So the Bills made the playoffs for the first time in 17 years (sports quota filled) and my first question was, “How will the universe make me pay for this?” The answer, of course, comes a day later in the form of a brand new season of ‘The Bachelor’. Chris Harrison is back and he’s brought an old friend, Arie Luyendyk Jr. Arie lost as a contestant in a previous season of the Bachelorette. ABC decided, “We love losers! Our entire business model is based on losers! Let’s get this guy out of a race car and into American homes!” I know, that’s a weird quote, but I swear it happened. Anyway, here’s a terrible recap of a terrible show. It’s ‘The Bachelor’!
Before we start, ABC did this super adorable thing. See, the Bachelor’s name is Arie, and the show is starting in January, so ABC is calling it, wait for it, Januarie! Get it?! It’s his name, in the month! When I first saw it, I was all whoa, that’s not right. They spelled January wrong. Then, I put 2 and 2 together and I just laughed my head off. Seriously, I missed two days of work from laughing. There’s permanent damage to my ribs. It hurts to breathe. Well done, ABC. Bravo. Also, I just right clicked and taught my computer that Januarie is a word, so it didn’t keep underlining it with a red squiggly line. 2018 is already the worst!
We begin with Arie sitting in the stands at a race track. He’s thinking. It’s thinky. Arie says, “This is the most important race of my life.” Arie was a race car driver, much unlike the Primus song. I can’t wait for a season’s worth of racing puns. I guess you can say I’m strapped in for racing puns. I’m waving the green flag for racing puns. I’m trying pull my burning torso from the charred remains of all these racing puns.
ABC shows us parts of the Bachelorette season where Emily dumped Arie. It’s super recappy. The flashback is like 20 minutes long, because ABC hates original content. We’re reminded of how emotional it was when Emily dumped Arie. Emotions were revving like engines.
Next, we learn about Arie. He went from racing to real estate because rich people have rich friends who buy lots of homes. After learning that, we learn more. Big Catholic Sean Bachelor comes back to tell us how great Arie is. He should know. He and Arie are good friends. They’re best friends. Sean is like Arie’s pit crew chief. I already hate my recap, so you can go ahead and not read it.
Next, we meet Arie’s 29 girlfriends. ABC picks a bunch of them to showcase in special video packages. Chelsea from Portland is a single mom, so she won’t win. She’s super single mommified because she makes sandwiches. ABC shows her making sandwiches, so you know Chelsea is the real deal. She’s the single mommiest.
Caroline from Fort Lauderdale is a real estate agent and seems like the worst. I don’t like her. Not that I ever like anyone on this show. Maquel is a photographer who’s name is Maquel. Some people shouldn’t name kids.
Nysha is a nurse. ABC shows us footage of her nursing in full make-up and styled hair. You really get a feel for how good someone is at nursing when you see them all glammed up. It’s very hard to check someone’s blood pressure if you’re eyelashes aren’t on fleek.
Tia is from Weiner. She shoots guns. That’s what you do in Weiner. If you guys are ever in Weiner, bring a gun. Kendall does taxidermy because that’s a stupid thing to do and ABC loves it when you do stupid stuff. If your job is to retrieve shopping carts from the bottom of the ocean, you could be on ‘The Bachelor’.
Becca is a nanny. She actually spells her name Bekah because no one is trying anymore. The other way to get on ‘The Bachelor’ is to spell your name in the complete wrong way.
Marihk kick boxes. We know this because ABC shows us kick boxing footage. I yelled out, “Wait, does she kick box?” Then, ABC showed her kickboxing, so it’s confirmed. Marihk also a chef at her own restaurant, so she’s a two-sport star like Deion Sanders.
Can I stop this recap right here for a second? This is the 22nd season of this terrible show. I started recapping season 3. Toss in 13 seasons of ‘The Bachelorette’ and I have recapped 33 seasons of burning garbage. The worst part is, every single recap is exactly the same. I guess I just wanted to apologize for that. Not that it matters because there’s no chance you read down this far. Anyway, back to the recap.
Next up, Arie arrives to the Bachelor mansion to meet Chris Harrison. Harrison asks him how he’s doing and Arie says he’s excited. You guys are excited too, admit it. We get to see a bunch of desperate women try hard to stand out by doing incredibly stupid and cheesy things. Yay.
Arie’s girlfriends arrive in their limos. That one I didn’t like, Caroline, is the first woman out. I still don’t like her. She’s stupid.
Chelsea steps out. She says absolutely nothing of interest and, as she walks away, Arie says, “She’s interesting.” So, Arie is interested in the completely uninteresting. Good to know.
Some woman named Cian gives Arie elephant cufflinks. That’s what guys want, ladies. Guys want elephant cufflinks. When I first met my wife, she didn’t give me elephant cufflinks, so I drove her to the airport and left her there. After the third time this happened, she caught on and gave me elephant cufflinks.
The girl from Wiener gave Arie a little wiener.
Brie threw a ball at Arie because she’s a sports reporter. Brittane is a new way to spell Brittany. Brittane puts a bumper sticker on Arie’s butt. Every time I think I couldn’t hate this show more, someone bumps up my level of hate.
Krystal steps out of the limo and ABC plays special Krystal music. She’s a complete ditz, but is likely to go far based on the special music. If you’re in one of those Fantasy leagues, draft Krystal. I’m certain she will be hated by all.
The nanny woman Bekah drives up in a Mustang. She must hate limos. Her name is Bekah, so her parents are illiterate.
Jenna is the 48th blonde woman to join the show. She talks with her hands and I hate her very much. Jessica is another blonde. She gives Arie a rock and there’s now a hole in my stomach from hate acid. I hate so much everything that has happened and we’re only 37 minutes in.
There’s a second Becca, but she’s Becca, not Bekah. Still, I’m going to call her second Becca. There are 4 Laurens. That ties the record for Laurens in one Bachelor season. There’s only one Ashley and she spells her named correctly, so this entire season is a failure.
A woman named Amber says she’s seen a bunch of dicks. I am not kidding about that. There’s a woman named Bibiana and I don’t know anything anymore. I’m not completely sure I haven’t died and now reside in hell.
After every woman climbs out of the limo and says their stupid thing, Arie says, “That’s so funny.” We’re in for a super fun season with a man who has no redeeming qualities.
Finally, Maquel drives up in an Indy race car because Arie is an Indy race car driver. They’ll have so much to talk about. Arie’s other girlfriends do not like Maquel because she thought to drive up in an Indy race car and they did not. Villains gotta vil.
Next up, there’s a cocktail party so Arie can get to know his 29 girlfriends. The ladies all talk about how good looking Arie is. I don’t see it, but my eyes are filled with hate. Chris Harrison wishes Arie good luck because Chris Harrison has Arie’s best interests in mind and isn’t the worst human being who ever lived.
There’s a ton of competition for time with Arie. Chelsea, who is openly awful, pulls Arie away first. She tells Arie that she’s mysterious. When someone tells you they’re mysterious, that means they’re shallow as hell and completely insecure. Not one single person in history has referred to themselves as mysterious and had it hold up to be true.
Maquel interrupts Chelsea’s one-on-one time and that makes Chelsea hate her more. There’s so much hate going on. Between their hate and my hate, the earth might melt. Usually, we have to wait at least an hour and half to see the hate spew, but ABC is putting their ‘hate’ pedal to the floor. That’s another racing reference. I told you guys to strap in! Keep up!
Next, there’s a race with little race cars. Brittany T. challenges Arie to a race with little toy race cars. She says, if she wins, Arie has to kiss her. If a guy does that, he’s on the news, but it’s cool for Brittany T. Arie wins their stupid toy race car race, but he still kissed her. THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES! Brittany T. gets the first kiss. She loved her kiss. She says, “His lips are like clouds.” So, Arie’s lips have no form and are full of condensation. I guess that’s why I’m terrible at kissing. I never rain moisture on women when I’m kissing them. I’ve been such an idiot. Why hasn’t my wife left me yet?
Next up, one of Arie’s girlfriends plays a ukulele and no one stops her. It’s terrible. It takes like 14 seconds. I hate this show. One of the Laurens pushes pineapple in Arie’s mouth. The woman who makes a lot of motions with her hands washes his feet. Everyone’s getting to know each other. I wouldn’t be surprised if Arie just immediately falls in love and cancels the rest of the season. This isn’t at all stupid.
Chelsea continues to push forward as villain #1. She’s been talking crazy all night and interrupts Krystal’s time with Arie. Chelsea tells Arie that she’s here for him and then they make out. It’s so super slurpy. I forgot how uncomfortable the making out is on this show. They must implant the microphones right on these people’s teeth. The slurping is so loud. My ears are bleeding.
The other girlfriends get mad at Chelsea because she had 2 alone times with Arie. It’s well known that, on the first night, the maximum amount of alone times you should have with Arie is 1. Chelsea doubled that. Whenever I’m trying to find a husband, I’m always careful not to disobey the unwritten rules about how many times you’re allowed to interrupt his conversations with his other girlfriends. That’s just common sense.
Bekah pulls Arie outside and asks him to list 3 things that excite him. I fall asleep before he gets to 2. This Arie guy is terrible. He likes everything that everyone says and appears to not have any emotion beyond pleasant acceptance. His tachometer never gets above 2,000. That’s a racing term, I think. I really don’t know. The good news is, no one has read down this far.
Next up, Chelsea gets the first impression rose, thus solidifying her villainess. She tells the camera that, when she sees something she wants, she goes after it. Hopefully she never wants my breakfast sausage because I’ll stab a bitch.
Chris Harrison ruins the fun by clinking his glass and announcing the start of the rose ceremony. The evening has totally flown by. It seems like I’ve only wanted to kill myself for 28 minutes, not 2 hours.
Next up, Arie dumps a bunch of his 29 girlfriends. Before dumping them, he tells the group that it’s not easy to dump them. I’m sure that will make them feel better. While she’s waiting for a rose, Krystal says that she feels like a “smitten kitten.” I would rather date a dead ferret than date a woman who uses the phrase “smitten kitten.” Arie disagrees because he gave Krystal a rose.
I can’t keep track of everyone who got a rose because most of them are blonde and basically the same vapid human. I’ve seen more substance in a National Lampoons movie. These idiots talk about how much they want a rose because they feel close to man they’ve known for 18 seconds. I know they’re just saying it because they want to be on TV, but it doesn’t make it less stupid.
Among the notables to not get a rose are the woman with the hair and the one who said the thing. I don’t recognize any of them. It doesn’t matter. In one million years, none of this will ever matter. Jessica cries to the camera after getting dumped because her dad once met Arie and, if she married Arie, it would mean that her dad once met her husband. My wife gets super mad at me when I laugh. Jessica should have gotten a dead dad DVD like Claire. Claire’s dad is always watching.
Amber cries to the camera because this was her one chance at love. She says that she deserves love but won’t find it. I don’t think Amber knows about the internet. She could find love with 4 mouse clicks. You don’t need to date an idiot on TV to find love. I mean, it’s one way, but there are others.
Arie toasts with his remaining girlfriends. Everyone is happy, except me. I’m not happy. I hate this show more than ever. You guys hate this show more than ever too, admit it. No one read down this far. The recap is over. Stop reading these so I can quit. Please.