“For Sean Lowe, it’s a second chance at love and no one deserves it more.”- Actual words used on the Bachelor
It’s seems like years since I’ve watched the worst show on television and then wrote 2,000 words on it. Luckily for you, America, The Bachelor is back and better than ever. (Keeping in mind that it was never good)
Giant religious Sean, once dumped by vapid Emily Maynard on TV, gets his chance at love this winter. ABC has lined up 25 gorgeous drunk women for which to grind on. It’s not your mother’s reality dating show. It’s The Bachelor. The word ‘forever’ is used 3 seconds in. I have a good feeling about this season.
We begin with Sean talking about himself with plenty of footage of him working out and staring off into the distance and thinking. What if you went to broadcast school and your first job was to tape a Bachelor running around in his yard with his shirt off, lifting weights and staring off into the distance while toweling off his face? Would you go back to school? I’d go back to school and I hated school.
Sean recaps getting dumped on National TV. He sits, heartbroken, leaning against a tree. He stands in the sunset and skips rocks. He’s on a bench. For some reason, a camera man captures all of this. Sean is ready to regroup though and says, “I realize that God has another plan for me.”
Holy cow, if God is up in heaven, making plans, and his plans involve a dude with abs dating 25 women and rappelling down mountains and drinking, the Bible needs a new editor. Is this the same God that told a dude to kill his son? Is Sean talking about the God that flooded Earth because of sinners? So, Sean, the God that wrote out 10 rules and told you to follow them or spend an eternity in fire planned for you to rub your abs against a dozen or so women in a hot tub while 10-year olds watched on ABC? That God? Good. Thanks, Sean. I feel stupid for ever praying, knowing now that God only plans orgies.
Sean’s family makes a toast to Sean and they clink glasses and I realize that they all have the same glass. In my house, there were no two glasses alike. You had one snoopy cup, one Mobil Gas Station Bills cup that contained lead and a Yahtzee cup.
ABC runs out of ideas seven minutes into a new season so they bring back the other loser from Emily’s season, Arie the racecar driver. Arie arrives at Sean’s house. Cameras capture him walking up to the house, descending some stairs, knocking on Shawn’s door and then Sean’s surprised reaction that Arie is there even though they’re both mic’d up and wearing high definition make-up.
Arie and Sean talk and it’s devastating. He teaches Sean to give out roses and dump girls. The scene is longer than an algebra class. Arie gives Sean advice on kissing. I check in on Alabama/Notre Dame. It hasn’t started yet. I hate this show.
Chris Harrison finally chimes in 25 minutes into the show. He takes the temperature of the viewing audience. He says, “Bachelor fans will agree, Sean is sincerely ready to find love”. I don’t think he’s ready but, Chris Harrison didn’t bother asking me.
We meet some girls through pre-produced video pieces. I’ll list some notables:
Tierra- Sits in a desert so camera guys can catch her thinking. Says she’s fallen in love twice in her life. I once fell in love twice during the same commercial break. Tierra has a little dog and talks to it. I want her to fall into a boat motor.
Robin- Uses sticky notes to learn Spanish. I’m so mad I’m married.
Diana- My wife says, ”She’s cute.” I’ll keep an eye on her but she has two kids so she’ll never win.
Sarah- Cameras follow her to work so we can see what girls look like while working. Sarah is on the phone and says “I was just curious to know what you think about the new….um… print layout.” That’s one of the things that girls who work say, in case you didn’t know. Sarah was born with one arm so that’ll be a thing.
Ashley- Annoying. Obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey. I’d rather date a Folgers can of earthworms.
Kristy- Model. Hot. Here to start fights. Top 4.
AshLee- Spells her name with a capital ‘L’ in the middle. Her eye twitches. She was an orphan and has a sad story but she’s going to stab thousands of people. AshLee grabs an early lead for quote of the night with, “I wanna be in love more than anything…. Period… there’s nothing more to say after that.”
“You are the Bachelor.”- Chris Harrison, welcoming Sean and quickly stealing the quote of the night from AshLEe.
We’ve made it to the mansion and Chris Harrison brings out Sean to start the fun. Sean is wearing a suit. (I’m seriously out of recap ideas) I dig in for 25 girls to step out of a limo and attempt to not embarrass themselves while also making an impression. There is much scripted behavior.
A girl with a lot of teeth calls him “Mr. McSteamy.” A Nashville girl named ‘Kelly’ steps out and sings the worst song I’ve ever heard through her nose. There are 7 Ashleys/Ashlies/AshLees/Aschleez.
What’s a Jumbo Tron Operator?
Tierra steps out and Sean just stops the show to ask Chris Harrison if he can give her the first impression rose because producers told him to stop the show to give someone a first impression rose because this show hasn’t been scripted enough to this point. Chris Harrison acts like Sean just asked him to pull the moon out of the sky and light it on fire. In a stunning upset, Tierra accepts the first impression rose and the Earth goes back to spinning. Every girl in the house is quick to hate her for getting the first impression rose. If she isn’t crying by the end of the night, no one is doing their job.
A girl named Lindsay came out of the limo in a wedding dress and Sean could’ve become my hero by sending her right back.
When they’re done with the Tramp-o-line, Chris Harrison announces that there’s one more girl. It’s Kasey B. from 6-or-12 seasons ago. She was booted off because her parents are super scary. I remember liking her because she wore eye black in an episode. She had better wear eye black again this season. They need to find a reason to put her in eye black. The girls all hate her because they’re girls.
Everyone goes inside to drink and snark. A girl name Desiree is given a second first impression rose (THERE ARE NO RULES ON THIS SHOW!) and goes back into the mansion to be hated. As the other contestants are discussing this second girl to get a first impression rose, ABC plays the kind of music you’d hear over footage of Revolutionary War soldiers stabbing the British with bayonets.
Sean gives another girl a first impression rose and the roses are flying around like bees and it’s chaos. Now three girls have first impression roses. The three girls with ‘first impression’ roses sit on a couch and argue over who has the most ‘impressioney’ rose. I’m not making that up.
Just as I’m thinking, “1 hour in… no one seems drunk.”, wedding dress girl pulls Sean aside to dance right after saying to the camera, “I wish I was more sober right now”. Ashleiey the ‘50 Shades’ girl dunks her head into a bucket of ethanol and starts dancing. She walks over to rub against Sean. He mentions that he brought a rape whistle. She freaks out Sean and talks about how he was dumped. Then, she falls down stairs.
What’s a ‘Cruise Ship Entertainer?’
The girls sit on couches and complain about the girls who aren’t sitting on couches. It’s an interesting dynamic. There are 25 women who have never had to go after a man in their life. Now, they have actual competition for the first time. It’s like the hot-shot QB leaving his small Iowa town for USC. (sports quota filled)
Sarah, the girl with one arm (how am I supposed to describe her?!!!) sits and whines about not getting a rose yet. She thinks she’s not getting a rose because she has one arm. Sean finally sits next to her and does not look down at her arm nub. Not once. Professional golfers have less concentration. Sean just sits there and stares Sarah right in the eyes and never glances down at her half-arm. He had to practice at home. They told Sean, “Look, there’s a girl with one arm and you’re not gonna wanna stare at her nub.” Well, the training worked because Sean is a pro’s pro. He never breaks eye contact. You’d think Sarah had two arms. Anywho, Sarah gets a rose because, C’MON! HE CAN’T NOT GIVE HER A ROSE! SHE COULD HAVE HAD GOAT LEGS AND SHE WAS GETTING A ROSE! I hope future potential Bachelor contestants don’t have arms removed to get an unfair advantage.
The Rose ceremony is short because Sean threw around first impression roses like bread in the Roman Coliseum (I saw it on ‘Gladiator’… I’ve been drinking.) There aren’t a lot of surprises. 50 shades girl goes home. Wedding dress girl stays.
“I want to be in love but is it really worth it to feel this way?”- Some crying girl
Ashley/Ashlie/AshLEE/AsHLiEE/AschleigH/Ashlae cries way too much for a girl who has known her dumpee for 13 seconds. She gives a stirring speech on love. I go outside to lean up against a tree and think. No one is there to videotape it.
In the coming attractions to the season, ABC shows us that the girls are going to run around screaming, Sean will find love, Sean will make out with some people on mountains and on beaches, THERE ARE HELICOPTERS, the girls will fight, the music will be dramatic, one or more of the girls will be found to be there for the wrong reason, a paid actor guy will come on the show to steal his fake ex-girlfriend back, a girl will point her finger at another girl, the annual ambulance will visit the mansion because love hurts and you can’t have a reality dating show without an ambulance visit or two, Sean will cry, Sean will stand on something and stare off pensively into something, the sun will set, Oh, and love will conquer all for 3 months!
This show is terrible. I hope you join me for another season.