Like the visible signs of an incurable venereal disease, ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’ is back. The ab-filled fun train took a few months off, but it’s full steam ahead for 2016. I know I told you all I was retiring from these terrible recaps but, like everything Chris Harrison says, that was a lie.
In case you don’t read this to the end (I wouldn’t) don’t forget to draft a Fantasy Bachelor team here on Trending Buffalo. It’s free, fun and super easy. Pick your three contestants now!
Anyway, a new season begins. Ben Higgins is looking for love and, even though I have no idea who Ben Higgins is, I’m going to watch him try to find it. ABC’s website says that “Bachelor Nation was heartbroken when fan-favorite Ben Higgins, the charming software salesman, was sent home by Kaitlyn.” I do not even remember this happening. I have no memory of Ben. The moment of Ben’s dumping must have been so very traumatic that I blocked it out completely in order to heal.
Ben says,”I’m just a normal guy from Warsaw, Indiana.” That was my yearbook quote. Chris Harrison tells us that this season Ben will “embark on an epic journey to find love.” I would describe it more as a short, pointless trip.
The preview footage bears promise of unplesantness. There will be tears, crazy behavior, lies, back stabbing, helicopters, more crying, making out, fakeness, twins and other stuff.
We begin the season by driving around Warsaw, Indiana with Ben while he talks about growing up in Warsaw. This season already has way more Warsaw, Indiana footage than I had anticipated. There’s footage of Ben playing football and basketball in Warsaw. Sports quota is filled right out of the box. There is footage of wheat and deer. Ben sits in the field of wheat and looks at the deer. This is going to be a great season. I really wish I didn’t have to do this.
Next, Ben visits his parents house. He walks into their yard and they act super surprised to see him. They can’t believe Ben is walking into their yard. It’s shocking, even though they’re fully mic’d and surrounded by Bachelor producers who have instructed them how to act as Ben walks into their yard. It’s so surprising that Ben would walk into their yard so unexpectedly!
Ben’s dad talks about love. I listen. I learn about love. Ben’s dad taught me more about love than my dad ever taught me. Ben’s mom cries. She teaches me nothing about love with her tears. Ben and his parents toast to love. You guys toasted to love at home too, admit it!
During the break, Ben is in a McDonald’s commercial with a bunch of other Bachelor people. I can’t wait for the polar ice caps to melt.
Next, Ben gets out of a car in front of the Bachelor mansion. Ben meets Chris the Farmer, Sean the Big Religious Guy and Jason Mesnick the Terrible Person. The four bros sit outside and talk about how you, as a bro, go about being the Bachelor. The bros tell Ben to be honest and make out with as many women as possible to practice. It’s bro-ey. I’m learning so much. Ben thanks the bros for coming on to the show. I’m impressed these guys found time in their busy schedules to help their friend Ben. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the opportunity to be on TV again.
Next, we get footage of Ben putting on a shirt while talking about how nervous he is to be the Bachelor. I don’t know why ABC couldn’t wait until after he got his shirt to get that important information, but who am I to question their methods?
Next, we get to meet the women. Lauren is a beachy surfer girl who meets a lot of people. Caila from Boston paints flowers in her kitchen. We watch her paint flowers. She paints them. We watch it. Jubilee is a soldier. She shoots a gun and tells the camera that, in her quest for love, “there may be some casualties.” I hate this show. Mandi is portrayed as super weird and eccentric. You guys don’t even know. She’s soooo crazy! She’s a dentist who does the crazy things! ABC’s got a crazy one here! She’s super eccentric! (She’s not really crazy or even interesting.)
Speaking of stupid and interesting, ABC brought in twins. Twins!! There’s so twinny! They look the same! I twididn’t see this coming! It’s twinriffic! I hate them twice as much as a regular contestant! It’s a twin-twin situation. Also, my idiot computer doesn’t think that “twinriffic” is a word.
Some woman is labeled as a Chicken Enthusiast. That’s what my guidance counselor said that I’d be. Chicken lady is afraid to leave her chickens. She says, “What comes first, the chicken or the Ben?” I can’t imagine what you must be thinking if this is the first time you’ve read my recap. All I can say is that I’m sorry, and they’re all like this. They’re all incredibly stupid. Please stop reading this. Save yourself.
Samantha tells us that her dad died of ALS when she was fifteen. She says that her dad would be so excited if she and Ben got married. I’m not sure that Samantha understands death.
The limos are next. Chris Harrison gets Ben ready with a speech. He says, “Everyone knows you’re 26 years old….” So, another season of this shit.
Lauren the flight attendant tells Ben that she’s “ready to take off on this journey.” Taylor jumps into Ben’s arms and says, “Thank you for catching me. Do you mind catching up with me inside?” Leah snapped Ben a football and said, “I knew you were a catch.” A homeless woman wandered on to the set and said to Ben “I may be homeless but I could live in your eyes.” Everything but that last thing actually happened.
A girl named Jamie spells her name Jami. She will be Jammy for the rest of the season, because that’s how my wife said it when she first read it. There is a woman named Lace. There’s a woman named Shushana. She doesn’t speak English. It actually sounded like ABC was playing her sound in reverse. There’s a woman named Red Velvet. One of the girls wore a rose on her head and another wore a unicorn mask. Keep up!
The twins arrive. Their twintastic. They’re awe-twinspiring. The twins talk at the same time. It’s twindorable. I hate them so much. I wish I had two hearts! You know, for all the hate???
Megan rides a tiny horse up to the mansion because she’s from Texas, or something. The horse goes into the mansion. ABC IS PASSIONATE ABOUT FINDING BEN LOVE SO THEY LET HORSES COME INTO THE MANSION!!!! Some woman rolls up on a hover board, which aren’t actually hover boards because they don’t hover, but who really cares. I can’t believe you read down this far. These gimmicks get worse ever year. I can’t wait until the day when one of the contestants arrives in full scuba gear, submerged in a giant fish tank and she has to be rolled around all season.
A girl named Jessica is normal. I’m going to draft her on my Fantasy team because the music was different when she met Ben. ABC likes her. Ben likes her. I hate her, but I hate everything. (Except twin-related puns!)
So, we met the women. We know them well. I still don’t remember Ben. There are seventeen Laurens. There are always seventeen Lauren. Most of the women are actresses planted by ABC to make their stupid show more interesting, I’m assuming.
Before he goes into the mansion, Ben calls his parents on a cell phone. Those cell phones are amazing. Ben talks to his parents about love. His parents where sleeping when he called, so we don’t learn a much more about love. Maybe ABC should have made sure Ben’s parents weren’t sleeping when they scheduled the phone call. Good job, ABC. I hope Ben’s dad isn’t late for work tomorrow because you can’t plan your stupid show.
As Ben is making his season-opening speech to his 25 girlfriends, Mandi the fake crazy lady with a rose on her head pulls him into the other room to check his teeth because she’s not a real contestant and most of this Reality TV show is written months before it happens. (Correction: 26 girlfriends because TWINS! It’s twonderful)
Other women talk about themselves. We watch it. There are a ton of words. The football woman plays football. It happens so fast that I say a prayer to Jesus to protect me from the breakneck speeds of The Bachelor. He must have been listening because I’m still here.
Just when we’re finally settling into another terrific season, ABC throws their first curve. Former contestants Becca and Amber arrive to the mansion. This show has no rules! We’re up to 28 girlfriends! It’s un-rulesey! I don’t remember Amber. Becca is the virgin who doesn’t shower, maybe? Chris Harrison says to Becca, “so much was made of your virginity…” That is in the clubhouse as my early favorite quote of the season.
Ben’s 26 other girlfriends react negatively to the appearance of Becca and Amber. They think that 28 girlfriends is 2 girlfriends too many. The girlfriends were just fine when there were only 26 girlfriends, but it’s not possible to handle the idea of 2 additional girlfriends. I think we all have our breaking points, and girlfriends #27 and #28 were Ben’s girlfriends’ breaking points.
Lace gets really drunk and slurs her words. I don’t know how anyone could watch this show and not learn the lesson of getting too drunk, but Lace doesn’t. She’s plenty drunk. She waddles up to Ben and asks him for a kiss. He politely declines because he can tell she’s drunk. Ben is such a gentleman, you guys! He apologizes to Lace for not making out, so she’ll probably be around awhile.
Chris Harrison brings in the first impression rose. The girls all get nervous because the first impression rose is a super big deal. If you get it, it means you get a rose! The stakes are so high, you guys. I’m nervous for all of Ben’s 28 girlfriends.
Lauren B tells Ben that she doesn’t get nervous. It’s a good trait for a flight attendant. Jennifer tells Ben how important morals and values are as she shows America 73% of her boobs.
Ben grabs the first impression rose and gives it to the newscaster, Olivia. I don’t like her. She seems super soulless. I’m pretty sure that everyone will hate Olivia soon, if they don’t already.
The rose ceremony is next. Samantha sums it up perfectly when she says, “28 people is a lot.” Ben agrees because he dumps some of the people. I don’t remember most of them. Jammy gets a rose. Jennifer gets a rose because she showed us all 73% of her boobs and she cares about values. Shashana got a rose even though she doesn’t speak English. Amber and Becca both get roses. Red Velvet got dumped.
Crazy Mandi with a rose on her head got a rose because she was planted by the network to get ratings and Ben was instructed by producers to move her along a couple of weeks. I mean, come on! You’re a man with 28 girlfriends and you keep the annoying one who wears a rose on her head? ABC thinks we’re stupid, you guys. Of course, I really showed them by continually watching and recapping their terrible show for 12 years!
Lace is still drunk and mad that it took Ben so long to give her a rose. She asks him to talk in the other room. If you’re new to this show, people take people in the other room when they want to tell them things. It’s how you do it. Lace complains that Ben didn’t pay attention to her as much as he did his 27 other girlfriends over the course of the last hour. Good move, Lace. Nagging a guy with 27 other girlfriends is a great way to stay in the mix. Guys love getting nagged by one of their 28 girlfriends.
We watch a preview of the upcoming season. You’re not going to believe this but, Ben falls in love with more than one woman. We see a preview of it. He sits on the edge of a cliff and thinks about it. It’s thinkey.
You guys, the twins got a rose. If they didn’t, it would have been a twintastrophe. It would have knocked the twind out of me. I would have been twinconsolable!
ABC has decided to add another hour of terribleness this year with an hour-long talk show recapping each episode. They take phone calls! I’m not recapping the recappedness. I refuse. Recap it yourself. I hate this show. I’m going to bed.
Don’t forget to draft your Bachelor Fantasy team. The draft page will be posted soon, and all you have to do is click on your three girls! Do it, or regret it forever.