It’s the year 2362. Nuclear winter. The planet is blanketed by a thick smoke. Only the cockroaches remain. The cockroaches are chased around by a boom mic operator, three camera men, a producer and Chris Harrison. Chris Harrison is inviting the roaches to forgo their regular hotel rooms and accept his Fantasy Suite invitation. It never ends. It’s ‘The Bachelorette’!
Congratulations, America! JoJo is your newest Bachelorette. She brings a lot of good things to the table; two things in particular. (Grace and sparkling personality)
JoJo is fresh off getting dumped by Ben on the past season of ‘The Bachelor’. Ben told JoJo he loved her and then dumped her. It’s a mean thing to do. JoJo took it hard and cried a ton.
When dumped by a man you dearly love, it’s always best to take a couple of minutes for reflection, a few seconds to mend your broken heart, and then run onto a Reality TV show to break the heart of 27 or so other innocents. You see, JoJo loved what’s his name so much, she was barely able to recover and then record her own season of televised dating. JoJo is resilient. She’s like the Bill Masterton of dating. Sports quota filled.
ABC begins their crapfest by recapping JoJo’s heartbreak from the Ben events. We watch it. It happens. Ben promised JoJo that she wouldn’t be blindsided. Then, he blindsided her. It’s blindsidey. Not at all like the Sandra Bullock movie either.
JoJo is determined to get past the blindsidey heartbreak and find love. She says that she wants the kind of love she can count on, by someone who means it, and she wants them to not go anywhere. Luckily for her, ABC has lined up a bunch of jerks who cannot be counted on and who are certain to flee immediately.
Next up, JoJo talks about the heartbreak she experienced. She does this via voiceover while ABC shows footage of her walking through a neighborhood and sitting in the yard of her mansion. I hear that helps with heartbreak. You guys should totally get a mansion. If you don’t have a mansion, you’re an idiot.
Next, JoJo walks on the beach. ABC shows us the ocean and seagulls. JoJo is wearing a bikini so we can see all of the heartbreak on her chest. I can see the heartbreak. You guys can see the heartbreak too, admit it! Actually, JoJo wears one bikini to talk to the camera and a different bikini to walk on the beach and think about love. It’s like the camera-talkin’ bikini isn’t built for beach walking and the beach-walking bikini isn’t made for sitting in a chair and talking to a camera, so she bought both of them. It pays to bring the right clothes for all occasions when one is looking for love.
Because they hate us so much, ABC has JoJo go to some random other mansion in L.A. to talk to past Bachelorettes and soak in their sage advice. The combined power of this knowledge is almost combustible. I’m so grateful for this exclusive, behind-the-scenes, footage. You guys, it’s like winning a prestigious award. This is like if you built a time machine and took it to see Confucius and then asked him how he would deal with dating 28 men.
Ali, Kaitlyn and Dez (she’s Dez now) sit on a couch and tell JoJo not to be worried. They also tell JoJo what they regret about their seasons. None of the women regret dating 28 men on TV. All four women talk at once. It’s almost as if the producers realized what a terrible idea this segment was so they just stopped giving directions and let the scene play out like a forest fire. There’s so much talking. When it’s done, Kaitlyn raises a toast to terrible television. If you put a baby in front of the TV and made that baby watch this segment of television, the highest grade that baby will reach in school is 6th.
Next, we get special video packages of some of JoJo’s studly muffins. The first guy is a fire fighter named Grant. We watch footage of the fire fighter doing stuff with hoses, so it’s clear that he really is a fire fighter and not an impostor. It’s pretty authentic, you guys. I think his story checks out. Grant says, “I hope that JoJo is the one who lights my fire”
Aaron Rodgers’ little brother Jordan is the next highlighted contestant. I have no idea who he is either. Aaron Rodgers’ little brother also played football in the NFL, apparently. He sits in a park and thinks about love. Aaron Rodgers’ little brother tells the camera that he focused too much on football and didn’t leave enough time to find love. That’s the problem with quarterbacking, unless you’re attracted to men, it’s very hard to find love on a football field. There are very few women out there on the field.
Aaron Rodgers’ little brother says, “I’m hoping JoJo is gonna be my #1 draft pick.”
I love these stupid puns. I wish ABC would cast a mass murderer as a contestant so he could say, “I’d kill to make JoJo my wife!”
Alex is next. He walks through the desert while telling the camera about how he gained his priorities by joining the Marines. Alex has a twin brother who is also a Marine. They’re like Tomax and Zamot from G.I. Joe, except neither of them has a scar on his face. There is a zero percent chance that anyone reading this gets that reference. There is also a zero percent chance that anyone read down this far.
James tells the camera that he watches the Bachelor because his mom watched the show, so James will be the psychopath of the season. Let that be a lesson to you kids out there; when someone mentions their mother, they’re a psychopath.
Evan used to be a pastor. He left the pastorship to be an erectile dysfunction specialist. Evan looks more like Steve Buscemi than most contestants should. Evan says, “I’ve got my mojo for JoJo.” I hate this show so much.
Ali’s parents are from Iran. 3 seconds after Ali shaves, his facial hair grows back. This guy’s eyebrows look like a pair of muskrats trying to eat his forehead.
Luke is a farmer. He’s totally a rough neck. He tells the camera how much of a cowboy he is, and you can tell by his Abercrombie haircut and by the way he wears designer jeans and $600 boots to feed his cows.
Next, JoJo arrives at the Bachelor mansion to talk to Chris Harrison and meet her 28 boyfriends. ABC makes sure that she wears a dress that shows off her heartbreak.
A couple of guys get out of the limo and fail to do anything stupid or gimmicky. It’s boring. One of the guys tells JoJo that he didn’t come here for a rose, he came here for a relationship. I say the same thing to the Arby’s drive thru speaker.
Eventually, the gimmicks begin. Some guy named Will drops cue cards and pretends like it’s an accident. I hate him, and this show. Daniel’s profession is listed as ‘Canadian’. Is there good money in being Canadian?
Muskrat eyebrows is super sweet. There’s no way he lasts beyond 3 weeks. James plays a guitar, because that’s original. A creepy guy named Jonathan wears a kilt because he’s half-Chinese and half-Scottish and game 5 of the NHL Western Conference Finals is on another channel and I wish I was dead.
Kilt guy goes into the mansion and the other guys hate on him. That’s a phrase that kids use to describe a situation where a group of people openly dislike someone. JoJo’s other boyfriends don’t like kilt guy. Daniel, the Canadian, really hates kilt guy. When kilt guy sits on the couch, ABC blacks out his crotch so we don’t see his little Scott.
Some guy named St. Nick from the North Pole gives JoJo a gift. He’s dressed as Santa Claus, because ABC wants JoJo to find love. They’re so determined to help JoJo find love that they allow a bunch of bullshit to get in the way of that love. That way, when love happens, it’s true and battle-tested. Let that be a lesson to you girls at home; you can’t find love unless a guy dresses like Santa Claus and hangs around giving people cookies. Gimmicks are an important element of true love.
Some guy named Wells brings the singing group All 4 One to serenade JoJo. It doesn’t make up for the fact that his name is Wells. Luke, the designer cowboy rides a unicorn up to the mansion. We’re only 45 minutes in and I already want to light firecrackers and tuck them under my eyelids.
JoJo enters the mansion to get to know her boyfriends better. Alex the Twin Marine pulls JoJo aside first and the rest of the guys hate him for it. I hate him for it too, but for different reasons.
ABC plays different music for Aaron Rodgers’ little brother, so you can tell he’ll be around for a while. Aaron Rodgers’ little brother has a nice conversation with JoJo. She’s into him. Or, at the very least, ABC lawyers are telling JoJo, “He’s Aaron Rodgers’ little brother and we need men to watch this crap, so you’re into him!”
Some guy named Will does one of those origami fortune things to trick JoJo into kissing him. She reads her fortune and it says that she’s about to get kissed. Then, Will asks if it’s okay to kiss JoJo. Then, he hesitates for a couple more minutes to make sure America is completely uncomfortable. Then, JoJo kisses him on the cheek. Will is going home. Where there’s a Will, there’s no way.
30 seconds later, JoJo makes out with Aaron Rodgers’ little brother. Aaron Rodgers may have won the Super Bowl, but Aaron Rodgers’ little brother could win a terrible Game Show!
Throughout the evening, Chad and Daniel the Canadian complain to the camera about the other boyfriends. It’s clear that they’re both bad guys. They’re competing to be the villain, and villains gotta vil.
When Chad talks to JoJo, he suppresses the villain within and acts sweet. Classic villain behavior. JoJo falls for it and tells the camera that she likes Chad. ABC is fully aware that Chad is terrible, and they want so badly for JoJo to find love that they DON’T pull her aside and whisper, “Hey, JoJo, that Chad guy is actually a dick.” Gotta love ABC!
Daniel the Canadian gets drunk and pokes a creepy erectile dysfunction guy in the belly button. Then, Daniel takes his clothes off and flexes in his banana hammock. Daniel jumps in the pool. Daniel is not here for the right reasons.
Two other guys get really drunk. I’m not 100% sure ABC doesn’t drug these guys for our amusement.
I wasn’t asleep yet, so ABC had Muskrat eyebrows play the piano. JoJo sits down next to Muskrat eyebrows and he teaches her how to play. It’s a touching moment, and the closest Muskrat eyebrows will come to winning the Game Show.
JoJo sits on Santa Claus’ lap and takes his beard off. Keep up!
JoJo grabs the first impression rose and pulls Aaron Rodgers’ little brother into the other room. She gives it to him. We watch is happen. Aaron Rodgers’ little brother has the same hair as Jimmy Neutron. That’s not a compliment.
The rose ceremony is next. To make sure that there’s no possibility that this show has any shred of dignity, ABC brings back Jake the pilot to crash the party. If you’re new to this crap, Jake is a former Bachelor. He’s a terrible person who purposely acts more terribler in order to remain relevant. You see, kids, if you’re not terrible, ABC won’t put you on television. Let that be a lesson to you; always be the worst possible person you can be.
While JoJo is handing out roses, Jake walks into the mansion. The music played while this happens is the same music played when a lion stalks a gazelle on a nature show. Jake’s appearance is further proof that ABC really cares about JoJo. They want to make sure she finds a husband so they interrupt her Game Show with a terrible soap opera-like twist. I’d complain about how stupid this is, but that’s like standing in a pool and complaining about being wet.
It turns out, Jake isn’t there to date JoJo, he just wishes her good luck because they’re super besties. It was all a goof, you guys. I fell for it. You guys fell for the super goof too, admit it!
After the goofiness, JoJo hands out roses. A bunch of guys I don’t recognize get roses. Santa Claus gets a rose. Creepy erectile dysfunction guy gets a rose. Daniel the Canadian gets a rose. These are the guys that ABC lawyers force JoJo to keep. Daniel got drunk, stripped down to his Canadian banana hammock and jumped in the pool. I mean, what girl wouldn’t watch that happen and then think to herself, “There’s my future husband!”
Among the dumped are kilt guy, other drunk guy, tan jacket guy and haircut.
After the dumpings, ABC shows us footage of the fun to come this season. We watch preview footage of JoJo making connections, laughing in foreign countries and making out with guys in hot tubs. We also see that there will be drama. There will be so much drama, you guys! There’s a fight and police come and some guy’s knuckle bleeds and they point at each other and there’s so much drama!
In other words, it’s the exact same show we’ve watched for more than 13 years. Special thanks to Consumer’s for selling delicious alcohol!