Tonight’s episode of the Bachelor is terrible. These recaps are terrible because the show is terrible. On that note, let’s welcome our new sponsor, Consumer’s Beverages! It’s only fitting that a place that sells alcohol would sponsor show recaps the details of the lives of gorgeous, stupid people who stab each other in the back and pretend like they’re in love in order to stay on television as long as possible!
Anyway, Ben Something is still looking for his wife. He has 20 girlfriends. Tonight, he will date his 20 girlfriends and then dump three of them. It’s a little process we call “love.” It’s The Bachelor!
Things start off quickly. A bunch of Ben’s girlfriends stand on the balcony of their mansion and yell, “We’re coming for you, Ben!” It’s always good to warn people when you’re coming for them. Next, we get footage of Ben putting on pants and checking his hair while he talks about his journey to find love. After all of that heavy lifting, Ben sits in a chair, sips from a mug and stares off into the distance to think more about love. He’s so much thinking about love, you guys. This guy is super serious about love. You can tell by the way he thinks about it.
Back at the mansion, the girls get their date card. It’s a group date, which means Ben will date a bunch of his girlfriends at once. It’s like reaching in and grabbing a bunch of chips from the bag and then shoving them all into your mouth at once. Don’t re-read the sentence, it’s exactly like that. Don’t even think about it. Just trust me.
The girls ride in a limo while sipping champagne, even though it’s, like, 10 in the morning. Ben tells the camera that he wants the day to be goofy and fun. I’ll bet it’s so goofy, you guys. I can’t even. So much goofiness is about to happen. I’m trying to mentally prepare for it and I just can’t.
They meet up on the football field of a high school. It’s already totally goofy, guys! The girls are walking into the high school when, all of the sudden, Chris Harrison addresses them on the loud speaker. Holy Moly! So, goofy! Chris Harrison tells the girls they have to go to class and learn, then a bell rings and they have to run to lockers and rush to science and it’s so goofy and Ben is really getting to know his potential wives really well with the way they’re all nowhere near each other and not at all talking.
ABC plans a series of Bachelor High School games. The first game is science class. The girls have to make volcanoes. Chris Harrison snickers and says, “The first team to make Ben’s volcano explode, wins.” Get it? It’s sexual innuendo! Chris Harrison is the worst.
The second game is lunch. The girls have to bob for apples and pass them along to each other with their chins. I’m learning a ton. Ben is going to really use this information if he eventually marries one of these girls.
Next comes geography. The girls are forced to place states on a map of America. They do so terrible, you guys. They don’t know their states! This is so goofy! The National Championship of college football is on another channel. I’ve made poor life decisions.
Gym is next. What the hell is going on? This is a date! Ben’s girlfriends must make a basketball free throw. Sports quota filled. Aren’t you glad you’re sponsoring this, Consumer’s? Good thing they only gave us a 6-pack of Natty Lights.
Track is next. It’s a lot like gym. I guess there’s no math requirement at Bachelor High School. The girls run in bare feet while hurdling 1-foot hurdles. There is slow-motion camera footage. Crazy dentist lady who is not really crazy wins the competition, narrowly beating out Amber, who also hurdled and volcanoed. Dentist is crowned Bachelor High Homecoming Queen. That’s gonna look great on a resume.
After the total goof-fest, the ladies follow Ben to one of the 27,000 top floor balcony pools in the LA area. That place is crawling with prime make-out destinations. The girlfriends are all gussied up and looking good. I might even learn some of their names.
Becca pulls Ben aside to shoot more basketball. So much sports! They talk about stuff. Cameras are there. Becca tells Ben she used to be scared to open up because of her virgin crotch. Ben thanks her for being nice and sweet.
Jennifer pulls Ben aside and says 4 words and he doesn’t even listen. He just snags her face with his face and makes out with her. (One Bachelor Fantasy point for Jennifer!)
Lace didn’t just make out with Ben so she’s super upset. She complains about her non-makeoutedness. She seems really nice and not at all like a girl who would set your stuff on fire and be convinced that it’s your fault.
Lace pulls Ben aside and acts nice. She apologizes for being an evil person after the first rose ceremony. Ben admits to being concerned, but accepts Lace’s apology. They talk and there’s talking. Lace has crazy eyes and loves staring at Ben. She likes his eye contact. She says that they’re almost eye *bleeping*. My parents do that a lot at dinner. Right before another makeout session happens, Lace is interrupted. No making out Fantasy points for Lace. She does get a point for pretending like she’s happy.
Ben sits with Jubilee. We hear, “It’s important to me to have this time with no distractions”, from a guy with 20 girlfriends and a camera crew in his face.
Jubilee tells Ben that she was adopted from Haiti and it’s been tough. ABC plays soft music while Jubilee tells her Haiti story. It’s like a Haiti soundtrack. After the Haiti story, Ben makes out with Jubilee. I know I can’t help but suck face with a woman moments after she tells me she’s been adopted from Haiti. Nothing gets me hotter than 3rd world adoption stories.
Lace sits on a couch and complains. The other girls don’t like Lace’s complaining. They belittle her. Lace is the one everyone hates. That gets her 5 more points!
Lace isn’t going to let the other girls ruin her chance at love with Ben. She says that to the camera, so we know it’s true. She goes to Ben. Ben and Lace talk about how great it will be to discuss things and get to know each other better. They repeat something similar. All they’re talking about is how great it will be to get to know each other better. I hate this show.
Ben brings some other girl up to a helicopter pad to make out. My wife freaks out because the helicopter pad has no railings and they can fall off the side. If that did happen, would the other 19 girlfriends be more upset that Ben died, or that they wouldn’t be able to be on TV much longer? How long do you mourn a boyfriend you hardly know and who had 19 additional girlfriends? Do you even go to the funeral? It doesn’t matter. They don’t fall.
Ben makes out a ton with his girlfriend on their helicopter pad. I don’t know her name, but they make out like horny teenagers. With the city lights in the background, it’s an incredibly romantic moment. It’s just Ben and the girl who’s name I don’t know and a camera guy and an additional camera guy who captures other angles and a sound guy, and probably a Bachelor producer and the caterers and Claire’s dad. So romantic, you guys.
Ben finishes making out on a helicopter pad. No helicopter arrives. It’s a big ripoff. He sits on a couch with his girlfriends to give out the group date rose. Ben thanks Jubilee for her honesty. Honesty? She told him she was adopted. That qualifies as honesty? Despite being honest, Jubilee doesn’t get the rose. It goes to Jo-Jo.
It’s the next day. Keep up! The girls sit around the mansion. Caila is waiting for her date and the proper spelling of her name. Caila says the word “connection.” She gets a point.
Just as things couldn’t get any more exciting, Ice Cube and Kevin Hart walk in the door. Chris Harrison acts like they’re old friends and that Ice Cube and Kevin Hart are just there to help Ben find love and not at all interested in plugging their piece of crap movie. Ben is excited to have help from Ice Cube. He says, “Ice Cube has done everything from acting to rap.” That’s some range!
Ice Cube and Kevin Hart pull Ben aside to give him advice on the upcoming date. Just three bros hanging out. It’s a Bro-deo. (Copyright 2016. All ‘Bro-deo’ rights belong to Greg Bauch, care of Trending Buffalo)
Ben, Caila, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube jump in a convertible to drive around. It’s a great date. Ben’s really going to get to know Caila with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart around.
The guys make Ben buy flowers for Caila. They make jokes about how weird it is that two black guys are in a car with two white people. I have to admit, it’s totally off the hook. I can’t even. They stop at the store to buy stuff. Ice Cube recommends that Ben buys a drink that black people generally drink more than white people would. You guys, there are so many differences between white people and black people. This date is really opening my eyes.
I remember, when I was an 11-year old kid in South Buffalo, listening to N.W.A., being afraid of Ice Cube. Like, I thought, “I would never want to run into Ice Cube on the street because he’d bust the cap in me!” What happened to that man?
Next, they go to a hot tub store. Luckily, Ben and Caila brought their bathing suits! How did they know there would be a hot tub? They weren’t carrying bags. I’ll bet poor Bachelor interns had to lug their bathing suits around.
Kevin Hart jumps in the hot tub with them and takes his draws off. It’s so goofy. Are you still reading this? I have a headache. Up until this moment, Ben and Caila have said not one word to each other.
You’re not going to believe this, but during the commercial break there was a commercial for a new movie and both Ice Cube AND Kevin Hart are in it!!! What a coincidence!
After the fun, Caila and Ben go to a restaurant. Luckily, no other human being eats at that restaurant, because it’s completely empty. Caila tells Ben what she’s looking for in a guy. She wants someone who compliments her. She doesn’t mention how important it is to have Ice Cube and Kevin Hart go along on dates with her future husband, so I guess that’s not as important to her in finding a man than it is to ABC.
Ben tells Caila that he “desires to love.” I miss the part where they didn’t talk. Caila has a heartbreaking story about heartbreak. She met a guy on a plane. It didn’t last. I cry a ton. It’s super sad. Ben tells the camera that Caila has “depth” because she once met a guy on a plane. He gives her a rose. She takes it. It’s a miracle.
They leave the abandoned restaurant and wander over to a movie theater. The marquee says ‘Ben and Caila’. That sounds like a shitty title for a movie. I’ll bet Ice Cube and Kevin Hart are in it.
Some recording artist named Amos Lee or something is playing a guitar. They get a private concert (meaning Caila gets 10 Fantasy points). While the guy singing sings, Ben and Caila dance and make out. I’ll bet this is the highlight of the Amos Lee’s career.
Another group date is next. Six or so of Ben’s girlfriends pile into a limo, including the twins. We’re twin for some fun now! Twins are instwint good times! I antwincipate a fun date! I wish this date twididn’t have to end!
The group of gals wanders in to a lab. Ben greets them wearing weird lab clothes. Haley talks about how sexy Ben looks in lab clothes. I remind myself to buy sexy lab clothes. When Haley talks, ABC puts the descriptor “Twin” on the part of the screen where they normally put a woman’s occupation. ABC is telling us that Haley is a twin for a living. She’s a professional twin. Is there money in twinning?
The reasoning behind the lab clothes is to protect Ben’s real clothes during a scientific experiment. Ben is going to test his girlfriends with science to see if they’re compatible. I don’t know. I think the best way to find out if a girl is right for you is to get into a convertible with her and Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, but I’m no scientist.
The girls run on treadmills so Ben can smell them. He’s blindfolded. He smells all of their body parts. There’s an awful lot of smelling. I’m so mad I didn’t think ahead to include smelling points in the Fantasy league. Ben likes the way Olivia smells but he doesn’t like the way Sam smells. Keep up!
Because she had the highest science score, Olivia gets some alone time with Ben while the other girls sit on a couch so they can be mad. Ben and Olivia make out. I would call it gross, but it’s not. It’s science.
Ben goes back to his girlfriends. One of the twins, we’ll call her Haley, pulls Ben aside. Haley’s twin gets mad. She shouldn’t be mad. She should be used to her twin doing stuff like that. After all, being a twin is her job! Olivia also gets mad because her boyfriend spends time alone with one of his other 19 girlfriends. Some women just don’t get it.
Amanda is nervous because she hasn’t talked to her boyfriend in two days despite being in the room with him. Amanda has two kids and wants to tell Ben about her kids. Amanda gets 20 Fantasy points for abandoning her kids to be on a Reality Dating show! Ben tells Amanda that he’s happy she has kids. Then, they make out. Ben is such a nice guy. Ten seconds later, he gives Olivia the group date rose. Olivia gloats to the camera. She is now the other girl who everyone hates. There are two evil girls this season! Way to go, ABC!
Amanda cries because she didn’t get the group date rose. She tells the camera that she isn’t sure if it’s worth it for her to date a guy with 19 other girlfriends on TV. I mean, we’ve all wondered that at one point or another in our lives.
The cocktail party is next. There will be cocktails and talking. Ben talks to a bunch of girls and I don’t know their names. One of them is blonde. She hiked Ben a football. Remember that, you guys?
Olivia interrupts their conversation because she’s evil. Olivia is a newscaster. She has a newscaster voice. It’s the kind of voice that says, “I’m going to tell you what’s going on but you should know I’m above this.” The other girls get mad at Olivia for talking to her boyfriend. How dare she?! Ben and Olivia make out some more. We get to hear the slurping because the cameras is, like, right on top of them. These camera guys are not shy about getting their close-ups.
Olivia comes back and acts snarky to the other girlfriends. Lace ain’t having it. My computer doesn’t even think “ain’t” is a word! Lace tells Olivia that she wants to get to know her, then yells at her. She tells Olivia to stop trying to spend so much time with her boyfriend. Olivia defends herself. No one is backing down! It’s a classic bitch-off! I’d score it a draw.
Lace pulls Ben aside to spend time with him. When Ben tries to talk to her, she interrupts him and acts psychotic. You can tell Ben is uncomfortable around her. Lace seems nervous or drunk. She tells Ben that she “has a part of me that I’m working on.” Before she can explain what that really creepy statement means, she’s interrupted by a different girlfriend. Lace goes into the bathroom to cry. She is racking up so many Fantasy points.
Ben pulls Lauren B. aside. She’s one of four Laurens. Ben gives 4th Lauren a picture of their first moment together. Basically, he commanded a Bachelor intern to print out a screen grab and then pretended like it was some huge romantic gesture. Ben likes 4th Lauren a lot.
He also hugs a different girl while telling the camera how he likes some of his other girlfriends too. Ben has so many girlfriends. He takes Amanda aside and gives her hair clips as gifts for her kids back home. I’m sure he bought them himself too and didn’t just order a Bachelor intern to go to the mall to get hair clips at Claire’s or something.
The rose ceremony is next. I can’t believe this 6-hour episode is almost over. To ensure that he makes the right decisions, Ben takes a moment to think about his decision. After thinking, he dumps some girlfriends.
Lace gets a rose, even though she acted super weird. There’s no way ABC didn’t force Ben to keep Lace around to act crazy. One of the Laurens gets a rose. The other girls call her LB. I think it’s 4th Lauren! She pulls Ben into the other room. She quits the game show because she can’t handle it anymore. 4th Lauren gets 25 points for leaving the show! She’s my hero.
The smelly girl who wasn’t compatible with Ben didn’t get a rose because Ben doesn’t like the way she smells. Science is hard, yo? Smelly girl cries a bunch, ‘cause sadness. Amber does get a rose, despite never once talking to Ben at all. Fake crazy dentist also went home. I guess ABC didn’t need someone to pretend like they’re a crazy dentist.
The previews for next week show that girls are already planning on marrying Ben. So, it’ll be hard to wait seven days to see that. I might purposely get knocked out with a cinder block so I can just sleep the whole time.