If you’re pressed for time, I can recap this episode of the Bachelorette in one short, accurate sentence: Dez (she’s Dez now) visited the families of her 4 lovers and then dumped one of them.
The hometown dates are horrifically embarrassing. I’m convinced that ABC feeds the families LSD to make sure they’re extra stupid. In the preview, we are promised singing, Dad-on-Dez touching, and a return of Dez’s terrible brother who wants so badly for America to notice him that he’ll sabotage’s his sister’s happiness.
Dez has four boyfriends left, which is practically no boyfriends. All of her boyfriends have declared their love for her except for the one who for which she has confessed her love, Brooks. It’s a lot like Shakespeare, minus all of the redeeming value.
Zak, the shirtless guy, gets the first hometown date. Our journey begins in Dallas, Texas, the home of Lindy Ruff. Zak and Dez meet in a park where shirts are required. ABC shows us two different shots of squirrels so, you know the stakes right off the bat. Dez and Zak talk about a crazy dream Zak had in which they are melted by the sun, it snows, and then they eat the snow and kids come running out. Keep up!
Zak’s family business is snow cones, of course! They jump in an Ice Cream truck. ABC hires 600 kids to run up to the truck so Dez and Zak can hand them food without using gloves or hairnets. The kids enjoy their salmonella. Zak runs out in a penguin costume so America can see how goofy and fun he is. I notice it. He’s goofy. He’s fun.
Dez says, “Zak is so good with kids. I can really see him being an amazing father, especially when he comes out of nowhere in a penguin suit.” I don’t have kids so, it’s good to find out what it really takes.
Zak is super goofy. You have no idea. When they’re done with super goofy fun, Zak takes Dez to meet his family. Zak promises that he gets his craziness from his family. I shotgun a beer.
Zak’s parents have a nice house. There is money in snow cones. I shouldn’t have thrown out my Snoopy Snow Cone maker.
They eat on TV. Zak’s Mom pulls Dez aside to talk about love and how goofy Zak is. Zak’s sister pulls Dez into a bedroom to talk more about how goofy Zak is. She says, “Zak loves life and people and he will love someone forever.” I can tell.
Zak has come a long way from being the shirtless guy. Aside from being goofy… and he is. He’s SUPER goofy… Zak blushes a lot and comes across as a nice guy who would normally wear a shirt.
Zak’s sister and brother pull out a guitar to sing a song that Zak wrote. I don’t think that it would be at all awkward to hear two strangers sing in their living room. Everyone cries when the song is done.
When the song mercifully ends, Zak takes Dez outside. He pulls out a ring for Dez and tells her that he loves her. It is clear, 10 minutes into the show, that Zak is about to be dumped. All of this endearment is a set-up for Zak to be dumped and become a future Bachelor. ABC is the devil.
Their night ends with mic’d up, slurpy kissing, the way every night should end.
Our next stop is Scottsdale, Arizona. Keep up! ABC shows us a cactus, so we know for sure it’s Scottsdale. Drew wears a pink shirt with 3 buttons undone to meet Dez in front of a Scottsdale mini mall. He has a lot of product in his hair. Why the hell are you reading this recap?
Drew reminds everyone how he has fallen in love, in case we weren’t keeping up. Drew also wears shoes without socks which, for me, would mean that several people would be killed by odor.
Drew takes Dez to meet his sister. His sister is mentally and physically challenged, very emotional but unable to communicate her emotions. Dez does not appear to be uncomfortable, which is good. ABC plays us ‘Dez has accepted Drew’s sister’ music.
The family sits down to eat on TV. Drew’s Dad pulls Dez aside and asks her what, exactly, is the part of his son that she is attracted to. She says “eyes” despite me yelling out, “Say groin! Say package!” Drew’s Dad tells Dez that she’s real. Everyone hugs, constantly. There’s less hugging during a Miss America Pageant. It’s 15 minutes of chests rubbing on microphones.
Drew talks to his Mom and they cry. Drew’s Dad also cries with Drew and tells him to marry Dez. Dez and Drew make out in his driveway. This show is just the weirdest thing ever. I don’t think it’s healthy for a woman to visit the families of 4 men and talk about joining 4 families and then slurpily make out in 4 driveways, but, again, I’m no expert.
Chris has the next hometown date. I ready myself for poetry.
Chris walks around in the woods and thinks about Dez while cameras capture him thinking. It’s important for us to know that Chris walks and thinks. Chris picks Dez some wild flowers because he hasn’t read a poem aloud in hours.
They play baseball, thanks to the Bachelorette interns who set up baseball gear in a park. They say that Chris played professional baseball. He was probably a Cub or something. I search Baseball-reference.com for League leaders in poems. The search is inconclusive.
Dez puts on eye black and I am seriously aroused. You guys know how I feel about eye black. I can’t even really type right now. Eye black is yikes. Chris takes out a grease pencil so they can write funny things on each other’s eye black. Chris writes, ‘Heart Chris’ on Dez’s eyes. Dez says, “Should it say ‘I heart Chris?” Chris says, “The eyes are up here. Eye heart Chris”. You should be ashamed of yourself for reading this paragraph.
They play baseball. Sports quota filled. Chris throws Dez a ball. She catches it. He says, “Nice catch” and she says, “You’re a catch!” Burn! As Dez steals 2nd base, her voiceover says, “Chris has stolen my heart”. These Bachelorette producers think of everything. Bachelorette interns rush out to the mound to lay out a blanket and picnic lunch so Dez and Chris can slurp all over each other’s faces. They don’t even eat the food these poor interns bought for them! Who doesn’t eat free crackers?
Chris takes Dez to his parents’ house so they can eat on TV. They don’t touch their food before Chris’s chiropractic Dad pulls Dez into his basement to adjust her. It’s beyond pervy. There’s more rubbing than I’d like to see from a Dad. He’s pulling her every which way while his crotch is right in her face. It has completely eliminated any effect the eye black had on me. I’m creeped out. ABC microphones pick up the crackling.
When their done with grope-fest. Chris comes down to talk to his Dad.His Dad doesn’t mention where he just had his crotch. His Dad puts him on the rape table to adjust his nose. He jams some kind of apparatus up Chris’s nose. I’ve never heard of this. I’m not a big fan of Chris’s Dad. This guy has woodchucks stuffed somewhere.
Chris’s Mom pulls Dez aside to cry on TV. Apparently, Chris’s Mom did not like Chris’s last girlfriend, so there’s fear that she’ll also not like Dez. ABC plays dramatic ‘Chris’s Mom doesn’t like Dez’ music. His Mom has a generally disapproving look on her face at all times. You guys, I don’t think she likes Dez!
As Chris is admitting his love, the soft piano kicks in and Chris’s Mom says she likes Dez. 4 million pounds are lifted off of my chest. You guys, she likes Dez! It’s such a relief. This show is stupid.
The date is over so, Dez and Chris fulfill their contractual obligation to make out in a drive way while doing that soft, whispery talking thing. It’s her third hometown date and, after every one, Dez has told the camera that she’s ready to marry the guy. To be fair, she has been dating her boyfriends a long time.
Brooks has the final hometown date. We’re in Salt Lake City, Utah. It’s the last date but, there’s still an hour of show left. I guess they saved the majority of the episode for the part where Dez’s brother acts awful.
Brooks walks up a hill so a camera can capture it. You think he’s done but, he gets on a bridge to walk and we see it. There’s a camera in this park. We get to see Brooks walk up hills and across bridges while thinking. It’s pretty rare footage. I feel like I should be paying for it. Plus, ABC shows us some ducks so we can be sure it’s a park.
Dez and Brooks sit on a bench in this park and, guys, it’s a park! Dez talks about emotions and brings out a sheet of paper. I wince because there are a ton of words written on this paper and we all know she’s going to read the words. She reads them. We watch. Dez and Brooks recap their 48 minutes together. Then, they make out. Again, Bachelorette interns lay out blankets and food which goes completely ignored. I hope they donate the uneaten picnic food to a shelter or something. The Bachelor franchise could completely eliminate world hunger.
When they’re done not eating, they jump in a canoe to annoy ducks and America. They canoe and talk. I only had 3 beers in my fridge. It’s an oversight.
When they’re done canoeing, they go to Brook’s house. Brooks’ family does a giant hug thing. And I thought Zak’s family was goofy! They’re all wearing nametags. One of Brooks’ sisters wrote exclamation points after her name. She must have been really excited to meet Dez. Brooks’ brother Nathan spells his name as ‘NathaN’. I didn’t know I was allowed to capitalize different letters in my name? I would have been ‘GreG’. My whole life has been a waste.
As they eat, Brooks’ Mom remarks how in love Dez and Brooks appear. It is easy to tell by the way they’re chewing. Brooks’ Mom pulls Dez aside to try and convince Dez how good of a husband her son will be. In another room, Brooks talks to his brothers about love. If I tried to talk about love with my brothers, they would punch me in my ribs until I passed out from pain and lack of oxygen.
There’s more talking. This entire episode has been a conversation about love. This has always been the worst week of the worst show. At least none of the families had a funeral for a dead bird. That happened once.
When the date is over, Dez makes out with Brooks in the drive way. We see it and hear it. ABC teases that the rest of the show will be about Dez’s whore brother who acts awful on TV for attention. Dez had a chance to marry Sean Lowe the Bachelor for 8 minutes last season but her brother ruined it by attacking Sean.
Dez’s brother is a punk. If I were looking for a husband on TV, I would just ask the television network to keep my brother out of the mix to give me the best chance of finding my true love but, I’m not the Bachelorette.
Dez and her brother sit on a couch so he can disapprove of her dating multiple guys on TV with the intention of marrying one of them. America might hate Dez’s brother but, I love the guy. He’s the only person on the show who knows what the show really is. Plus, he had a rough childhood. He had to sleep in the living room.
Dez makes her brother promise that he won’t ruin her chances. There’s talk of setting up a meeting between the brother and the contestants. It should be falsely dramatic and pointless.
With 20 minutes left, Chris Harrison comes out to earn a paycheck. He sits down with Dez to remind everyone that Dez loves Brooks the most, but there’s a chance he might dump her. It’s dramatic.
Chris Harrison walks away to allow Dez some time to look at pictures of her boyfriends and decide which one to dump. She doesn’t just look at the pictures. She picks them up and looks closely while ABC plays ‘Deciding which Boyfriend to Dump’ music.
The Rose Ceremony takes place at a Hotel with a giant fish tank. ABC has teased us with the promise that Dez’s brother was going to storm in on the Rose Ceremony to mess things up. They show Dez’s brother lurking around corners in the hotel as the men walk through the lobby. It was a tease. Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens on the show, except poems.
Chris Harrison lays down the stakes; there are 3 roses for 4 men. Then, he walks away. Dez hands out two roses. Harrison walks back in to tell everyone who can’t count to three that there is one rose remaining. Dez dumps Zak. It’s not goofy.
Zak hugs the three other contestants. I know, when my girlfriend dumps me, I immediately hug the other guys around me who still get to sleep with her.
Dez and Zak sit on a bench so he can act shocked. Dez tells Zak that she doesn’t want him to lose his loving feeling. I’m not kidding. She says that. ABC plays dramatic ‘Dumped’ music. Zak cries and then thanks Dez for dumping him. Dez hands Zak his ring back. He takes it. Well, a future Bachelor would have let Dez keep the ring. You don’t go taking gifts back and expect to be the next Bachelor.
Dez throws Zak in his confessional limo so he can cry some more. It must suck to make out with a girl in your driveway, see her 10 seconds later, and she dumps you. The limo pulls over so Zak can roll down the window and throw his ring away. He’s back in the game! That’s life in the fast lane. That’s the Bachelorette.
Next week, no one eats their basket lunches and I weep.
Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ and would eat his crackers, if given the chance.