Ben Higgins came on ‘The Bachelor’ to find love. Well he didn’t just find love, he found double love. That’s twice as much love as he set out to find. It’s like leaving the drive thru to find out that the kid at the window accidentally gave you two McDoubles. In this case, the extra McDouble is the love of a second Reality TV show contestant. Ben loves both 4th Lauren and Jo Jo. It’s the giant love pickle of all giant love pickles. It’s The Bachelor.
We start tonight’s 3-hour dramathon with a preview of the 3 hours we’re about to watch. ABC could make this a 2-hour torture-fest if they just stopped showing us previews of crap before the actual crap, but ABC doesn’t like any of us. ABC wishes we were all dead.
Ben will sit on a balcony and think a bunch. He’ll jump into lagoons with his lovers. He’ll talk about love to his parents. He’ll sit on a bench and think, probably about love. There will be a lot of thinking and love. Keep up!
Next, we go to a live studio audience of cat owners. Chris Harrison riles them up because he’s useless. He then asks the camera what Ben will do next, as if he didn’t know the answer. Harrison says that it’s possible Ben might just marry the woman he chooses during the worthless, piece of crap extra hour. Both families have been flown in and there’s a pastor or something there to marry the winning couple. It’s such a giant crock. It’s been 30 seconds and I’m already furious.
The action moves to Jamaica. 4th Lauren stands on a balcony and stares off into the ocean. She’s thinking too. She’s probably thinking about love. She moves to one end of the balcony, stops to think, then moves to a different part of the balcony to think some more. It’s amazing the camera guys can keep up with her.
Next, it’s Jo Jo’s turn to think. She walks on the beach to think. Jo Jo is more of a mobile thinker, rather than a ‘stand on a balcony to think’ thinker. We’re really getting a range of thinking.
When Jo Jo is done thinking, Ben thinks. He sits down to think. That’s so Ben! While he talks to the camera about his girlfriends, ABC shows us the girlfriends to make sure we’re certain about which girlfriends he’s talking about. He’s talking about 4th Lauren and Jo Jo. That’s who ABC shows, not some other girls that Ben may have met while in Jamaica.
Ben walks up to a Jamaican villa to talk to his parents. They must live in Jamaica. I didn’t know Ben was Jamaican. Ben’s dad asks Ben if he’s in love. Ben says, “I’m in love with two women.” His mom says, “Wow!” His mom is super profound.
Ben’s mom cries to the camera about his son being in love with two women. It’s not the sort of thing a mother wants their son to do. My mother would always scold me about distributing my love to one woman at a time. She had “Love One Woman at a Time” crocheted into a pillow.
4th Lauren is the first girlfriend to meet the parents. She brings Ben’s parents wine and flowers. She acts like she drove all over Jamaica to buy the flowers and wine, and didn’t just smack some ABC intern on the ass to make him go out to get them.
Ben’s dad pulls 4th Lauren aside to talk to her. Ben’s dad tells 4th Lauren that Ben loves her. She already knew that. We all already knew that. Give us some current events, Ben’s dad! Ben’s dad asks 4th Lauren if she’s in love with Ben and she says that she is. We also knew that. This must be a repeat. We knew all of this!
Ben’s mom takes 4th Lauren down to a bench near the super noisy ocean so that their conversation can be inaudible to the rest of America. Ben’s mom warns 4th Lauren that Ben has been hurt a bunch and may not be completely lovable. 4th Lauren assures Ben’s mom that she loves Ben. 4th Lauren wants to help Ben get past all of the heartbreak he has faced. ABC plays soft ‘4th Lauren wants to help Ben heal’ music. The two keep talking. We keep listening. It keeps happening. It’s never going to end. After nuclear fallout, all that will be left will be cockroaches this conversation about 4th Lauren loving Ben.
Ben talks to his mom about 4th Lauren. He asks his mom what he should do about loving two women. His mom doesn’t have an answer. What an idiot! Ben’s mom is no help. It’s like she doesn’t even love her son.
Ben and 4th Lauren walk outside and sit on the steps to talk. There is so much talking on this show. It’s terrible. 4th Lauren tells Ben that she loves him. I am so sick of people loving each other. Ben and 4th Lauren make out on their Jamaican porch. ABC plays the soft music really loud so we don’t hear the slurping. At least ABC gives us that.
Jo Jo gets her turn to meet the parents. She brings flowers in a giant sea shell, but no wine. The interns must not like her as much as 4th Lauren. They sabotaged her. Ben’s parents take her shell full of flowers, smash it on the floor and yell, “Where the hell is the wine, Jo Jo?!!” Not really.
Ben’s parents act nice to Jo Jo. There’s a lot more talking. We’re 20 minutes in and I already wish a herd of wildebeest would storm through my front door and trample me to death. Is the plural of wildebeest, wildebeests? Wildebeestes? Wildebeestesses? Look, there’s no time to think about it because more talking is happening!
Ben’s dad talks to Jo Jo. As far as I can tell, he does a great job of not looking down at her chest. I couldn’t do it. That’s some amazing self-control Ben’s dad has. I’d look down, at least once. I’d probably go so far as to accidentally drop stuff on the floor so she had to keep picking it up.
Ben’s mom doesn’t stare either. Jo Jo tells Ben’s mom the story of how Ben told Jo Jo he loved her. She says it’s the happiest moment of her life. She’s probably never been to Universal Studios. Ben’s mom tells Jo Jo that she takes Ben to his safe place. It sounds creepy. I wish I didn’t have to watch this. Jo Jo keeps crying as she talks to Ben’s mom. She’s just so happy with Ben that she can’t control her emotions. I bet Ben’s mom is hoping Jo Jo loses because Thanksgiving would be awful every year with all of Jo Jo’s crying.
Ben and Jo Jo sit near a tree to talk about the crap we just watched. Jo Jo asks Ben if he’s ready to get married. Ben says he is ready to get married and that he loves Jo Jo very much. Then, they make out. Boy, it’s gonna suck for her if she doesn’t win. He has basically assured both women that they’ve won. This guy is screwed.
Ben’s dad tells Ben that he’s screwed because both women love him. Then, they break down the field. Ben’s dad seems to like 4th Lauren more because she’s sweet. Ben’s mom likes both of them because she’s a mother and that’s what they’re supposed to say. Mothers never tell you which of the two women you love to pick. They never take sides. Ben’s mom cries and tells Ben that he’s an amazing man. She doesn’t mind that Ben dated and made out with 28 women on TV, had sex with three women in a Jamaican resort, then dumped two of them within a week. I know she’s his mom but Ben’s mom is a terrible judge of character.
After the commercial, we go to Chris Harrison. He asks the studio audience if they’re ready to see the finale. They scream, indicating that they’re ready. What if they weren’t? Harrison teases again that there could be a live wedding. ABC even cuts to their fake pastor reading a book, like he’s preparing to conduct a wedding. Is that what pastors do? They study the bible? It’s such crap. I doubt that’s even a bible. It’s probably a dictionary.
We’re back to Jamaica. Keep up! Ben and 4th Lauren sit on a yacht on the windiest day in Jamaican history. Everything they say is accompanied by the sound of 50 MPH winds. 4th Lauren talks about how crazy it is that they’re here. She says, “Isn’t this crazy?” Ben says, “Yes.” It’s totally crazy. You guys thought that it was crazy too, admit it.
4th Lauren feels like Ben is being a little distant. She thinks that he’s thinking too much. Where has she been? All this guy does is think. He’s totally a thinker. Ben takes 4th Lauren down to the beach so they can take off more clothes. It’s a good decision.
4th Lauren asks Ben if he has any doubts about her. Ben says that he’s troubled because things have been too perfect. He says that he freaks out when things are going too well. This guy is a ton of fun. When Ben can’t really tell 4th Lauren what he’s thinking, he makes out with her. It’s a great way to break an awko taco silence. Remember that when you’re at work; if there’s an uncomfortable silence, just make out with someone.
Ben tells the camera that he’s questioning the process because he’s in love with two women and it’s unbearable. So, to recap, the guy who went on TV to date 28 women is unhappy because he has feelings for more than one of them.
Next, 4th Lauren prepares for their night date. ABC show her putting on makeup so we know how to put makeup on. Ben arrives at her Jamaican suite so they can sit on a couch to talk. THEY WERE JUST SITTING AND TALKING WHY COULDN’T THEY HAVE JUST FINISHED THEIR CONVERSATION ON THE BEACH?
As Ben and 4th Lauren talk in their Jamaican suite, billions of frogs scream in the background. ABC always makes sure that their romantic conversations are coupled with frog screams.
Ben apologizes to 4th Lauren for being nuts. He tells her that he’s just having a hard time. He reiterates his love, but has trouble expressing his concern. I’m sure it’s an easy conversation to have with a camera guy 3 feet away. 4th Lauren does most of the talking. She says that she’s ready to spend her life with Ben. She says that she’s never been more sure about anything in her life. That sounds like something a person who was about to lose a game show would say.
Ben tells 4th Lauren that, no matter what happens, she has made him a better person. He thanks her for standing beside him and letting him get to know her. It sounds like the kind of speech you’d give a girl before you dump her.
4th Lauren cries to the camera because she knows Ben loves Jo Jo. She figured it out! 4th Lauren is super intuitive. 4th Lauren tells the camera that she couldn’t picture her life without Ben. That’s one thing 4th Lauren and I do not have in common. Before he leaves for the night, Ben and 4th Lauren make out one last time. It could be the last time they ever make out. Now, I’m emotional!
Jo Jo gets her final date. Ben drives a Jeep to pick her up. Jo Jo says, “Nice Jeep!”, like it’s his jeep and not some Jamaican rental. Ben and Jo Jo make out in the road outside of the Jeep, then they jump into the Jeep. Why the hell would you read down this far?
They talk in the Jeep. Ben seems more comfortable and less ready to dump someone. Ben and Jo Jo stop at a Jamaican waterfall and take off some clothes. They swing on a rope and jump into the waterfall. They make out under the waterfall. It’s super romantic. I can’t wait until these two idiots go back to Indiana and spend the afternoon in the appliance section of a Target arguing about what kind of iron they should get.
After the waterfall fun, Ben starts to think too much again. This guy is the Michael Jordan of thinking. Sports quota filled. Jo Jo can tell something’s wrong and asks Ben. He admits that he doesn’t know what he’s going to do with his gameshow. Now, Jo Jo is insecure about losing the gameshow.
It’s the nighttime date at Jo Jo’s Jamaican suite. Jo Jo is still really worried that Ben might love his other girlfriend, so she keeps talking to the camera about it. You guys are nervous that he loves his other girlfriend too, admit it.
Ben admits that he’s scared because he’s confused. He says he loves Jo Jo, but he’s on a gameshow, and being on a gameshow means loving two women at once. Jo Jo asks Ben what he struggles with in their relationship. He says that he doesn’t have any problems with their relationship. As he’s saying this, Jo Jo’s dress shows 68% of her boobs. I have no problems with their relationship either.
Jo Jo says that she’s happy and in love, but afraid too. She’s practically married, because that’s how I always feel. Ben assures her that he’s in love. They hug. It doesn’t seem like Jo Jo wins the gameshow. She pulls Ben into the bathroom for a private conversation. They hide in a closet or something. The conversation is now presented in subtitles because Ben and Jo Jo are behind closed doors. Jo Jo tells Ben that she wants something from him, like confirmation that she won the gameshow. Ben says that he loves her, but he also loves 4th Lauren. Boom! Never tell your girlfriend that you love your other girlfriend. You learn that, like, your first day of school.
Jo Jo says that she feels foolish. She says that she feels like she always has to compete with other people and she’s tired of competing. Maybe, Jo Jo, don’t go on a gameshow where you’re one of 28 women dating a guy? I don’t know, I’m not an expert.
Ben and Jo Jo say goodnight, then she cries a bunch. ABC is nice enough to give her some space as she cries. Just kidding, camera guys crowd her to get footage of the crying. They zoom in on her face. It’s romantic.
Ben goes somewhere else to sit on a chair and think. His brain must weigh 100 pounds! He’s a deep thinker, too. Ben says, “I’m lost. I’m a lost man right now. Emotionally, I’m lost. In terms of what to do, I’m lost. I’m lost.” So, I’m pretty sure Ben is lost, but I’m not positive.
It’s the next day. Keep up! Ben wakes up and there are camera guys in his room to capture his waking up on film. Cameras also capture him thinking some more, in case we weren’t sure whether or not he ever thinks.
Ben visits diamond whore Neil Lane, because this show never gets old. It’s always so new and fresh and it isn’t the worst thing on television. We watch our 4-minute diamond commercial. Ben spends the whole time thinking about his girlfriends. As he chooses a ring, he pretends like he comes to the conclusion of who to marry. Those bastards at ABC orchestrated a “Diamonds make you realize who you love” moment. It’s such bullshit. Ben has magically decided who he is going to dump because of diamonds.
We watch the women do their hair and try on their dump/engagement dress. Jo Jo picks a dress that shows a bunch of boob. She’s a smart girl. The girls jump into A HELICOPTER so they can fly to see Ben. You can’t just walk or drive over to see your boyfriend when he’s about to propose to you or dump you. You need a helicopter for that! Good thing fuel prices are low.
Ben waits by the ocean for his girlfriends. For a second, I wasn’t sure what is supposed to happen now but luckily Ben repeats for the 400th time that he has to dump one girlfriend and then propose to the other. I had almost forgotten.
Jo Jo is in the first helicopter to land, so she’s the one getting dumped. When you love two women and you have to dump one of them and propose to the other, you always want to get the dumping out of the way first. You never want to get super happy while proposing to one and then try to put on a poker face as you dump the other. Super nice guy Chris Harrison doesn’t tell Jo Jo that she’s about to get dumped. He casually lets her walk over to get dumped, because he’s scum.
Jo Jo walks up to Ben and they hold hands. She starts a dramatic speech about love and Ben lets her talk because he’s an asshole. He doesn’t interrupt her to say, “Hey don’t embarrass yourself, I’m dumping you.” He lets her give a 3-minute speech about love. I’m sure she’ll love watching this back. It’s clear by his facial expression that he’s going to dump her. Ben tells her that he loves her but he loves his other TV girlfriend more. He says that he doesn’t want to let her go. Um, Ben, you gotta let the one you dump go!
Jo Jo gets really steamed while she’s getting dumped. I don’t blame her. I’m sure she’s not used to getting dumped. Plus, there’s the whole thing where Ben told her he loved her 6 million times and then let her fly in a helicopter down to the ocean to receive a proposal.
Jo Jo doesn’t know what to say, so she leaves. Ben tries to explain, but he doesn’t do a good job of it. He’s a really good thinker but a terrible explainer. He should think more about explaining.
Jo Jo hugs Ben before getting in her dump limo. I give her a lot of credit because I would have punched him in the balls. There’s a camera in the limo so we get to see her cry some more. It’s super convenient. Jo Jo tells the camera that she wishes she could be mad at Ben but she can’t because she loves him. She says that she wants someone to tell her they love her and really mean it. I’m sure she’ll get lots of emails.
Ben cries too. He sits on a Jamaican bench and cries. He tells the camera that Jo Jo would have supported him and helped him through any hard times he had in life. It’s ironic because he’s going through a hard time now and he just dumped the one person who would have helped him through it. It’s like raaaaaaiiiiiinnn on your wedding day…. a freeeeeee riiiiiiiiddddeee….
When we get back from commercial, ABC plays happy music because the part where they break a girl’s heart is over and it’s time to act happy now. The studio audience claps because they no longer care about Jo Jo. I don’t even remember who Ben just dumped. Who the hell is Jo Jo? It doesn’t matter because we’re back in Jamaica and Ben’s about to propose to 4th Lauren and that’s all that I care about.
Ben stands near his ocean and, seconds after dumping his girlfriend, he calls 4th Lauren’s dad on the phone and asks for permission to marry 4th Lauren. 4th Lauren’s dad picks up on the 1st ring! Who the hell answers their phone? He must have been watching ‘The Bachelor’ on TV! If this was realistic, the call would have gone to voicemail. Or, more realistically, Ben would have sent a text asking for permission.
4th Lauren gets out of her helicopter and walks over to get her proposal. She says that she’s nervous. She must not have been watching ‘The Bachelor’ on TV.
Ben and 4th Lauren hold hands in a really awkward way. It’s awko taco. You guys, I’m gonna miss typing “awko taco”. 4th Lauren gives her speech. We listen to it. It happens. It’s really stupid. At one point, she tells Ben, “You’re my person.” I hate this show.
Ben says that he doesn’t want to say goodbye to 4th Lauren. He says that he wants to live for her and love her. He says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Well, I hope for his sake that he only has 3 months to live, because that’s how long this is going to last.
Ben proposes to 4th Lauren. She says yes. ABC shows the diamond. It’s a good idea because I’m totally going to run out and buy a bunch of diamonds now. Ben and 4th Lauren make out near the ocean. He gives her a rose. It’s real, you guys. Love is real. Love happens. If Ben can find love when given 28 attractive women, all desperate to be chosen to win the gameshow, then anyone can find love!
The show is over, but it’s not. There’s the hour-long, live ‘After the Final Rose’ crap. Chris Harrison gets to pretend for an hour like there’s going to be a live wedding because they flew in 4th Lauren’s family and Ben’s hometown pastor who, I hope, will get fired after this.
Ben Higgins comes out onto the stage so the cat owners can scream some more. It’s been hours since they screamed. They must have been getting bored.
Chris Harrison asks Ben a bunch of questions about the things we’ve already seen. Ben answers them. Harrison asks what it’s like to fall in love with two women at once. Ben says that you can’t live with regret because he eventually met the woman he loves. Let that be a lesson to all of you kids reading this, always tell every woman that you love them because it will eventually lead you to one woman.
Jo Jo takes the stage to talk to the guy who dumped her. Her dress has a slit in the middle and only shows about 12% of her boobs. She’s cutting back on boob display. She must have gotten a new agent.
Jo Jo sympathizes with Ben because watching back the footage must have been hard for him. She had trouble watching his reaction to dumping her. Jo Jo is really good at being dumped. If I was her boyfriend, I’d dump her all of the time!
Chris Harrison asks Jo Jo what she was thinking when she was dumped. It’s a really good question. Chris Harrison is such a pro. She says it was difficult. I wasn’t expecting that answer. Woah! Jo Jo tells America that she can see why Ben chose 4th Lauren because 4th Lauren is a great person. Okay, Jo Jo is really making a play for a future Bachelorette spot. She’s being way too nice.
Just as I have that thought, Chris Harrison stands up and announces that Jo Jo will be the next Bachelorette. It was widely reported that Caila would be the next Bachelorette. That must have been ABC goofing with us. So, Jo Jo went through so much pain and anguish getting dumped by Ben that she’s willing to put 28 men through the same thing in a couple of months. She must have learned a lot during her journey. I don’t feel sorry for her anymore. In fact, I’m glad she got dumped in Jamaica.
4th Lauren comes out to give the cat owners another reason to scream. These people are all going to lose their voices. 4th Lauren talks about her love journey. It’s completely uninteresting. She says that winning the gameshow was the best day of her life. That makes me sad. She’s not even the next Bachelorette.
4th Lauren announces that she’s moving to Denver because the woman always has to go to the place where the man lives. Ben and 4th Lauren talk about how they don’t want a long engagement. ABC lawyers told them they had to say that so we can continue with the “fake possible wedding” ruse.
Jimmy Kimmel stands up to ask funny questions so we all get a chance to LOL. I love Jimmy Kimmel, so I hate his involvement with this crap. I get it. I don’t hate you, Jimmy. I’m just disappointed in you.
Next, Chris Harrison pretends again like it’s possible Ben and 4th Lauren might get married on live TV. He reminds Ben that he said he’d be ready to get married right away and then brings out the pastor from Ben’s hometown. Ben laughs but he doesn’t get married to 4th Lauren on TV. That would be goofy.
He does re-propose to 4th Lauren because it wasn’t boring enough the first time we watched it. 4th Lauren says yes again. ABC loves to show us crap we’ve already seen. The families all come out an hug. It’s awko taco.
The show ends. Well, it doesn’t end, end. It’ll be back. ‘The Bachelor’ is like boogers; no matter how much you pick them and throw them out your car window, there’s always more boogers a few minutes later.
Only one person in the Bachelor Fantasy League submitted a tie breaker. Jack A. wins. He guessed that Ben would use the word “love” 46 times. He was short by 28, but still wins! Congrats, Jack. No one can ever take this away from you, including future prospective employers who will no doubt use this information against you.
Thanks to all of you for reading these terrible recaps. I wish so much that you wouldn’t so I could stop doing them, but you only care about yourselves. You’re all pandas in a room full of brown bears.