Ben Higgins is completely wifeless, and ABC is doing their best to wife him up proper. In their infinite wisdom, Bachelor producers decided the best thing to do is have Ben’s harem travel to Mexico, rather than put him in a quiet place with no cameras so he could actually have a conversation with them. It’s a bold strategy that has a 3% success rate. It’s math! It’s ‘The Bachelor’!
We begin with the girls arriving at their hotel room in Mexico. I wasn’t exactly sure that they were in Mexico until the girls ran out onto a balcony and screams, “Viva la Mexico!!!” You wouldn’t do that in Utah. Ben has 11 girlfriends, which is close to no girlfriends. Ben couldn’t even hold a full court basketball game with his girlfriends because there wouldn’t be enough subs and people would get tired.
Amanda gets a one-one-one date. I honestly don’t really know who Amanda is. I think she showed up at the set this week and ABC was like, “Who cares, let’s go with it.” To make sure things are super fun, Ben sneaks into his girlfriends’ hotel at 4 o’clock in the morning to take Amanda on their date. If there’s one thing girls love, it’s to be woken up at 4 o’clock in the morning without time to prepare. If you put the right music behind the scene of Ben marching into a hotel room with a flashlight at 4 a.m., it would be the rapiest show ever. Instead, ABC uses light-hearted music so we know that Ben isn’t rapey. He’s just a clever dater!
Ben leads the camera guys in the hotel room, all excited about his morning surprise. Cameras show us footage of the girls sleeping in their beds. Awko taco. This means that ABC leaves camera guys in the girls’ rooms to film them while they sleep. This show is f’ing creepy. It’s either that, or ABC marches the camera guys and boom mic guys and Clare’s dad into the rooms while producers tell the girls to pretend like they’re sleeping so we can all enjoy the goofiness at home. You guys enjoyed the goofiness, admit it.
Ben takes Amanda on a 4-hour car ride on Mexican back roads. They journey through a barbed wire entrance and go into an old factory. Amanda says, “I’m a little nervous because this factory does not look romantic or date, but I know that Ben will protect me.”
Ben and Amanda are ushered down into a basement where they are forced to manufacture cheap computer components. A pit boss-like supervisor screams at them in Spanish if they talk to each other. There’s no air conditioning or bathroom breaks, but Amanda still seems upbeat 12 hours into the date. She says, “Hey, sometimes, dating a guy means cutting your hands on small plastic pieces of computer hardware in a dimly lit basement. But I loved how Ben makes me feel when we snuck looks at each other.” Ben was so impressed with Amanda’s tremendous production that he gives her a rose.
That’s not what really happened. They went on a hot air balloon ride and made out a ton. Amanda says that Mexican pyramids are romantic. I’m not gonna judge until I see a Mexican pyramid. Bachelor interns set up a picnic for them on a Mexican hill so they could not eat food and make out some more.
Amanda has a kid and used to be married. Her marriage wasn’t good. She looks into the camera and tells millions of Americans that it’s hard for her to talk about. You can tell by the way she talks about it a lot that it’s hard to talk about. Amanda got a rose. Ben likes Amanda! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
The group date is next. Ben takes 10 of his girlfriends out, because that’s what you do when you’re dating a shit ton of women; you take ten of them on a date so you can determine whether or not one of them will be your wife. Emily is on the group date, even though she is no longer a twin. Ben sent her sister home last week, making her twinless. She’s half as fun. It’s like eating one Twix. Why bother?
The women are taken to a room to learn Spanish from a Spanish teacher. I know the only way I can determine whether or not to share my love with a woman is to see if she can roll her r’s.
The Spanish teacher calls the girls up to the front of the class and tells them to say phrases like “I love you.” And “I want you to kiss me.” It’s really romantic. It’s like Mexican pyramid-romantic!
Jubilee doesn’t think it’s Mexican pyramid-romantic to sit at a desk and watch other girls tell her boyfriend that they love him. What a prude! When it’s Jubilee’s turn to hear the Spanish things from Ben, she ain’t hearing it. She says, “You already said that to four other girls.” I jump up off my couch and yell, “That’s right, Jubilee! You tell that polygamist what’s what!”
The other girls can’t believe Jubilee would be so bold as to not be cool with having other girls tell their boyfriend they love them. I know, when I’m out in public, I’m offended if at least a couple of guys don’t walk up to my wife and tell her how much they love her. It’s 2016! Jubilee is so old fashioned. Ben isn’t. Ben is a modern guy, capable of loving many at once. Keep up, Jubilee!
After learning zero Spanish, the girls run out into the streets to shop. They have to ask Mexican people for Mexican things in Spanish. It’s really romantic. They’re grouped into teams of two. Olivia doesn’t have a partner! Holy crap! How did ABC screw up so bad! They have an odd number of girls, but Olivia needs a partner! Oh, that’s what happened, Ben becomes her partner so the other girlfriends and America can get more hate in. It works, America continues to hate Olivia. You guys hated Olivia more too, admit it.
When the group dating is done and Jubilee continues to be impossible to deal with, Ben takes her aside to dump her. Jubilee cries, because who wouldn’t? Jubilee is super sad and insecure. She tells the camera that she’s the least lovable person in the world right now. That can’t be true. There are 8 billion people in the world, she can’t be last. All of the Boston Bruins rank above her in “least lovableness”, so she’s already out of the Top 20. (Sports quota filled) She’s way more lovable than the bad guy in Gone in 60 Seconds. She’s more lovable than anyone with truck nuts. See, Jubillee? There are hundreds of people less lovable than you!
4th Lauren gets the next one-on-one date. It’s a 400-mile an hour thrill ride, so strap in, readers!
Not really. Ben and 4th Lauren do a fashion show. 4th Lauren is nervous, but manages to do the fashion show. It’s fashioney. 4th Lauren gets a rose. I just saved you a ton of time not writing a lot of words about it.
The cocktail party is next. The girls sit on a couch at the cocktail party and talk because ABC producers caddle-prod them and force them to talk. The subject of Amanda’s children comes up. She has an ex who is watching the children while she furthers her TV career and finds a future 3-month relationship. As Amanda discusses her child, Olivia, whom everyone hates, says, “I feel like I’m watching the show Teen Mom.” Ben’s other girlfriends are shocked.
They can’t believe Olivia would reference a non-ABC show. They’re also mad that Olivia had the nerve to say something twinsensitive to their friend…their friend who is also dating their boyfriend. Olivia makes an “Olivia” face because she knows she’s done wrong. The other girlfriends make mean faces because they hate Olivia. There are so many faces on this show, guys. We need a face chart like Daniel used in the movie Stargate to travel to that other universe. Look, if you don’t want me making Stargate references in my Bachelor recaps, then don’t read down this far. I’m not a juke box. You can’t just tell me what kind of references to make in my recaps.
The rose ceremony is next. Everyone thinks Olivia is going home because they hate her. The girls can’t see the ABC lawyers standing by to make sure Olivia stays on the show to continue to annoy America. I see the lawyers. The lawyers are real. Ben sends Jen home. RIP Jen. I don’t remember a single thing about her.
Next week, Ben takes his 9 girlfriends to the Antarctic, probably. Who cares.