I can’t believe it’s only been a week since Kelsey was on the bathroom floor being tended to by Bachelor medics. This has been the longest week of my life. It felt like two-to-three weeks. Perhaps even four weeks. On a scale of one-to-ten, the degree to which I felt anxiety over the length of this week is ten. My anxiety needle is pinned. Sorry about this rant, but I’m trying to get you guys to stop reading these recaps so I can never watch this stupid show again.
When we last left our Farmer, one of his girlfriends was crying so much, she needed medical attention. Keep up! Kelsey and Ashley I. were both crying because a cocktail party was cancelled. A cocktail party was cancelled despite the fact that ABC did not warn us with a disclaimer that we’d be watching something with the potential that a cocktail party would be cancelled. They just run around all willy-nilly, cancelling cocktail parties like innocent people aren’t destroyed as a consequence.
But, that’s all in the past. Quit living in the past, you guys. This week is now, and now is here. The preview announcer guy announces that tonight’s episode will contain “the most dramatic 2-on-1 date in Bachelor history.” That’s gotta be some dramatic date! I’ll bet two girlfriends fall off the edge of a cliff, and Chris the Farmer jumps out and grabs onto his two girlfriends, but he doesn’t have enough farmer strength to save them both, so he has to choose which of his girlfriends lives and which one dies, and, as the woman he dumps falls to her death, he makes out with the woman he saved. That would be pretty dramatic, you guys.
Anyway, we begin where we left off. Keep up! Kelsey is crying because the cocktail party was cancelled. It’s a tough moment to re-live. Kaitlyn says it best, “Bitches be crazy.” I haven’t seen that much fake crying since I tried to get out of taking the SATs. The other girlfriends aren’t buying Kelsey’s act. They’re mad.
The paramedic and Kelsey laugh about brownies, or something. It happens. We watch it happen. The paramedic asks Kelsey to rate her pain on a scale of 1-to-10. Kelsey says that she isn’t in pain. So, I guess I have to give her credit for not saying 11 or 40. Kelsey demands to see Chris the Farmer and hopes her panic attack gets her a rose. When the Chris the Farmer arrives, Kelsey tells him that she had an attack because he cancelled the cocktail party. He apologizes. It’s heart warming. My heart is super warm, you guys.
I can’t believe we had to wait a week for this crap. We didn’t even get to see an ambulance. No one even died! Kelsey returns to the couch and recounts her panic attack with the other girls. She laughs away at how silly it all was. She’s a little bit crazy. The rest of the girls hate Kelsey. She’s the one everyone hates. That’s a big moment for any girl.
The rose ceremony is next. Carly says, “If Kelsey gets a rose, I may spontaneously combust.” On scale of 1-to-10, that’s a 10. Carly, Britt and Whitney already have a rose. Ashley I. cries because she thinks she’s going home. She pretty much cries no matter what. Ashley I. isn’t sent home. Chris the Farmer dumps some girl named Samantha who hasn’t said a word this entire season, yet has somehow lasted through 5 weeks. Mackenzie is also sent home. She cries because it’s sad. You guys cried too. Kelsey gets a rose and Carly does not spontaneously combust. This show is a rip off.
After that crap, Chris the Farmer takes his remaining girlfriends to Deadwood, South Dakota, which is in Georgia, I think. Chris the Farmer says that it’s the perfect place to fall in love. I punch my computer.
We get footage of Chris the Farmer shaving and putting on his shirt. We watch it. It happens. ABC takes Old West-type pictures of Chris the Farmer. It’s super fun. I’m having a great time already.
The girls go out onto the balcony of their hotel room and yell, “Hello Deadwood!” Deadwood does not yell back. Deadwood is so rude. There’s going to be a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and the most dramatic 2-on-1 date in Bachelor history.
Becca gets the 1-on-1 date. Chris the Farmer is excited because Becca is the only girl left he hasn’t kissed. That’s a huge deal. This guy has kissed everything. Chris the Farmer walks through a field to meet Becca, for some reason. They walk through another field to find some horses. They ride the horses. Sports quota filled. There’s super uplifting music playing as they ride the horses. It’s like the gates of heaven have opened to shine upon Chris the Farmer and Becca’s horse-riding excursion.
Back at the hotel, Carly hates on Kelsey. Carly is mad because other girls aren’t hating on her. She talks about it. The other girls get together in a room to confront Kelsey about her crazy fakedness. It’s super dramatic. The music is dramatic. I get super nervous because it’s all very dramatic. They ask her why she laughed about stuff. She starts to cry when she answers because of all the drama. It’s even more dramatic than it was a minute ago. I can’t even imagine how dramatic things will be another minute from now.
Kelsey keeps talking about her dead husband and her panic attack and everything. Carly continues to grill Kelsey on her craziness. Kelsey rises above the hate. She tells the camera that the other girls hate her because she’s super smart and articulate. I think that’s why I hate her.
Back on the 1-on-1 date, Becca and Chris the Farmer roast food over a fire because there are no stoves in Deadwood, South Dakota. Becca makes Chris the Farmer laugh and ABC keeps playing the laugh. It’s a super cute laugh. He’s such a gentleman. They still haven’t made out yet. I can’t even take all of the tension.
They talk and there’s talking. Becca wants to have kids in the next five years. Chris the Farmer wants to have kids too. They should get married. Becca tells the camera that she can let her guard down around Chris the Farmer. You guys let your guard down too, admit it.
Back at the hotel (keep up!) the girls wait to find out who goes on the 2-on-1 date. All of the girls are nervous because of their nerves. When the group date cast is announced, it’s revealed that Kelsey and Ashley I. will be on the dreaded 2-on-1 date where one of them is dumped after dinner. It’s dramatic. These girls both cry enough as is. This date should be off the hook. I don’t want to jinx it, but there’s a chance that this could be the most dramatic 2-on-1 date in Bachelor history.
Back on the stupid 1-on-1 date, Chris the Farmer gives Becca a rose by the fire and they make out. It’s so slurpy. Becca apologizes to her dad for making out with a famer on TV. She doesn’t apologize to Claire’s dad, even though he watched the whole thing too.
The group date is next and nobody cares. We all just want to see the most dramatic 2-on-1 date in Bachelor history, not the stupidest, most boringness group date in Bachelor history. Chris the Farmer gathers his girlfriends and tells them that they’re all going to write a country music song. Boring!
Some guys named ‘Big and Rich’ walk up and the girls all cheer. Everyone loves ‘Big and Rich’. You guys do too, admit it. ‘Big and Rich’ wrote ‘Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy’, which was my parents’ wedding song. They tell the girls how to write songs. We watch it. It happens. It’s a ton of fun.
Jade isn’t having fun. She doesn’t write songs. What an idiot! Jade feels sad because of sad feelings. The music is sad. One of the Big and Rich guys (I think it’s Big) tells Jade to run around outside so she doesn’t feel sad. It works. Jade runs around Deadwood, North Dakota, Georgia and feels better. She’s happy. The music is happy. I’m happy. I love the world. Jade writes her song. While she’s writing it, she sees Chris the Farmer grinding on Britt. Jade is sad again. I’d say that’s a bad thing, but that’s the kind of inspiration you need to write a country song.
To start off the song thing, Chris the Farmer sings his song that he wrote. There’s a creepy banjo guy who plays banjo. Chris the Farmer sings to his girlfriends while reading out of a notebook. It’s just as bad as anyone would expect. I hate this show.
The other girls sing. There’s a bunch of singing. We watch is happen. It doesn’t stop happening for 20 minutes or so. Why would you read these? You could be doing math or something? If the Earth were just a couple thousand feet closer to the sun, we’d all burn up and no one would have to watch this show anymore. Maybe, if I win Powerball…
Chris the Farmer thanks his girlfriends for singing. Big and Rich talk about how lucky Chris the Farmer is to have so many cool girlfriends. He has nine of them. He’s going to dump two of them soon, so he really only has seven girlfriends. He’s not so lucky anymore, is he Big and Rich? How come Big and Rich never answer my questions?
The group date continues at a place that has couches and a fire. These places are everywhere, and ABC knows where to find them. Chris the Farmer drinks with his girlfriends. He talks to Jade about feelings and then makes out with her. Next, he talks to Kaitlyn about her feelings and chemistry. Then, they make out. After that, he talks to Britt. They run away together because they have an unbelievable connection. Whitney points out their connection and earns a Fantasy point for using the word “connection”.
Chris the Farmer and Britt run off to a Big and Rich concert that was happening within walking distance, yet somehow could not be heard at their little fire party. Britt gets 10 points for her private concert by an ABC featured artist. They make out a bunch in the middle of the concert. Big and Rich (still not sure which one is which) invite them up on stage. Chris the Farmer gives Britt a rose in front of the crowd. They cheer, for some reason.
After their concert, Chris the Farmer and Britt return to the other girlfriends he just abandoned. His other girlfriends aren’t happy. They realize their boyfriend is a tremendous jerk. If you’re going to go on a date with six women, don’t leave five of them on a couch while you go to a Big and Rich concert with Britt. That’s, like, dating 101.
He almost apologizes to the rest of his girlfriends without really apologizing. He says that he wishes he could say something to make things better. “I’m sorry” may have worked. He’s such a gentleman!
When the other girls find out Britt got a Big and Rich concert, they’re mad. You guys were mad too, admit it! Carly cries because she’s invisible. I think being invisible would be cool. Carly doesn’t see the advantages.
Kaitlyn also cries. She isn’t invisible, she humiliated. That’s not really a super power like invisibility. Kaitlyn runs off to the bathroom and cameras capture her crying through the door. These camera guys are good. Whitney cries outside of the bathroom. She says that she’s having a hard time because her heart is pure. That’s kind of a super power. This date was super dramatic. It wasn’t quite the most dramatic group date in Bachelor history, but, whatever.
The 2-on-1 date is next. FINALLY! The girls get to RIDE IN A HELICOPTER! There has been almost no helicopter this season, even with gas prices as low as they are. C’mon, ABC! Kelsey and Ashley I. are both excited to see the other one go home. Ashley says, “I just can’t even.” You guys can’t even either, admit it.
The helicopter lands in the Badlands. There’s a canopy bed in the middle of the Badlands. Those lands don’t sound so bad with all of the canopy beds. They should call them the Goodlands, LOL.
The 2-on-1 date is super awkward. Chris the Farmer sits on his canopy bed with his two girlfriends and drinks. It happens. Ashley I. gets some alone time in the Badlands while Kelsey sits on the canopy bed alone. Ashley I. and Chris the Farmer have a slurpy makeout session in the Badlands. More like Wetlands, amIright??!!! You guys are jerks. After they slurp, Ashley I. warns Chris the Farmer that Kelsey is evil and fake. He takes the news well.
Kelsey gets the next Badlands alone time session. Chris the Farmer plants a blanket somewhere in the Badlands so he and Kelsey can talk. They talk. We listen. It happens. Kelsey tells Chris the Farmer that she’s prepared to be his wife. It’s super creepy. Chris the Farmer tells Kelsey that Ashley I. told him that Kelsey is fake. He rats Ashley I. out! He’s such a gentleman! Kelsey turns on the drama and acts her way out of the situation, saying all of the things ABC told her to say, I’m assuming. It’s a stupid scene with stupid people. I’m sorry, this show is staged and stupid. I hate it.
Back on the Badlands canopy bed, Kelsey confronts Ashley I. about her snitchery. Chris the Farmer is conveniently not there. Kelsey yells at Ashley I. and she laughs it off. They talk. It’s stupid. The music is super dramatic… and stupid.
Ashley I. pulls Chris the Farmer away and yells at him for ratting her out. It’s a snotfest of emotion in the heart of the Badlands. Chris the Farmer explains himself, or something. He does a poor job of making things better. There’s a ton of talking and crying.
Chris the Farmer feels so bad about what he did that he dumps Ashley I. It’s a good way to cheer her up. He tells her that he can’t give her the lifestyle she wants. Ashley I. runs off. Doesn’t she know she’s in the Badlands??!! There are wolves, I think.
I give Ashley I. a ton of credit for walking away from the jerk while he acts like a jerk, dumping a girl ten minutes after making out with her because she had the nerve to be mad at him for betraying her trust. You go, Ashley I…. you really weird and emotional princess woman. Ashley I. cries in the badlands by herself.
Being the gentleman he is, Chris the Farmer tracks Ashley I. down to apologize. Wait, that doesn’t happen. Instead, he goes to the canopy bed and dumps Kelsey. Boom!
Double elimination! It’s the MOST DRAMATIC 2-ON-1 DATE IN BACHELOR HISTORY… unless you count the other 2-on-1 dates where the Bachelor dumped both contestants. Chris the Farmer tells Kelsey that he can’t be there for her 110%, which is technically true because that’s impossible. Kelsey actually takes her dumping well. She just kind of sits on the canopy bed. That’s the way I want to go out.
In the ultimate gentlemanly move, Chris the Farmer dumps both of his girlfriends and leaves them in the middle of the desert. He’s such a gentleman! He actually leaves in the helicopter. I’m not sure if the other girls had to walk home or if Bachelor interns had to take them home on the handlebars of their bikes. We’ll never know.
Back at the hotel, the girls celebrate when Bachelor interns take Kelsey’s luggage away, signifying that she’s been dumped. You guys celebrated too, admit it.
So, there’s no rose ceremony because Chris the Farmer dumped two girlfriends in the desert. There are two episodes next week on Sunday and Monday. I hope you’re all happy.
Next week, there are no ambulances, so what’s the point? Please listen to ‘We Bros Accept this Rose’, a podcast about ‘The Bachelor’ with myself and Shaun Murphy. It’s really good. On a scale of 1-to-10, you’ll experience no pain.