We’re in the third week of Nick V.’s Bachelor season and I can already declare that it’s the greatest season in Bachelor history. Now, that’s like going to a dog park and ranking piles of waste that have passed through the asses of dogs, but this has been the best pile of dog poo. It’s a beautiful, steaming pile of dog poo. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.
Nick only has 22 girlfriends remaining. He’s practically a monk. ABC begins by reminding us how he dumped Liz last week (she’s Liz now, or was Liz. She’s dumped so I’m not sure if she’s Liz or Elizabeth). Nick then told a bunch of his girlfriends that he had sex with Liz. It’s the Liz Situation! Do you guys remember the Liz situation? Oh my goodness, I almost forgot about it!
Things pick up where they left off; with over-to-top dramatic music and girlfriends reacting to the bombshell that Nick once had sex with a woman.
The girls are questioning whether Nick has good intentions because he had sex with Liz. So to recap, women on a TV show, dating a man who is also dating 21 other women, are questioning whether it’s okay that this man once had sex with a woman after a wedding. This show is like a bible study. So many scruples.
It’s the cocktail party before the rose ceremony. Nick pulls some of his girlfriends aside and they talk about the Liz situation, or Lizuation as it’s come to be known.
The women are worried that Nick might only be dating 22 women because he wants to just have sex with them. Elizabeth, the other one, says “If anything happens here, I don’t know how I’m going to feel.” Then, Astrid says “You mean, before the fantasy suite?”
So, they basically game plan that they’ll eventually have sex with Nick in the fantasy suite. They don’t question whether or not they’ll get to know Nick and how that could possibly lead to sex in a fantasy suite, they just know that they will eventually have sex with Nick in a fantasy suite if they make it that far into the game show. This show is super romantic.
Corrine is all about stirring things up. She’s listening to women question Nick’s intentions because of previous sex-havin’, and Corrine wants to bring out the pig in Nick. She tells the camera, “Girls were overreacting to Liz going home, but at the end of the day, why are we here? I’m going to do something to one-up anyone around me.” If you’re keeping score at home, she’s talking about having sex with Nick. She says, “I know how to turn up the sex charm.” That was my yearbook quote. What the hell is sex charm? Is that like Axe body spray?
If you missed last week’s recap, you missed the news that Corrine is a terrible person. She’s been planted by the producers to be terrible, so don’t blame her. You guys were totally blaming her, weren’t you? Well, stop! It’s not Corrine’s fault that she’s terrible. It’s God’s fault. In a tournament of the worst people ever, she’s a 1-seed. Also, Corrine’s voice is like the last sound you hear before a whale swallows you.
Raven and Nick literally talk about things. Raven literally asks Nick if he’s okay and he says that he is okay. Nick just wants to move past the Lizuation. You guys want to move past the Lizuation too, admit it!
We’re back to Corrine planning to make naughty with Nick. She says, “I’m ready for that serious commitment. I want that. I want there to be that sexual, mysterious connection between us.”
Corrine gets naked and puts on a robe. She takes Nick by the pool with some whipped cream. I’m assuming some poor Bachelor producer had to go and get the whipped cream at the corner store so Corrine could be slutty. I hope the intern got college credit for this.
Corrine sprays whipped cream on her, um, parts and Nick licks it off. She sprays some in Nick’s mouth and eats it out of his mouth like a baby bird. We watch Nick nourish Corrine with whipped cream. It’s super romantic. Women who want serious commitments definitely get naked and jam their tongue down a guy’s throat to eat whipped cream out of it.
Bachelor producers tell the other girls in the mansion what’s going on so they can peek out the window and judge. It’s super judgy. I hope you guys weren’t judging.
Nick stops the whipped cream session before it gets too crazy because he’s learned from his past experiences on reality TV dating shows. You can’t eat whipped cream off a girl until you’re in the fantasy suite with her. That’s one of the rules that Moses had on those stone tablets.
Corrine is super sad that her whipped cream session went wrong. She goes into a bathroom to cry. Elizabeth goes into the bathroom to console her. It doesn’t work. Corrine is inconsolable. Nothing could console her, except maybe pills.
Corrine falls asleep and misses the rose ceremony. She got a rose on her group date, so I’m not sure what the rules are about being present for the ceremony. It continues without her. This show has no rules.
Nick notices that she’s not there. He stops the ceremony and asks his other girlfriends where she was. They tell Nick that she’s upstairs. He apologizes to his other girlfriends for his one girlfriend’s absence. The other girls accept the apology. It’s accepty.
Nick dumps a handful of girlfriends. Lacy, Hailey and Elizabeth go home. Hailey cries because she wanted to find love with Nick and didn’t. She cries to the camera because she didn’t open up enough. Literally 40% of her bra is showing while she says this. She’s wearing a bra as a shirt, but doesn’t open up enough. Imagine if she did open up more? We’d definitely see her nipples.
It’s the next day. Keep up! Chris Harrison comes to the mansion and announces the next group date. The group date card just says “Everybody.” The girls will be going to a Backstreet Boys concert. The Backstreet Boys WALK INTO THE ROOM!!!! The girls scream and go nuts, even though they were all fetuses when the Backstreet Boys were popular. The Backstreet Boys sing to the girls. The girl sing along. Their parents must have taught them the lyrics. The Backstreet Boys did not age well. They look super leathery. I’ve seen tighter skin on sea turtles.
Nick and the Backstreet Boys meet the girls in a studio. They’re practicing their dancing because the girls are going to be forced to dance in front of a live audience. I don’t know about you guys, but when I’m dating 19 women and I only get minutes with each of them, I definitely like to spend time learning choreography and performing live shows so I can get to know my girlfriends better.
Corrine is not only a terrible person, she’s also a terrible dancer. Her dancing is lacking, at best. Corrine tells that camera that she’s worried that her lack of dancing skill will ruin her chances with Nick. She doesn’t like watching him dance with other girls. Corrine, and you guys aren’t going to believe this, Corrine runs into the bathroom to cry because she can’t dance. Jasmine consoles her. These girls who console Corrine deserve Nobel prizes. I would just stab Corrine. There’s not enough stabbing on this show…yet.
The live concert is next. Keep up! Nick goes out on stage with his girlfriends. I get so nervous for them that I have to run around in circles, breathing into a paper bag. Next, we’re forced to watch 11 minutes of a half-assed Backstreet Boys concert. It’s much worse than I could possibly describe. The girls dance around the Backstreet Boys. The Backstreet Boys kind of sing. People cheer. It’s what life would be like if you had a lobotomy.
Danielle did the best with the dancing, I guess. I don’t know who was judging. Danille gets to slow dance with Nick while the Backstreet Boys sing one of their songs. Nick and Danielle make out. Corrine hates it. She says, “This is my worst nightmare repeated over and over and over and over.” In my worst nightmare, my family is trapped inside of a burning house, screaming for me to help them. I try to get to them, but the flames are too hot and I’m forced to watch them die in agony, but I guess having to watch Nick make out is also a bad nightmare.
After the concert, Corrine tells the camera that this was the worst day of her life. I can’t make fun of her because this is also the worst day of my life. Corrine pulls Nick aside because she hasn’t been getting enough Nick-tention.
While she’s talking to Nick, the other girlfriends complain about Corrine in the other room. It’s complainey. Nick forgives Corrine for the whipped cream and for missing the rose ceremony. They slurp their faces together in a sign of contrition. Corrine is relieved, so she goes into the other room and falls asleep. Cameras capture her snoring. We’re supposed to think that it’s LOL ‘cause Corrine is totally snoring a ton, but really producers just tell her to fake snore.
While Corrine is sleeping, Nick makes out with his other girlfriends. Back at the mansion, Vanessa finds out that she gets the next 1-on-1 date. The other girlfriends in the room cheer for her because she gets alone time with their boyfriend. It’s not weird at all.
We’re back on the group date. Keep up! Corrine talks to the other girls about the future. She mentions kids and how she would have her nanny take care of her kids. It’s revealed that Corrine is 24-years old with a nanny, like a Mary Poppins nanny. The other girlfriends go nuts over the news. I think it actually makes a lot of sense. Jasmine doesn’t like Corrine. She tells the camera that she would like to slap Corrine. It’s super violent.
Nick gives the group date rose to Danielle because she’s a super good dancer and made out with him in front of 500 people. That’s worth a rose, at least. Corrine doesn’t freak out that she didn’t get the group date rose. You guys, Corrine is already maturing!
Vanessa’s 1-on-1 date is next. Nick takes her on a plane so they can do zero gravity stuff. Vanessa hugs Nick and thanks him for the cool date, like Nick had any control over setting this date up. Vanessa should have hugged the producer who set it up, or the pilot who is flying the plane. Nick did nothing but he gets all the hugs. Life isn’t fair, you guys.
Next, we get to watch Nick and Vanessa float around. It’s floaty. They have so much fun. I can’t stand it. Nick and Vanessa make out. They cut to Nick talking to the camera about his date and he’s narrates the make-out session as it’s happening. So, producers must say things to him like, “What where you thinking while making out with Vanessa in zero gravity?” Then, they make Nick answer the question like it was happening live. Television is weird.
The music gets dramatic. Dramatic things are about to happen. Vanessa gets nauseous and throws up into a bag. Who would have thought that going up and down in a plane at a million miles per hour would make someone nauseous?
Nick consoles Vanessa and holds her as she throws up. The music gets all soft because Nick is super sweet for helping Vanessa through her throwing up phase. Vanessa tells the camera that she couldn’t have survived her throwing up without Nick. It’s inaccurate. She tells the camera that she really likes Nick and that SHE’S FLOATING! It’s a great pun, because she was totally floating, you guys. Vanessa is hilarious. Nick makes out with Vanessa after she throws up.
After throwing up in a plane and making out, Nick and Vanessa go to the tallest building in Atlanta. This should help her nausea. They sit on the roof and don’t eat the food Bachelor interns have prepared for them. Vanessa thanks Nick for helping her throw up. Then, they make out some more.
Because the date is going well, Vanessa tells her sad story about how her grandpa died a few weeks before she came on the Bachelor. She says that it was hard to go on the show, but she knows her grandpa will be here with her on this journey. Why do these women always bring their dead relatives with them on this reality dating show? Can’t they let the dead rest?
Nick thanks Vanessa for bringing her dead grandpa with her on the show. He tells his heartwarming story about how he’s been wrong about his feelings before. He says that he’s worried he’ll have his heart broken again. The soft piano music lets us know that he’s totally not kidding. Soft piano music doesn’t lie. Nick tells Vanessa that she made him feel optimistic about dating 19 women at once. Vanessa and Nick make out on the talent building in Atlanta. I hope her grandpa likes Nick’s tongue.
Nick gives Vanessa rose. I mean, she threw up and told her dead grandpa story. You just knew she was getting a rose.
The next group date is next. I wonder if they’ll float in a plane???!!! They don’t float in a plane. What a rip off! Nick runs outside on a track for some reason. The 7 group date girlfriends run out and meet him on the track. This date already sucks.
Nick tells his girlfriends that he’s passionate about track because he ran track in high school. Then, Carl Lewis runs out and meets the group. Nick says, “Carl Lewis is literally an American hero.” So, Nick knows how to use the word “literally.”
Olympic great Michelle Carter is also on the group date. The girls scream and pretend like they know who Carl Lewis and Michelle Carter are. Carl Lewis announces that the girls will be performing a Nick-Athlon. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence. My computer doesn’t think “Nick-Athlon” is a word. My computer is an idiot. Dominique says, “I would like to track and field Nick all day long.” I’m all for innuendo, but that sentence doesn’t make a lot of sense.
What follows is a bunch of terrible sports. The girls jump, run, and throw javelins. Sports quota filled. Three of the girls advance to the finals for a chance to spend time with Nick in a hot tub. The final event it a sprint. I hope this reads as exciting as it was to watch.
Rachel won the race, but was supposed to grab a giant ring at the finish line. She missed it. The ring fell and smashed on the ground. Astrid picked up the broken ring and technically won the Nick-Athlon. Astrid gets to spend time in the hot tub with Nick. They slurp face on TV. Since Vanessa wasn’t on this date, I doubt her grandpa was in the hot tub with Astrid and Nick. But, Claire’s dad was probably there. Claire’s dad is always there.
The after party is next. Dominique is feeling insecure. She’s thinking about leaving the show because Nick doesn’t seem interested in her. She’d like to “track” and “field” Nick, but it’s hard to do that when he ignores you. A guy needs to notice you if you want to track and field him. My wife wouldn’t track and field me until she had direct eye contact. Why are you reading this?
Dominique goes into the bathroom to cry. Rachel consoles her in the bathroom. So much consoling on this show. It should be called ‘The Consoler’ instead of ‘The Bachelor’.
Back on the date, one of the girls rolls out a giant blanket with shirtless Nick’s picture on it. There’s no explanation, so I can’t explain it. Keep up! Rachel gets alone time with Nick. There’s soft piano music, so it’s going well. Nick slurps Rachel’s face. Dominique walks by to see the woman who consoled her making out with her boyfriend. It’s super treacheryey!
Dominique finally gets alone time with Nick. Instead of tracking and fielding him, she lectures him for not paying attention to her. This is a big no-no on The Bachelor. Never yell at the guy dating 19 women for not paying enough attention to you. He doesn’t care.
Nick doesn’t take the lecture well. The music gets dramatical. He tells Dominique that, if she needs attention, she needs to find it somewhere else. Nick dumps Dominque. He takes her outside, hugs her, and puts her in the dump SUV. She’s definitely not getting attention now. At least now she can have any man she wants, and those men probably won’t be worthless pieces of shit. Good for Dominique.
Fresh off dumping Dominique, Nick goes back inside and gives the group date rose to Rachel. Let this be a lesson to you guys; always be the consoler and not the consolee. Consolees get dumped.
The next day, Chris Harrison announces that there will not be a rose ceremony. Instead, there will be a pool party!!!!!! OMG, that Chris Harrison is a super guy. I wish crows would eat his face.
The girls get ready for the pool party by putting on bikinis and sun screen. Cameras capture it all. There’s even hard guitar music, so we all know the score. The girlfriends are excited for the pool party. They cheer. Corrine is excited because she has a surprise for Nick. The surprise is a Princess Castle bounce house. I was expecting a sex toy.
Corrine and Nick bounce and make out in the castle. The other girls wonder why Nick isn’t at the pool party. They go out front to see Nick and Corrine making out in the bounce castle. It’s a downer. Alexis tells the camera that it’s the worst pool party she’s ever been to. At least no one drowned.
Things get serious. Raven literally pulls Nick aside and tells him about Corrine’s nanny. She tells Nick that he’s making a huge mistake with Corrine. Taylor and Jasmine also warn Nick that Corrine is here for the wrong reasons. Vanessa is so mad about Corrine and Corrine’s nanny and the bounce castle make-out session that she threatens to leave the show. Vanessa tells Nick that she’s concerned about his intentions. These women are always questioning other people’s intentions. Can’t people just have intentions without those intentions being questions every second? How come you guys never answer me?
Nevermind. The show is over. ABC just tells us that a bunch of dramatic things are going to happen next week and we have to wait to find out what those things are. There’s no way I’m going to sleep at all for the next seven days. Maybe I’ll get lucky and a bus will hit me.