What a week! I still haven’t recovered from last week’s episode. Intentions were questioned, castles were bounced in, rings were smashed and dead grandpas were dragged into the mix. If this week’s show is anything like last week, we’ll all be dead before the credits roll. It’s the most important thing that has ever happened. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.
We pick up right where we left off. Nick’s girlfriends were warning him that Corrine has a nanny. There’s so much warning, you guys! They are pissed off. Taylor even says, “I am pissed off.” So, you know it’s true. While the girls are hanging out by the pool, Corrine is off sleeping. Ugh, the nerve!
Vanessa asks Nick if he’s looking for a wife or someone to bleep around with. She says, if Nick isn’t looking for a wife, she’ll leave. That’s an ultimatum. It’s always a good idea to give ultimatums to a guy who is dating 20 women.
Nick tells Vanessa that he cares about what she thinks. He tells her to be patient about Corrine. He doesn’t use the phrase “Corrine Situation”, but we all know that there is now officially a Corrine situation. When Nick tells Vanessa to be patient, what he’s really saying is that Corrine is planted on the show to be terrible and producers are making him keep Corrine on the show for a couple more weeks, so she should just wait for that.
Just when things get super ultimatumey, Chris Harrison breaks up the pool party. So, no more pool party. Chris Harrison ruins everything.
I know you guys like to relax and unwind with an episode of ‘The Bachelor’, but it’s not gonna happen. As the kids say, ish is about to get real. The other girlfriends are sick of Corrine and, again, they’re questioning Corrine’s intentions. The girls confront Corrine. It’s super confronty.
Taylor and Sarah go upstairs to confront Corrine. They tell her she’s hurting herself by being the way she is in bouncey castles. They say that she’s privileged because she straddled Nick in said bouncey castle. Corrine says that she isn’t privileged. She gets mad because she shouldn’t be questioned by other girls. She tells the camera, “You do you. You do you. You go, girl. You do you. I’ll do me.” She stole that from Walt Whitman.
The rose ceremony is next. I can’t handle this pace. Nick thanks his girlfriends for an amazing week and for having difficult conversations with him. I think every conversation with Nick would be difficult. While the roses are being handed out, the girls tell the camera how much they hate Corrine and how some girls might leave if Corrine gets a rose. That’s what we call a bluff.
ABC makes us worry that Corrine won’t get a rose. They make us wait for the last rose before Corrine gets one. Corrine does get a rose. None of the girls leave, despite all their intention-questioning.
Christen goes home. She seemed nice and normal, which means she never had a chance. Christen cries and says, “I was so ready to find love.” She probably shouldn’t have gone on a game show where you date a guy dating dozens of other women to find it, then.
Brittany is also sent home. She cries while telling the camera that she knows people will make fun of her for crying. Well, now I feel bad about it, Brittany. Way to ruin my fun! Nick has 20 girlfriends left. That’s, like, no girlfriends. Josephine says “There’s so much less competition now.” It’s true. Dating 20 women is practically monogamy. Why even bother? Any fewer than 28 girlfriends is way too intimate. You’d have to know their names!
It’s the next day. Keep up! Chris Harrison tells the girls that they’re going to Milwaukee and everyone screams like Milwaukee is Paris. The girls jump on a plane and go to Milwaukee. We watch it. It happens. ABC shows us a field of wheat, so we know for sure it’s Milwaukee. A bunch of girls stand on their hotel balcony and yell, “Hello, Nick!” because that’s a Bachelor tradition that will never die.
Nick goes to a diner or something and meets up with his parents. You can really see on their faces how proud they are of Nick. He tells his parents that he was nervous because he wasn’t sure if dating 25 women would work out. His parents nod. They ask if he is ready to narrow it down and choose a girl. He says he’s almost ready. I remember when I talked with my parents about how I was almost ready to choose from my 25 girlfriends, so this was super emotional for me.
Next, the girls see ducks. This is intense. Nick meets them by the duck pond and hugs a few of his 20 girlfriends. He’s really getting to know them. I love that we get to see these moments.
Nick announces that Danielle L. gets a 1-on-1 date. Nick takes her away to see Milwaukee. The other girlfriends cheer them on and wish them well on their date. You guys wished them well too, admit it!
I have no idea who Danielle L. is. I don’t think she existed before tonight. Danielle L. and Nick walk around a different pond. There are so many ponds in Milwaukee. Milwaukee must be Latin for “pond place.”
The happy couple visits a bakery. ABC is really pulling out all the stops. The bakery has cookies that look like Nick. They’re called Nickerdoodles! I’m forced to jam a steak knife into my leg to suppress my anger. There’s also a Danielle L. cookie. Wow, she didn’t even exist and now she has her own cookie! Danielle L. and Nick eat their cookies and then they make out.
As Nick and Danielle L. walk around Milwaukee, they run into his ex-girlfriend Amber. Amber joins their date so they can talk. It’s such a weird coincidence that wasn’t at all orchestrated by producers, weeks in advance. You can tell it’s spontaneous by the way Amber is wearing a microphone.
Danielle L. gets to ask Amber questions about Nick. She asks Amber why Nick is still single. Amber says it’s because Nick wouldn’t settle for anything less than what he wants. ABC plays soft “Amber thinks Nick is a nice guy” music. It’s super sweet. Danielle L. is impressed.
Next, Nick and Danielle sit on a hill to talk. I can’t believe how right my guidance counselor was about me. I’m just completely wasting my life. Nick and Danielle L. make out on their hill in Milwaukee. Before the commercial, ABC shows us clouds. I miss the moon.
Next, Danielle L. and Nick go to a bar. Danielle L. wears a dress that shows us 83% of her chest, so we’re getting to know her. I’d love to tell you anything that happened for the next 7 minutes, but there was just a whole lot of chest-watchin’ going on. I think she talked about her parents. I don’t know. Who cares? Recap your own goddamn show.
Back at the hotel, the date card arrives. All the other girlfriends are hanging out in the same room. ABC doesn’t even give them a TV, they have to sit around and talk to each other. That would be terrible. The date card announces the contestants for the next group date. It’s all the girls except Raven. So, Raven gets the other 1-on-1. The other girlfriends cheer for Raven because she gets special alone time with their boyfriend.
We’re back on the chest date. Keep up. Danielle L. talks about her parents’ divorce. Nick does a good job of maintaining eye contact. He gives Danielle L. a rose and they slurp faces for about two minutes. Then, Nick takes her to a concert featuring ABC-approved recording artist Chris Lane. I don’t know who he is, but I don’t get out to Milwaukee much. Danielle L. and Nick dance and slurp face in front of Chris Lane and the concert goers. If I paid good money for a Chris Lane concert and had to watch that, I’d get my money back.
The group date is next. The girls walk into a barn and Nick is feeding a baby cow. It’s so cliché! This will be a dairy farm date, so these city girls will really be ducks out of water. Nick is happy because his girlfriends will have to do dirty things on the dairy farm. I’m sure that’s innuendo.
The girlfriends carry around hay and feed cows. I wonder if they had to fill out paperwork to work on the farm? Will they have to claim their wages from the day on their taxes? Did they have to join a union and pay union dues? Answer me!
A huge cow is brought to the center of the barn. Nick can’t milk it, so the girls step in. Jaimi grabs the udder and milks it and the other girls giggle ‘cause they’re super immature. Grow up, girls. I hope I don’t end up with this Bachelor milk. Just to be safe, I’m going to stay away from milk for a couple of months.
There’s a ton more farming. We watch it. It happens. Corrine complains a lot because she doesn’t like cow poop. She leaves in the middle of all the farming. The rest of the girls get angry because, when you’re dating a guy on TV and you’re forced to farm, you can’t just stop farming! You need to finish your farming! You can’t pause mid-farm and complain about the poop! Get your shovel and farm like a farmer! Your potential marriage is on the line. How is Nick supposed to know if you’re wife material when you don’t clean up cow poop? I know, before I married my wife, I watched her shovel at least 40 truckloads of cow poop before I was certain that she was the one.
After the farming, Nick takes his girlfriends to a country club, or something. It’s a place with a bunch of candles and alcohol. Again, I’ve never been to Milwaukee.
Nick talks to Kristina, who has a really thick accent. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her before. Kristina tells Nick about her troubled past. ABC plays soft “Kristina had a troubled past” music. Nick tells Kristina that he sees her zest for life. He actually uses the phrase “zest for life.” Who talks like that? Kristina and Nick make out. It’s super zestful. You can totally see the zest in the way she slurps his face. She’s practically slopping over the sides with zest. It’s almost too much zest. I cover my face with my hands to protect my delicate eyes from all the zest. It’s like, okay, we get it. You’ve got zest, Kristina. Calm down.
Back in the other room, the other girls get mad at Corrine because she’s still alive. Corrine doesn’t care. She tells the camera that she’s in this for Nick. She talks about corn and how she is a buttery piece of corn and Nick needs that buttery piece of corn. I’m not making that up. Why do you read these?
Vanessa and Nick get alone time. She gives Nick a photo album that her students made. It tells Nick about Vanessa and how she’s a great person. Maybe, and this is crazy, but maybe Nick should just spend some time with Vanessa instead of forcing her to farm, then she wouldn’t need to have her students make him a book. Again, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve never been to Milwaukee.
Back in the other room, Corrine confronts the group. She tells them to stop hating her. The other girls counter-confront her. Get your head on a swivel because the confrontation is coming from every angle. It’s so confronty. Jasmine asks Corrine if she seriously thinks she’s ready to marry a 36-year old man. Who would be?
Corrine says that the girls shouldn’t be mad at her for taking a nap. She says, “Michael Jordan took naps. Abraham Lincoln took naps. But I’m in trouble for napping?” It’s a great point. Score one for Corrine. She should be on a debate team.
They ask Corrine why she wouldn’t farm. Corrine says that she stopped farming because she couldn’t feel her fingers. Again, point for Corrine. You can’t farm without fingers. Try it. You can’t. Most farmers have fingers they can feel. I think. Again, I’ve never been to Milwaukee.
Just in case you forgot, I should point out how much I hate the sound of Corrine’s voice. She keeps using it to make words and it’s terrible. Picture the sound a cat makes when it’s in heat, only it’s in English.
Back in the other room, Nick has moved on from Kristina and her troubled past to spend time with Rachel. They talk about how hard it is to date people on TV. Nick tells Rachel that he appreciates her putting up with his other 19 girlfriends. Then, they make out.
We’re back to Corrine. Keep up. Kristina tells Corrine that she cares about her and is on her side. Kristina wonders if Corrine is really here for Nick. You guys were wondering that too, admit it. Corrine says that she is here for Nick and she shouldn’t be questioned because she has a serious medical condition. Corrine says that she skipped a rose ceremony because she has anxiety and stuff. She says personal attacks are not cool because “We’re fighting for a fiancé, not a pickle.” She stole that from Elizabeth Cady Stanton.
Nick gives the group date rose to Kristina. It must be extra special for her because she had such a troubled childhood. I’m not sure if you guys remember, but her childhood was not easy. Not at all. I can’t give you specific details because ABC didn’t let Kristina talk about why her past was troubled, but trust me, it was super troubled. If troubled pasts were career NFL receptions, Kristina would be Larry Centers. Sports quota filled. What I’m saying is… she… had a lot of…trouble. Luckily, no one reads down this far.
Raven’s 1-on-1 date is literally next. She literally meets Nick in a park, somewhere in Milwaukee. There is literally no one else in this park, except Vanessa’s dead grandpa. Milwaukee looks deserted. Nick’s little sister Bella meets them in the park. It’s nice that ABC lets Nick’s girlfriends hang out with his little sister. It allows them to be around people more their age.
Nick and Raven join Bella’s soccer practice. That means we get to watch little girls’ soccer practice for 11 minutes. It’s about as thrilling as it sounds. Raven loves the way Nick practices soccer with his little sister. She says, “It makes me even more attracted to him.” That’s a little bit creepy. If I said that little girls’ soccer practice made me attracted to someone, I’d be in jail, and rightfully so.
Next, Raven gets to meet Nick’s parents. Woah! This is huge! Raven is meeting Nick’s family super early. There are still weeks left to go. Just you guys wait, the other girls are going to flip the fuck out over Raven getting to meet Nick’s parents. This will not go over well.
We cut to the Corrine situation. Taylor is still complaining about Corrine. She hates Corrine, but won’t let it ruin her chances with Nick. Taylor holds up zero fingers and says, “This is how many fucks I give and how much chill I have left.” Wow, she doesn’t even have a little chill or give a little fucks. She gives and has zero. If Taylor had a chill gauge, it’d be on ‘E’. If someone in the group needs fucks or chill, they better not ask Taylor.
Back to Raven’s 1-on-1 date. Nick takes Bella and Raven to a roller rink. There’s a bunch of roller skating. Raven and Bella talk. Bella seems sweet and completely comfortable being exploited for her older brother’s benefit. I know, if I had a little sister, I’d be sure to subject her to my filthy game show. Good for Bella. She’ll get to look back on this moment and know that she was a part of the worst thing to ever happen to television.
Raven gets alone time with Nick. She tells him the story of the time she caught her boyfriend having sex with another girl. It’s a super detailed story. I’ve seen porn that was less graphic. Raven goes into detail. When asked about the girl her man slept with and how much of the cheating she saw, Raven says, “I saw her vagina.” That had to be some angle she had. It’s hard to see a vagina unless you’re really trying. Those things aren’t just out there. There’s usually a bunch of parts on top, or mixed in there with other stuff. I’m not sure. Again, I’ve never been to Milwaukee.
Raven learned a lot from her vagina-seeing experience. She says that she won’t settle for a man who makes her see vaginas. She wants to find a man to love who doesn’t show her other women’s vaginas. Nick says that he values that in Raven. He gives her a rose. They make slurp faces and do not eat the food prepared for them by hard working Bachelor interns. We do not see Raven’s vagina. Raven tells the camera that she’s falling in love with Nick. It’s been a whole day, so it was inevitable. What the hell took her so long?
The cocktail party is next. Even though Danielle L. already has a rose, she pulls Nick aside for alone time. Her dress is showing even more boob than before. Danielle L. is in it to win it. They should call her Danielle W. Get it? You guys don’t get it. I’m going to die alone.
The other girls are mad about Danielle W’s time-stealing. She’s in the middle of a sentence and is interrupted by Taylor. It’s interupty, but I don’t expect Taylor to give fucks, because she has zero to give. Taylor and Nick sit by the fire, and she says that she’s cold. Wait, I thought she had zero chill? Taylor is a liar.
Corrine and Josephine complain about Taylor. An alliance is forming. They complain about her with their mouths full of food. It’s the first time anyone has ever eaten on this show. Corrine decides that she’s going to confront Taylor. So much confronting. Corrine says, “She’s a fake-ass bitch and I’m calling her out!” Woah! Corrine gets all mad. She says, “I’ve had it up to here.” And she holds her hand up to her eyes, to show how up she’s had it to. That’s pretty up there to have had it. You can’t get much more up than the eyes.
Corrine confronts Taylor and says she’s not nice. Woah. Taylor defends herself. Things are getting good, you guys. The music is super dramatical. Taylor tells Corrine that she doesn’t have the intelligence to be committed to Nick.
Corrine gets mad. She says she’s not stupid. She must have never heard herself talk before. Corrine says, “I’m not stupid. I own a multi-million-dollar company.” I need to know what this company is, like, now. I googled it. It’s her parents’ company. It’s nice to know that it’s in good hands when they retire.
What follows is a bunch of yelling and bleeping. Corrine swears at Taylor. Taylor swears back. Corrine says the most important sentence ever uttered on ‘The Bachelor’. She says, “I cannot even. I literally can’t even. I literally wanted to punch her in the face.” Boy, if her multi-million-dollar company doesn’t work out, she can always write for The New Yorker.
Just as faces are literally about to be punched, ABC slaps the “To Be Continued” on the screen. The show literally ends. I’m going to try extra hard to stay alive for the rest of the week.