I know what you’re thinking but, while it’s probably impossible for a woman to fall in love with a man she’s only been dating along with 20 other women for one day, it’s now been two days, and there are only 17 other girlfriends now, so it’s almost impossible NOT to fall in love with that man now! If it takes you more than two days to fall in love with your boyfriend who is also dating 17 other women, you’re incapable of love.
Anyway, Ben Whatever is still looking for love and we’ve reached the point in the Bachelor season (week 3) where the contestants will start pretending like they’re in love so they can stay on TV longer. It’s the way we as Americans love in 2016. It’s The Bachelor!
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We start off with a bunch of Ben’s girlfriends sitting around and talking about Olivia. They don’t like her because Ben likes her. They think that Olivia is only nice in front of the cameras and not nice when there are no cameras. We’ll never know because we need the cameras to see Olivia. It’s like ‘The Gift of the Magi’.
4th Lauren gets the first one-on-one date. I thought 4th Lauren (Lauren B.) left the show last week, but that was Lauren “LB”, not Lauren B., or as I call her, 4th Lauren. So many Laurens. Keep up!
Ben and 4th Lauren get in a convertible. The date card said something about “flying high”, so I guess they’ll be flying or something. I don’t really care either way.
Ben drives her to an airport and they get on a little bi-plane. 4th Lauren is terrified, even though she’s a flight attendant. The bi-plane pilot does a bunch of fancy maneuvers while Ben and 4th Lauren scream. He’s definitely getting to know her so much better. When I was courting my wife, I’d always stuff her and myself into a garbage can and roll us both down a hill so we could really bond.
Lauren is super scared, but she calms down because she’s with Ben and he’s her future husband, which I guess is calming. They try make out in the plane, but their little plane headset microphones keep getting in the way. That’s why I never wear plane headset microphones. It’s almost impossible to make out with my girlfriends with the headset microphones in the way.
The plan flies over the Bachelor mansion and Ben’s other girlfriends freak out because they love him while he flies over their temporary house with his other girlfriend.
Ben says, “Lauren B. is making this date so much more amazing than I ever thought it could be.” Actually, I think the pilot is the one making the date amazing. Without the plane moves, you’d just be dating 4th Lauren on the ground, sitting in a mall food court eating a slice of S’barro’s and waiting to die. 4th Lauren didn’t do anything.
The plane lands and Ben brings 4th Lauren to a remote hill with nothing around. They walk up and discover a hot tub. If you’re a normal guy, this is the rapiest date ever. When you’re the Bachelor, it’s super romantic. Ben points to a tree and tells 4th Lauren to get changed behind it. She’s not carrying clothes, but she somehow magically changes into a bathing suit. The poor Bachelor interns save the day again.
What follows is three solid minutes of hot tub slurping and pointless dialogue. It’s hot tubby. 4th Lauren gets 10 points for the hot tub ab-rub session. I lose 3 years of my life having to sit through it.
Back at the mansion, I girl I don’t recognize starts freaking out because she’s totally falling for Ben and has to share him with the other girlfriends. She produces lots of snot, so 15 points. The TV tells me it’s Caila, so I guess it’s Caila. I can’t keep up with all of Ben’s girlfriends.
As we come back from commercial, ABC shows us the moon. These guys love their moon! Ben and 4th Lauren are still on their date. STILL! They eat on TV in some sort of mansion. 4th Lauren wants to have a happy marriage with lots of kids. She talks about her dad. Ben talks about his dad’s heart problems. We listen. ABC plays soft, piano-ey “Ben’s dad had heart trouble” music. I now know more about 4th Lauren and Ben’s dad than I do my dad. There’s way more dad talk than I expect on a date. Ben gives 4th Lauren a rose. She accepts it because it was meant to be.
The date STILL isn’t over. Someone named Lucy Angel plays a private ABC concert for Ben and 4th Lauren while they make out. 4th Lauren is absolutely racking up the fantasy points on this date. This could be a Bachelor record.
A group date is next. 12 or so girlfriends travel to a soccer stadium to play soccer because that’s a great way to get to know a man who you wish to be your husband.
The twins are excited about their soccer date. I could twinstantly tell that this date was going to be fun. Call it good twinstincts or natural intwinition. I like the twins. They’re twinsanely attractive and twinteresting. It’s a twin-twin situation for Ben. Do you guys like my twin puns, or should I discontwinue using them? What, you love them? I’ll contwinue then!
Ben wants to see how his girlfriends act as a team. It’s important to know whether or not your future wife can play well with your 11 other girlfriends. US Americans Alex Morgan and Kelly O’hare help the girls do soccer. We watch it. Sports quota filled. Lauren H. is nervous. She says, “I have zero ball handling skills.” Innuendo!!!!!!!!11!!!1!elventy!!!!
The girlfriends are split into two teams. The losing team doesn’t get extra time with Ben later tonight. The girls are given jerseys with their names written in marker on the back. ABC doesn’t even splurge for name plates.
Soccer happens. It’s endless. The soccer literally never ends. It’s still happening as you read this. If you’re a future archeologist, and you’ve just found this webpage buried beneath a pile of our 21st century rubble and you’re somehow able to understand this language and follow along with this Bachelor recap, you should know that this soccer game is still taking place.
Emily, one of the twins, is really good at soccer goalie-ing. ABC shows us the twinstant replay of her twincredible saves. She does good. Ben hugs her. They twinbrace.
The game is tied 3-3. Keep up! During overtime, Rachel injures herself. Bachelor medics rush out onto the field to attend to her life-threatening injury. That’s 20 fantasy points. Rachel heals. The stripes team wins and gets extra Ben time. There’s definitely a Ben-e-fit to playing good soccer. I can’t believe you read down this far.
The post-soccer date happens on a rooftop or something. Olivia pulls Ben aside right away and the other girls continue to openly hate her. You can see the hate. The girls say that her breath stinks and she has ugly feet. Olivia says, “Am I aggressive? Yeah. Do I have bad toes? Yeah.” I really want to see her ugly feet now, but ABC doesn’t show us Olivia’s feet. They show us every moment in the pathetic lives of these people, but they won’t show us Olivia’s feet.
Amber makes out with Ben. It’s super slurpy. The slurps are really loud. I feel bad for anyone listening to this show through headphones. Amber gets the group date rose for her slurp skills. You see, kids, slurping is a way better skill than soccer. Quit the team and practice slurping your arm. That’s how to get ahead in life.
Jubilee gets the other one-on-one date. We watch her put on makeup and prepare for her date. Jubille has a couple of pretty big features. Ben must like… features.
Jubilee tells the camera that she gets awkward when she’s nervous, and she’s nervous. Jami tells the camera that, “Jubilee is being awko taco right now.” Good luck preventing me from saying “awko taco” in every conversation I have for the rest of my life.
A HELICOPTER lands outside to pick up awko taco Jubilee and Ben (10 points). The other girlfriends hate on Jubilee for being nervous and awko taco. You guys were hating on her too, admit it. The helicopter takes them to a health spa. Ben must be really into health. They eat caviar and Jubilee almost throws up. It’s super awko taco. She says she doesn’t like caviar, but she sure does like hot dogs. (Innuendo!!!!)
Jubilee and Ben play shuffleboard. So much sports happening. It’s super sportsy. I can’t even handle all the sports. To make sure we’re all paying attention, Jubilee changes into a bikini. They sit in a pool and make out. Jubilee doesn’t slurp as loud as Amber, but she still slurps loud. It’s a slurp-a-thon.
The date continues. Ben and Jubilee get dolled up and go to a mansion to eat on TV. There’s a bunch of food in front of them and they don’t eat it. They just talk. I feel bad for the Bachelor intern who made their food.
Jubilee talks about Haiti, the place from which she was adopted, even though she doesn’t like to talk about her past. She had a bad past. ABC plays soft “Jubilee had a bad past” music while Jubilee talks about her past. She felt rejected and unloved growing up and her entire family died in Haiti. It’s probably the most serious conversation that has ever happened on the Bachelor. I’m not used to serious, so I don’t know how to deal with it. Ben gives Jubilee a rose. It doesn’t replace her family, but it is a nice gesture. Ben and Jubilee make out as ABC zooms in on the food she didn’t eat. I’m not even kidding. It’s awko taco.
The other girlfriends thought Jubilee would get dumped. Little do they know, Ben is falling for Jubilee. Jubilee has become the one everyone hates. That’s 5 points! I’m assuming, by this point in the recap, Consumer’s has dropped their sponsorship.
The cocktail party is next. ABC shows the moon again to let us know how serious things are getting. Before the party, Ben announces to the group that two close friends of his family have died in a plane crash, but he’s willing to get through it and continuing dating 17 women, because he wants to find that special someone who will help him through the plane crash deaths in his life.
Olivia grabs Ben right away to try and be that special someone who helps Ben through plane crash news. Olivia immediately starts talking about her cankles and how she’s embarrassed about her ugly feet. Ben isn’t happy. ABC does not show her feet.
Amanda is next to pull Ben aside and she says the right, plane-crashey things that Ben wants to hear right now. Amanda gets points for her comforting. It’s comfortey.
Jubilee also comforts Ben by giving him a massage. This just goes to show you, always have 17 girlfriends to make sure you get extra comforted when your friends die in plane crashes. The other girls are mad at Jubilee for giving Ben a massage when she already has a rose. The nerve of some girls.
The girls gather and try to confront Jubilee. She runs away to avoid the confrontation. It’s awko taco. Jubilee hides in the bathroom and swears at the other girlfriends through the door. It works! The girls are unable to confront her because she ran away. Let that be a lesson to you, kids; always run away!
Ben goes into the bathroom to comfort Jubilee. It’s reciprocal comforting. Jubilee doesn’t get comforted. She cries. Amber joins the bathroom comfort session to further comfort. It backfires. Jubilee cries more! Guys, this isn’t working!!! Amber is terrible at comforting! Jubilee snots. She’s sad, but she’s getting so many fantasy points. Ben tells Jubilee he still likes her despite whatever the hell is happening here.
Ben is sick of the drama. Just as he’s had enough, Lace pulls him aside to pour more drama gasoline onto the drama fire. Lace cries a bunch. She tells Ben that she needs to work on herself before she’s capable of love. Her earrings look like they weigh one hundred pounds. She should start there.
Lace says goodbye and leaves, getting 25 fantasy points. My guess is that she could tell she was getting dumped and went out on top. You can’t get dumped if you dump first. Let that be a lesson for you, kids; always dump your boyfriend immediately! Also, work on yourself.
The rose ceremony is next. Keep up! Because Lace left voluntarily, Ben only has to dump two girlfriends. Olivia freaks out because she almost doesn’t get a rose. ABC still hasn’t shown us her feet.
Ben dumps Jami and Shushanna. Shushanna straight up carried Rachel in her arms after she got injured playing soccer, so she didn’t deserve to be sent home. She’s a mathematician though, so she’ll figure it out. Get it???!!! Shushanna cries. Jami also cries. Jami tells the camera, “My lesson from this is, don’t ever expect anything from humans.” It’s a good lesson, although it’s a hard lesson to follow when ordering food at a drive thru. You guys, we’ve learned so many lessons tonight.
Next week, Ben takes his 14 girlfriends to Las Vegas. He says, “I’m ready to go all in on love.” I. Hate. This. Show. So. Much.