Tonight is a very special episode, in that it’s so uninteresting and so bereft of content that it is a miracle of nothing. Not a thing happens. If a bug walked across the floor unnoticed during the taping of this episode, that would have been something, but that did not happen. Nothing happened. This show is a black hole of entertainment, constantly expanding and absorbing any joy that I once held in my heart. It’s the opposite of entertainment. It’s a vacuum. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’.
JoJo Fletcher has only six boyfriends remaining. That is not a lot of boyfriends. I’ve seen homeless women with more than 6 boyfriends. JoJo only has 6 pairs of lips to make out with. She might die.
We begin with a three-minute preview of things we are about to see. ABC loves to tell you what you’re going to see instead of just showing it to you. They’re like a 3-year old with a frog saying, “Guess what I have?”
Next, we’re shown important footage of JoJo folding clothes while she talks about how tough this journey has been. She knows how important tonight’s episode is because next week is the week where she visits the hometowns of her remaining boyfriends. If you’re new to the show, hometown week is more important than oxygen. If human beings do not have hometown week, their insides explode. Ask your science teacher.
Next, the bros sit around in their hotel and discuss how difficult last week’s show was. You see, at the end of the show, JoJo acted like she didn’t have any roses to give, but she was just goofing and gave both James Taylor and Alex a rose, so no one went home. The guys took it pretty hard. They use the term “shell shock” to describe how difficult it was. The definition of shell shock is psychological disturbance caused by prolonged exposure to active warfare, especially being under bombardment, so you can see where they’re coming from. You guys were shell shocked too, admit it!
The group is still in Buenos Aires, for some reason. You can’t find love by staying in one city. You gotta duck and move, JoJo! What kind of idiot stays in one city and expects to find love? A stupid idiot, that’s who.
Chris Harrison arrives and tells the guys that they’re all here because JoJo wants them here. I’m really glad to have that spelled out for me. Chris Harrison hands out the first date card. Alex will go on his first 1-on-1 date with the girl he’s been dating for 6 weeks. I usually wait until the 7th week to go on an actual date with my girlfriend, but Alex likes to just jump right into things.
JoJo takes Alex to some place in Buenos Aires. It’s just a place. You guys have seen places before. Figure it out. Meanwhile the other boyfriends take a bus to a different place. They do a rap song because ABC wants my brain to actually melt and drip out of my ear holes. Back on JoJo and Alex’s date, nothing is happening. It’s awko taco. The boring couple arrives at a ranch and they pretend like they are cowboys or gauchos. Alex has to wear a French beret to be an Argentinian gaucho. I’m confused, but I don’t care enough to open Google and research any of this.
What follows is 10 solid minutes of gauchoing. My computer doesn’t think you can make the word gaucho a verb. Alex and JoJo gaucho the horses. Please don’t ask me to describe anything that happens. I can’t re-live it. I wish so much that I didn’t have to recap this show. Basically, JoJo and Alex make out over a horse. It happens. We watch it. Gauchoing is so wrong.
While the weird horse thing happens, the other boyfriends go to a polo club. Why the hell are they showing us this? There’s no JoJo, but they’re showing us stuff. It’s not even part of the show. Is this season so boring and uninteresting that they have to fill with footage of non-date stuff? Don’t answer that. I know the answer.
JoJo and Alex pet a stray dog. Keep up. The dog sits on the floor while they drink alcohol and talk about their connection. That poor dog. Someone needs to call PETA. JoJo and Alex make out. Maybe they’ll give the food they don’t eat to the dog. Alex tells JoJo that he has fallen in love with her. JoJo says nothing, which makes the moment comfortable. JoJo has the same look on her face as any woman I have ever talked to has while I’m talking to them. It’s not a good face. It’s a “I hope something starts on fire so I can get out of this conversation” face.
JoJo tells Alex that she’s not excited to hear that he’s falling in love with her. She’s not falling in love with Alex. It’s a good thing she went out on a date with Alex and made out with him over a horse’s face. I wonder if she thought love with Alex was possible in the moment where they were making out over a horse’s face, but once that horse was out of the picture, love was never an option. Probably. At least no one is reading this recap. That’s, like, the only bright spot in all of this.
JoJo tells Alex that she has so much respect for him that she needs to dump him this very moment. Alex says, “Okay.” JoJo cries to the camera because she didn’t want to say goodbye to Alex. I think, and this is crazy so ignore it, maybe she shouldn’t have said goodbye. I know, I know, I’m an absolute nut. Forget I said it.
Aaron Rodger’s little brother gets the next 1-on-1 date. He’s super excited because he gets to go out on a date with his girlfriend without her other boyfriends around. That’s always a huge moment in any relationship. We get to see Aaron Rodger’s little brother put on a shirt. My wife and I high five. Aaron Rodger’s little brother is concerned because his character has come into question. That’s something you never want to happen. This kid at school once had his character questioned and he ended up doing a bunch of drugs and stuff.
JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother get ON A PRIVATE PLANE!!!1SCREAM!!!1!!!1 They travel by plane to taste wine. Apparently, there are no liquor stores in Argentina. They go to Mendoza, which is right near the Mendoza line. Sports quota filled. JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother crush grapes with their feet. We watch it for 3 minutes. The thing that sucks about recapping this show for 13 years is that I can’t make fun of people hunting Pokemon with their phones because I lack the credibility to do so.
JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother drink some of the grape juice from the grapes they squashed and talk about how good their fresh-made wine tastes. They don’t really understand the principles of wine making.
Next, they get in a hot tub. Keep up! JoJo and Aaron Rodger’s little brother make out for 11 minutes. It’s super slurpy and terrible. Nothing is happening. ABC can’t even create fake drama because there’s no content to mold into drama. You need something to manipulate and there is nothing. There is no content. Why are you reading this?
Aaron Rodger’s little brother tells JoJo that he and Aaron Rodger’s don’t have a great relationship. Aaron Rodgers would not be on TV if Aaron Rodger’s little brother gets a hometown date. Of course, we don’t get a lot of detail because that would actually be interesting. Aaron Rodger’s little brother tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her. This time, ABC plays happy music. JoJo doesn’t look horrified. She is happy that Aaron Rodger’s little brother is falling in love with her. They make out in an Argentinian alley, just like I predicted.
The group date is next. It’s raining so, instead of a fun date out, JoJo takes James Taylor, Chase and the other guy to a hotel room. ABC orders them a bunch of food and they all eat it. We watch them eat. I feel bad for all of the times I’ve pointed out how the Bachelorette people never eat their food because it’s happening now and I wish it wasn’t happening.
After the food, there’s a truth or dare game. The other guy’s name is Robbie. He gets half-naked and runs through the hotel. The group sits on a bed together to watch the Argentinian Bachelor on TV. My favorite moments with my wife always end with me and her other two boyfriends cuddling in bed with her to watch TV.
Robbie gets alone time with JoJo. He talks about his previous relationship. It’s previousy. JoJo doesn’t think that Robbie is over his last relationship because it was emotional and stuff. Robbie says that he is over it. So, that’s settled. They make out.
Chase is next to get alone time. He doesn’t have a dramatic past relationship, so there’s nothing to talk about. Chase says that he “really, really likes” JoJo. That’s not quite falling in love with her, but JoJo makes out with Chase anyway. She hasn’t kissed anyone in 14 minutes, so she was probably close to death.
JoJo takes James Taylor into the other room and they talk. JoJo tells James Taylor that he has every character that she looks for in a guy, which is a sure sign that she is in no way into him at all. James Taylor is in the friend zone. He will be asked to babysit JoJo’s kids while she and Chad go to the movies to dry hump. JoJo and James Taylor do make out a bunch, but that’s only because he was the only guy in the room. If the boom mic operator was closer, he would have been the one with JoJo’s tongue in his mouth.
I feel like this show has been on for four weeks straight, but it’s only been 90 minutes. Next, JoJo gives the group date rose to Robbie. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, always run through your hotel naked. Women love that. James Taylor and Chase leave while Robbie gets to make out with JoJo some more. Luckily, cameras are there to capture their making out, otherwise we would have never known that it happened. You would have come home after a long day at work and your kids would have run up to you and yelled, “Did Robbie and JoJo make out some more after James Taylor and Chase left?” and you wouldn’t have been able to answer them. You would have said, “I don’t know, kids. I don’t know.” while they hugged your leg and cried.
Luke’s 1-on-1 date is next. JoJo takes him to a horse ranch because we haven’t seen enough weird horse shit tonight. JoJo and Luke ride horses for 20 minutes. We watch it. I wonder what water boarding feels like. Next, they shoot guns. I wonder if you watch this episode your entire time in hell, or if they break it up and spend some time pushing wood under your fingernails? Maybe they do that while you’re watching? Would you even notice? Hey, only person watching this, why don’t we just call each other on the phone and talk while we’re watching so Trending Buffalo doesn’t have to waste the room to host these recaps?
The rose ceremony is next. There is no cocktail party. THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES. ABC hasn’t even shown us the moon. Maybe there is no moon in Argentina. There are dogs everywhere, but no moon. I feel like I’d thrive in that environment.
James Taylor is super worried because he might get sent home without having the chance to tell JoJo that he’s falling in love with her. Wow, he’s dated her for a total of almost 58 minutes, why didn’t he just tell her he was falling in love with her during one of those minutes? What an idiot.
Robbie already has a rose, so he’s safe. JoJo gives a rose to Luke, Aaron Rodger’s little brother and Chase. James Taylor does not get a rose. He made out with JoJo for nothing. It wasn’t real. None of this was real. James Taylor was a nice guy. Let this be a lesson to you kids at home, never be a nice guy. If someone sneezes, tell them to screw off!
JoJo walks James Taylor out and cries a bunch. She tells James Taylor that he has made her a better person. It sucks that James Taylor worked so hard to improve JoJo and then has to pass off the new and improved version of his girlfriend to another guy. He should have made her worse. Then he’d be all, “Haha, enjoy your broken girlfriend, jerks!” But, James Taylor wouldn’t do that because he’s super nice.
James Taylor cries a lot because his heart is broken. He’s tired of always getting dumped because he’s nice. He cries because he’ll never get to hold JoJo’s hand again. JoJo cries more too because she’s feeling emotions and stuff. You guys were feeling emotions and stuff too, admit it.
Next week is hometown dates week. JoJo goes to the homes of her boyfriends and meets their families. It’s very important. One mistake and everyone dies.