Tonight, Juan Pablo will find true love. That’s the promise ABC made us 10 long episodes ago. We have suffered through tears, roses, helicopter rides, caves, ocean sex and a solid 11 hours of footage of a Venezuelan man’s tongue. Our reward? A 3-hour finale that is sure to contain about 7 minutes of actual content. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.
Juan Pablo is down to two girlfriends. It’s almost criminal. I know some normal guys without abs or accents who have two girlfriends. Poor Juan Pablo. Nikki and Clare are left to compete for the role of Juan Pablo’s 6-month girlfriend.
I’m especially excited about tonight because Clare has been hinting all season about showing us her ‘Dead Dad’ DVD. It’s video footage of her dad addressing the man she will eventually marry. There’s no way ABC let her on the show without signing a piece of paper promising to release said ‘Dead Dad’ footage.
Here we go!
We begin with footage of Juan Pablo’s journey that we’ve already seen. They have three hours to fill so, we need to pace ourselves. Pace yourself, you guys! We’re getting Andi footage. Andi dumped Juan Pablo because he’s conceited and self-centered. It took her this long to figure that out about a guy dating dozens of women. Anyway, why the hell are they showing Andi? That’s old news! Show us new news, ABC! Fuckers!
Next, they preview both Clare and Nikki crying. They’re not just crying. They’re ‘Bachelor’ crying. It’s not Grown Sexy.
Chris Harrison comes out in front of a live studio audience, for some reason. He promises the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history. I’ve been promised this before. Just to make sure I’m good and angry, they have a bunch of former contestants on set to talk and use words and stuff. My goal, in the next three hours, is to become angry enough that I sweat blood. I hate this show.
Sharleen, the Opera singer, is one of the people on the panel. She’s a panda in a live studio audience full of brown bears.
Harrison says that Juan Pablo has promised a big surprise and they’re all dying to know what it is. Maybe they should have watched their hours of footage. Chris Harrison admits that it’s debatable whether or not Juan Pablo was on the show for the right reasons. Oh my God! It has never been questioned whether or not the Bachelor/ Bachelorette was here for the right reasons! It’s a paradox. We’ve reached the nexus of the universe!
Next, we’re in St. Lucia. Keep up! The first three words Juan Pablo says are, “Aye, aye, aye.” I think this sweating blood thing is going to happen. We get ocean footage. No one is having sex in the St. Lucia ocean. What’s the point? Juan Pablo’s family hangs out. His daughter, Camila, is there. The question is, is Camila there for the right reasons??!!!! The funny thing is, you guys, when you think about it, I’m not here for the right reasons. I watch this show for all of the wrong reasons. I feel like a hypocrite.
Clare has the first ‘family meeting’ date. While Juan Pablo talks about introducing Clare to his family, ABC shows us a live ‘Look-in’ window of audience members watching the show. We’re watching people watch the show we’re watching. Who does this benefit?
Juan Pablo says that he really likes Clare. He says, “I’m going to keep an eye on Clare to see how she interacts with my family.” For Clare’s sake, I hope she doesn’t try to have sex in the ocean. Camila is right there. For what reasons, I’m not sure.
Clare is excited to meet Juan Pablo’s family. She says, “I couldn’t be more thrilled.” That doesn’t make much sense. Wouldn’t winning the game show be more thrilling then this certain stage of the game show? Will she not be more thrilled to marry Juan Pablo? After Clare meets Juan Pablo’s family, is she going to walk away completely content because she fulfilled all of her desires? Will Clare pull a David Robinson? (Sports quota filled)
Clare is falling in love. If you’re scoring at home, falling in love is the right reason! Clare meets Juan Pablo’s daughter, Camila. Her words, “How adorable was Juan Pablo with his daughter? So hot. I feel like it makes him that much sexier.”
That really happened. She got girl-bothered by the sight of Juan Pablo’s daughter. That’s just about the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. The family eats on TV. Clare is impressed with how Juan Pablo feeds his daughter. I gotta admit. It’s super hot. The dinner conversation revolves around how many kids Clare wants to have. The agreed upon number is three. Juan Pablo says that he wants more than three if one of them isn’t a boy.
Clare has a chat with Juan Pablo’s mother. Mom throws Juan Pablo under the bus calling him hyperactive and rude. Clare is glad Juan Pablo is rude because she needs to hear the truth sometimes. That’s really what she said. This is making me uncomfortable. Clare is really, really excited about her rude boyfriend. I have this whole domestic violence scene playing out in my head right now. I’m not getting angry at this show. I’m getting embarrassed.
Clare tells Juan Pablo’s brother that she’s in love. We still haven’t seen the ‘Dead Dad’ DVD yet. Juan Pablo’s brother asks Clare if she’ll hold the relationship together when Juan Pablo tries to ruin it. That really happened. I haven’t even had the chance to make things up yet. Juan Pablo’s dad tells Clare that he’ll love her forever no matter what happens. In an Alfred Hitchcock movie, that would be foreshadowing.
When the family crap is over, Juan Pablo and Clare make out. It’s slurp-rific. My computer doesn’t think that ‘slurp-rific’ is a word. Clare can’t wait to join Juan Pablo’s family.
Next we get a check-in with the pointless live studio audience. Like a Roman emperor, Chris Harrison asks the crowd who they favor, Clare or Nikki. The crowd chooses Nikki. Crowds are never wrong. Especially crowds that yell “Shoot” during hockey games. (Bonus sports reference)
Nikki meets Juan Pablo’s family next. ABC shows a horse in the ocean. HORSES GO IN THE OCEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Nikki brings Juan Pablo’s family the same flowers that Clare brought. I’ll bet ABC gave them flowers to give to the family, like my dad used to buy Mother’s Day gifts for my mom and I’d sign the card.
Nikki is from Kansas City. Juan Pablo’s brother asks, “You’re from Kansas?” And I’m all, “I know! Why is Kansas City in Missouri?!” It’s weird, you guys. Not as weird as saying that you want to have sex with a guy even more because you saw him with his daughter but, it’s plenty weird for me.
Hey, I hope you like reading because we’re only 20 minutes into a 3-hour show. Keep up!
Juan Pablo’s dad doesn’t offer unconditional love to Nikki. I don’t think Juan Pablo’s dad is here for the right reasons. He warns Nikki that Juan Pablo is a terrible person and that his son is very selfish. Nikki tells dad that she is cool with not being important for the rest of her life. I like Juan Pablo’s dad. I hope he’s the next Bachelor. I’ll bet he has ‘Dad’ abs.
Juan Pablo’s mom and her horrible teeth talk to Nikki next. I can’t understand a single thing she says. Nikki keeps nodding. It’s a conversation, I guess. Juan Pablo’s brother warns Nikki that his brother is selfish and will leave her at the drop of a hat. He really says that. Nikki says that she’s looking forward to getting in fights with Juan Pablo when they’re married. I can’t believe this is all happening. We have found the two women in the country with the least amount of self esteem. How come all of the women I meet have self esteem? It’s not fair. I’m a panda in a room full of self-esteem bears.
After the family crap, Juan Pablo takes Nikki outside and pipe-cleans her lungs with his tongue.
Chris Harrison talks to the studio audience next. People predict the outcome. It’s awesome television. Then, Harrison talks to “Bachelor alumns.” He calls them “Bachelor alumns.” I’m pretty sure an ‘alumn’ is a college graduate. Do you get a degree when you leave ‘The Bachelor’? What do you major in, being there for the wrong reasons? Jumping off of yachts? Drinking incredible amounts of alcohol? Warning people how many roses are left? Climbing up stuff to prove love? Acting stupid to make a first impression? Don’t answer me.
Anyway, Bachelor contestants talk. Dog woman talks. Everyone’s favorite ‘Non-virgin’ couple, Sean and Catherine, talk. It’s Grown Sexy. While Catherine rambles and makes no sense, one of the women in the audience nods approval. I laugh hard enough to hurt something.
Before Clare’s final date with Juan Pablo, Chris Harrison warns us that it’s nothing we’ve ever seen before. I guess that means we won’t watch 11 minutes of tongue sex. Clare and Juan Pablo GET ON A HELICOPTER!!! The helicopter ride is going fine until Juan Pablo says something terrible to Clare. Clare says that, while the cameras were off, Juan Pablo said something sexually offensive and insulting to her. She says that she was treated like an object and that she’s confused.
Now, I’m confused because, cameras are always on. Even when these people are in helicopters, the cameras are rolling. You can’t tell me that they don’t have footage of Juan Pablo being a pig. That means one of two things; it was so bad they couldn’t show it or they’re making all of this up for fake drama. My guess is that this is all being made up. I’m not sure. I don’t really care so I’m not going to take too much time thinking about it.
Clare wants answers. I want her to get answers because I want to see her ‘Dead Dad’ DVD. She’s not showing her dad’s message to a pig. Straighten up, Juan Pablo! There’s a conversation next. It’s long. There are words. Some of them are hard to understand. A part of it is Juan Pablo telling Clare that there are things he doesn’t like about her.
Juan Pablo scolds Clare for blaming him for their make-out session. He brings up her lack of control in Vietnam oceans while wagging his finger at her. It’s a fair point. It takes two to tango. It also takes two to have sex in the ocean in Vietnam. That’s not entirely accurate. You could have sex by yourself in the ocean in Vietnam. I mean, I could. Not if people were watching. Wait, how high is the water? Am I chest-deep? Are there sharks? I don’t think I could have sex with myself in the Vietnam ocean if there were sharks. Anyway, Juan Pablo is talking to Clare about the babies they’re going to have and now she’s super happy again. Forget about the horribly offensive stuff he said that wasn’t captured on camera. He’s a really good guy because he wants to put babies inside of Clare, you guys. He’s going to put three babies inside of her unless those babies are all girls, in which case, there will be additionally babies until a boy baby is produced. You have no idea.
They hug. Clare is delusional. I feel really bad for the people in the room with her while she’s watching this back. They’re gonna be all, “Soooo… Hey. Look at the time!”
Nikki’s final date is next. Boobs. Nikki is wearing a bikini. When she greets Juan Pablo, he looks down at her chest and says, “Someone is very ready.” And she says, “I am.” That happened. At least we caught the offensive thing on camera this time.
They sit on a boat and talk. There’s talking. Nikki is in love and wants her love interest to also be in love. They talk about life after romantic St. Lucian beaches. Juan Pablo says that he has a TV and he’s probably going to watch TV by himself a lot. Nikki agrees. Honestly, I’m not making any of this up.
Back at the hotel, Nikki tells Juan Pablo that she loves him. She wants him to say it back but he promised ABC that he wouldn’t. Plus, he doesn’t. Four seconds after she declares her love, Juan Pablo gets up and leaves. It’s Grown Sexy. Nikki cries alone in her St. Lucian hotel. Well, Clare’s dad is there too.
The rose ceremony is next. Cameras capture the girls getting dressed, putting on makeup and standing on balconies to think. It’s important. There’s 4 straight minutes of ‘thinking’ footage. Everyone is thinking. Were you guys thinking? I was totally thinking.
Clare shows up first. The first person to show up is always the one who has been dumped. So, Clare is dumped. No ‘Dead Dad’ DVD. I hate this show. Chris Harrison guides Clare down a path to be dumped. A lot of people will call Juan Pablo a jerk after this season. No one will mention how Chris Harrison knowingly watched it happened and encouraged it to make his show more successful.
They let Clare talk first to make sure her dumping is as uncomfortable as possible. She says poetic love stuff. Juan Pablo dumps her. She yells at Juan Pablo while ABC pipes in live studio cheering. Juan Pablo tries to explain himself but she walks away. She says, “What I just went through. I would never want my children to have a father like you.” Juan Pablo says, “Okay.” He did.
Clare runs off and hugs Chris Harrison. Um… Clare. Chris Harrison is the guy who made you go through all of this. Do you really think ABC would have let Juan Pablo send you home so they could lose money by not having a finale? Do you really think ABC would say, “Essokay, we don’t need a finale.” You’re hugging the enemy Clare. You’re hugging the enemy while you’re dad watches you hug the enemy.
As Harrison walks Clare away, Juan Pablo says, “I’m glad I didn’t pick her.” The audience groans. It’s Groan Sexy. America hates Juan Pablo. Clare gets on a boat and cries about her lost Venezuelan lover. She’s super mad about the fact that she went on a game show to date a guy who was dating 24 other women and that guy wasn’t sincere. I hate this show.
Chris Harrison tells us that his heart goes out to Clare. I’ll bet his heart was really going out to her as he was watching the season unfold and enthusiastically fist-pumping the air at the thought of how good his ratings were going to be thanks to Clare’s pain. Not that I care about Clare. She signed up for this. I’m on nobody’s side. Keep up!
Nikki’s ending is next. They skipped the annual ‘Neil Lane’ diamond scene. I feel cheated out of the 4-minute commercial for ‘Neil Lane’ diamonds. Chris Harrison walks Nikki down a quarter-mile dirt path to meet Juan Pablo. She’s wearing 47-inch heels. Do they not have concrete in St. Lucia?
ABC acts like Juan Pablo is about to propose to Nikki. He does not. He blames Nikki’s dad on not proposing. He says that he’s not 100% sure and Nikki’s dad told him to be 100% sure. He says, “I like you a lot. A lot.” Juan Pablo gives her a rose. She takes it. Nikki wins the game show. They make out. A lot. Nikki is super happy less than 12 hours after crying by herself on a couch.
I don’t think it’s fair that the dinosaurs were naturally selected to be wiped off the face of the Earth in a hail of fire and we’re allowed to roam free despite our ‘Bachelor making’ tendencies.
The ‘After the Final Rose’ show is next. Chris Harrison promises answers. He doesn’t promise any ‘Dead Dad’ DVD footage. I am disappoint.
Clare is first on the hot seat. She just watched the worst thing she’ll ever watch. Chris Harrison’s first question is, “Was that hard to watch?” She struggles through a long ‘yes’ answer. Chris Harrison asks, “Why?” Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Harrison is the Walter Cronkite of slutty reality TV.
He asks Clare to tell America what offensive thing Juan Pablo said on the helicopter. She’s too classy to do that. Plus, her dad is listening. Clare refuses to talk to Juan Pablo. The audience cheers. They don’t really cheer that loud, to be honest. I’ve heard these cat owners cheer and it’s usually ‘Arrowhead Stadium’ loud. They love their Clare but, it’s subdued. I think everyone is tired of this terrible television program. Except Chris Harrison. He does an M&M commercial. Arrowhead stadium is in Kansas City, Missouri. There is no way anyone could have read down this far.
Juan Pablo is next on the hot seat. It’s super hot because America hates Juan Pablo. I hate him too, you guys, but I hated him before everyone else. I hipster hated him. While Juan Pablo rambles about how much fun he had and how tough it was to dump women, the celebrity contestants look angry. Chris Harrison interrupts Juan Pablo while he’s talking and Juan Pablo gets mad. So, interrupting Juan Pablo is not essokay.
Juan Pablo has no regrets about how he treated Clare. Chris Harrison makes it clear how un-cool that is. Chris Harrison doesn’t stand for this kind of disrespect… even though he helped to orchestrate it.
Nikki is next. She’s still dating Juan Pablo. Juan Pablo hasn’t told her that he’s in love with her yet. Chris Harrison makes a big deal out of this because he’s an American hero. I hate this show.
Juan Pablo joins Nikki. Essokay. Chris Harrison tries to make Juan Pablo uncomfortable about not loving Nikki. This Harrison dude is hammering Juan Pablo for not playing ball. He wants America to hate Juan Pablo. Chris Harrison is not cool with Juan Pablo for not loving Nikki. They show big religious Sean in the crowd and Sean wants to punch Juan Pablo for his un-lovingness. How fast time flies. Just ten weeks ago, Sean was giving Juan Pablo make-out lessons. Now, he wants to punch him. Aye, aye, aye.
What follows is Juan Pablo staunchly refusing to say, out loud, that he loves Nikki. Chris Harrison is making a scene about his refusal to say “love”. Nikki is sitting here through the whole thing. It wouldn’t be a big deal if Harrison wasn’t making it a big deal. There’s a commercial break and then more of uncomfortable ‘Juan Pablo won’t say he loves Nikki’ talk. Chris Harrison is mean and nasty, you guys. He’s a polar bear in a room full of brown bears. In case you’re not a bear expert, polar bears are the meanest and nastiest bears.
Juan Pablo rambles about people who say mean things to him with their computer. I can’t blame him for that. Those people are cowards.
Chris Harrison announces that Andi the Assistant District Attorney is the next Bachelorette. She dumped Juan Pablo after he tried something controversial in their sex suite. Now, she’ll get to try something controversial with her three boyfriends in their sex suite. It’s the American Dream. Andi says that she’s speechless and then talks for 4-minutes.
Andi says that she puts gang members behind bars. She cleans up America while wearing hot pants. I feel sorry for gangs. Who could contend with hot pants? I have no opinion of Andi. It’s a good thing that I don’t have to type 3,000 words about her every week for 3 months. She’s my second-least favorite Bachelorette behind Ashley H. No one can ever catch Ashley H. for least favorite-ness.
The show is over. About 90% of the celebrity panel they invited onto the show to talk, didn’t talk. My tax dollars paid for that celebrity panel. ‘The Bachelor’ is inefficient.
This was a long season. I’m hoping I can get Clare’s ‘Dead Dad’ DVD on Netflix. Thank you for reading my recaps. I truly appreciate your time. I have to be completely honest with you. I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why you would want to read this. I’m usually very proud of what I do. These recaps are terrible. I hate my recaps. In a room full of brown bears, my recaps are a Bruin. Third sports reference. Boom.
Greg Bauch does words words words… stop acting like you care or read down this far.