This is it. I have no idea why I’m back for one night to recap the worst show in television history, but I can assure you that this is my final recap. I don’t know what Arie has been up to since I dropped him from my life. I can’t tell you anything about his remaining girlfriends because I’ve blocked out everything I’ve seen this season. I can’t tell if this has been the most dramatic Bachelor season ever because I’ve missed most of it. I can tell you that I’ve hated everything that’s happened without even seeing it because Arie is a terrible human being and he’s the temporary star of a terrible show. I’m just keeping it 100. I hate this. Let’s get it over with. This is awful. This is ‘The Bachelor’.
The Bachelor is an easy show to skip because they spend every segment replaying everything that’s ever happened. Becca and Lauren are left. Arie loves them. I’m not sure which Lauren this is because there were 4 Laurens. It really doesn’t matter.
The preview tells us that Arie isn’t sure who to pick. Jason Mesnick tells him not to pick anyone. What is going on? Shut up, don’t answer that because we’ve just jumped to the live studio audience portion hosted by the talentless Chris Harrison. The cat owners scream as Chris Harrison tells us that we’re about to see stuff. He says that Arie is going to go down as the most controversial contestant in history. Every contestant is the most controversial ever. It’s a 30-way tie!
While reminiscing about past seasons, Harrison makes a joke about how terrible Juan Pablo was. Harrison acts like he didn’t hand-select, groom, promote, dramatize and profit off of Juan Pablo’s awfulness. Chris Harrison is a scumbag.
We’re in Peru. Keep up! Arie walks down a Peruvian street and thinks about love. He sits on a mountain, in case that will help him find love. He tells the camera that he’s in love with both Becca and Lauren. Whoa, what did I miss? How can he be in love with two women? I’ve missed a ton, you guys. You jerks didn’t even email me to tell me that Arie loved two women. This is an ambush.
Cameras follow Becca as she walks. It’s super walkly. Walking must be huge in Peru. It’s like everyone is walking. Lauren sits at a table and writes something. I’m so out of practice, I can’t keep up. So much is happening.
Arie walks into a building and starts talking to someone. I don’t know who it is. It might be a therapist. Or his dad. He tells his dad therapist that he loves both women. The guys says, “Good luck.” That’s some solid advice.
Lauren arrives at the dad/therapist building to meet Arie’s parents. I guess it’s his dad and not a therapist, so no one will be professionally helped. That’s a shame. Lauren is nervous. She wants Arie’s family to like her. She says that she hopes she doesn’t screw it up. Maybe there will be a funeral for a dead bird.
The family starts to ask Lauren questions. So I guess they’re like therapists. Lauren says that she has had fun with Arie. I would consider that statement embarrassing, but I have higher standards. The family moves over to a table to eat. Arie’s mom has had some work done on her face, and it was a union job.
Arie’s dad pulls Lauren aside for a private talk. He asks her if she has any hangups about Arie. Lauren has been burned in the past by a fiancé, so she’s nervous about that. I doubt Arie would hurt her. Arie hardly seems like a psychopath who would leave a woman in a desert if she slightly inconvenienced him.
Arie’s family asks Arie if he likes Lauren. He’s told the camera that he loves Lauren, but he tells his sister that it’s been difficult talking to her. There are two sides to this love story.
Arie’s mom talks to Lauren. She makes Lauren cry. Lauren doesn’t want to lose Arie. That’s like not wanting to lose bronchitis. Arie’s mom tells Lauren to stay positive and hope her son doesn’t dump her. It’s wise counsel. Arie’s mom is like if Martin Luther King Jr. had terrible face surgery.
Lauren leaves. Arie’s family says nice things about Lauren. They like Lauren. She didn’t embarrass herself. Arie takes Lauren outside and slurps her face a little. Never leave a girl without licking the inside of her mouth.
It’s the next day. Keep up! Arie meets Becca in the street and slurps on her gums. It’s disgusting. I thought Peru had rules. Becca admits that she’s nervous because she has to meet Arie’s family AND Arie also has another girlfriend. Becca is being stupid. Why would you mind your boyfriend having another girlfriend when you’re in Peru to meet his family who will help determine if he dumps you or proposes to you? Some people worry about the stupidest stuff. Millennials.
Becca and Arie tell the family how they fell in love in Italy. I’m so sick of this story, even though this is the first time I’ve heard it. You guys are sick of it too, admit it.
Arie’s mom talks to Becca. Things are happening. She asks Becca if she can see being engaged. Becca says that she sees a future with Arie and she trusts him. She must be ingesting methamphetamine. Only a crazy drug addict would trust Arie. Arie would push a school bus off a cliff if he saw a dollar under the tire. He’s quite possibly the worst person in the world. This is a world with terrorists and lawyers. He’s that bad. Who would trust Arie? I’d sooner trust a Golden Retriever with my sandwich.
Arie’s dad talks to Becca. He seems like the kind of guy who would make a move on his son’s gameshow contestant girlfriend. He doesn’t do it on camera though, so good for him for showing restraint. Arie’s dad asks Becca if she gets along with Lauren. That’s a good question. No dad has ever asks that. Damn. Good question. Becca kinds of dodges it. She’s a bitch. Answer the question, Becca.
Becca tells the camera what she really thinks of Lauren. Becca says that Lauren is so different from her. She says that “it’s like comparing an apple to a starfish.” Well, both are edible. Only one regenerates parts that are cut off. Is Becca the starfish? If her heart is broke, would it grow back? Who’s the starfish, Becca? Answer me! She won’t. I hate this show.
Becca is angry because she’s sick of hearing about Lauren. She shouldn’t have gone on a TV show where you date a guy dating 20 people if she didn’t feel like hearing about the guy’s other girlfriends. It’s like 10,000 spoons!
We’re back from commercial. ABC shows us a baby alpaca. Where’s the moon, ABC? This is my last recap! I don’t care if it’s daytime! Show me the moon!
Arie is talking to his family about his girlfriends. He has trouble talking to Lauren because she’s quiet. He can see having a life with Becca. Arie’s mom tells him to pick Becca. Arie’s mom is bold. She just put it all out there. Arie’s dad then tells him to pick Becca. Wow, this family is a bunch of assholes. Arie’s sister tells him to pick Becca. I hope I can see Lauren watching this episode back if she gets picked. Thanksgiving is going to be super comfortable. Pricks.
Arie appreciates the back-stabbing input his family gave him. He doesn’t admit to having his mind made up, but he’s ready to go forward. I don’t know where forward is. I hope it’s death. Death sounds awesome right now. Or, at least a nice coma where you can’t watch ‘The Bachelor’.
We’re back to the live audience thing. Chris Harrison is interviewing Caroline, who left the show by saying bad things to Arie. I don’t remember her. Caroline says Arie did something unforgiveable. I have no idea what that was because I didn’t watch, and I’m glad for that. Caroline says that she doesn’t believe Arie is in love with either of them because he’s not capable of love. Caroline thinks what I think. Arie is a psychopath. Arie has a freezer full of dead woodchucks.
Back to Peru. Keep up! There are goats. Arie walks through a field. He’s still thinking about love. I’ve got to get to Peru, with all the goats and contemplation.
Lauren walks up and Arie hugs her. He growls into her shoulder while he hugs her and it sounds like my dog when I scratch the inside of his ear. It’s not as cute when Arie makes the noise.
Arie and Lauren get on a train to go to Machu Picchu. I think that’s like the Peruvian Dave and Busters. Lauren and Arie look at stuff out the train window. Then, they make out. I can’t believe I ever left this show. I’m an idiot. There’s no one else on the train to see Machu Picchu. It must not be a popular tourist destination. Or, it is, and ABC screwed everyone else in the world over by monopolizing a historic site so their STD-ridden idiots could trample around sacred ground. It’s one of the two. It doesn’t matter. No one is watching this show or reading this recap. You guys are jerks.
Arie and Lauren make out a little at the base of Machu Picchu. You can cross that square off your Bachelor Bingo card. They talk about what a wonderful day they’ve had. You know a day is wonderful when it’s not even over and you’re already talking about how wonderful it is. It’s like when you take a bite of a sandwich and you pump your fist because it’s awesome. It’s like that, I think. I don’t know. Guys, I’ve never been to Machu Picchu. Can you guys just relax and read the recap? Not everything is insight.
Arie and Lauren run around and make out in different parts of Machu Picchu. It’s nice that they’re desecrating as many parts as possible. We’re only 51 minutes into this crapfest. My computer doesn’t think crapfest is a word. It underlined it with a red, squiggly line. You’d think my computer would know by now. I’m so glad, for my computer, that I’m done with these terrible recaps. Maybe my computer will respect me because I’m not writing words like “crapfest” and “rapability.”
Arie visits Lauren in her hotel room. They drink alcohol and talk and make out. I prepared for this by drinking a bunch of alcohol myself. I mean, not enough, but gallons. Lauren tells Arie that she’s grateful to be in Peru with him. She thanks Arie for putting up with her inability to be super open on TV. She’s ready to spend her life with Arie. What an idiot. It’s like someone being happy on their way to the electric chair. You’d have to really like being on TV to want to get engaged to Arie. He’s like the bad guy from every 80’s movie. He’s has all the warmth of vacuum cleaner instructions. I’ve pulled stuff out of my ear with more substance than Arie. Every time he kisses one of these twits, he reminds me of a crow eating roadkill.
When they’re done loosening molars, Arie walks Lauren out. They don’t have sex because that was last week. I missed the big sex date. I’m filled with so much regret. Arie tells the camera that, if he had to, he’d propose to Lauren right now. He again says that he loves her. It’s super genuine, like when the toll collector tells you to have a nice day.
We’re back to Chris Harrison in the studio. He has two dumped girlfriends on the couch. One is the other Bekah and I don’t recognize the other. I hate them both. They say nothing. There is no substance. Chris Harrison makes a face as he throws it to commercial and it’s the kind of face you want to punch. If I were a boxer, I would think about Chris Harrison’s face before every match and I’d be a world champion.
Becca’s final date is next. Keep up! It’s raining. There’s so much rain, you guys. Peru must be Spanish for “super rainy.” Arie and Becca carry umbrellas while they meet in the street. They make out, but it’s hard to hear the slurping over the rain. The rain is ruining the slurping, you guys. Life isn’t fair.
Arie and Becca try on Peruvian clothes. They’re cultured AF. Next, they pet alpacas. I feel like I’m in Peru. Arie asks the alpaca if he should marry Becca. The alpaca blinks. That should help.
Arie and Becca journey up to a hill or something. Bachelor interns have set up a picnic of food they won’t eat. Becca asks Arie if he’s nervous about tomorrow, the day where he’ll either dump her or propose to her. I know when I face the prospect of being dumped or engaged, I’m sure to ask the guy how he’s leaning. Arie says that he’s still not sure. Becca thanks him for being honest. It’s hard to feel sorry for these women when they set themselves up so easily to be destroyed.
Arie and Becca talk and there’s talking. Nothing is said. ABC goes to commercial. Aren’t you super happy this is the last recap you’ll ever read? I know I’m glad.
It’s night. Arie visits Becca’s hotel room. Why didn’t he just go there with her? Becca continues to talk and worry about the fact that she could soon be dumped. What a worry wart. Just go with it, Becca!
Arie says that he’s not sure what’s gonna happen. It’s a super sweet thing to say to a girl who’s life hangs in the balance. He shows no sign of concern because he’s a serial killer. Becca gets frustrated because her boyfriend has a girlfriend and she isn’t sure who will win. This girl is super flaky.
Becca pulls out a gift for Arie. Score! Wait, it’s words on paper. Yuk. She wrote something. We’re going to have to hear her read her note. These are the worst. It’s just a love note filled with pictures of their 2-month journey. ABC plays soft, touching ‘Arie and Becca’s Journey’ music. It’s sentimental and pointless. Arie says, “It makes me realize that she could be my person for the rest of my life.” Calling someone “your person” is the kind of thing a mass murderer says. Arie sneaks out at night and stuffs rags into the mouths of sleeping homeless people. I don’t have proof, but you guys totally owe me an apology when it turns out I’m right.
Becca walks off into the night. There’s lightning in Peru. It’s a metaphor, or something. Arie still doesn’t know what he’s going to do and he’s upset about it. Maybe he shouldn’t have dated 28 women at once. I don’t know.
We’re back to the studio. Chris Harrison is joined by the 2nd and 3rd worst people on earth, Ben H. and Jason Mesnick. They talk about how they also screwed up their reality game show dating scenarios. Mesnick says that Arie needs to be Arie. It’s super profound. Jason Mesnick is a pimple. I hate him.
It’s the next day. Keep up. Lauren stands in her hotel room, looks out the window in a robe and drinks her coffee. She’s in full makeup and hair. I know, when I gaze out the window sipping my Peruvian coffee, I make sure that the stylist gets it right first. You don’t want to go gazing out the window, sipping coffee with split ends or pale cheeks.
Next, Arie walks out onto the balcony of his hotel room. He’s sipping coffee and thinking about his journey too! These people are laser focused on love. That must be some kickass coffee. I have got to get to Peru. Their coffee is like Adderall.
Becca sits on a balcony but she’s drinking tea. What an idiot. Becca clearly lost. It’s like my mom always said, tea drinkers finish second. Becca gets her clothes ready to get dumped by Arie.
We flash over to Lauren curling her hair. Keep up! Things are moving fast. Lauren tells the camera that she nervous, but Arie has done everything he can to reassure her. You know, other than dumping his other girlfriend. Everything he can but that. Lauren says that there aren’t even words to describe how much she loves Arie. I find that hard to believe. Has she tried “shit-ton” or “Olympic-sized” or “ginormously” or “super lovingly?” It’s like she’s not even trying.
Arie walks the streets of Peru to think some more. I thought the thinking was done! How is there still more thinking? There’s not enough room on the planet for all this thinking. Now, there’s some kid at MIT who can’t do math because Arie is monopolizing the thinking! This show is destroying our future.
Next comes the bullshit paid segment with diamond whore Neil Lane. Neil Lane is like if Mr. Burns where real and he murdered kids for profit. Neil Lane would walk up behind you at a movie theater and put his penis on your wife’s shoulder. I’d say Neil Lane is a cockroach, but cockroaches actually serve a purpose in the food chain. He’s like headlights on a vacuum. He’s like nutritional information on a Scooter Pie. No one cares. Just fucking kill me.
The dumping moment is here. ABC shows another alpaca. They show the final rose. Arie sits in a field, ready to dump one of his girlfriends. The dump limo arrives and Lauren gets out. Lauren will not win the game show, even though she drank Peruvian coffee. Chris Harrison walks her up a path and acts like he gives a shit about Lauren, even though he doesn’t warn her that she’s about to suffer the most embarrassing moment of her life. Chris Harrison makes Neil Lane look like Gandhi. He’s a shit bird. Chris Harrison is what happens when you let your kids eat chocolate for dinner even after they tell you to fuck off. He’s talent-less and soulless. I’m so glad I’m done with Chris Harrison forever.
Lauren walks up to Arie. She starts to say a bunch of poetic things to Arie about love. Arie’s serial killer face shows actual emotion. He’s actually sad because he knows he’s about to dump Lauren. That doesn’t make him stop her from further embarrassing herself. He’s a dick. This show is just a bunch of dicks. Lauren says that Arie is the love of her life, but he just shakes his head.
Arie tells Lauren that he fell in love with her, but she isn’t the one. She says that she’s confused. You guys were confused too, admit it. Arie says, “I knew that you would be.” That’s all he says. Lauren wishes him the best. Arie walks her out. He’s so comforting. He dumps her. She says she’s confused. He says, “Yeah, I know!” Then, walks her out. I’ve driven over speed bumps with more compassion than Arie.
Lauren stops the walk. She asks why he did that. Arie says he doesn’t know. He apologizes. Lauren says that she still loves him. Arie says that he loves her too. This is all very stupid and confusing. Lauren rides away in her dump limo. As she cries to the camera, Arie sits on a bench and pretends to cry. It’s not convincing. It’s like watching soccer players pretend they’re injured. Sports quota filled. So, Arie has only one girlfriend now. I’m sure this will end well. ABC plays sad ‘Lauren has been dumped’ music.
I can’t believe you read down this far.
We’re back from commercial. The music is super happy because Arie is going to propose to Becca. ABC shows another alpaca, so you know it’s real. Becca meets Arie on the same hill he dumped Lauren. The stench of Lauren’s failure still fills the air.
Becca rips right into her rehearsed love poem thing. It’s really stupid and pointless because she’s talking to a man who has the personality of a dried up well. This would be like clawing the burnt, black remnants of food off the bottom of your oven and telling it you love it.
Arie returns the love to Becca. He gets down on one knee and proposes. It’s super romantic. He says that he’s thought about them as they were old, which shouldn’t have been too hard since he’s like already in his fifties. Becca and Arie slurp faces as an engaged couple. The slurping is twice as loud. Arie even makes growling noises as he slurps because he’s the creepiest person ever. Arie asks Becca when they should start having babies. It’s very fitting that such a creepy moment happens the night after a movie about fucking fish wins an Oscar.
The game show is over, but the show isn’t. There’s still an hour left. Chris Harrison teases that there’s drama to come and I’m sure it’s just as stupid as the rest of the season.
We’re back to the studio. The cat owners scream with glee. Chris Harrison throws it to video footage of Becca and Arie as a happy couple. They say that they’re still in love and that their journey has been amazing. We see footage of the amazingness. It’s super amazingy.
We get to watch super real footage of Arie and Becca playing board games and doing dishes. It so real, I can’t even take this. I watch TV to escape, not to experience realness. Stop being real, ABC. Stop keeping it 100.
The realness continues. Arie tells the camera that he’s still thinking about Lauren. He says that he still has feelings for her. He says it’s not fair to Becca to be in a relationship when he’s not all the way in it. Arie walks in the rain while thinking about what he has to do. He tells the camera that he’s made a mistake and he needs to break off the engagement. Whoa! This was totally unpredictable and has only happened a couple other times on the show!
Chris Harrison sits down with Arie. They discuss how the break up will go down. Because Chris Harrison is not an asshole and cares very much for Becca, he doesn’t tell her that she’s about to be dumped. Instead, he lets her think her life is still happy and he ambushes her with a camera. Chris Harrison acts like he has nothing to do with this bullshit. Keep in mind, I don’t really care or have sympathy for a person who would go on this show, but that still doesn’t change the fact that Chris Harrison is a prick. Harrison says that they’re gonna show the break-up footage unedited, as if this show has ever edited anything before. We watched people taking about nothing for hours, there’s never been editing.
Arie walks up to dump Becca. He asks her how she’s doing. It’s always good to start a dumping with small talk. Because there is no editing, we see camera guys position themselves to film the dumping. It’s super real, you guys.
Arie tells Becca that he’s still thinking about Lauren. You guys were still thinking about Lauren too, admit it. Becca asks Arie if he wants to get back with Lauren. Arie says he does. Becca asks if he’s fucking kidding her. ABC bleeps out the fucking part. They’re jerks.
Arie says, “You always say guard your heart.” Hey, they stole that line from Casey Mumbles. Arie continues to dump Becca and treats her like it was her fault. He basically acts like he’s doing her a favor by dumping her. He says he doesn’t want to be half in with Becca because that’s not fair to Becca. Becca asks Arie if he’ll be half in with Lauren. It’s a great question. You go, Becca. Arie doesn’t have a good answer so Becca swears again. If I were her, I’d walk away at this point, but I’m not Becca. I’ll never be Becca, you guys.
Arie says that he was conflicted in Peru. Becca says that he shouldn’t have gotten engaged if he was conflicted. This Becca has great points. She should be a judge.
Arie continues to talk. There is just so much talking. Thank goodness ABC didn’t edit this because I’m getting so much out of this unedited footage. There’s a reason there is editing in the world. Kids, let this be a lesson to you; if you create a dating game show, edit the shit out of it, because this is torture.
Arie dumps Becca. It’s over. We go back to Chris Harrison in studio. He says, “That is a lot to take in, but there’s a lot more to this.” And, as he says this, a couple of the cat owners cry out in surprise because they’re stupid.
We’re back from commercial and apparently the dumping is not over. Arie is still dumping Becca. It’s still super unedited. Will someone please jump in and edit??!!! We’re just watching two people sit there as a dumping takes place. It’s not even emotional anymore. It’s boring. Finally, Becca gets up and walks away. Camera guys are super respectful by following her into her bedroom as she packs. These guys are pros.
Arie follows her into the bedroom because he’s a serial killer. Becca gets mad and wants him to go. He says that he’ll leave. He doesn’t leave. Becca says she’s not going to hug him and makes it clear she wants him to go away. Arie stands there because he’s the kind of guy who finds an injured deer in the woods and tortures it some more before it dies. After four minutes of silence, he asks if he should leave. Becca tells him, again, that she wants him to leave. Guess what, guys? He DOESN’T LEAVE! He’s the creepiest. I’ve seen dolls without eyes that were less creepy than Arie.
Finally, after an eternity of nothing, Arie leaves. Becca goes into a room and cries. Camera guys make sure to stand outside the door of this room to tape nothing because they profit from misery. Again, I don’t feel bad for Becca because anyone who goes on this show is an idiot, but it’s still shitty.
I should note, ABC has shown this whole breakup segment in split screen. Half the screen is Arie’s and half is Becca’s. It doesn’t help, but this is a recap so you guys should know.
After 11 minutes of Becca crying in a bathroom, Arie walks back to her because he’s the Jason Vorhees of dumping people. He never leaves. Arie knocks on Becca’s door to make sure she’s okay and she begs him to leave again. This is painful. Arie sits on a couch in the other room while Becca cries. He looks about as emotional as a statue.
What follows is 8 more minutes of Becca crying and snotting all over the place while Arie sits on a couch without an expression. I would have given my life savings for an editor to have edited this. Why didn’t ABC edit this? Is there an editor shortage? Should more kids go to college for editing so we can have edits? Kids! Edit!
Arie walks back to Becca because we haven’t suffered enough. She tells him again to go away. He doesn’t. ABC cuts back to the studio. I thought I hated this show enough, but we’ve reached new levels of hate. I feel like I hated a bunch, but then huffed and puffed like Hulk Hogan to find room for more hate. I’m berserker hating at this point.
ABC goes back to Arie chasing around Becca to talk. He just dumped the woman and isn’t satisfied with the level of hurt. He should ask if she has cuts to salt. This is like stabbing someone and then jumping up into the ambulance to follow them to the emergency room so you can choke them a little.
Becca keeps crying. Why can’t Bachelor interns give her water? She’s going to dehydrate. Like, six more times Becca asks Arie to go but he doesn’t. He even says “okay” and doesn’t go. Guys, I write a lot of words about this show and try to give you an accurate depiction, but I can’t even touch this episode. It’s impossible to describe how awkward and bad it is. It’s just been 45 minutes of Becca crying while Arie sits there without emotion. I’m so glad I’m done.
Arie finally leaves. I think I’ve typed that a bunch of times. He gets into a limo, so it’s probably over. ABC camera guys stay classy by remaining 4 feet from Becca’s face while she helplessly cries. They do not offer her a tissue, even though she’s covered in snot. They also don’t stop filming.
We cut from that terrible footage to live footage of Becca sitting next to Chris Harrison. I’d rather sit next to a guy who just dumped me than phony Chris Harrison. The cat owners applaud Becca because they love her pain. Chris Harrison, who has had months to prepare questions for Becca, asks, “How was that?” He doesn’t make the big bucks for nothing. His second question is “What was your emotion?”
If a meteor destroys the earth, I’ll die happy knowing it took out Chris Harrison too. Becca says that, if she ever talks to Arie again, she has tons of questions. Chris Harrison promises she’ll see Arie again. He then announces there will be another 2-hour show tomorrow night. It’ll be live. I probably won’t be. I do hope they show Lauren watching footage of Arie’s family throwing her under the bus.
Two shows wasn’t in the cards, folks. I’m done. Thank you for reading my recaps all these years. I feel like a panda in a room full of brown bears, and no one will ever steal my sparkle. It’s only fitting that my run ends on an incomplete note. Ess okay. I guess you can say, dot dot dot.