn’t fair to the beer company. I’m sure they’re super nice.
There are ninety minutes left in the finale and Chris the Farmer hasn’t made out with anyone in a hot tub, he hasn’t ridden in a helicopter, he hasn’t bungee jumped off of a bridge, or milked a cow. This is the most boring finale ever.
Chris Harrison asks us what we think will happen. Then, he shows us. The end of the show is here. Chris the Farmer wakes up in his hotel room without a shirt on. He opens the shades and shaves. We also get footage of Whitney sitting on a couch to stare off into the distance to think, and footage of Becca standing on the shore of an Iowa lake to stare off into the distance to think. There’s a lot of distance staring thinking going on.
Next, Neil Lane, the worst human alive, sits down with Chris the Farmer for a four-minute diamond commercial. It happens. We watch it. I just hate this show so much.
Whitney and Becca put on fancy dresses and talk to the camera about how much they want love. You guys want love too, admit it. The final rose ceremony will take place in a barn, just to make sure that my level of hate has peaked. Chris the Farmer says it’s the barn where he raised his first pig. You don’t forget something like your fist pig raising. Any woman would feel lucky to be proposed to in a barn where a guy raised his first pig. My wife said “no” at first because I didn’t ask her to marry me in a barn where I raised my first pig. I know nothing about romance… or pigs. The barn is full of pottery and stained glass. It looks like a Pier One Imports.
The first girl to arrive is Becca. The first girl to arrive is usually the one who gets dumped. So, I guess Becca is dumped. We’ll see. After all, THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES!
Chris the Farmer dumps Becca is his pig-raising barn. I wonder if he killed and ate the pig he raised? There’s no time to answer that. Chris the Farmer is dumping Becca. We watch it. It happens. The dumpingness overflows. He tells her that he can see her as being his wife and that he really cares for her, but he has to dump her because she’s not ready to move to Arlington. He’s such a gentleman!
If you want to win the game show, you have to agree to move to the tiny hometown of the man, even though it’s 2015. Becca takes her game show dumping well. She tells Chris the Farmer that she respects his honesty and that he’ll be an amazing husband because he commands his woman to live where he wants her to live without discussion. They hug and whisper goodbye.
Chris the Farmer sighs and tells the camera that he isn’t sure if he was right to dump Becca. Becca gets into the only limo in Arlington and talks to the camera about getting dumped by Chris the Farmer. She says, “It doesn’t feel good at all.” I’ve been dumped before, and she totally nailed it. It doesn’t feel good, at all! Becca doesn’t really cry a lot. I guess she really wasn’t in love with Chris the Farmer. What an idiot!
Now that all the sad and hard stuff is out of the way, Chris the Farmer gets to ask his squeaky fertility nurse to marry him. We get preview footage of it before it happens. Then, it happens.
Whitney says, “On a scale of 1-to-10, my nerves are off the charts.” So, she presents a scale and then gives a measurement off of the charts. Which one is it, Whitney? Is it a scale or a chart? She can create life in a medical lab but she can’t tell the difference between a scale and a chart? I feel sorry for hopeful parents in Chicago.
Chris Harrison meets Whitney outside of the pig-raising barn because he has nothing better to do. They hug. We watch it. Whitney goes into the barn. I wonder if she knows about the pig? Look, there’s no time to worry about that because Chris the Farmer is about to ask her to marry him. Whitney’s shaking a bunch because she’s nervous. She doesn’t even give Chris the Farmer a chance to talk. She just barrels into a speech about her stupid journey. Doesn’t she know that HE’S the Bachelor? He’s the one who gives speeches about journeys! She’s just supposed to move to Arlington to breed!
When she’s done talking, Chris the Farmer starts talking. There’s so much talking. Chris the Farmer also talks about his journey and tells Whitney about how he loved her when he first saw her step out of the limo to join his 27 other girlfriends. He’s such a gentleman!
Chris the Farmer tells Whitney that he loves her and wants her to be his Arlington corn queen. Chris the Farmer gets down on one knee for a Neil Lane product shot. He asks Whitney to marry him AND SHE SAYS YES! I scream out loud and my wife and I knock over some tables to celebrate. You guys celebrated too, admit it! They make out a bunch because they just got engaged. I mean, they harvested corn together, they had to get married.
Chris the Farmer gives Whitney the final rose. I’m not sure how they figured out it was the final rose without Chris Harrison telling them that there was only one rose left, but they managed. They keep talking. Chris the Farmer does his dolphin giggle. America smiles because they love his dolphin giggle. I’m so happy that I never have to watch this show again after tonight.
We still have an hour left. You’ve read six pages of this crap! What is your problem? Are you insane? Are you being forced to read this? Do you need help? Should I call someone? Never mind, there’s no time. Chris Harrison is welcoming us to the ‘After the Final Rose’ show. Let’s find out all of the important questions that need to be answered, even though all of those questions were just answered.
Chris the Farmer is brought out in front of the cat owners in the studio audience as they scream and yell. Chris Harrison sits him down on the hot seat for a special one-on-one interview. He asks Chris the Farmer if he regrets getting engaged to his fiancé. That’s kind of a shitty thing to ask someone. There’s a bunch of giggling and smiling because everyone is happy. You guys are happy too, admit it.
Next, ABC brings out Becca because she hasn’t suffered enough. Becca and Chris the Farmer talk without fighting. They’re super nice to each other. This Bachelor finale isn’t even dramatic. We all want Becca to scream or stab Chris the Farmer, but she just acts nice and civil. What an idiot. Becca wears a lot of eye makeup. I guess… that’s kind of dramatic. I don’t know. I’ve got nothing. It’s your fault for reading down this far.
Becca tells America that she’s never been in love before. She says she loves people, but has never been in love with someone. Chris Harrison can’t believe that she’s never loved before. The studio audience laughs because it’s super funny. This extra hour is torture. We still have forty pointless minutes left. Of course, Chris Harrison promised that something unbelievable was going to happen; something that never happened before. There’s just a bunch of talking about the stuff we just watch happened. No one is even sad. It’s stupid.
Before Whitney comes out, Chris Harrison asks Chris the Farmer about the segment we just watched, even though we just watched it. Chris the Farmer says that he still chooses Whitney. Whitney comes out. The studio audience cheers like they’ve all just won a billion dollars. Whitney and Chris the Farmer make out and then sit on the couch and talk and we listen to it. They talk about why they love each other.
Chris the Farmer says that, when the ABC producers asked him at the start what he wanted in a woman, he said that we wanted his sisters. I didn’t make that up. So, Chris the Farmer asked the woman who most reminded him of his sisters to marry him in his pig barn. This is an incredible love story.
There’s still a half-hour left. Nothing is happening. Chris Harrison teases that something amazing is still going to happen. He should have to pay for his lies. Maybe they’ll cancel the show.
Chris Harrison asks Whitney how she felt watching the show. Whitney says she didn’t watch the show. She’s so lucky. Maybe I should become a contestant so I don’t have to watch. Chris the Farmer talks about how he’s looking forward to having a normal life. Whitney hasn’t moved to Arlington yet. I hope she didn’t lie about her willingness to move to Iowa, because all bets would be off.
The amazing special footage is next. It’s super amazing. Chris the Farmer’s parents walk up to the proposal pig barn to hug Whitney. They cry about the pig barn proposal because they’re happy. These are happy tears. Chris the Farmer laughs like a dolphin while his parents tell Whitney to make babies. America laughs too because moving to Arlington to make babies is hilarious. You guys laughed too… never mind. No one read down this far.
To make sure this is a stupid thing, Chris Harrison points out Ashley S. in the studio audience. He asks her again to be on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’, even though this has already been done before. She says she’ll be on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ because she’s stupid and fake and I’m no longer in love with her because she’s not crazy. I hate fake women who aren’t crazy. My mom wouldn’t even cry if I asked a non-crazy woman to marry me in my pig barn. You know, reading some of these sentences back, they don’t even really make sense.
I didn’t notice it before, but one of the people in my crazy Bachelor-watching Facebook group pointed out that there was no snow on the ground for the finale rose appearance. That would mean they taped the final part days, weeks, or months after the final dates. I’m assuming the season was even more of a disaster than we realized. They probably had to piece together footage in post production and add stuff later to make it almost respectable. They failed. This was a terrible season in a crop of many terrible seasons.
Jimmy Kimmel comes out to talk and make people laugh. I like Jimmy Kimmel, but I feel bad for him having to be a part of this. It’s all terrible. Jimmy Kimmel gives them a cow.
Chris Harrison announces that Kaitlyn and Britt will be the next Bachelorettes. There will be two Bachelorettes. It’s never happened before. 25 men will decide who will be the Bachelorette for the full season. It’s a shocking moment that won’t matter because I’m not watching it or recapping it because I hate this show and I can’t take it anymore. Britt and Kaitlyn come out and answer a couple of questions about being tandem Bachelorettes. Both girls have quickly gotten over their heartbreak from the season.
The season is over. Please listen to ‘We Bros Accept This Rose’, the wonderful podcast featuring myself and Shaun Murphy. We ask the tough questions, and answer them.