Guys, Corrine and Taylor are about to punch each other! When we last left Nick and his merry band of girlfriends, two of them were being super confronty with each other. Taylor didn’t think Corrine was smart enough to be with Nick! Corrine couldn’t even! Will the world be able to handle the Taylor V. Corrine confrontation, or will the earth shift on its axis and move closer to the sun causing us all to explode? It’s the most important moment in history. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.
We pick up right where we left off, in the middle of World War III. Rachel watches the Taylor/Corrine war and wants no part of it. She says, “Be focused on the person you’re here for.” I think she means Nick. I’m not sure. There’s no time to think about it because Taylor and Corrine are about to fight.
Taylor challenges Corrine’s emotional intelligence. Corrine argues that she’s intelligent. Taylor says she’s not emotionally intelligent. Corrine tells Taylor to explain what emotional intelligence is. I nod because I’d also like to know.
Corrine fights back. She tells Taylor that she’s not here for the right reasons, which is just about the worst thing you can say to a Bachelor contestant. Corrine says that Taylor has attitude and is rude. Taylor says Corrine is super fake and says fake things. Are you guys keeping up with this? We’re 3 minutes into the episode and there’s already no way anyone is reading this sentence. Also, no one is punching anyone! The music is over-the-top punchy! Someone punch something! I punch the air, but it brings me no satisfaction.
Corrine walks away from the Corrine V. Taylor battle without punching. There is zero punching. This is like watching white guys box. Sports quota filled. Corrine runs straight to her boyfriend, Nick. Remember him? Corrine backstabs Taylor by telling Nick that Taylor is here for the wrong reasons. She tells Nick that Taylor is super rude to the other girls. Nick nods and acts concerned. I’d be concerned too if I found out one of my girlfriends was rude to my other girlfriends. I’d be all noddy af!
While that’s going on, some of Nick’s other girlfriends comfort Taylor, Nick’s girlfriend. I know I always comfort my boyfriend’s other girlfriends when another girlfriend gets confronty with that girlfriend. In the Bachelor world, you combat confronting with comforting. It’s one of those mysterious forces in the universe, like how sparrows all fly in the same direction and how all sitcoms use the same three jokes.
Corrine brags to the camera about her backstabbedness. She says, “I am winning. Hashtag winning. The Taylor ship has sailed.” Every time a person says the word “hashtag” out loud, an endangered snow leopard falls into a river and dies.
As we go to commercial, we see that tonight’s episode is being hosted by Josh Gad and Luke Evans, stars of the ABC ‘Beauty and the Beast’ movie. So, on top of all the stupid crap, we get an infomercial for a terrible movie. We’re so lucky, you guys!
The rose ceremony is next. I’d tell you to keep up, but you’re not reading this, and I don’t blame you. Chris Harrison has a chat with Nick. It’s about time Chris Harrison did some work. Harrison tells Nick that the stakes are huge because he’s lost over half of his girlfriends. It’s not so much advice as it is math. Nick says that he’s ready to dump more girlfriends, so he does.
Before dumping more girls, Nick thanks his girlfriends for being here and tells them how hard it is to dump them because connections have been formed. That is tough. I always make sure to dump my girlfriends before connections are formed. There so much less paperwork.
The music gets intense as Nick runs out of roses and both Taylor and Corrine are still without one. I throw up a couple of times because I can’t take. You guys couldn’t take it either, admit it.
Corrine finally gets a rose, then Taylor gets a rose! It’s either a mathematical miracle, or ABC made Nick wait to give the last two roses to Corrine and Taylor. It’s probably a miracle. I’m not sure. I never read the bible.
Nick dumps Sarah. Sarah cries. She says, “This is not how any of this was supposed to go.” I’m not sure how it’s supposed to go when you date a guy on TV who is also dating 24 other women, but that’s not the way Sarah thought it would go. Maybe she thought there’d be more punching. Nick also dumped a different girlfriend, but they didn’t even show her face or let her talk to the camera. I have no idea who else he dumped. It could have been my mom. I should call her to make sure she’s okay.
Nick is pretty broken up about dumping Sarah and old what’s her face. He’s so broken up that he waits 28 seconds to gleefully announce that the group is going to New Orleans. Everyone screams. They must really like New Orleans.
We’re back from commercial. Keep up. ABC shows alligators! Where could we be? Where are there alligators? Oh, right, New Orleans. I was confused. There’s a camera on the plane so we get to see the girls being excited about landing in New Orleans. Hey, I kind of feel like I’m in New Orleans too!
Even though they’re contractually obligated, the girls do not run out to the balcony of their hotel and yell “Hello Nick!” I scream it in my living room to make up for the lost opportunity.
Chris Harrison walks into the hotel and says to the girls, “We’re in New Orleans!” We know, Chris! We saw the alligators! Chris Harrison is stupid. He announces that there will be a group date, a 1-on-1 date, and a dreaded 2-on-1 date where someone gets dumped. Gee, I wonder if it’ll be Corrine and Taylor on the 2-on-1? There’s no way! That would mean the show was carefully orchestrated and written, and not a random, real journey for love. There’s no way there will be two miracles in one evening!
Rachel gets the 1-on-1 date. She hasn’t done much since getting the first impression rose, so be prepared for Rachel to turn things up so she can win this game show. I hope she punches someone.
Rachel and Nick walk around New Orleans. This is the most excited I’ve ever been. They eat oysters. Then, they pour hot sauce on more oysters and eat those oysters. Nick says, “I don’t think we need hot sauce.” Then, they put oysters in their mouths and make out with the oysters in their mouths. Is this what waterboarding is?
After that gross thing, Nick and Rachel run outside. They should wait at least 15 minutes after eating oysters out of each other’s mouths before running. They could get cramps.
Outside, there’s a parade. New Orleans seems noisy. Rachel knows who the band is because producers told her. Nick and Rachel dance in the parade. It’s terrible to watch, but better than watching two people spit oyster bits into each other’s mouths.
Back at the hotel, the other girlfriends watch Nick and Rachel dance in their parade from the window as sad music plays. That’s the thing about dating a bunch of women at once, if you dance in a parade with one of them, the rest will get to watch from their hotel window.
Nick and Rachel walk by a bar and hear music. Nick says, “What’s that? Wanna go check it out?” And Rachel says, “Sure!” They go in to watch the music and it’s really spontaneous because they just happened upon this band that was playing music and there just happened to be several ABC cameras filming the whole thing! What an incredible coincidence!
Rachel loves her date. She says, “Nick is exceeding my expectations.” Yes, Rachel, because Nick orchestrated the entire New Orleans parade/ recording artist date. It wasn’t Bachelor producers. When you date Nick in real life, he’s just setting up parades and spontaneous concerts all over the place. He doesn’t just make you stand there while he sits in a chair and plays Skyrim.
The happy couple sits down somewhere in New Orleans. There is food on their table that they will not eat. Rachel tells Nick about a family funeral that just happened. These girls love to up the romance by mentioning dead people. I haven’t dated in a long time. Is that what you do now? Is dating just sitting around and talking about people in your life who have died?
Nick asks Rachel about her family and says that he’s looking forward to meeting them. Guys, that shouldn’t happen for a couple more episodes! Nick says that he’s already asked a couple of dads for permission to marry their daughter, so he takes it super serious.
Nick puts his guard down and tells Rachel that she’s super into her. He uses the word “super.” That’s my word! Nick gives Rachel a rose. She squeals to the camera and says that she’s falling for Nick. Rachel is finding love. You guys are finding love too, admit it. Nick and Rachel make out. It’s super slurpy. They are not eating oysters while making out, so it’s not as romantic as it could be.
Back at the hotel, the group date card arrives. Everyone knows that, if you’re not on the group date, you’re on the dreaded 2-on-1 date. There’s dramatic music, even though everyone knows that Corrine and Taylor will be on the 2-on-1 date. That is what happens, because this show has no original content.
Corrine tells the camera that she’s glad she’s going on the 2-on-1 because she’ll destroy Taylor. Taylor says that she’ll beat Corrine, so she’s not worried. Neither of them mention that they’re excited to be going on a date with their boyfriend, because that’s not what this show is about.
The group date is next. ABC shows us more alligators. I guess we’re still in New Orleans. A bus brings the girls to a place called Mamma’s House, so they’re going to see a Martin Lawrence movie. Nick gathers his girlfriends and tells the girls that Mamma’s House is a haunted house. So, they’re going on a ghost hunt, in the middle of the day. Raven says she isn’t happy about the ghost house because she believes in Jesus. I don’t understand it either.
Before ghost hunting, they all sit around and drink alcohol. Some guy tells a story about the haunted house. We listen. It happens. The guy says that the house talks because it’s full of ghosts. I would hope so. The most famous resident ghost is a little girl named May who died of yellow fever. Everyone is super scared.
The tour begins. It’s toury. The guy tells stories about the room and shows the girls May’s dolls. He tells them not to touch May’s doll. Jasmine touches the doll. Jasmine does not follow instructions.
The tour is as boring as my recaps. Jaimi challenges Nick to find a ghost. Bachelor interns light a bunch of candles so the group can gather in a circle and play with a Ouija board. They ask May if she’s in the house. May, through the Ouija board, says yes. The lights go out and everyone screams. Well, one person screams. No one is really scared because none of this is real. It’s a fake haunted house.
What follows is a bunch of fake stuff. It’s a fake, non-scary haunted house. I’m forced to watch the stupidity anyway. It happens. I wish so bad it didn’t happen, but it happens. I hate this show so much.
Back at the hotel, Corrine and Taylor bad mouth each other to the camera. Corrine is still mad that Taylor said she’s emotionally unintelligent. She says, “I’m intelligent in other ways. I’m people smart. There are other kinds of intelligency. Is intelligency a word?” Okay, now Corrine is stealing my material. Adding ‘y’ to words is my thing! It’s thingy!
The fake haunted stuff keeps happening, even though no one wants it to. I’d recap it, but you get the point. They walk around and scream while stuff moves and breaks. The annoying thing is, the girls talk to the camera like they want you to believe that they believe that the house is really haunted, even though no one thinks that. It’s almost like when they talk to the camera like they want you to believe that they believe that they’re falling in love with a guy they’ve known for 11 minutes, even though no one thinks that.
Back at the hotel, Rachel talks to Corrine about her war with Taylor. Corrine is concerned that Nick won’t see past her terribleness to know the real Corrine. She says, “I hope he sees my golden heart.” My wife and I hi-five and break a bunch of stuff. I want to learn to play an instrument so I can start a band and name it ‘My Golden Heart’. Corrine is an ocean of awful.
Back to the stupid group date. Nick pulls Danielle aside. He tells the camera he’s worried that the connection between he and Danielle has faded. You guys were worried too, admit it. Danielle and Nick go outside and make out a bunch. There’s a shit-ton of slurping. I guess their connection is back. There is no talking. That’s how you get the spark going! I know, when I want to make my wife happy, I talk as little as possible.
One minute after sucking on Danielle’s face, Nick literally pulls Raven aside. Raven literally tells Nick that she has fallen in love with him. Whoa! It’s a bold move! She didn’t even wait until he knew her name to fall in love to him! Raven has all her chips on the table.
Nick gets the group date rose from underneath a glass vase-like thing from Beauty and the Beast, to make sure it’s an official infomercial. Nick gives Danielle the group date rose, even though Raven just told him she loves him. That’s a classy move. Raven is worried that she’s going home. See, I’d be thrilled to be going home.
The 2-on-1 date is next. I can’t take it! It’s the most dramatic 2-on-1 date ever. Before the date, Corrine tells the camera that she’s about to “Make America Corrine again.” There is nothing I could ever write that would better describe everything.
Nick takes his girlfriends to the bayou. I thought the whole state of Louisiana was the bayou? I need to read more. ABC shows us more alligators, so we know it’s super bayouee here.
Nick, Corrine, Taylor and Vanessa’s dead grandpa get in a bayou boat and look at alligators. I’ve been looking at alligators all night and I don’t feel closer to Nick but, whatever. Taylor talks to the camera about how she’s more emotionally intelligent than Taylor. She says she’ll just focus on Nick and won’t play into Corrine’s game. We’ll see.
The bayou boat docks and the group walks up to a place with voodoo stuff happening. There are voodoo people playing voodoo music and stuff. They even meet an authentic voodoo priestess. I’ve never seen one before. I certainly didn’t think that voodoo priestesses wore fedoras, but this isn’t the first time I’ve been wrong about stuff.
The fedora priestess tells Nick, Corrine and Taylor that she’ll use voodoo to find out the truth about stuff. There’s a voodoo reading. It happens. I watch it. The woman who does the reading sounds exactly like Aisha Tyler, but it’s not Aisha Tyler. I would have so much preferred to watch Aisha Tyler do anything.
The reader says that there’s too much tension to read all three people at once. Their tension broke voodoo! That’s powerful. The reader reads Taylor first while Nick and Corrine go off to talk. Taylor is said to have danger coming. That’s called foreshadowing, you guys!
Nick and Corrine’s conversation is incredible insightful. She tells Nick that Taylor is hateful. Then, they make out a bunch. Corrine tells the camera that Taylor is a bug who belongs in the swamp. Then, Corrine points to her butt and says, “This bug doesn’t belong in the swamp.” This is such an incredible journey.
Nick pulls Taylor aside and asks her why she treated Corrine bad. Taylor tells Nick that Corrine was lying. I don’t know who to believe! This is why I never date a bunch of women on TV.
Corrine visits the voodoo reader and asks her to make a voodoo doll. Corrine gets her voodoo doll of Taylor and sticks it with a pin. You can really tell by the way that she stabs a voodoo doll with a pin that Corrine is not a nice person.
Coming back from commercials, ABC shows more alligators. Imagine how many hours of alligator footage they didn’t use? Did the boss’ son get a camera job and he spent the day filming alligators and the producers were all, “Look, we have to use it”? You guys never answer my questions.
Taylor leaves her conversation with Nick to sit alone with Corrine. It’s about to get all confronty in here! Taylor confronts Corrine. She tells Corrine that she lied to Nick. Corrine tells Taylor that she did not lie to Nick. Whoa! This is so confronty!
The girls stop arguing and sit in silence for 14 seconds. It’s the best part of the show. Nick comes over to dump one of them. He thanks the girls for making the most of their stupid date and tells them that he has to give the rose to the person that he has the best chance of making an emotional connection with. Then, he gives the rose to Corrine.
Taylor doesn’t say anything. She hugs Nick. I can’t believe she doesn’t punch him in the face. She doesn’t grab a branch to stab Corrine. Taylor is emotionally intelligent.
Nick and Corrine jump in the bayou boat and leave Taylor on the voodoo island. I’m not sure if Vanessa’s dead grandpa stayed on the island or left in the boat. I think he’s everywhere. Corrine and Nick make out on their bayou boat. We get to see the moon.
ABC makes Taylor stay on the voodoo island until it gets dark. She walks over to the voodoo people and dances with them. The fedora priestess throws ointment or something on her. I guess she’s being cleansed of this show. I need to visit that island. Taylor tells the camera that she’s still going to confront Nick about how stuff went down. This girl is so confronty. That’s all she does is confront. I’d hate to play Uno with her.
Nick brings Corrine to a castle, or something. They sit down for a meal they won’t eat. Corrine talks to the camera about how much she hates Taylor. She bounces her rose around and says, “Who’s stupid now, Taylor? Who’s stupid now? Sorry not sorry.” Wait, she asks who is stupid now, then doesn’t answer. Who is stupid now? Do you guys know? I don’t know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry am sorry.
Nick asks Corrine if “the Taylor situation” allowed her to show who she really is. He actually says “Taylor situation”. This guys has a situation for everything.
Just as Corrine and Nick start to make out, Taylor walks up to further the situation. It’s so much further now, you guys. This situation is the furtherest thing ever. If this Taylor situation was a planet, it’d be Pluto.
Corrine asks Taylor what she’s doing here, then the screen goes black. We have to wait until next week to see exactly how far the Taylor situation goes. I hope it goes so far it dies. I know I say this a lot, but this was the worst episode in the history of ‘The Bachelor’.
I’m going on vacation next week and will be out of the country. If I recap this show while I’m on vacation, my wife will leave me. It’s bound to happen eventually, but I’d like to not be homeless for a little while longer.
I’m not sure if he remembers doing so, but WGR 550’s Jeremy White has agreed to be my guest recapper for one week. Please be nice to him. He has to watch this show.