If you think you have problems, Nick V. has 22 girlfriends. That’s a ton of girlfriends. Nick dumped a bunch of girlfriends last week and will attempt to date the remainders tonight in the hopes of finding his one and only side piece. There will be tears. There will be smoochey times. There will probably be Bachelor paramedics. And there will most certainly be drama. Shakespeare’s got nothing on The Bachelor. Mostly because he’s dead.
We begin tonight’s episode like we begin every episode; with nothing. There is never anything because this show is bereft of meaning or value. Nick V.’s girlfriends stand in a kitchen, raise their glasses and toast to each other and their datingness of Nick. Whenever I’m dating a guy who’s dating a bunch of other girls, I like to celebrate with them.
Chris Harrison pulls the group together to lay down the groundwork. There will be two group dates and a 1-on-1 date. Some of the girls will not get a date with Nick and that makes them sad. You guys were sad too, admit it.
First comes a group date. The date card says, “Always a bridesmaid dot dot dot.” There may have been actual dots and not the word dot, but I’m not sure. They wouldn’t show us the date card.
The girls are super excited for their bridesmaid date. Corrine says, “In my dream date, I’d just be marrying Nick right now!” I’m not one to bash the intentions of the contestants on this show, but Corrine just said that she’s ready to marry a guy she’s known for 10 minutes.
It’s clear by the preview footage, Corrine is the one every hates. She’s been hired by producers to act mean and make the other girls angry. She’s doing a great job so far. I’m sure things will escalate.
Nick gathers with his girlfriends in a garden or something. He tells them that they’re all going to take wedding photos. When I try to take wedding photos with a girl on a first date, it was rapey. With Nick V., it’s super fun and spontaneous. Life is literally not fair.
Nick says that the photographer is Franco Prosciutto and the girls all cheer like they know who that is. Like they’re all lounging around reading Photographers Monthly.
The women are dressed up in crazy character bride costumes. Jasmine is a pregnant bride who has never heard of a shotgun wedding. She must be from the suburbs. Britney has no top on because ratings. Hailey gets her picture taken near Nick’s crotch. Doesn’t ABC own Disney?
Nick V. gets bored with the picture taking and makes out with all his girlfriends. There’s a ton of slurping. The mouths of ten women are breached in an 8-second span.
The best part of the photo shoot is the photographer’s outfit. He’s basically wearing a High School Trapper Keeper made into a toddler onesie. It’s a good thing he’s on the other side of the camera.
Corrine is mad because Britney got to wear a topless bikini. She gets revenge by being super slutty in the pool. Corrine takes off her top and rubs a black bar on Nick V.’s chest. Nick puts his hands on Corrine’s buoys. It’s wholesome. Nick doesn’t really seem to be comfortable posing with a topless woman. Well, he better get used to it because it’s only the first week. He’ll be in a pool with a topless woman every day for the next month. That’s what being the Bachelor is all about.
Corrine is proud of her topless moment. She says “I feel like Nick and I connected on a different level.” That “level” is “porno”, Corrine. It’s one level above prostitution, girl.
Corrine’s daring boob action wins her the challenge. She gets alone time with Nick V. It’s the ultimate prize. When you watch the Super Bowl, they’ll interview a guy from the winning team and he’ll say, “I feel like I just won alone time with Nick.” Sports quota filled.
After the photoshoot, there’s a cocktail party on a rooftop. In the history of The Bachelor, there has never not been a cocktail party on a rooftop
Corrine is super drunk and won’t stop talking. I’ve met guys at the St. Patrick’s Day parade who had less to drink than Corrine. She makes out with Nick some more and talks to the camera about her feelings. I won’t be able to type it all because my brain keeps exploding, but Corrine says, “When I feel something, I feel it with my whole heart. I feel so…I feel so much. I can definitely see myself falling in love with Nick because I’m already falling for Nick. I’m just going to keep falling and falling and falling and I’m just gonna keep trying to grab him first, first, first, first, and hopefully feelings grown stronger and stronger and stronger.” And I wish I was dead, dead, dead, dead.
Corrine’s voice is bad. We’re an hour into the second week and I already hate Corrine more than any other Bachelor character aside from Ashley H. Corrine’s voice sounds like someone scraping their front teeth across a chalkboard. I’d rather listen to a dog cry out in pain. Corrine’s voice sounds like if Hitler’s asshole could talk. If Hitler pulled his pants down, turned around and talked out his asshole, his asshole would make the sound Corrine makes when she talks. If aids made a noise, it would be Corrine’s voice.
Back to the cocktail party. Keep up. Nick makes out with more girlfriends. This guy’s jaw must be super sore. I’ll bet he worked with Bachelor trainers in the offseason to prepare for the slurpfest. In 20 years, because of The Bachelor, slurping will be an Olympic sport.
Raven literally pulls Nick aside for some alone time. She literally admits that she’s a nice girl and nervous about dating a guy who is also dating 21 other women. Raven literally says, “I’m attracted to assholes because they just speak their mind and they’re open.” I think Raven is confusing assholes with therapists.
The drama builds. Corrine ups her villain game by interrupting Nick when he’s with a girl I don’t recognize. The rest of the girls get mad at Corrine for being all interupty. Hey, villains gotta vil.
When she returns from her interrupting, the other girls act mad and give Corrine the silent treatment. Corrine fights back. She says, “If you guys can’t handle being interrupted, what are you doing here?” I have to admit, it’s a valid question. Corrine drinks her alcohol and says, “Cheers, bitches.” That was my yearbook quote.
Taylor talks to Nick about her hopes and dreams. It’s a stupid thing to do. You’re supposed to make out with the Bachelor, not tell him about yourself. What an idiot! As she’s talking, Corrine walks up and interrupts! Again! I know what you guys are saying! You’re all like “She interrupted again?” and I’m all “Yup.” And you guys are all “Shut the front door.” And I can’t even.
Corrine doesn’t really have anything to say when she interrupts. She rambles to Nick about nothing. You guys, I’m beginning to think that Corrine didn’t have anything important to say to Nick. She may have just interrupted to be mean.
In a huge plot twist, Taylor comes back and interrupts back at Corrine. It’s a re-interruption! Corrine does not handle it well. Despite her tough talk, she tells the camera that Whitney’s re-interruption was rude. Corrine says, “She re-interrupted me! It’s very rude. There’s a way to go about things and the way to go about things is very classy and not directed toward a character in general. The way she did it was very directed toward Corrine. If you take a direct hit at Corrine, I’m going to say something.” I love that whole statement. I want to print out that statement on a metal sign and tap it on my way out the door every day like a Notre Dame football player.
To recap, a woman dating a man with 21 other girlfriends who took her top off on national TV and interrupts other girls draws the line at re-interrupting. It’s too bad Moses didn’t have anything about re-interrupting on those tablets. Then, we would have known it was wrong.
Corrine tells Taylor that there’s no hard feelings for the re-interrupting her. That’s “As long as there’s no situation about the situation, I’m okay.” I’m exhausted from all of these Corrine quotes. I hope she goes home soon because I can’t keep up with her. She’s a national treasure.
Bachelor producers make Nick give Corrine the group date rose because they want to make sure I’m never happy. The other girlfriends don’t like that Corrine got the group date rose. They question whether or not Nick is here for the right reasons. It’s a fair question. Corrine doesn’t care. She says, “Dad would be proud, even though I was naked. He would be proud.” I hope Corrine’s dad is watching this episode with his work buddies.
Danielle gets the 1-on-1 date. Her girlfriends are super excited for her. They all laugh together and celebrate the fact that Danielle is taking out their boyfriend on a date. It’s heartwarming.
Nick picks Danielle up IN A HELICOPTER!!!!!!! It’s good to see ABC still thinks that helicopter rides are exciting. They must think we’re all 8 years old. Are helicopter rides even rare anymore? Everyone rides helicopters. They’ve practically replaced school buses.
Nick and Danielle land in Newport Beach. Without hesitation, they get on a boat and drink alcohol. I don’t think the human body should go straight from helicopter to boat. It’s a shock to your system. You should spend some time in a decompression chamber for a few minutes. I hope the Bachelor medics are ready.
Back at the mansion, Liz (she’s Liz now) tells one of the other girls about her past. It’s pasty. Liz tells Christen about the night she slept with Nick after that wedding. There’s a bunch of bleeped out details. She says, “There was a lot of alcohol and a lot of (robot noises).” She really did that. She simulated sex with robot noises. What kind of sex is she having? Apparently, robot sex.
We’re back to Danielle’s 1-on-1 date. Keep up! Danielle and Nick sit down at a café in a deserted town to not eat food. Nick asks Danielle how the date is going. She says it’s going great. Sorry to throw all these details at you so quickly, but things happen fast on this show. Keep up.
Danielle asks Nick about his experiences on The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise. Nick says a bunch of words. We listen. It happens. Where the hell are they? There are literally no other people at this café. Can ABC just close a city to film their crappy show? Did everyone in this town watch Corrine talk and instantly burst into flames? How come you guys never answer my questions???!!!
Danielle tells Nick her sad story. She was engaged to be married but her fiancé overdosed on drugs and died. ABC plays soft “Danielle’s fiancé died” music. Nick consoles Danielle. It’s consoley. Danielle was nervous about telling Nick her story, but Nick makes her feel super better. He says that he admires Danielle even more now because she has a dead fiancé. Let that be a lesson to you guys, always have a dead fiancé. If your fiancé dies, don’t be sad. You’re instantly more admirable. Just to be safe, have four or five dead fiancés handy.
Danielle’s dead fiancé trick works. Nick gives her a rose. So, she may have lost a fiancé, but she gained another week on the worst game show ever created.
Nick and Danielle get on a Ferris Wheel. There are no other people on this Ferris Wheel. It’s a waste of electricity. I’m sure some inner-city kids would love a free ride on that Ferris Wheel, but it’s their fault for being poor and undateable. Maybe, if the inner city kids get dead fiancés, they can have a ride on a Ferris Wheel.
The other group date is next. Why are you reading this? Are you under duress? Should we call someone? No one should be forced to read these. Just say no.
This group date will not contain Corrine, unless she interrupts it. Anything is possible. This show has no rules. The date card says, “We need to talk.” Nick takes his girlfriends to a museum of broken relationships. I didn’t know this existed. I hope I’m in there!
The girls walk around and look at displays of things people left behind from broken relationships. Nick’s engagement ring that he picked out for Kaitlyn is in the museum. ABC plays soft “Nick got dumped by Kaitlyn” music. Nick says that his dumping gave him clarity. You guys got clarity from Nick’s dumping too, admit it!
The group date is interrupted by the terrible acting of a couple fake fighting. It’s part of the exhibit. Nick’s girlfriends will take turns breaking up with Nick, but not for real. It’s all a big goof for fun. It’s super fun. I’m having so much fun. I might pass out.
Liz (she’s Liz now) has trouble on her group date. Nick doesn’t make eye contact with her. Nick doesn’t talk to her. He’s avoiding her. Liz cries a bunch because she’s sad. I’d be sad if the guy I was dating paid more attention to his other 21 girlfriends than he did to me.
The breakups are next. We watch Nick’s girlfriends’ fake breakup with him. It’s super goofy. I lol a ton. I call my dad and we laugh and talk about our favorite break up.
Liz’s breakup isn’t super goofy because she’s sad about her feelings. Liz (she’s Liz now) uses the stage to tell the real life story about how she slept with Nick after a wedding. No one is laughing. Christen knows what’s going on because Liz told her about it at the pool. Do you guys remember that? It happened a while ago.
The breakup is confusing to the other girlfriends. Nick doesn’t know what to say. He says, “Okay.” ABC plays dramatic music. The National Championship of College Football is on another channel. I hate my life.
After that stupidness, Nick brings his girlfriends to a cocktail party. Nick is worried that Liz (She’s Liz now) has told the other girlfriends about their history. He calls it “the Liz Situation.” That would be a great band name.
Christen talks to Nick about the Liz Situation. She admits that Liz told her the story. Nick isn’t comfortable with the news. It’s awko taco. My stupid computer still doesn’t think that awko is a word.
Nick explains the Liz Situation. We listen to their conversation about the Liz Situation. He thanks Christen for talking about the Liz Situation. They should call it The Lizuation for short. It would save us all so much time.
Nick pulls Liz aside to discuss the Lizuation (see how much time this is saving??!!). Nick doesn’t think the Lizuation is a big deal. He said they were just two adults having fun. Nick doesn’t appreciate Liz (she’s Liz now) sharing their secret. He said that Liz doesn’t deserve to be upset because she never called him. You guys have to admit, it’s a fair point.
Liz explains that she didn’t call Nick because she didn’t want to give him the wrong idea. I guess the wrong idea would be that she wanted to spend time with him. That’d be a terrible thing to convey to someone you wanted to date.
Nick doesn’t really like Liz. She’s his least favorite girlfriend. Liz is 22-out-of-22. Nick dumps Liz. That’s the end of the Liz Situation. It was over before I had a chance to annoy you with my many references to the Liz Situation, or Lizuation as it’s come to be known. It’s a good thing no one reads down this far because I don’t even know what I’m typing anymore.
Nick is happy he dumped Liz, but he’s bummed out because he has to tell his other girlfriends about the Lizuation. You guys, there’s still more Lizuation! Nick tells the girls he dumped Liz and that he slept with her after a wedding prior to becoming the Bachelor. The other girlfriends listen to the story and nod a bunch. The music played while Nick explains the Lizuation is the same music you’d hear in a movie about a nuclear holocaust.
Just as things are getting Lizuationey, ABC slaps a big ‘To Be Continued’ on the screen and tells us that we have to wait until next week. I punch a coffee table in half. The preview for next week shows that Nick’s girlfriends are super upset and emotional over the Lizuation. So, if you’re keeping score at home, when your boyfriend puts his hands on a woman’s bare chest, that’s not big deal, but if he slept with a woman after a wedding before meeting you, it’s the end of the world. I’m so happy the world is ending. I’ll never have to listen to Corrine talk again.