You know how, when Andy Dufresne is tunneling out of Shawshank Prison and he throws up in the tunnel, he has to keep tunneling? That about describes Night Two of…


This starfish died of natural causes

You know how, when Andy Dufresne is tunneling out of Shawshank Prison and he throws up in the tunnel, he has to keep tunneling? That about describes Night Two of back-to-back ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ episodes. I hate this show.

When we last left our lovers, holy cow! Super dramatic things had happened! Did you see them? No? Listen, you’re an idiot. You missed the best night of television ever.

Graham realized that AshLEE is a terrible crazy person and left in the middle of the rose ceremony with ASHlee’s rose offer held in the balance. Graham complains of fatigue and leaves. Cameras rush to his rescue, and by ‘rescue’ I mean ‘to film him’.

Graham gets checked out by the finest Bachelor medics available. They listen to him talk about losing his eyesight. Michelle Money gets Graham water. AshLEE doesn’t even help! Clare says, “I don’t trust ASHLEE at all. At all.” She says “at all” twice to make sure that we all completely understand how little she trusts AshLEE. She doesn’t. Clare doesn’t trust AsHLee at all. At all.

Lacy gets upset too. The woman with less real stuffing than plastic stuffing says “AsHLEE is just fake!” She’s not real at all. At all.

Anyway, Graham is recovered from his fatigue and he accepts asHleE’s rose. Lacy gets sick and leaves to throw up off camera. She runs a good 300 yards away to throw up. Marcus rushes to her rescue and demands that she go to the hospital BECAUSE SHE HAD TO THROW UP! Bachelor ambulances show up to take her boobs away to the hospital. It’s a tad overdramatic. I wonder what they’d do if she had a hangnail!

Chris Harrison rushes up to tell everyone they’re continuing without Marcus and Lacy. They’re super concerned about their two contestants, but they’re not going to pause their show production for four seconds. The Rose Ceremony rolls on.

Claradise has her Zach. Sarah picks Robert. Michelle has Cody. Jackie has a rose and has to choose between No Game Marquel and Jesse. She picks Jesse because she’d rather have cake than cookies. Marquel and Kalon are left without roses. Kalon leaves without incident. Marquel gives out hugs and stuff, because who doesn’t love Marquel? I mean, other than Jackie?

At the hospital, Marcus is worried because “Lacy has been losing a lot of water.” What the hell does that mean? Can you lose water? You can pee. I’m not sure you can lose water. Either are the Bachelor doctors. Lacy somehow survives.

Coming back from commercial, we see a pelican and a lizard. A blonde named Kristy arrives with a date card. Kristy is… attractive. The guys notice. The girls notice them notice. Zach is going to dump his Clare Bear at the drop of Kristy’s hat.

Sarah and her lack of confidence pull Kristy aside to run down the relationships. Kristy doesn’t care. She picks Zach to go out on a date. Zach has to think things over. He confides in Clare. Zach tells Clare that he is refusing Kristy’s date card. We’re all stunned. Admit it, guys. You were stunned.

Jesse agrees to go out on a date with Kristy. They go into town to buy stuff. Kristy is super fun and smart. She says, “We find tequila and other booze that’s known here.” She really knows the local culture. Jesse and Kristy drink and then go outside to sit down and drink more. They have a meaningful conversation about Mexican beach relationships.

Kristy talks about her douchebag boyfriends back home who cheated on her. ABC lets her say “douchebag” twice. One of her DB boyfriends left a bra in her room and she found it. They talk about it. It’s super interesting. I’m so intrigued, I forget about all of my problems. A dog walks up.

Next we get some really awkward television. Sarah and Robert go on a date. Sarah lacks confidence and Robert really doesn’t seem that into her. On a show where people jump into the ocean to cavort thirty seconds after knowing each other, Sarah and Robert have yet to kiss. Sarah tells the camera that she longs for smoochtown with Robert.

They eat on TV. We watch them eat. Next, they go swimming. Keep up! Why can you never keep up! You can’t keep up at all. At all.

In the pool, Sarah hopes again for kissing. He kisses her hand. It’s awkward. They talk. I wish I were dead. There are noises. I hope a tree falls on my house and hurts me. Finally, they kiss. There is kissing. The music is kissey. Everyone is happy. Admit it, guys. You’re totally happy.

Back at the bungalow, Cody bench presses Michelle Money. That’s not even a metaphor. He literally bench presser her. Then, he paints her toenails. Cody talks about how he’s falling in love with Michelle Money. He’s moving too fast. To change the subject, Michelle asks, “Can you believe how big your quads are?” That actually happened. How do you answer that question? Could you imagine being asked that? I mean, I can’t believe how big my quads are, but I don’t allow people to ask me about them.

Drunk Kristy and drunk Jesse return and act drunk. Jackie is mad. She says, “Ever since Kristy got here, Jesse has been acting differently.” So, Jesse is acting differently than he did the day before.

Clare and Zack sit on the beach and talk and I’m forced to listen. By the way, I’ve been spelling Zack’s name wrong this entire time but I’m not going back to fix it. I’ll start spelling it ‘Zack’ now.
Zack drops the bomb on Clare that he’s not into her. Clare takes it well and says, “Oh well” and goes about her business. Just kidding. She erupts in anger and gets Clarey. She’s the stabbiest. Clare storms off and says she’s going to bed. She has a weird interpretation of bed, because she’s in the bathroom crying.

Zack insists he wasn’t trying to dump her thirty seconds after dumping her. Clare runs off into the jungle while complaining loudly to herself. ABC provides subtitles. I can’t follow them. She says that she’s having a panic attack and is afraid that she looks even more like a fool. It’s hard to top the announcement that you carry around a DVD with a message from your dad, but she pulls it off nicely.

Clare returns to the bungalow and packs her stuff to leave. Michelle Money sees an opportunity to be on TV so she tries to talk Clare out of leaving. They talk and there’s talking.

Zack is super concerned about Clare because he goes directly to bed and falls asleep. Clare strolls up to his room to wake him up as ABC plays ‘Psycho’ music. She doesn’t kill him. Clare and Zack talk. There’s talking. It’s dramatic. Clare repeats the same stuff she yelled out to herself in the jungle with a raccoon.

Clare announces that she’s going home. Zack has a chance to be a good dude. He doesn’t rise up to that challenge. Zack tells Clare that he gave it everything he had, but he doesn’t tell her to stay. I can’t say I can blame him. Zack is a schlub, but I wouldn’t wish Clare on anyone at all. At all.

Clare cries and snots while she’s saying goodbye to the cameras. She’s doing a lot of talking. Zack isn’t saying a word. He’s a winner. You just know Zack is ecstatic on the inside knowing he got away without being killed. As her final goodbye, a tearful Clare says, “This is why I wanted to do Dancing with the Stars.”

There are now 6 women and 6 men, so everyone would get a rose. Lucy runs up to smut island. Lucy is the naked ‘free spirit’ girl from Juan Pablo’s season. Lucy is an instant party. She’s super annoying.


A rare ‘clothed’ Lucy picture

Lucy walks around naked because she’s a total free spirit. This woman clearly got no attention from her parents at all. At all. Naked Lucy asks Jesse out on a date. Lucy, Kristy and Jesse run into the ocean to add a little much-needed pollution. The ocean is all, “It’s about time!”

Jesse and Naked Lucy drive a jeep to Tenochtitlan, or something. My wife points out Lucy’s terrible posture. It’s true. She does have bad posture. They walk around ruins to further ruin my life. There’s a lot of talking. Stop reading these.

Michelle Money and Cody are totes falling in love. Wait, Cody is falling in love. Cody puts on his most chest-coverin’ shirt and they go to a nice hotel to take engagement photos. They smooch and pose. It’s smoochey and posey. Cody keeps talking about how bad he wants love. Michelle Money isn’t completely comfortable. How could a guy with arms that big be so desperate.

ABC tries to get Michelle Money to change into a wedding dress for pictures. She is freaking out. You guys were freaking out, too. Admit it! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone. ABC plays super dramatic music. I scream out, “This music isn’t dramatic enough!” It isn’t.

Michelle is overwhelmed by the full-court press Cody is laying down. He’s Code-5 when he should be a Code-2.

Michelle Money does the stupid wedding dress thing. It’s all LOLey. You guys are totally LOLing. I did. My throat starting bleeding because I laughed really hard and I ran away to throw up and ambulances had to come and Marcus came with me to make sure I was okay. I was okay, but I lost a lot of water.

They pose for pictures as Michelle Money yells to on-lookers, “It’s not real!” She isn’t handling it well. It’s really not funny, you guys. I don’t know why you guys were laughing. This is serious. Michelle Money runs into the ocean with a shirtless Cody. He has big arms and a big back.

Back at the bungalow, aShlee gives Graham a date card. Graham is back to NOT realizing AshLEE is terrible and crazy. They go to a place to ride race cars. Mexico is huge, yo? There is a ton of stuff to do. AsHLEE wears a head band. I’m not a head band fan. I’m more of an eye black guy. Women don’t wear enough eye black at all. At all.

We watch the not-so-fast racing. The sports quota is sorta filled. I hate this show.

Back at the bungalow bon fire, Kristy is mad because she is not a part of a couple and no one is drinking. This girl is itching for fun. She needs some Lanacane. Or, some booze and a DB. I’m a Kristy fan, even though she’s kind of the female version of Kalon.

Marcus pulls Lacy aside to tell her he loves her. She’s super happy. They kiss. I feel happy. Everyone is happy. Lacy gushes about Marcus saying, “He treats me so well. He is an angle.” I didn’t spell that wrong. I’m pretty sure she said “angle”.

Naked Lucy and Jesse make out. Naked Lucy likes Jesse and thinks they are coupling up. Naked Lucy giggles to the camera and I can never tell if she’s drunk or not.

Jesse is obviously having feelings because he tells the camera, “I like… what’s her nuts?” He feeds everyone alcohol. Kristy is sad and wants to go home. She’s going home. Wait, she’s not. She goes to talk to Jesse. I can’t believe you read down this far.

Jesse convinced Kristy that he’s into her and only her. I have a feeling you could convince Kristy that a bird was a bee. She’s not quick with the thoughts. Jesse gets into bed with Kristy. They are joined by Lucy. It’s a Mexican three-way. The best kind. As we go to commercial, ABC shows Clare’s dad the sea turtle in the ocean, looking for his Clare bear. Clare’s dad doesn’t find Clare bear. Clare bear is gone. Clare bear went bye.

Final adjustments are made heading into the final moments. Michelle Money has Cody, but is unsure. Marcus loves Lacy. ashLee has Graham. Robert kissed Sarah twice. That leaves Jesse and Zack to choose Jackie, Lucy or Kristy.

Kristy seems mad at Jesse for his orgyness. Jesse looks to smooth things over with Kristy by saying, “You are… one of my favorites.” Kristy buys it. She agrees to couple up with Jesse. Lucy tries to convince him otherwise. Kristy and Lucy used to be good friends. They are no longer friends. Lucy starts a gossip lie thing to convince Jesse to dump Kristy. MORE LIES AND GOSSIP. Sarah tells us that Lucy is here for the wrong reasons. Sarah is so right! She’s not here for the right reasons at all! At all!

The Rose Ceremony is next. I still have no idea when this stupid show will end. Chris Harrison talks about how important his stupid Rose Ceremony is. I don’t see it at all. At all.

Robert gives his rose to Sarah. Graham gives his rose to ASHLeE. Cody roses Michelle Money. Marcus loves Lacy and tells her and we have to listen to it a bunch because he won’t stop talking about it and I wish this show would just end and now Cody is crying because what Marcus and Lacy have is so beautiful and I hate everything.

Zack gives his rose to Jackie. That leaves Jesse, Lucy and what’s her nuts. Jesse gives his rose to what’s her nuts. Lucy and her free spirited ways will have to go be naked on a different Mexican island. I’m sure the rest of Mexico will welcome Lucy with open arms. I’m not a big Lucy fan. I don’t love Lucy. I don’t love her at all. At all.

Four seconds after talking about how much she’d like to hump Jesse, Lucy calls him a jerk. It just goes to show you, if you dump a woman in Mexico and make her leave her Reality TV show paradisse/Claradise/Saradise, she will hold a grudge.

Next week, I don’t care what happens. I’m going to get black-out drunk.

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