All week long, ABC has teased us with the fact that one of their Bachelorette contestants has fallen in love with another Bachelorette contestant. So, either the exhaustive research ABC goes through to find the perfect mate for Kaitlyn has turned up a homo/bisexual male, or this is the stupidest ratings gimmick ever attempted in television history… worse than ‘The Flintstones’ adding Gazoo! I’m betting on the latter.
We begin tonight by picking up where we left off last week. Kupid is yelling at producers because he isn’t happy that he got kicked off of the game show too quickly. Kupid swears, complains and refuses to answer questions. ABC plays super dramatic music to make us understand how dramatic this all is.
Kaitlyn doesn’t like Kupid’s rant. She goes out to yell at him. Kaitlyn tells Kupid that he’s being a big baby and he should just accept his dumping and answer the important questions. Kupid takes is well. He tells the camera that he doesn’t like Kaitlyn and he thinks Kaitlyn has Chlamydia. That’s a bit much. He doesn’t have the medical training to determine whether or not Kaitlyn has Chlamydia. Bachelorette medics should be brought in to help make that type of determination. You can’t just eyeball diagnose Chlamydia. That’s irresponsible.
Kaitlyn goes inside and cries to the camera about how hard it is to know someone you’ve only been dating for a couple of minutes. It’s especially hard when you’re trying to date a couple dozen guys at once. Kaitlyn asks the rest of her boyfriends to be up front with her and tell her if they are drunk and need to vent about nothing like Kupid. I’m glad to have that all cleared up. It is not proven conclusively whether or not Kaitlyn has Chlamydia.
The Rose Ceremony is next. These things should be sponsored. Kaitlyn hands out roses to the guys which with whom she has a deeper connection. I just used “whom” in a sentence. There’s no way it’s being used correctly, but there’s no going back now. Three of her boyfriends have black eyes. Two got their black eyes from last week’s boxing match and one came onto the show with a black eye because he’s a psychopath who stuffs woodchucks into freezers.
Kaitlyn gives crazy woodchuck guy a rose because ABC wants her to find true love. She sends home Daniel and Cory. They take their dumpings well. Neither of the dumped guys cries or talks to the camera. See, you gotta swear and yell if you want camera time. Let this be a lesson to any kids reading this recap; always make a scene when someone breaks up with you. And, if you’re a parent allowing your child to read this, please drive your child directly to Child Protective Services and leave them there. It’s the only chance they have.
Kaitlyn cries over her dumpings. She says that she didn’t think it was going to be this hard, even though she was already on the show last season. She must not have been paying attention.
You were probably just thinking, “Greg, this isn’t stupid enough. This hardly seems like the worst television show in history. I’m almost bored with how good and wholesome this show is!” Well, don’t worry. The next morning, ABC brings in big sumo guys to bang gongs and wake up the contestants. For the group date, World Champion sumo wrestlers have been brought in to teach the guys to sumo wrestle. This should really help Kaitlyn find love! Chris Harrison is really doing everything in his power to help Kaitlyn find a husband.
The guys wrap giant ace bandages around their crotch. It’s the official sumo uniform. Everyone LOLs a ton because it’s totes hilarious. They’re wearing diapers! You guys totally laughed a ton too, admit it. You can see their buttuckses! The guys stretch and we get to see pixilated body parts. Kaitlyn sees Joe’s penis. That’s usually a fifth date thing.
After the stretching, the guys wrestle the sumo wrestlers. Sports quota filled, I guess. I don’t know. This show is so terrible. How is this a group date? It’s just little guys with abs slamming up against big fat guys. It’s more of an orgy.
Woodchuck freezer guys takes his sumo wrestling very seriously. He’s amped up to slap bods with the fatties. I can’t believe you’ve read down this far. Tony and the fat guy sumo wrestle. It’s sumoey.
When woodchuck freezer guy is done with his wrestling, he storms off. Kaitlyn chases him down. Woodchuck freezer is angry. He explains to Kaitlyn that he’s peaceful and loving and he would rather do something peaceful and loving than violent things like sumo wrestling and boxing. He reads Kaitlyn the riot act. It’s riot actey.
J.J. steps in and yells at woodchuck freezer guy for his riot act reading. The rest of the guys agree that woodchuck freezer was out of line, but they don’t like J.J., so they take woodchuck freezer’s side in the spat. Keep up. Or, don’t. Don’t keep up. I love you guys, so I’m letting you go. You’re free. Don’t read these anymore. Do something productive. Be a better person. You’re free.
Back to the recap. We’re still arguing about woodchuck freezer’s rant. He is meditating to get rid of the bad feelings the violence has brought on. He says a bunch of spiritual things and that he has a lot to offer. Some of that lot is dismembered corpses in a freezer. Woodchuck freezer never stops talking. Kaitlyn hugs him and tells him that he’s free to sit out the next sumo event.
The sumo wrestling is not over. We’re so lucky. Here I was, thinking that there was only eleven minutes of sumo wrestling, but there’s a ton more. ABC has gathered a crowd of cat owners in front of a mall, or something. The guys will sumo wrestle each other. There is a ring announcer for the event and it’s not Chris Harrison. How come Chris Harrison can ring announce boxing, but not sumo wrestling? Did he have something better to do? Is it a union thing? How come you guys never answer my questions? Oh, yeah. I told you to stop reading. No one is reading this.
Before the fun, there’s fun. Kaitlyn sumo wrestles one of the big sumo wrestlers. The big sumo guy lets Kaitlyn win. It’s fixed. I’ll bet the producers bet money on Kaitlyn and paid the sumo guy to throw the fight. This sport is riddled with corruption. Kaitlyn had fun, though. She’s totally that much closer to finding love. A bunch of the guys sell the company line to the camera saying that the sumo wrestling is intended to help Kaitlyn see who she can have fun with. It works. We see the fun she can have with the guys as they slap up against each other in diapers. Clint wins the wrestling. He sumoes well.
Back at the mansion, woodchuck freezer does more complaining. We listen to it. It happens. He’s here for love, and he’s not finding it in a sumo wrestling ring. Woodchuck freezer guy packs his bags and leaves. He hasn’t even murdered anyone yet. Woodchuck freezer leaves Kaitlyn a note. He tells the camera that he’s not a quitter, but he’s leaving on his own terms. So, if you’re keeping score at home, woodchuck freezer guy has terms.
Even though he left a note, woodchuck freezer guy meets up with Kaitlyn in a field somewhere to break up with her in person. He gives her the note and a flower and hugs her while 40 billion frogs scream in the background.
The group date cocktail party continues despite woodchuck freezer guy’s exit. The guys take turns pulling Kaitlyn aside to talk and make out with her. Some guy who’s name I haven’t learned makes out with her and, seconds later, Sean makes out with her. Sean must be good at making out because Kaitlyn gave him the group date rose to honor his making outedness. The other guys congratulate Sean for getting a rose from their girlfriend. It’s nice.
Clint is the only guy who doesn’t pull Kaitlyn aside to make out with her. J.J. tells the camera that he thinks Clint is blowing his chances with his girlfriend. J.J. considers Clint a friend and isn’t happy that Clint isn’t trying. Kaitlyn notices that Clint doesn’t try and points it out. Clint says that he’s not feeling Kaitlyn. Clint says that he’s building a better relationship with J.J. Uh oh, you guys!
The next day, Ben Z. gets a one-on-one date. Kaitlyn says that Ben Z. is a babe-soda. I don’t know what that is. The couple does not know what their group date is. They act scared as they pull up into some weird, abandoned building in a limo. This is so crazy. Will you guys hold my hand?
Chris Harrison says that relationships take trust and support. He then pushes the couple into a haunted, mystery basement. They can only get out if they collect clues and solve the creepy mystery. As they open the mystery door to the dungeon, a pigeon flies out and Kaitlyn screams. She’s afraid of pigeons, or something. This is one of those pigeon camps I’ve read about. Terrorists make people walk through pigeon rooms. You guys have no idea!
Ben Z. assures Kaitlyn that they can make it through the pigeon room thing. The brave couple marches on through the pigeons. Kaitlyn is a mess because birds are her biggest fear. Chris Harrison must really care about her if he’s going to make her walk through a room full of her greatest fear. He promised he’d do everything in his power to help her find a husband. He wasn’t kidding.
The pigeons aren’t the only problem. There is blood everywhere, body limbs hanging from the ceiling and people creeping around. It’s super scary, you guys. They’re totally finding out how compatible they are. Kaitlyn and Ben Z. get 45 minutes to figure out the log-in for a computer. Different clues give them parts of the password. They should just try “password”. The clues are covered with real scorpions, cockroaches and maggots. I get emotional because this is how my wife and I fell in love. Kaitlyn says that she thinks Ben Z. is super sexy for guiding her through the death dungeon. You guys were turned-on too, admit it.
Kaitlyn and Ben Z. get nervous because there are only five minutes left and they still haven’t gotten the password. I hope they don’t do it and ABC gasses them to death. Chris Harrison promised he’d do ANYTHING!
The last clue is in a toilet behind some live snakes. It’s pretty romantic. There’s only one minute left. They don’t do it in time. ABC gasses them. Kaitlyn and Ben Z. roll around on the floor in tremendous pain. The gases affect their nervous systems and they die in the room. As he dies, Ben Z. asks Kaitlyn if she’ll date him. Her eyes melt before she gets a chance to answer. The last six sentences didn’t happen.
Kaitlyn and Ben Z. escape the dungeon thing. They hug. They’re so much closer to love now that they’ve touched snakes and solved a computer password. During the commercial break, John McEnroe yells at toe fungus. It’s my favorite part of the evening, so far.
After they’ve escaped death, Kaitlyn and Ben Z. go back to her place to eat pizza. They sit on a couch and talk. How is this environment conducive to love? They might actually get to know each other. There is very little punching going on and almost zero cockroaches. This will never work.
Ben Z. tells Kaitlyn that he’s emotional, but he holds it all inside because his mom died. He tells the tale of how his dad made him walk the dog while his mom was dying. He didn’t cry about his mom dying because he wanted to be strong and he hasn’t cried in eleven years because he can’t cry. Eleven years is a long time to go without crying. I cried eleven times while Ben Z. was telling us his story.
Eleven seconds after Ben Z. tells Kaitlyn about his mom dying, they suck face on the couch. This woman’s turn-ons include pigeon fear and dead mom talk. With dead mom talk out of the way, Kaitlyn and Ben Z. put on bathing suits and go out to the hot tub for more smoochin’. Kaitlyn gives Ben Z. a rose. They slurp some more. ABC does not throw pigeons into the hot tub. It’s like they’re not even trying.
There’s another group date next. This show is endless. Kaitlyn brings a bunch of her boyfriends to a school to ruin some bright futures. The guys actually have to get on a school bus to make it completely authentic. Kaitlyn’s boyfriends are instructed to substitute teach. They subject is sex education. The guys have to teach kids about sex, puberty and tampons. This should really help Kaitlyn find love. I’m uncomfortable. The guys meet the kids. The kids are about ten years old. I’m really uncomfortable.
Back at the mansion, J.J. and Clint hang out together to further the ‘Clint loves J.J.’ storyline. The two sit on a couch together bro it up. It’s broey.
Back at the school, Brian shows the kids the female anatomy. Keep up. The kids ask sexual questions, like “what does that part do?” Brian tells the ten-year olds how to stimulate women so they want to have sex with you. There are questions about sex positions and wet dreams. It’s really uncomfortable. Kaitlyn tells the camera that the kids are actually child actors, so it’s a prank. She’s totally pranking the guys! It’s super goofy! You guys totally fell for it!
Ben H. (there are two Bens??!!!) is excited about teaching kids about sex. ABC plays soft music while he talks about people falling in love. It’s super sweet and romantic. Ben H. went from the second Ben to super Ben. Kaitlyn is super impressed with his sexual education tactics. He actually says, “When the sperm is squirted out of the penis…” I don’t care if they’re child actors, this was the worst thing ABC has ever done. I don’t use those words lightly. I hate this show.
The cocktail party is next. Kaitlyn still hasn’t told her boyfriends that it was all a prank. I thought the point of the prank was to reveal the prank after the prank. There was no reveal moment. I’m not certain this was a prank.
Josh pulls Kaitlyn aside on their group date. He doesn’t make out with her, so Kaitlyn tells the camera that Josh needs to step things up and make out with her more. Ben H. is stepped up. He makes out with Kaitlyn on the roof of the building with the Nakatomi plaza from ‘Die Hard’ in the background. That’s ultra romantic.
We switch back to the mansion. This gives ABC a chance to play up the ‘Clint is gay’ angle. They do. ABC will play it up good. J.J. sits on the couch while Clint plays a guitar for J.J. He confesses to the camera that he’s fallen in love with J.J. Clint tells the camera that he’s a Bachelorette success story because he’s found love. So, a contestant who turned gay, or something. Okay. I give up.
We’re back at the cocktail party. Jared makes out with Kaitlyn, less than 10 days after suffering a concussion from a boxing match. Keep up! ABC plays special music for Kaitlyn and Jared’s make-out session. Jared must be a major candidate. ABC just doesn’t throw around their special music for anyone. Kaitlyn likes Jared. I guess. I don’t know. She gives the group date rose to Ben H. THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES!
The final cocktail party of the week is next. It’s been a whirlwind of a week. Woodchuck freezer left the show, Clint fell in love with J.J., and Kaitlyn yelled at Kupid. Keep up!
Before she has a chance to dump him, Clint pulls Kaitlyn aside to talk to her. He apologizes for being withdrawn. Kaitlyn is happy to hear that Clint is sorry because she likes his potential. Instead of admitting that he loves J.J., Clint makes out with her. He tells the camera that he isn’t interested in Kaitlyn, but he wanted a rose so he could spend more time with J.J. Chris Harrison and his band of terrible people know no limits of terribleness. They will push the limits of stupid and find new stupid limits. I didn’t think that there was enough room on this earth for all of this stupid.
Clint knows that he’s won over Kaitlyn and celebrates with the object of his bromance, J.J. He clinks glasses with J.J. and says, “Hey, villain’s gotta vil!” I’m going to say that around the house more.
Joshua is close to being dumped, but he goes down swinging. Joshua tells Kaitlyn that Clint is not here for the right reason. Hey, a villain’s gotta vil. I really can’t argue with that Josh. Clint isn’t here for the right reasons. Falling in love with J.J. is the wrong reason, I think. I’m not sure. When there’s sumo wrestling and pigeon rooms, how can there be a wrong reason? What’s the right reason to be on a show where an actor pretends he’s in love with one of his girlfriend’s 24 other boyfriends?
The show ends. It does not end forever. It’ll be back next week. Don’t worry. The preview shows that Clint takes issue with his wrong-reasonedness elimination. Clint is angry for the right reasons. If enough of you send an email to Trending Buffalo promising that you hate these recaps and refuse to read them, maybe I won’t have to put up with this crap anymore.