Where the hell have you guys been? So much has happened on ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ that I can barely keep up. There has been love, deceit, more love, making out,…


This totally looks like a ton of fun.

Where the hell have you guys been? So much has happened on ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ that I can barely keep up. There has been love, deceit, more love, making out, plastic boobs, some ‘like’, lies, hate, drama and then additional drama.

We’ve reached week 2 of the worst thing to ever happen, but I feel like I’ve been recapping this show my entire life. Do you know how, when you get your foot caught in a bear trap in the middle of a dense forest, it takes forever to chew it off? It’s like that.

If you’re new to the show, ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ is a forced dating show. A bunch of ab-ridden socialites gather in Mexico and must find a partner or suffer the shame of being sent home. Chris Harrison calls it “a second chance to find a soul mate.” I don’t think Chris Harrison knows what a soul mate is, unless a soul mate is actually someone you run into the ocean with to have sex and then leave them 15 minutes later for someone else.

Before the episode, Chris Harrison says “You are not going to believe what you see tonight.” I can’t believe that I won’t believe it. It’s unbelievable. Harrison tells us a touching love story.


This guy is literally a Putz

Michelle, the really weird girl who left the show last week slept with some random crew member in a hotel. I guess when you film every second of a woman’s life, you can develop feelings for them. They snuck around and stuff happened. Stuff tends to happen in places. When confronted about the sneaky sex times, the crew guy jumped off of a balcony to get away. It’s a bold and stupid move.

ABC gives us a terribly acted re-enactment, complete with a dummy jumping off of a balcony. It’s the apex of terrible. Wait, apex is the top. Terrible can’t have a top. This is the zapex of terrible. The crew guy’s name is Ryan Putz. The freakin’ guy’s name is PUTZ. You can’t make this stuff up. Actually, you can. They probably did. I don’t know, nor do I care. This whole thing was 10 minutes of my life I’ll never get back, thrown onto the pile of thousands of minutes I’ll never get back.

We begin the real show with the arrival of Big Angry Chris the super intense guy. He seems like the kind of guy who would push someone off of a balcony. He’s perfect for ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. Chris comes with a date card, so he’s sure to get attention from the lady types who want to stick around. His date card says, “Choose someone to pamper in paradise”.

This week, the girls are in charge of handing out the roses, which gives them the power of who to keep and who to cast off STD Island.

Chris chose Clare and her dad for his date. They get a couple’s massage. It’s pampery. Clare’s dad watches a professional massage guy rub his daughter, and then Big Angry Chris rubs Clare. There’s a lot of Clare rubbing. Chris and Clare really hit it off. It’s super adorable. ABC plays soft music as they “frolic” in the ocean. The poor ocean.

Back at the bungalow, Robert is bummed that Lacy left him for Marcus. There’s drama there. Marcus gets the next date card and gives it to Lacy to further their connection. It’s furthery. Lacey says that she’s “beyond interested” in getting to know Marcus better. I have absolutely no idea what “beyond interested” is. Maybe it’s obsessed? I’m beyond obsessed with the cancellation of ‘Bachelors in Paradise’.

Elise and Dylan strengthen their connection. It’s strengtheny and connectiony. Elise says that she’s falling in love with Dylan even though they’ve only know each other for a week. Elise talks about how she’s a Pisces and that’s why she loves the ocean and stuff. Dylan is not into Elise and says that he wants to see other people. There are only, like, 8 other people, so that’s pretty specific. Dylan dumps Elise.

Lacey and Marcus go out on their date right in front of heart-broken Robert. Sarah with 1 and ¾ arms can’t believe how fast Lacey jumped to Marcus. She says, “It’s BEYOND crazy how fast Lacey jumped to Marcus.” If you’re keeping score at home, BEYOND crazy is watching ‘Bachelors in Paradise’-crazy.

Marcus and Lacey drink wine and talk about how he was dumped by Andi the Bachelorette so they would have a chance to find each other. The Lord works in mysterious ways, you guys.

Back at the bungalow, Big Angry Chris has cast aside Clare to flirt with Elise. Keep up. Clare doesn’t know about it. Elise is keeping flirty with Big Angry Chris to try and make Dylan jealous. THAT’S HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME, GIRL! (I think)

Big Angry Chris and Elise get into their little crotch hammock bikinis and jump into the ocean to pollute it more. The poor ocean. Clare sees the make-out session and is super mad. Who wouldn’t be? Answer me!

We come back from commercial with footage of Dylan doing sit-ups, for some reason. Michelle Money and Elise talk about stuff. They talk and there’s talking. I can’t really recap it because it happens so fast and so pointless. Basically, Elise thinks that what she has with Dylan is special. She calls this a turning point in their relationship, which is the most hilarious thing I’ve ever heard.

Dylan told Elise to see other people. She saw Big Angry Chris in the ocean. Dylan is now mad. That’s like putting peanut butter on a dog’s tongue and telling it not to eat peanut butter. Elise is super upset. She apologizes for kissing Big Angry Chris. Dylan dumps Elise again, hurting his chances of sticking around. Elise says that Dylan is “literally killing me right now”. I know this show is literally killing me.

Elise is upset and confused about getting dumped, but she’s still not giving up on Dylan. She says, “This is nothing. This is nothing. This is just a little bump. That means we have a connection.” Elise is super smart.

The cast talk about the Elise/Clare/Dylan/Big Angry Chris love triangle. It’s more like a love quadangle, or a love square. It could be a love rhombus. It could also be a love parallelogram. It’s a four-way love shape thingee.

Some guy named Zach shows up to their love island and everyone acts super excited because Zach is a cool guy, or something. Zach was on Desiree’s season. I don’t remember him. It’s Dez now, by the way.

Zach chooses Clare for his date. They walk through Mexico. Clare says that walking through Mexico helps her embrace her heritage because she’s half-Mexican. So, Clare is half-Mexican. Claro? Si.

They jump into the ocean as contractually obligated by ABC. They add some salt and some stink. Don’t anybody eat fish for a couple of months until this ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ contamination clears up. The poor ocean.

Back at the bungalow, Big Angry Chris makes fun of Dylan for having a 4% body fat. He calls him ‘Fat’ Damon. I guess he kind of almost looks like Matt Damon. Clever.

Dylan ‘Fat Damon’ gets a date card and gets to choose a woman to take out. He asks Sarah to go. Sarah is super nice and makes sure Dylan isn’t still hooking up with Elise, but she is totally into Dylan. Sarah plays hard-to-get and takes time to think about it. Sarah and Elise are super close friends. They’re like best friends. Best friends are way closer than normal friends, you guys.

Sarah asks Elise if it’s cool. Elise is shocked that the guy she blew off to make out with someone else in the ocean is standoffish toward her. She doesn’t understand why the guy who has dumped her twice would ask someone else out on a date. Elise doesn’t have a great concept of relationships. She cries but tells Sarah that it’s cool. It’s totally cool, you guys. Elise is totally cool, even though she cries a ton. Sarah, who is unable to interpret what her friend’s tears mean, goes out on a date with Dylan.

Elise mopes around her bungalow. It’s stormy outside and Elise makes reference to how she and Dylan are in the middle of a storm. You guys, she totally drew a parallel between her relationship with Dylan and the current weather conditions. Elise is a genius. Elise is quick to forget that she was recently dumped by Dylan. Why couldn’t I meet women like Elise in college?

Sarah and Dylan go out on a date. They eat on TV. It’s not real stormy where they eat. It must be a different part of Mexico. The crickets are loud in this part of Mexico. Dylan and Sarah eat dinner amongst crickets. They talk and there’s talking, and cricket chirping.

Dylan really likes Sarah. He says that she’s hilarious. She totally is. Sometimes, I can’t concentrate on work because I’m constantly thinking about all of the super funny things that Sarah is always saying. I can’t even really pick just one funny thing. Basically, everything she says is funny. Sarah is hilarious. You have no idea.

Back at the Bungalow, Michelle Money is starting to get sweet on Ben. Keep up! Ben wants to find love. Marcus and Marquel dig through Ben’s backpack and find a love note from Ben’s girlfriend back home. It’s super dramatic. I wish you could have heard how dramatic the music was. Picture a movie scene where a father is holding his two kids off the end of a cliff and only has enough strength to pull one of them to safety. He has to choose which child to save. This was that dramatic.

Marquel takes the love note to confront Ben. It’s confronty. Marquel might not have game, but he has this confronting thing down. Marcus joins Marquel in the confrontation. It’s double-confronty. The guys are mad at Ben for being here for the wrong reasons. Ben doesn’t deny it. Marquel and Marcus judge him for his wrong-reasonedness.

For the next 7 minutes, Marquel yells at Ben for having a girlfriend on a show where people have sex with other people in the ocean seconds after having sex with different people in the ocean.

Michelle Money digs deep into her emotional shallowness to yell at Ben. She cries about how she has been missing her 9-year old daughter for a show where Ben just walks around with the wrong reasons. Ben is ruining the integrity of the show by having a girlfriend. Michelle Money cries a lot and storms off. Michelle Money is the worst person who ever lived. Michelle Money is as close to a real person as my Fantasy Football team is to a real NFL team. Sports quota filled. Not that it matters during this highly emotional time.

At no point does anyone suggest to Michelle Money that she doesn’t have to miss her 9-year old daughter if she just went home, but that would mean that she didn’t get to be on TV. That’s not happening.

Clare questions the purpose of the show by saying, “Who is here for the right reasons? Is anyone here for love?” I don’t have an answer for Clare. No comprende, Clare.

Ben volunteers to leave the show because he was bad. He says, “I’m done with TV.” As they go to commercial, Michelle Money is bawling her eyes out. I’m just glad that her daughter gets a chance to see her grow and learn life lessons on TV. Michelle Money took a big chance by traveling to Mexico to make out with strange men. I hope it pays off for her.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Keep up! Big Angry Chris, Robert and Dylan are in danger of going home. Marcus has Lacey, Sarah has Dylan. Graham has AshLEe. Zach has Clare. Marquel and his lack of game have Michelle Money and her lack of a soul. Marquel is all set to cruise through the Rose Ceremony and then screws it up. He tells Michelle Money that she likes to drink. She takes offense while holding a giant glass of wine in her hands. Robert swoops in and woos Michelle Money. It’s wooey.

I hope, if you read down this far, it’s because you’re being punished for a serious crime or you’re doing so for school credit. You couldn’t possibly be reading this for entertainment. I’m almost hoping you’re in a clinic, recovering from laser eye correction surgery and someone is reading this recap out loud to you, but you’re kind of half out of it and you’re unable to get them to stop reading.

Sarah is uncomfortable giving Dylan a rose because Elise is her friend and Elise likes Dylan. To make Sarah feel better, Dylan dumps Elise again. HE DUMPS HER THREE TIMES IN ONE WEEK. That has to be a record. Elise, a master of intellect, says, “He’s sending mixed signals.” I can’t wait until Elise is the President of the United States of America.

Before roses are handed out, Chris Harrison says, “I think everyone here is sincerely looking for love.” I laugh so loud that my neighbors call the police.

In a stunning upset, Marquel gets a rose from Michelle Money. It’s shocking. I’m shocked. You guys were shocked too.

Just when we get over THAT shock, Elise tries to give a rose to Dylan. It’s shocking. Dylan refuses the rose. Elise still hasn’t figured out that she’s been dumped three times. She makes a long, rambling speech to the group that takes forever. ABC makes fun of her by playing circus music. It was terrible times. Big Angry Chris get seconds by accepting Elise’s rose after Dylan refuses it.

Sarah has the final rose of the night. She gives it Robert. So, Dylan goes home. Boom. You guys, three shocking things in the span of three minutes. I feel like I jumped off of a balcony, even though I didn’t, because that would be stupid.

Dylan doesn’t cry in his limo ride home because he’s still a 4% body fat-Matt Damon type and those kinds of guys have no trouble frolicking with girls in the oceans of the real world.

I hated tonight because I only got to type AsHleE once. This show is beyond terrible. Next week is supposed to be super dramatic, so there’s that. Also, I just realized the show is called ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ and not ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. Our lives will never be the same.

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