Ben Higgins is an idiot. ABC has given him 28 women and he still doesn’t have a wife, even after dumping a bunch of them. How long does it take a guy to find a wife? Ben has 6 girlfriends remaining. One of them is a virgin. None of them have twins. It’s not the least bit interesting. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.
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We begin in Warsaw, Indiana, where Ben grew up. He walks in the park and thinks so we can watch him walk through the park and think. ABC makes Ben drive around in an old truck so we can understand how much of a “down-to-earth” guy he is. He’s super down-to-earthy.
Ben talks to his family in a diner, or something. His parents ask him about the girls he has been dry humping. He talks about his six girlfriends. We listen. It happens.
While Ben talks about his girlfriends, ABC shows them walking through the same park Ben walked through. I feel bad for the poor people of Warsaw because their park had to be shut down for the day so these idiots could walk around and think about love.
Ben brings the girls to their temporary house and then takes 4th Lauren away for a one-on-one date. The other girls hate on 4th Lauren for getting the first one-on-one date. You guys hated on 4th Lauren too, admit it!
Ben and 4th Lauren jump in their down-to-earth truck and drive around town so Ben can talk about his childhood. We see his school and church and a building that used to be a movie theater. Then, they make out. If you read down to the end of this recap, I’ll mail you twenty dollars.
The down-to-earth couple goes inside the school where a bunch of kids are playing basketball. Ben wants 4th Lauren to understand where he comes from so he shows her the gym he worked at. 4th Lauren understands him. You guys understand him too, admit it!
The school coach makes some kid named Ronnie make a half-court shot, so Ben has to kiss 4th Lauren in front of all the kids. It’s a good way to teach them about sex. Let that be a lesson to you kids at home, always make out with your girlfriend in front of kids.
Ben surprises the kids by bringing in a bunch of Indiana Pacers. They wear Indiana Pacer clothes because otherwise no one would know who they are. The kids do exercises with the Pacers. Later, the kids play against the Pacers in a fun basketball game. The Pacers lose by 23 points. Sports and cheesy joke quota filled.
The fun is interrupted when Ben finds a kid hanging out by himself. ABC lawyers forced the kid to cry to give them material for their stupid show. Ben comforts the kid. It’s so super down-to-earthy. If Ben was any more down-to-earth, he’d be dirt. Ben makes out with 4th Lauren a hundred times in front of children and the Indiana Pacers. I wish I thought to make that worth extra points in my Fantasy League. No one ever explains why this kid was sitting by himself and crying. He probably figured out that he’d have to watch ‘The Bachelor’.
After polluting the children’s eyes, Ben and 4th Lauren go to Ben’s apartment. Luckily, ABC camera guys are there so we can watch what happens. Ben and 4th Lauren drink wine and talk. There is so much talking. You guys have no idea. There are words and everything. At one point I thought the talking was over, but then Ben kept saying things. It was pretty down-to-earth. I’m sure regular people drink wine and talk, and that’s exactly what Ben and 4th Lauren are doing!
Ben tells 4th Lauren that he trusts her despite what some of the other contestants are saying about her. 4th Lauren says that it’s a huge weight lifted off of her shoulders. I think it’s a metaphor because there was nothing on her shoulders.
Next, they go to a bar. Keep up. Ben says, “She’ll get to see the real me.” Wait, what have we been watching? I thought this was the real Ben? Anyway, they’re only in the bar for 11 seconds, so I guess there isn’t much to the real Ben.
4th Lauren liked the 11 seconds she saw of the real Ben. She tells the camera, “I’m not in love with Ben the Bachelor, I’m in love with Ben from Warsaw, Indiana.” Wait, so I guess 4th Lauren is cheating on Ben with another Ben. I didn’t catch that. Boy, what a jerk!
Jo Jo gets a one-on-one date next. She travels to Chicago, so she won’t get to see the real Ben. Too bad for Jo Jo. She’ll have to settle for Chicago Ben. Jo Jo gets out of her cab and immediately hugs Ben with her car door left open. The cab can’t pull away. Jo Jo doesn’t care about traffic. It’s not like there are 2 million people waiting to drive down the street in Chicago, Jo Jo!
Ben takes Jo Jo to Wrigley Field because he’s a huge Cubs fan. ABC interns lay out a pair of Cubs jerseys that say Mr. and Mrs. Higgins on the back. It’s presumptuous. Next, they play baseball. It’s pretty stupid because you need at least 18 people to play baseball and they’ve only got two. ABC should have gotten more interns to play, or maybe the Pacers.
Ben and Jo Jo play baseball for a solid six minutes and I have to sit through it. I hate it a lot. You guys probably liked it. Weirdos. After all of the baseball, Ben and Jo Jo lie down on the field and talk. You guys, they’re LITERALLY down to earth!!!!!!!!!!1!!! Ben tells the camera that he’s more himself with Jo Jo than he is with anyone else. Wow, it would be amazing if he was with Jo Jo in a Warsaw bar. He’d be himself AND the real Ben. I’ll bet the universe would collapse on itself if that happened.
Coming back from commercial, ABC shows us the moon. The girls are back at their Warsaw house and they get the group date card. It’s revealed that Twingle will get a one-on-one date while Caila, Becca and Amanda will go on a group date. Twingle cries because she’s super happy about her one-on-one date. You guys cried too, admit it.
We’re back at Wrigley Field. Keep up! This is the most boring date in Bachelor history. Ben and Jo Jo talk and stuff. This guy can talk like no one’s business. They drink wine and talk more. Jo Jo thanks Ben for an incredible date, because it was all his doing and not orchestrated by ABC producers who gave them personalized jerseys and closed down Wrigley Field for the night. It’s not like you can just walk in from the street and hang out in center field.
Ben asks Jo Jo why she’s afraid of love. She doesn’t know why she’s afraid of love. Do you guys know why she’s afraid of love? Email me. Ben and Jo Jo talk some more. It’s a lot like a real date except neither of them are ignoring the other while looking down at their phone. Jo Jo says that her past is holding her back, but her heart is ready for love. Ben says that he’s seeing the real Jo Jo. What the hell is going on with people seeing the real version of other people tonight? It’s like that Roddy Piper movie ‘They Live’.
Jo Jo opens up to Ben. Ben says, “So, you’re on team Ben?” and Jo Jo says, “I’m more team Ben than anyone.” I feel sorry for my wife because, every day for the rest of my life, I’m going to ask her if she’s on Team Greg.
The group date is next. Becca, Amanda and Caila meet Ben on a farm because we haven’t reached the highest level of Ben’s down-to-earthiness yet. You guys, my computer didn’t underline “down-to-earthiness” with a red, squiggly line. I think it’s a real word!
The group of lovers fly kites. It happens. We watch it. Then, they go to a barn. Keep up! There’s a rose sitting in the middle of the barn and Ben talks about how much it would mean for one of his girlfriends to get that rose because hometown dates are next. If you’re new to the show, hometown dates are the most down-to-earthiness thing that has ever happened.
The mood for the group date is great because none of the girls want to be there. They don’t like sharing their boyfriend with the other girls. They’re pandas in a room full of brown bears.
Ben pulls Amanda aside. They walk off to sit on a hay bale on which Bachelor interns have placed a super down-to-earth plaid blanket. Amanda tells Ben about her kids and her struggles. Ben listens to her open up about her struggles. Then, they make out.
Becca gets pulled aside next. They go to a different hay bale. There are so many hay bales in Warsaw. You guys have no idea. I’ve been to some places where the hay was, like, all over the place. Warsaw organizes their hay neatly into bales. I gotta get there some day.
Becca tells Ben that she’s insecure and stressed out because she likes Ben but she doesn’t feel like he feels the same way about her. She says, “If I’m one of the two girls who goes home without a rose, I’ll be like what am I doing here?” Actually, Becca, you wouldn’t be “here”, you’d be there, because you didn’t get a rose so you’d be home. Keep up!
The three girls sit in the barn and talk about how much the rose means. I don’t know where Ben is. He’s probably off being himself.
Ben eventually comes back and grabs Caila for some alone time. He doesn’t take her to a hay bale. They sit on a bench and immediately make out. Ben is into Caila. I mean, he’s not being himself or the real Ben, but he likes Caila. I wonder if the real Ben likes Caila. There’s no time to think about it because unreal Ben and Caila are still talking on their bench. Caila talks about her past. We listen. It happens.
Before we even get a chance to process what Caila is saying, we’re back in the barn and Ben is handing out the group date rose. I’m totally out of breath. Ben gives the group date rose to Amanda. She accepts it. The other girls watch them hug. Then, Ben takes Amanda away and leaves the other two in the barn. It’s awko taco.
Caila and Becca sit on chairs in the barn and cry. Why doesn’t the barn have hay bales? Becca is devastated because she put herself out there and got rejected. You guys put yourselves out there too, admit it!
Caila questions whether or not she’s what Ben is looking for. I’d guess no, Caila, because he left you in a barn. But, I’m not Ben, so I can’t be sure what he’s looking for. Maybe he’s into girls who sit alone in a barn? Maybe that’s his thing? He wasn’t in a barn or alone with Jo Jo, so it wasn’t even the real Ben.
Caila and Becca go home to cry. They’re comforted by the other girls also dating their boyfriend. This show isn’t right.
Ben and Amanda continue their date at McDonald’s because that’s the most down-to-earth thing that could possibly happen. ABC makes sure that we clearly hear their orders, specifically that it’s now possible to order breakfast at any time. This is a 5-minute McDonald’s commercial. I hate this show so much. Ben and Amanda eat a French Fry like Lady and the Tramp, except they’re not dogs.
As Ben eats a fry out of Amanda’s mouth, he says to the camera, “I’ve never dated a woman with kids before, but Amanda is so great.” So, does Ben think that women with kids just feed people fries out of their mouth all day? Is the real Ben this stupid? There’s no time to answer that because Ben and Amanda are still in McDonald’s, eating their food. They’re actually eating their food. For the first time ever, Bachelor people are not just leaving their food to waste, and it’s crappy McDonald’s. ABC has some powerful lawyers.
They leave the restaurant and go to a Warsaw fair, or something. It’s down-to-earthicle! The mayor welcomes them. They play games. Amanda wishes that her kids were at the fair with her. Maybe she shouldn’t have abandoned them to be on television.
Ben gets surrounded by a bunch of kids who beat him with plastic bats. I don’t know where the parents of these children are. I guess, in Warsaw, you just let the carnies raise your kids. Ben and Amanda make out on the Ferris Wheel while the kids of Warsaw watch. I’m sure the Indiana Pacers were there watching too, along with Claire’s dad.
Twingle’s one-on-one date is next. They get on a boat in Warsaw and look at swans. So far, this date is awesome and down-to-earth. Ben admits to the camera that he’s not sure if Twingle is wife material. I wondered the same thing because she never lies around Wrigley Field and hardly ever stars in a fashion show.
Ben takes Twingle to his parents’ house to meet his family. The Bens all hug Twingle and make her feel welcome. You guys felt welcome too, admit it. Twingle is super nervous because she doesn’t want to screw up. She’s says she’s only 23 and overthinks things. I don’t think overthinking is a problem for her, but I’m not an expert on twins.
Ben’s mom pulls Twingle aside to talk about life and love. They talk about life and love. It happens. We watch it. Ben talks to his dad about Twingle. The young age of Twingle is a big topic of conversation. Ben’s mom is worried. She doesn’t seem concerned with her son’s tendency to date dozens of women at the same time on TV, but a 23-year old girl is apparently a problem.
Twingle is super happy with her date, but she can’t hear the sinister music ABC plays while she rambles on in front of Ben’s parents. The date didn’t go well. Ben isn’t sold on Twingle. She must not be down-to-earthy enough for him.
Ben and Twingle get back on their boat and go home. ABC makes Twingle look stupid by showing her talking to the camera about her happiness when it’s clear that Ben is about to dump her. He’s not happy. He is using that somber “I have to dump one of my girlfriends” face. Right after he says something nice, Ben tells Twingle, “I just don’t think I can see you being my wife.” That’s a really harsh thing to say to a person. I hardly ever say that to anyone.
ABC plays soft “Ben can’t see Twingle being his wife” music. Twingle gets sad and asks for an explanation. Ben tells her that their relationship was good for him. They hug goodbye. The other girlfriends watch all of this through a window because this show is stupid.
Twingle doesn’t call him a jerk or get mad because she wants to come back and be on TV again. I would bet you a million dollars that Twingle will be reunited with her twin and they’ll come back as Co-Bachelorettes. It’s almost a 100% certainty. If ABC doesn’t make Twingle and her twin the next Bachelorettes, I’m going to drive a truck off the Peace Bridge. Twingle cries in her limo SUV and tells the camera that whoever ends up with Ben will be a lucky girl. She really wants that Bachelorette job.
The Rose Ceremony is next. Ben has to dump one more girlfriend, but he’s not sure what to do. Chris Harrison has a serious conversation with Ben to help him decide who to dump. Chris Harrison is a pretty good friend. They sit on the steps of some Warsaw building and talk. Ben tells Chris Harrison that he’s figured out who to dump and he gets up to dump that person.
Becca is the person who Ben decided to dump. If you watch the show, you’re not surprised. If you don’t watch the show, you’re just the luckiest person in the world. You’re not down to earth, you hover above it.
Becca hugs her friends who were also girlfriends of her boyfriend. Ben tries to walk her out, but she walks super fast because she’s mad. She confronts Ben about his dumpedness. He tries to explain, but it doesn’t help. Becca comes to her senses and accepts her dumping. She came close to standing up for herself, and you don’t want to do that if you want any chance at being ‘The Bachelorette’! Let that be a lesson to you ladies at home, never ever stand up for yourself or question a man! Especially not if he’s super down-to-earth!
Becca cries in her limo SUV and tells the camera that she doesn’t want to be alone. She should stay out of Wrigley Field then, because that place is empty.
Next week, Ben goes on four hometown dates and it’ll be terrible because it always is.
I decided not to recap the 20-season Bachelor Anniversary Valentine’s Day Special because I didn’t want to. It was 2 hours of “I don’t remember her. I don’t remember him. Oh, I remember hating her. Michelle Money looks terrible. I remember how terrible that girl was. She was the worst, no SHE was the worst!” The words “American”, “Television” and “History” were used right after each other. Also, Chris Harrison changed “pregnant” into two words to emphasize the extreme pregnicity of a woman. He said, “You are preg nant!” So, there’s your recap.