I had a dream that I died and God wouldn’t let me into heaven because of all the grammatical errors in my Bachelor recaps. He must have known I’d yell…

I had a dream that I died and God wouldn’t let me into heaven because of all the grammatical errors in my Bachelor recaps. He must have known I’d yell out a swear word because I was already being cast down into hell before I get out the F-word. I can’t tell you if hell was just an endless loop of Bachelor re-runs because I was jolted awake before I hit the flames, but we can all agree that it probably is. Unfortunately, I didn’t die, so I get to keep recapping. It’s my own personal hell. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.

It’s hometown date week! It’s one of my favorite things, right up there with accidentally hitting my fingernail with a hammer and the smell of my teeth being drilled at the dentist. This week’s show is pointless because ABC announced Rachel as the next Bachelorette, so we all know she’s going home. I’d complain, but every episode of this show is pointless. Why should tonight be any different? Answer me!

Last week, Nick dumped Kristina and Danielle because they’re both nice and normal. Tonight, Nick will meet the families of his four girlfriends. The families will go out of their way to be embarrassing. I’ll recap it. You’ll read it. Maybe.

Of the four remaining contestants, two are actresses, one will be the Bachelorette and one is literally Raven. Nick says that “everything changes once you meet someone’s family.” Maybe that means this episode will be good.

The first hometown date is literally in Hoxie. Raven rides a 4-wheeler up to meet Nick in a field or something. They make her ride a 4-wheeler because that’s what people in Hoxie do. They don’t even have cars there. They literally only have faith, football and family. Literally. Oh, and 4-wheelers. Anything that starts with f.

Raven takes Nick to a giant grain bin. She says that’s where you go to talk to people in Hoxie. It must be hard to get anything done there. I can’t imagine trying to hold a Fantasy Football Draft when you have to keep running to the grain bin to talk. Sports quota filled.

The Hoxie police roll up on their grain bin secret-telling moment. It’s a totally spontaneous police incident. You can tell it’s spontaneous by the way the police officer is fully mic’d for audio. He harasses Nick for being on the grain bin. Nick is super scared because he’s about to be arrested until the officer reveals that he’s really Raven’s brother. It’s a big goof. Nick totally fell for it. You guys fell for it too, admit it! This show has no content.

For the next 3 minutes, Nick and Raven ride around on 4-wheelers in the mud. It happens. We watch it. They’re really getting to know each other. Hoxie is super muddy. There’s literally mud everywhere.

After riding 4-wheelers (keep up!), Nick and Raven take off their clothes and wrestle. They make out in the Hoxie mud. I wish so bad that an asteroid would rip through this planet and end everything.

Before we meet Raven’s family, she reminds us that her dad has cancer. I’m glad she reminded me because I almost forgot. Raven’s mom tells Raven that her dad is now cancer-free. Everyone celebrates. Raven doesn’t show it, but she has to know that this news decreases her chances of winning the game show. Sick dads are gold.

Raven cries over the happy news. ABC plays soft ‘Raven’s dad is cancer-free’ music. Nick cries. Raven’s mom cries. Everyone cries. It’s super dusty in my house, but I’m not crying.

Raven’s dad says that he’s happy because he’ll be able to eventually walk Raven down the aisle. Raven cries more. I’m still not crying. It’s so dusty!

Raven’s mom pulls her aside to talk. It gives us all a break from crying. Raven admits that she thought Nick would be arrogant. That explains why she went on the show. I always go on TV to pursue men who I think are arrogant. Raven says that she loves Nick. Her mom asks if she’ll be able to tell Nick that she loves him. Raven says that she will be able to tell Nick that she loves him. It seems like a stupid question. How hard is that to say? Raven’s mom is stupid. Her questions suck.

Nick talks with Raven’s dad. Nick asks, if Raven wins the game show, if he’ll accept his daughter marrying a reality TV show prize. Raven’s dad gives Nick his blessing to maybe marry his daughter if his daughter beats out the other three game show contestants. It’s a super touching moment.

After all of the talking, Raven and Nick sit on the porch. Why the hell would you read down this far? Raven still hasn’t told Nick she loves him. What is her problem? Keep in mind, every girl that has told Nick about their feelings has been dumped. Maybe Raven is a super genius.

When push comes to shove, Raven isn’t able to tell Nick that she loves him. She worries to the camera that she’ll be the only one of Nick’s girlfriends who hasn’t told him she loves him. It’s a tough point in the relationship when you’re the last of the girlfriends to profess your love. When I’m dating a guy who is also dating three other women, I always make sure that I tell him I love him first. It’s a smart strategy. Raven messed up.

Rachel’s hometown date is next. Rachel is black and her family is black. It’s all ABC has talked about in the show promos. ABC is all, “We put black people on The Bachelor! We totally do!” I’m surprised they didn’t change the name of the show to ‘The Bachelor and Black People’.

Rachel takes Nick to church. So, we get to watch 7 minutes of church. This is exactly what I want to watch! Church!

Nick is the only white guy in the church, but he’s totally comfortable because he’s the best. The priesty guy announces Rachel and Nick to the other people in the church. I don’t go to church as much as I used to, but they never used to point out the people dating multiple women in the middle of the service before. I guess church has evolved. Attendance must be low.

After church, Nick and Rachel talk. This is even better than church! Nick tells Rachel that he doesn’t mind being in an inter-racial relationship. I almost completely forgot that Rachel was black! Rachel is excited for Nick to meet her family, but her dad can’t be there because of a work conflict. I can only imagine what it would be like to try to convince your boss to give you the day off because you wanted to have dinner with the Bachelor. I’d quit first.

Nick is nervous to meet Rachel’s family. They’re black. Everyone seems nice. There’s another white guy in the house. I don’t know if he’s in the family or ABC hired a white guy to hang out. We’ll find out.

The other white guy is married to Rachel’s sister. They don’t say if the other white guy was also a reality TV star. We may never know.

Everyone eats. Nick knows what okra is. The family laughs. I hate this show.

Nick and Rachel sit down with the other white guy and Rachel’s sister. The other white asks if Nick has ever dated a black woman before Rachel. I almost forgot Rachel was black. She is. She’s black. What would these people talk about if Rachel wasn’t black? Probably okra.

Nick sits down with Rachel’s mother. Rachel’s mother asks, “Elephant in the room. Have you ever dated a black girl?” Again, couldn’t we change the subject? Don’t these people watch The Walking Dead? Hasn’t anyone heard of current events? Shouldn’t they be asking more about the fact that Nick dated and dumped two dozen women in a month? Answer me!

Nick tells Rachel’s mom that he likes Rachel. Rachel’s black. Rachel’s mom likes Nick. Nick is white. Nick and Rachel are in an inter-racial relationship because she’s black and he’s white. Sorry to just drop that on you like that, but you should know. Let’s be real about this.

Rachel talks to her mom about her inter-racial relationship. I yell out, “Wait, Rachel is black?” No one answers me. Rachel is black. When all of the talking is done, Nick and Rachel go outside to slurp faces. We watch it. Rachel is black.

Corinne’s hometown date is next. Nick travels to Miami. This should be the worst half-hour of my life. For the record, Corinne is white, so this is an inner-racial relationship.

Corinne takes Nick shopping. I get to listen to Corinne talk a bunch, so things couldn’t be any worse. I miss the church footage. There is 11 minutes of Corinne trying on clothes and talking. I wish bacteria was eating my flesh to distract me from the sound of Corinne’s voice.

Next, Nick tries on a bunch of clothes. What do you guys do with your free time? I recap the worst show on television. Nick tries on $800 sweat pants. I didn’t think that I could hate my life more, but it happens. After trying on the clothes, Corinne pays $3,423 for the outfit Nick tried on. I hope that some starving orphans are watching tonight’s episode through a storefront window while chewing on discarded orange peels they found in a Chinese Food place’s dumpster.

This outfit costs more than I made in my entire radio career.

The date continues outside. Keep up! Corinne tells Nick that she loves him. They make out. It’s a sweet moment hearing a completely empty and plastic woman with the voice of a banshee declare her love for her reality TV star boyfriend. I hate this show so much.

Next, we meet Corinne’s family. I’m shocked when it’s not just a bunch of hyenas ripping apart an elk carcass. Instead, it’s Corinne’s parents, some siblings and her nanny Raquel. Everyone is white. Raquel made dinner. Corinne’s mom explains that Raquel is more than a nanny. So, now we know.

Corinne’s dad serves up his signature Greek olive. Nick tries it. There’s a moment of drama, complete with dramatic music, where Nick hesitates after being asked if he likes the olive. Nick says that it’s the best olive he ever ate. I scream out in relief because it was a really stressful moment. If Nick didn’t like that olive, I would have jumped off the Peace Bridge.

Corinne and her dad lay in a bed to talk. Corinne tells her dad that she loves Nick. They’re both white. Meanwhile, Nick talks to more-than-nanny Raquel. It’s broken English. I have no idea what she says. I’m not sure if Raquel is white, but they won’t tell me what race she is. I thought people’s race was all that mattered on this show? What is going on?

Nick and Corinne’s dad drink a bunch of alcohol and talk. This should end well. Corinne’s dad makes sure that Nick will make his daughter happy. Nick says that he will. It’s a bold promise considering the only thing that will ever make Corinne happy is being the worst person who ever lived, but Nick made the promise anyway.

Nick asks for Corinne’s dad’s blessing to ask Corinne to marry him. Permission is given. It’s a warm moment, full of slurred speech from a heroic intake of alcohol. There’s a bunch of hugging. Corinne is white. Nick and Corinne make out in front of her parents’ home, because that’s what you do.

Corinne says that she’s on cloud 9. She could probably afford to be. I know it’s not a popular opinion, and I probably feel this way because she’s such a terrible person and I hate her, but Corrine is not attractive. She looks a dead trout. Corinne is the least attractive top-4 contestant since Moana from that Doctor’s Bachelor season. There, I said it.

Vanessa’s hometown date is next. I’m not sure how much more hometown dating I can take, but I have no choice. Vanessa takes Nick to meet her special needs class, which is incredible considering she is an actress and not a special needs teacher. I’m guessing ABC paid a bunch of special needs people to act like they love Vanessa. I’m not sure.

Nick interacts with the class. It’s super sweet and heart-warming. Some of the students are white and some are black. I’m just trying to be consistent with my recapping.

The class makes a scrapbook from Nick and Vanessa’s dating experiences. These poor kids. It’s like slave labor. The class likes Nick. He scores well with the special needs community, even if they have been hired.

Vanessa takes Nick to meet her parents, who are divorced. Nick will meet them separately. So, we’ll get to watch twice as many hometown date dinners! Lucky us! I was so mad that I was only getting 4 hometown dinners, so this news is practically saving my life!

Nick and Vanessa walk to her mom’s house. No one is shopping! What’s the point of any of this? Vanessa’s family is Italian, so it’s really loud. That’s what she says, I’m not stereotyping! Don’t @ me!

57 people sit at the dinner table. Everyone is white. There’s a grandmother who doesn’t speak English. She’s like straight off the boat. I’m assuming ABC hired the grandmother. She’s way too good to not have been hired.

The family asks Nick tough questions. It’s super tough. He’s uncomfortable. You guys, I don’t think Nick is going to make it through dinner.

Vanessa’s mom pulls Nick aside and asks him why Vanessa is so special. He says that Vanessa is hot. It’s the wrong answer. Vanessa’s sister asks Nick if he’s thought about real life after the TV show. It’s a fair question. Nick says that they’ve touched on it. It’s always smart, when you’re two weeks away from proposing to someone, to talk to them about real life. I’m sure Nick will get right on that after dinner.

Vanessa’s little brother worries that Vanessa will have her heart broken again. He’s super sweet. Vanessa cries. ABC plays soft ‘Vanessa had her heart broken before’ music. I swear, this house is super dusty.

Vanessa tries to convince her sister that her relationship with Nick is great. The sister does not fall for it. Her sister is such a party pooper! Why can’t she just let her sister date a guy dating three other women without doubting the process?

Vanessa tells her mother that she’s in love with Nick. She cries. Vanessa is white. Her mom worries that she’ll get her heart broken. This family cares about one thing and that’s Vanessa’s heart. They should rip it out of her ribcage and put it in a safe, already. Or, they could hire Casey Mumbles to guard and protect Vanessa’s heart. Because, that’s what Casey does. Only 3 of you got this reference. The rest of you stopped reading after the first paragraph. I call those people “smart.”

Next, we get to meet Vanessa’s white dad and her white dad’s new white wife. Instead of 57 people, there are only two people to talk to. You would think that means less talking, but you’d be wrong.

Vanessa’s dad pulls Nick into the other room to talk. There’s a bunch of talking. Vanessa’s dad also speaks in broken English and I don’t really understand what he says. It doesn’t really affect this recap.

Vanessa’s dad tells Nick that he just wants his daughter to be happy. He’s just like the other Italian people from before. You guys just want Vanessa to be happy too, admit it!

Nick asks Vanessa’s dad for his blessing to potentially marry Vanessa. Vanessa’s dad refuses to give his blessing. He asks Nick if he asked the other 3 sets of parents for their blessing as well. It’s a fair question. I like Vanessa’s dad. Nick gets all awkward because he’s been denied access to marrying Vanessa. Vanessa’s dad pulls the whole “What if your daughter asked you for permission to marry a reality TV star.” It’s another great question. Nick says that he respects the denied marriage blessing, but Vanessa makes him happy so he’s going to keep dating her. They agree to disagree. Then, boom! Vanessa’s dad gives Nick his blessing. So his big speech was all bullshit. I don’t like him anymore.

Vanessa talks to her dad. She finds out that Nick asked permission from his other girlfriends’ parents to get married. Now, Vanessa is mad because the man she’s been dating along with dozens of other girls is still dating other girls. Vanessa isn’t too bright. I hope she’s a good actress.

Vanessa and Nick do not make out in the driveway of her parents’ home. That’s a bad sign. 99% of the time, hometown dinners end with a steamy make-out session in the driveway. I’m worried about Vanessa’s heart, you guys.

After the commercial, Nick sits on a balcony and sips coffee while he thinks. It’s thinky. We watch him think for a solid two minutes. Nick has so much to think about, you guys.

Meanwhile, Nick’s girlfriends also think. Some of them even think on balconies. If you guys ever have to think about something, try doing it on a balcony. That’s the best place to think. It’s convenient because you can think while staring off into the distance. It works like a charm.

After all the thinking, we watch Nick put on a shirt. Cameras are there. We’re so lucky.

Nick is about to go to his rose ceremony, but Vanessa has other plans. She’s going to BREAK THE RULES and confront Nick at his hotel. She wants answers about Nick dating other woman. This show has no rules.

Nick stands in his hotel room. There’s a knock on the door. When he answers, it’s not Vanessa. It’s Andi Dorfman, the woman who broke his heart on ‘The Bachelorette’! No, the other one!

The episode ends. ABC makes us wonder what Andi could possibly be doing by crashing Nick’s quest for love. We’re not really wondering because the answer is nothing. Andi isn’t doing anything. ABC constantly brings back surprise people and acts like they’re going to ruin the show, but it doesn’t happen. Andi’s appearance will be meaningless, like everything else that happens on the show. Andi is white, by the way.

So, we’ll find out next week who Nick will dump and who will grind abs with Nick in the Fantasy Suite. We’re pretty sure Rachel will be dumped since we already know she doesn’t win the game show, but whatever. No one cares.

I’m white.