If someone hit you in the head with a 2×4, you would know what it’s like to watch ’The Bachelor’. If someone hit you in the head with a 2X4…

If someone hit you in the head with a 2×4, you would know what it’s like to watch ’The Bachelor’. If someone hit you in the head with a 2X4 that had a nail in it, you would know what it’s like the watch ‘The Bachelor – The Women Tell All’. If someone hit you in the head with a 2×4 with a nail in it and then pushed your head into the crotch of a peeing giraffe, you’d know what it’s like to watch ‘The Bachelor – The Women Tell All’ as well as an additional hour of ‘The Bachelor – Fantasy Suite Week’ episode.

Only two weeks remain in Nick Viall’s quest to find a wife. He has dumped 26 women and one Corinne. Last week, we watched him literally have sex with Raven in Finland.

Tonight, he’ll have sex with Vanessa and Rachel, and then probably dump Rachel because we all know she’s the next Bachelorette. Afterwards, Nick’s dumped girlfriends will gather before a studio audience to scream at once. It’s pointless! It’s ‘The Bachelor’!

Chris Harrison calls tonight a very special 3-hour event. That’s like calling it a very special colonoscopy. We begin where we left off, in the Fantasy Suite. You can almost smell the sex on the parts of Raven and Nick, who just got done having the sex. Raven says that they were physical, Nick did a good job and she’s very satisfied. ABC then plays happy music as Raven runs around Finland and celebrates her orgasm. It’s super touching. I hope Raven wins so she and Nick can sit down with their kids and watch the magical day she had her first orgasm. It’s important for families to share.

Rachel’s sex date is next. Rachel is black. Nick is white. ABC shows us more moose so we know the deal. Rachel and Nick go cross country skiing. It’s a great way to determine if the woman you’re with is your future wife. Rachel falls down a bunch. The skiing is on the TV for two solid minutes. We only have 2 hours and 52 minutes to go!

Rachel and Nick go to a lodge. There’s a fire, which is good because it’s freezing and their noses are full of snot. Rachel and Nick make out to spread that snot over each other’s faces. Good thing this is in HD!

Rachel and Nick talk. Why do you read these? Seriously! You could be doing anything.

Rachel admits that she’s scared because she didn’t expect to have feelings for Nick. She’s afraid she’ll be rejected. Boy, is she on the wrong show! I’ve already used too many exclamation points and we still have 2 hours and 50 minutes to go.

Nick tells Rachel that he knows her. I would hope so. He likes her genuine nature. Being genuine usually gets you dumped. Rachel loves Nick, but hasn’t told him yet. She’s so stupid. Always tell someone you love them immediately, even if you’re not sure. Are you guys writing this down?

Nick takes Rachel to a different cabin. What the hell was wrong with the cabin they were just in? There’s a fireplace and a couch. They sit and talk. Thank goodness! There’s hardly been any sitting and talking so far, so I’m glad to see them spice things up with pointless conversation.

Nick talks about how their relationship is strong. Rachel says that she has trouble talking. I’m so riveted by their conversation, I didn’t even notice that I’ve started smoking.

Rachel finally tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him. ABC plays soft ‘Rachel is falling love with Nick’ music. They make out. We watch it. Nick tells Rachel that he’s falling for her. I didn’t think he was allowed to say things like that. I guess it’ll be more fun for everyone when Rachel is eventually dumped.

Nick pulls out Chris Harrison’s sex invitation. Just in case you’re new to the show, the sex invitation is a personal letter written by Chris Harrison to Rachel and Nick inviting them to use a key to a room in which the couple is expected to have sex to make sure their parts are compatible. I’m not making that up. They call it a Fantasy Suite. It’s really an STD suite. My Fantasy Suite would be a room with steak hoagies and a Sega Genesis. ABC and I have different ideas on what a fantasy should be.

Rachel and Nick go to their room to have sex. ABC lets us hear the sounds of them slurping while they show us the Finland sky. This is all so romantic.

It’s the next morning. Keep up! We get to see Nick and Rachel wake up and smooch. It must be so nice for them to share this romantic moment with a couple of camera guys, inches away from their naked bodies. What a sweet fantasy. Rachel wears penguin pajamas. It’s not a commentary. I just thought you’d like to know.

Vanessa’s sex date is next. ABC shows us more moose. I feel like ABC is replacing the moon with moose. What happened to the moon, you guys? Vanessa is anxious because “It’s been a week since I touched Nick.” I’m so glad it’s been forever since I’ve touched Nick.

Nick brings Vanessa to a place that has an outdoor swimming hole. The idea is that they jump into cold water and then go into warm water. I get emotional because this is exactly how my parents determined they were right for each other. Nick and Vanessa strip down to their bathing suits to go outside and jump into very cold water. Nick’s trunks are almost normal. There’s a bunch of screaming. They only stay in the water for 2 seconds and then run to a warm place. Next, they go back to the cold water. I’m confused. They go back to the warm place. It happens a bunch of times. We watch it. I’m pretty sure this can stop your heart. I hope Bachelor medics are ready.

Vanessa says that she’s able to brave the cold because she’s with Nick. He says that he needs a woman who is willing to go through hard times, and Vanessa is proving she’s that woman because she jumped in cold water. I know my marriage has lasted over 13 years because my wife will get into cold water when she’s prompted to by ABC producers who threaten her television career. It’s how you know you’ve found the one.

Vanessa and Nick go to a hot tub. They’re still wearing hats. I really do cover everything in these recaps. The subject of religion comes up. Vanessa goes to church with her family and Nick isn’t really a church guy. It’s a huge red flag on their relationship. Luckily, Vanessa can jump in cold water, so they’ll be fine.

Vanessa is worried that her relationship might suffer from these religious differences. I feel bad for her. This came out of nowhere. I would have just assumed that a guy dating 30 women on TV would be a huge freak for church. Like, I would have thought that he’d be at church all of time. I would have worried that he might have a problem going to church too much. This totally blind-sided Vanessa. You guys were blind-sided too, admit it.

The water part of the date is over, unfortunately. Nick and Vanessa walk over to the fire portion. They sit near a fire to talk about their relationship. Vanessa is nervous because she loves Nick but hasn’t told him yet. She’s stupid too!

Vanessa brings up religious differences again. Nick says that, if he’s married, he wants to do everything together. He says that he’ll religion the fuck out of stuff if his wife wants him to. Vanessa asks Nick if he’d move to Canada and he balks. He doesn’t want to move to Canada, but would consider it for the woman he loves. He doesn’t say that Vanessa is that woman, but the door is open. This is definitely the conversation you should be having a week before asking someone to marry you. First, you milk cows and take silly wedding pictures, then you tie up loose ends like where you’d both live. It’s the natural progression.

Vanessa tells Nick that she only wants to be married once, so Nick better be serious. Boy, who gets married only once? Boring. Nick promises that he’ll only ask Vanessa to marry him if he means it. He’s such a romantic. Most guys wouldn’t make that promise.

Vanessa tells Nick that she loves him. Finally! They make out. It’s very slurpy. Nick says nothing. Nick tells the camera that their relationship would have a ton of conflict they’ll need to figure out. So, he’s not in love. Nick does whip out that sex invitation, because he may as well bump some uglies while he waits to see if he’s gonna fall in love.

Vanessa accepts Chris Harrison’s invitation to have sex with Nick. They go to their hotel room where Bachelor interns have lit 47,000 candles. Those interns work hard. Vanessa and Nick lie on the bed, whisper and make out some more. We’re so lucky ABC lets us see this natural footage of young lovers casting their conflicts aside to exchange fluids. Nick and Vanessa have the sex. As we go to commercial, ABC shows us fake Northern Light footage. It’s not real Northern Light footage. At least the moose were real. Get it together, ABC.

It’s the next day. Keep up. Nick and Vanessa put their clothes on. Vanessa tells the camera that she has discovered that Nick is everything she wants in a husband. So, Vanessa wants a husband who will date other women. Vanessa stands on a balcony to think. We watch it.

Rachel is also thinking. She walks around Finland and thinks about Nick. Rachel is black. It all happens. And we’re not even done there because Raven is also thinking. At first, she stands on the balcony to think. Then, she walks around in the snow to think. That’s some serious thinking Raven is doing.

The rose ceremony is next. I don’t even have to tell you guys how important this rose ceremony is. The woman who doesn’t get a rose will finish in third place. That’s bronze. No one wants bronze.

Nick tells his girlfriends how scared he is to dump one of them. He says he loves all of his girlfriends. He even cries. It’s okay that he’s going to dump someone because he’s following his heart. Nick’s heart tells him to give Raven a rose. I’m sure it also had something to do with her dress showing 76% of her boobs. Nick’s heart also tells him to give Vanessa a rose. Nick’s heart tells him to dump Rachel. I guess he was falling in love with her, but stopped short, like when you’re can’t finish an entire bag of chips.

Nick walks Rachel to the other room to sit her on a couch and complete the dumping. Rachel says that she doesn’t know what to say but talks anyway. She says that she put all of herself out there. Nick says that she’s one of the most incredible women he’s ever met. Boy, is he sure he wants to dump her? He says that it’s hard to say goodbye. He must listen to Boys II Men. Nick tells Rachel that his feelings for her “will never change.” So, I guess he’ll always feel like dumping her. That must be comforting to Rachel.

They go outside. Rachel is black. She didn’t even bring her coat. They’re in Finland in the winter! Give Rachel her coat ABC!

Nick puts Rachel in the dump limo so she can cry. It’s not fair that these idiots get off so easy with dumpings. If you dump a man or woman, you need to sit there and listen to them yell at you for a couple of hours, then answer a hundred times when they ask you why. You shouldn’t get to just push them into a car. If dumping were that easy, everyone would do it, constantly. If dumping were that easy, my wife would have done it by now. She knows how much I’d cry, so she won’t go through with it. It’s my secret weapon, and I’ll never let go of it.

So, Vanessa and Raven are your top two finishers. We’ll find out next week who wins the game show.

But first!

“All of your favorite women are back for ‘The Women Tell All’. Chris Harrison says that and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. None of them were my favorite. I hated them all. The Women Tell All is terrible. It’s a terrible cherry on a terrible sundae. I hate it. A bunch of the girlfriends yell at each other in front of a studio audience of excited cat owners. All will be told. We are about to learn so much all. It’s gonna be totally all-ey.

Chris Harrison announces that Corinne will be here. Everyone claps because Corrine is such a treasure. I wish this segment was live because there would be a chance that a piano could fall on Corinne. I’m sure ABC would edit that out of a taped segment.

Before all is told, we get to watch footage of Chris Harrison and Nick crashing Bachelor watching parties. It’s super fun. Some of the houses they visit have, like, 600 people watching the Bachelor together. What kind of fucked-up people watch this show together? If I could actually get people to hang out with me, I wouldn’t be watching this stupid show.

One of the impromptu stops is a studio where the Backstreet Boys hang out. Apparently, their contract called for more than a single appearance, so we have to watch 14 seconds of the Backstreet Boys grip to their fame. It’s thrilling. Honestly, it’s 14 seconds. ABC dragged Nick and Chris Harrison and a bunch of camera guys and a boom mic guy all the way to this studio to get 14 seconds of useable footage. How boring was this visit? Could it have been more boring than anything else they air? Was it more boring than Vanessa talking about religion? Did the Backstreet Boys give their theories on the Kennedy assassination? Did they grout tile? Answer me!

It’s almost time for all to be told. You guys are probably going nuts, waiting to read all. I swear to God, you’re not ready. There will be so much all. You’re gonna be like, “Whoa, too much all, dude!” And I’m gonna be all, “Nope. Here’s more all.” And you’ll be all, “My eyes are full of all. I can’t take anymore all.” I’ve been drinking.

Chris Harrison introduces a bunch of dumped women while the cat owners cheer. There are big cheers for Corinne because people like terrible things. They should have introduced a giant bucket of throw up to see if it got the same level of applause.

Before the women tell all, ABC shows us footage of things we’ve already seen. How are they going to have time to tell us all when ABC is re-showing stuff from the season? I bet they run out of time before telling us what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction.

We’re reminded that Taylor and Corinne hate each other. This information will be important when everyone is screaming at each other later. I store it away in my brain.

Immediately, people talk about how Corrine took her top off and took a nap. Then, all of the women yell things. I don’t recognize any of these people. They just yell over each other while Chris Harrison fails to gain control of the situation. Chris Harrison is like a wrestling referee from the 80’s. He just stumbles around adding nothing to the production.

One of the women calls Corinne a slob kabob. I can’t wait to use that phrase around the office. It’ll go up there with grown sexy and awko taco. It’s also the only thing I understand in the entire 9-minute segment. I’ve had more luck understanding geese.

Liz is first on the hot seat. The hot seat is where people sit when they’re about to answer questions and tell all. Finally, all will be told. Liz slept with Nick after a wedding before she was on the show. That’ll be who she’s known as for the rest of her life. Truthfully, that’s better than being known as the guy who recaps the Bachelor. At least Liz has sex.

Chris Harrison asks Liz what made her come on the show, as if she just wandered on the set and wasn’t meticulously selected from thousands of women based solely on the fact that she had carnal knowledge of Nick. Liz says she wanted a fresh start with Nick to see if they had a connection. When asked why she didn’t reach out to Nick before the show, she says that she did but Nick was busy. This is so all. A question was asked and answered. I have been told all, y’all.

Liz says that she doesn’t regret coming on the show because her intentions were to find love. She launches into a full Braveheart speech about how people, no matter what they look like or what their past is, deserve to find a man to love them. Liz decided she had 3 more minutes of fame and she was going all in on it. Good for you, Liz. The other girls say something about how Liz builds wells. I couldn’t really understand it because the cat owners were clapping too loud.

Taylor is next in the hot seat. There’s about to be a bunch more yelling. ABC shows us the footage of her battling with Corinne instead of finding true love. We re-watch it. It happens, again. There’s so much yelling. All is loud, yo?

Chris Harrison asks Taylor how she feels watching herself get dumped. It’s a great question. She says it doesn’t feel good. More all is told. The subject changes to Taylor’s feud with Corinne, and how Taylor questioned Corinne’s emotional intelligence. While she explains it, Corinne yells at her. Then there’s more yelling from Taylor. The cat owners in the studio audience yell stuff. The other dumped girlfriends yell stuff. Corinne leaves. Chris Harrison does nothing. There’s more yelling. Corinne comes back with champagne and the cat owners cheer because they love self-obsessed, terrible and entitled people.

Taylor cries a bunch. It’s followed by more yelling. Corinne says that she never said anything bad about anyone and she isn’t struck by lightning. Taylor leaves with nothing solved. It’s incredible. All was told, but the telling of all did not fix anyone’s problems. Sometimes, all isn’t enough.

Corinne gets the next turn on the hot seat. I hope ABC has Purell. It affords me the opportunity to hear more of Corinne’s voice, which is great. I love her voice. It doesn’t remind me at all of a woman in labor.

ABC shows us the stupid footage of Corinne doing stupid stuff during the season. I hate it even more the second time. I hope she gets her own show. I feel like there’s a really good chance that happens. It’ll probably win an Emmy.

So, you see, things can be worse.

Corinne tells us that she didn’t act terrible to hurt anyone. She was just being herself. Corinne skipped the rose ceremony to take a nap because she was having an anxiety attack. All is being told. Corinne makes jokes and everyone laughs because she’s America’s sweetheart. She’s so funny and charming. I hardly want to swallow a boat oar. There is an 11-minute argument about naps. ABC shows the one guy in the studio audience and he’s wearing a ‘Make America Corinne Again’ hat, so I’m pretty much ready for North Korea to do their thing.

One of the girlfriends comes to Corinne’s defense and says that no one should be mad at Corinne because the whole point of the show was for Nick to find love. It’s true. The point was for Nick to find love. That’s why ABC had his girlfriends milk cows and dance with the Backstreet Boys; so he’d find love.

Taylor apologizes for coming across as terrible. Chris Harrison asks Corinne if she has anything to say to Taylor. At first, she says no but then she accepts Taylors apology. It’s a super warm moment. The cat owners clap like peace was just achieved in the Middle East.

When Corinne is done making air pass through her diseased voice box, she has Bachelor interns bring out cheese pasta. So, all wasn’t told but we got to see a bunch of food we can’t eat. During the commercial break, there’s a commercial that steals Rob Base’s ‘It Takes Two’ and changes all of the words because nothing is sacred and we should just give this planet back to the deer.

Kristina is next on the hot seat. I had forgotten she existed. There’s still a fricking hour to go! Kristina told Nick she loved him and had her heart broken. It happens a lot on this channel. Because he cares, Chris Harrison makes Kristina watch her heartbreak on the big screen in front of everyone. It’s super classy.

After the painful scene, Kristina cries. Chris Harrison asks, “What is it about you watching yourself tell that story that made you react the way you just did with tears in yours eyes?” Chris Harrison is the biggest dick that ever lived. Kristina says that she is usually very personal and doesn’t allow herself to be hurt. It was probably a bad idea to go on a televised game show to date a guy who is also dating 29 other women, but I don’t know. I’ve never been on ‘The Bachelor’.

Kristina says that she’s still proud of the woman she’s become. When she speaks of her humble roots as a Russian orphan, Liz gives a speech about how women shouldn’t argue. They should celebrate Russian immigrants. The cat owners all clap because America wins! The audience gives Kristina a standing ovation. You guys gave Kristina a standing ovation too, admit it!

Next up, Nick sits in the hot seat. It’s super hot not because Nick is the Bachelor. A ton of all is about to be told. It’s gonna be hella all-ey. The cat owners scream loud for Nick and his abs.

Nick tells America that Corinne was a risk taker and it helped moved their relationship forward. So, for you kids reading this, make sure you take your top off and act terrible if you want to get ahead in life.


Nick is also asked about Kristina. He says that it was hard to dump her. It’s a nice thing to say. Kristina asks Nick why he dumped her. It’s a fair question. Nick doesn’t really give her a straight answer. Nick refused to tell all. He didn’t even really tell some. Get it together, Nick.

A different girlfriend cries and tells Nick that she’s confused about being dumped. I have no idea who she is. Nick says that he just liked some of his other girlfriends more than this particular crying girlfriend. He apologizes for dumping her. She accepts his apology. See, that’s all!

Dominique asks Nick why he would dump girls immediately after they told him they loved him. He says that he tried his best. His answer is accepted. This is not real life. Nick is also asked if he has found true love, but he’s not allowed to answer because of the ABC lawyers with rifles standing off-stage.

Next up, we see the bloopers! There are so many bloopers, you guys. It’s mega bloopery. Some stuff falls over. A train whistle blows. There’s a bee in the house. I laugh so hard that one of my fillings fall out. There’s always a bunch of bugs in the house in every blooper reel. I think that ABC purposely lets a box of insects loose just for their blooper reel footage. I hope they up their game next year and use snakes.

Next, Rachel sits on the hot seat. She’s black. Rachel is the next Bachelorette, so she’ll get to dump a bunch of people and see what that’s like. I bet it’s hard. Nick says that it’s hard to dump people, and I trust Nick.

Chris Harrison tells us that Rachel is the next Bachelorette because that’s what Bachelor Nation wanted. I don’t remember getting a vote. I would have asked for the show to be cancelled.

Rachel says that it feels good to be the Bachelorette. It’s good that she’s over the heartbreak she suffered a couple of weeks to go and ready to dump her own crop of 29 men. Time heals all wounds.

Chris Harrison asks her if she realizes she could be just months away from being engaged. They act like this show is some sort of perfect carnival ride that is 100% foolproof. Only 2% of the people who hooked up on this show are still together.

Rachel is asked if she’s proud to be the first black Bachelorette. She’s black? Rachel is honored, but doesn’t want it to be the focus of her journey. I’m sure ABC will stop patting themselves on the back for finally having an ounce of diversity on their shitty show. That shouldn’t be a problem.

Nick comes out and congratulates Rachel on being the Bachelorette. Rachel says that she learned a lot from being dumped by Nick and she needed it. She’s so lucky to have been dumped by Nick. You guys wished you got dumped by Nick too, admit it!

We end with preview footage of next week. It’ll be another stupid, pointless 3-hour marathon of tears, slurping, connectyness, abs, non-eaten food, balcony-standing, and proposals. I really can’t wait for it to be over. I’m gonna fill a Consumer’s growler with Peanut Butter Porter and just slam my fists on this keyboard. You’ll get what you get.