It took Christopher Columbus 5 weeks to get across the Atlantic and be wrong about India. While it must have been exciting to eventually see land near the end of that journey, you still had tons of suffering and pooing in front of a bunch of guys before you finally got off of the smelly boat.
That’s how I feel watching tonight’s episode of ‘The Bachelor’. We’re so close to the end, I can almost see land. Unfortunately, the worst is still yet to come. There’s going to be crying and booger make-out sessions, fantasy suite sex and, of course, the women will tell all. I’m jumping ahead. Tonight isn’t about boogers or sex. It’s about love… and finding mothers for daughters… and whatever. No one cares. I’ve already lost you.
Juan Pablo has six girlfriends left. Six? Where the hell did everyone go? The teaser voice over promises that tonight’s ending will leave everyone blind sided. The only ending that would blind side me would be if everyone involved with the decade plus of this terrible program got in front of the camera, knelt down and begged my forgiveness. Also, if Juan Pablo found love.
We begin tonight with a preview of the episode. There will be drama in Miami. I’m gonna call it Driami! BOOM!
Juan Pablo drives to pick up his daughter, Camila. Cameras are located throughout his jeep so we don’t miss a single moment of his commute. I say a little prayer to my creator to thank him for the cameras that allow me to witness Juan Pablo driving. Juan Pablo is excited and makes squeak noises. It’s the most interesting he’s ever been.
Juan Pablo sneaks up to the house to surprise Camila. Cameras follow him up to the door that he quietly opens. Cameras are also stationed in the house to capture Camila playing with her grandfather. I don’t know how smart this kid is but, I’m guessing the two camera guys in her living room are ruining any true element of surprise here.
ABC producers threaten Camila to act surprised and she does. Juan Pablo hugs his family and talks about how important family is. We then watch him take his shirt off.
Four seconds later, we see his six girlfriends in their limo as they discuss how real everything is getting. They do a good job of describing their hotel including some specific product placement of designer bikinis. There will be a pair of Juan on Juan dates and a group date. Next week is hometown dates, so there’s a lot on the line.
Juan Pablo talks to his cousin with braces about Sharleen. Juan Pablo says that Sharleen is an Oprah singer. I think being an Oprah singer would be a cool gig. You would just sing about Oprah all day. Juan Pablo says that his Oprah singer could be the one.
A minute later he visits the hotel to take one of his girlfriends out. It’s a spontaneous date. He hands the date card to his Oprah singer, Sharleen. They leave IMMEDIATELY! Holy Cow! We hardly even have time to show her on camera putting on earrings and then heading out onto a balcony to think about love. They do show that. She totally walks out onto a balcony and stares off into the distance. Maybe she’s thinking of Oprah songs.
Sharleen still isn’t sure about this whole thing. For the four thousandth time, she declares that she’ll leave if she doesn’t figure things out. Sharleen is a liar as well as an Oprah singer. I’ll bet Clare’s dad is all, “Make up your mind, woman!”
The rest of the girls sit in a circle and talk about how wrong they think Sharleen is for Juan Pablo. They say that she’s too nerdy for Juan Pablo. I don’t know what anything means. Sharleen and Juan Pablo get on a yacht to float around and talk about how cool it is to float on a yacht. Sharleen tells the camera that she doesn’t think they get each other. They must have different interpretations of floating on a yacht.
Instead of talking, they make out. We get to see it and hear it. It’s slurpy. There’s a solid 2 minutes of just tongues coming out of mouths and going into other mouths. I’m so glad I don’t watch this show with my parents. They kiss a ton. Juan Pablo is totally going to town on a panda in a yacht full of brown bears. It’s Grown Sexy.
When they’re done tasting each other, they actually talk about life. Sharleen says that she would be ready to date a guy with a kid. That’s good because she’s currently dating a guy with a kid. Then, they run into the ocean to make out more. It’s like Vietnam all over again. If this is the first recap you’ve ever read, I don’t mean THAT Vietnam thing.
Sharleen and Juan Pablo might be having sex but, I’m not sure. I can’t see all of their parts. Maybe Clare’s dad can. He’s up in heaven either watching over this make out session or his daughter on a hotel balcony talking with her boyfriend’s other girlfriends. He might be able to watch over both scenes. I’m not sure because I’m not dead. I should be so lucky.
Juan Pablo and Sharleen are now back on the yacht and it is dark out. Keep up! Juan Pablo thanks Sharleen for being herself. They make out more. I didn’t think it was possible but, the camera gets even closer so we can see more movement out of their jaw muscles. We’re 22 minutes into the episode and at least 10 minutes has been Juan Pablo slurping on his Oprah singer.
Sharleen tells the camera that she isn’t comfortable with her inability to control herself around Juan Pablo. I’m not comfortable with it either. We go from kissing to talking. I don’t know what I hate more. Sharleen says that she wishes she was dumber so she didn’t think so much. She should try watching this show. I know I’m dumber.
The date mercifully ends. Sharleen is a mess. She complains to the one girl with the kid that she still isn’t sure whether or not she wants to stick around. In an amazing turn of events, this girl, who is competing with Sharleen for the love of a man, tries to convince her to stay to give herself a true shot at love. This show has no rules.
Nikki gets the next Juan-on-Juan date. The rest of the girls hate Nikki. They say that she’s negative. They say that she’s negative but they haven’t given her a negative nickname like ‘Negative Nikki’ or ‘PessiNikstik’. Whatever. Shut up.
Juan Pablo tells Nikki that he’s going to surprise her. He’s bringing her to Camila’s dance recital. Nikki’s excited. She tells the camera that she’s excited. That’s how I know. Dramatic music plays because you can tell that Nikki really isn’t interested in meeting Camila. I think she’d rather make out on a boat. I mean, who wouldn’t? Cameras show their jeep ride to the dance recital so, that’s covered. Nikki meets Juan Pablo’s family, including Camila’s mother. It seems comfortable.
ABC shows us about four minutes of a children’s dance recital. I miss the yacht make-outs. The family talks after the recital. All of this should be on camera. It’s really entertaining.
Back at the hotel… seriously keep up! Back at the hotel the other girls get their date card. There will be a rose on the group date. Everyone flips out because, woah. Sharleen, who is not dumb enough, complains about the fact that there’s a rose on the group date and threatens, for the 87th time, to leave the show. Sharleen is a liar. The girls should have given her a nickname like ‘Sharliar’ or ‘Fictsharleen’. You know, why don’t you jerks come up with your own stupid nicknames?
The dance recital wasn’t exciting enough because Juan Pablo and Negative Nikki drive to the Florida Marlins stadium. Juan Pablo works there. The stands are empty so, there’s a good chance there is currently a Florida Marlins game going on. Sports quota filled.
Nikki and Juan Pablo play catch. It’s a good idea for Nikki to play catch because she’s wearing a shoelace for a shirt and the opportunities for sideboob are plentiful. When they’re done with open-shirt baseball catching, the happy couple lies down on an intern-provided blanket to talk. Nikki does that thing where she doesn’t stop talking. Juan Pablo puts up with it for awhile before beginning another gratuitous make out session.
Nikki loves the date and gives Juan Pablo credit for planning it. He really did work hard. Even if he did plan it (he didn’t), he just took a girl to work. If you don’t have abs, girls will not let you get away with that crap. Nikki loved it though. She says that Juan Pablo “hit a home run.” Do you guys get it? She said “home run” because they were at a baseball stadium. Why did she stop there? Why didn’t she say, “When Juan Pablo tried to kiss me, I didn’t balk. I let him throw his tongue right down the plate. He cleared the bases and my taste buds. That kiss won the pennant. This entire date had a high number of Wins Above Replacement Player.” She didn’t, though. She stopped at “home run.”
We’re back at the hotel and Sharleen is still thinking about her doubts. Keep up! She gathers all of Juan Pablo’s girlfriends together to talk about her inkling to leave the show. She’s worried about the seriousness of hometown dates. She tells the other five girls that she’s leaving. The other girls do a good time of containing their glee. Well, everyone but Clare. Clare is smiling like an 8-year old on the tea cups in Disney World when she hugs Sharleen goodbye. I’m not buying it. Sharliar isn’t leaving.
Sharleen goes over the Juan Pablo’s to announce her intentions. She whispers so ABC gives us subtitles. She’s not ready to be proposed to… or at. Do you get proposed to or at? I guess it depends on who is doing the proposing. Sharleen cries and Juan Pablo comforts her. He’s really growing. He’s come a long way from the guy who yelled at a girl for having sex with him in the ocean. Sharleen says that she’s sorry for wasting his time. Juan Pablo tells Sharleen that he understands what she’s going through and that she shouldn’t feel sorry for wasting his time. For the record, no one has apologized to me about that.
After she leaves, Juan Pablo tells the camera that Sharleen would’ve gotten a hometown date. He’s crying. Sharleen left early so, she doesn’t get to cry in a limo. She gets a van cab. She’s just a brown bear in a yellow cab.
I feel like I’ve already watched 8 episodes tonight but we still have half of the show left. Juan Pablo loads 4 girls into a private plane because there were no van cabs available. This plane is equipped with cameras so, we get to see the ride to their group date. As the fun starts, cameras zoom in on the rose up for grabs on this group date. The rose sits on a plate. It is not in water. How doesn’t it die? How long can roses go without water? Are roses like transported whales? Do Bachelor interns have to periodically splash the group date rose with water to keep it moisturized? Did you read down this far? Do you guys wanna make out on a blanket?
The group drinks alcohol on a beach. Chelsie takes Juan Pablo aside to talk way too much. She talks about her mom and dad. It’s not Grown Sexy. Even Claire’s dad is all, “Boring!” She’s kind of a nerd. The other girls should give her a nickname like ‘Nerdy Chelsie’ or ‘Chelsdweeb’. Juan Pablo likes how Chelsie loves her family.
Juan Pablo and Andi walk and talk. There’s just so much going on. There are emotions and they both sit down to talk about it. We should all sit down, you guys. Andi talks. She talks a lot. The girls should give her a nickname like ‘Chatty Andi’ or ‘Babblandi’.
Clare gets the next 5-minute session with Juan Pablo. She talks about her family and how important they are. Juan Pablo tells Clare that he wishes he could have met her dad. He then moves in to make out with her. If you’re taking notes at home, it’s a really good idea to bring up a woman’s dead father and then, 3 seconds later, try to make out with her. Especially if this woman is so attached to the memory of her father that she carries around a DVD of his messages. She’ll totally be ready for a sloppy make out session.
Clare brings up the video that the man she is to marry must watch. She tells that camera that she hopes that Juan Pablo gets to watch her dead dad video. I hope so too, you guys. Then, they make out.
Next, Juan Pablo gives out the rose. Keep up! He gives it to Andi. It’s a big shock. I thought for sure Andi was going home. Clare flips out. She does that shaky, nervous talking thing that serial killers do before they de-populate towns. Clare gets on the plane and says, “Let’s bleeping wrap bleep up and go home.” She doesn’t really say it. She sings it. Clare is crazy. The other girls should give her a nickname like ‘Crazy Clare or ‘DeClared Insane’! C’mon, you guys! That one was good. Admit it.
Juan Pablo and Andi continue their date by making out in the ocean. What is with this guy and making out in oceans? A very high percentage of shark attacks happen in the ocean. 100% of all deaths by shark attack happen in the ocean. Juan Pablo loves the ocean. The girls should give him a nickname like ‘OcJuan Pablo’ or ‘Marine Pablologist’.
I don’t have any friends.
Juan Pablo and Andi walk around Atlanta. When the hell did they get to Atlanta? They walk into a concert hall because ABC loves them some private concerts. Romeo Santos performs a private concert for Juan Pablo and his lover for the moment, Andi. I don’t know who Romeo Santos is. His name reminds me of Santos L. Halper from the Laddie episode of ‘The Simpsons’. There’s music and dancing.
Back at the hotel, the girls gather in the living room to talk. I’m guessing ABC producers cattle prod them to get them to hang out together for a certain amount of time each day. Otherwise, they’d just sit in their rooms and Netflix. Clare declares how much she hates Nikki. She says, “I want to hang out with Nikki like I want to get stung by a jelly fish.” So, she’s saying she wants Nikki to pee on her.
The conversation is awkward. It’s not really even talking. There’s a lot of tension between Clare and Nikki because they hate each other. Nikki gets up and walks away. Clare chases her to confront her. It’s confronty. They argue and a lot of it is bleeped out. Thank goodness they bleep it out. Otherwise, any children who have been watching Juan Pablo’s magic tongue show would be subjected to a swear word.
Clare is super stabby. She has the energy of a person who stabs other people. I’ve been hit in the face by nuns who had a more pleasant demeanor than Clare. This woman boils rabbits. There’s no way she’s not a multiple murderer.
Nikki tells Clare to leave her room. Clare clarifies that it’s not Nikki’s room. I’m happy to have that clared up. There’s more yelling and further explanation about said yelling. Clare leaves. Nikki tells the camera, “Clare is like a dog. She peed on me first. She claimed some territory that might not be hers.” There are an awful lot of references to peeing in this recap… at least two more than usual.
The cocktail party is next. The girls all talk about how important this moment is. It’s really important. It’s a crucial cocktail party. Clare talks to Juan Pablo and her eyes are crazy. I can’t un-see her craziness anymore.
Nikki sits around and says bad things about Clare. They go to sit near the ocean because… you know. Chelsie and the girl with the kid also talk about how much they hate Nikki. By the way, the girl with the kid doesn’t need a nickname. She’s the girl with the kid.
When Nikki sits back down Chelsie announces that she has to pee. What is it with these girls and peeing? Clare and Nikki sit in total silence for 20 seconds. There is no talking. It’s my favorite moment in Bachelor history. Even when she’s not talking, Clare looks crazy. Chris Harrison comes out with his butter knife that he uses to tap on a wine glass to interrupt conversation and announce the rose ceremony but, there’s no need for the butter knife. No one is talking.
The rose ceremony is next. Nikki, Clare and the girl with the kid all get a rose. Chelsie is sent home. Clare got a rose despite her tendency to want to murder human beings.
Chelsie thanks Juan Pablo for showing her a good time and says that she hopes he finds someone special. She’s too nice for this show. In her limo she cries like a good girl. She says that she wants to find her partner in crime. I’m glad Juan Pablo dumped her. I don’t want her crime spree to snowball into something worse with the help of a partner.
Last week at work, I parked next to a handicapped parking space. An officer of the law gave me a ticket for parking in a handicapped spot. With the service charge, the ticket set me back 80 dollars that I don’t have. I was pretty angry, but I didn’t do anything about it. I just took it.
I just took it because there was nothing I could do about it. No one would listen to my complaints. No judge or town clerk would care. It was my word against the word of the officer who wrote the ticket. I had no hand and it fills me with hate. It’s exactly how I felt learning that, next week, there will be two episodes of ‘The Bachelor’.
I hate this show.
Greg Bauch is being held against his will by the American Broadcast Corporation. If you’ve missed his cries for help, you can read them here.