There are only three weeks left to go in this season of ‘The Bachelor’. That’s like sitting down to eat an entire cow and saying “All I have left is the head and organs!” Chris Soules is very close to finding love. There are only three contestants remaining in his love game show; Becca, Whitney and Kaitlyn. Tonight, Chris the Farmer will have sex with all three of them in a Fantasy Suite and then dump one of them. It’s every girl’s Fairy Tale come true. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.
The Bachelor is in Bali. That’s where ABC brought the four young lovers. There will be love, makeout sessions, drama, talking, crying, yachts, rocks, Chris Harrison invitations to Fantasy Suites, virgins, shorts, and more. I can hardly stand it.
To start things off, Chris the Farmer walks around Bali in a pink shirt. He buys food, plays Bali music, does culture, wears shorts, changes his clothes three times, and thinks about love. Even after all of that, he still has time to sit on a rock and stare off into the distance. This guy is a pro.
Kaitlyn gets the first one-on-one date. She’ll probably rap a little, because that’s what she does. Chris the Farmer says, “Kaitlyn is the kind of person I can see having in my life.” I hope so, Chris. You’re dating her.
They go to a temple where they’re not allowed to kiss. Chris the Farmer hasn’t gone more than eight seconds without kissing a woman, so he will probably crack. We might need Bachelor medics on hand. Do the Bachelor medics travel to Bali, or do they outsource the Medic care to local Bali clinics? Answer me!
Chris the Farmer and Kaitlyn do some religious ritual stuff or something. Then, they walk around Bali to bother innocent people. Bali seems nice. They have Pringles there, so it’s a lot like Wheatfield, NY.
A monkey walks up to them and Kaitlyn asks, “Is this real?” Turns out, it is. It’s a place where monkeys climb on you to get bananas. It’s a chance to hear Chris the Farmer’s giggle, which is ridiculous. One of the monkeys pees on Chris the Farmer. A monkey takes a banana from Kaitlyn and she tells the camera that she wishes she could be more like a monkey and take what she wants. She’s comparing monkeys to love. I get it.
After that, they make out. Then, they talk. The thing about this show is, it’s just basically talking. It’s people talking. They’re dating on TV, kind of. They talk about the kind of crap you talk about when you’re uncomfortable, and then they make out because they can’t think of anything else to say. We watch it. I recap it. You read about it. This is us. This is our life. Chris the Farmer just brushed some monkey hair off of his purple shirt and you saw it and I wrote about it.
Next, they eat on TV. This show is terrible. Bachelor Bali interns have lit a couple thousand candles to make sure that it’s super romantic. Kaitlyn is nervous about telling Chris the Farmer that she’s falling in love with him. You guys are nervous too, admit it. She talks about her nerves. Chris the Farmer tells her that it’s okay to feel nerves. It’s a huge relief.
It looks like it’s really hot in Bali. They’re both sweating. It would probably be hard to eat outside in that heat. Your Pringles would get soft.
After eating, Chris the Farmer pulls out Chris Harrison’s invitation for them to have sex in the Fantasy Suite. Kaitlyn accepts the invitation to sleep with Chris the Farmer. They make out more and then go to their Fantasy Suite. There’s a bathtub full of rose pedals. There has to be more than 100,000 rose pedals in that tub. Think of all of the time and pricked fingers those poor Bachelor interns had to endure to perform that task, and Chris the Farmer and Kaitlyn just looked at it for a half-second. What a waste of roses!
Kaitlyn tells Chris the Farmer that she’s falling in love with him. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her. They’re falling in love with each other. That’s convenient. Normally, Bachelors don’t tell contestants that they’re falling in love. This is super huge, you guys. You don’t even know. As we go to commercial, ABC shows us the moon. These guys and their moons. They just love that moon!
Whitney gets the next date. Chris the Farmer takes her on a giant yacht. They make out and then eat a picnic lunch. We watch them eat, talk and smooch. The captain takes them out into the ocean or something and Chris the Farmer yells, “Hey Bali!” Then, they make out some more. After making out, Whitney talks about how amazing the date is. We can see how amazing the date is, but her enforcement of the amazingness helps put it all into perspective. It’s an amazing date. You could be reading ‘The Jungle’ by Upton Sinclair and you’re reading this.
Whitney tells Chris the Farmer that she’s mad about how her sister acted last week during hometown dates. Her sister was all skeptical and stuff. It was super skeptical. I couldn’t even stand how skeptical it was. I had to call off work for a couple of days. I almost didn’t make it, you guys.
After talking about how amazing the date is, they make it more amazing by jumping from the boat into the ocean. Whitney makes a correlation between jumping into the ocean and jumping into love. It makes me think a lot because it’s such a deep statement. It’s deep like the ocean. The ocean is totally relatable in so many ways.
After the boat date, they go to a place with a couch and candles. These ABC guys love these places. Whitney and Chris the Farmer drink some alcohol and talk about their journey. Chris the Farmer warns Whitney that his hometown of Arlington is really small and there’s nothing to do and nowhere to work. He’s worried that Whitney might not be into that. At no point is the possibility of Chris the Farmer moving out of Arlington to be with the woman he loves discussed. That’s apparently not an option. Whitney says that she’s willing to give up her dreams to have Chris the Farmer’s babies. It’s really creepy and disturbing the way women on this show are forced to bow to the man in order to make it through another round in the game show.
Chris the Farmer offers Whitney an invitation to have sex in a Fantasy Suite and she accepts it. They go to their Fantasy Suite. There is no bathtub filled with rose pedals. What’s the point? What’s the point of any of this? Why even go to Bali if your bathtub isn’t full of rose pedals. There were bubbles in the tub with a few rose pedals sprinkled around. It’s complete bullshit. Why even breathe?
Becca gets the third date. She’s a virgin. Becca tells the camera that Bali is the perfect place to fall in love. She also talks about how she’s a virgin and how she has to tell Chris the Farmer that she’s a virgin. The preview footage throughout the night has teased scenes where the subject of Becca being a virgin becomes uncomfortable. This should be fun.
Chris the Farmer walks Becca through a Bali farm and explains Bali farming. We watch it. Some Bali kids pose for pictures with Chris the Farmer. We watch that too.
They stop at a Bali Wiseman and the Wiseman reads their fortune, or something. I don’t speak Balise. The Wiseman’s advice is for them to make love. That’s super hilarious because Becca is a virgin and virgins don’t make love.
After their sex consultation, Becca and Chris the Farmer sit by a really loud waterfall and talk about their feelings. Then, they make out.
Later, Becca and Chris the Farmer eat on TV while she worries about having to tell him about her virginess. I’m super nervous for her. Before she even gets a chance to tell him about her virgin status, Chris the Farmer tells her that she’s going to have to move to Arlington if she wants to win the game show. I’m not even really exaggerating that. It’s basically what he says.
Becca tells Chris the Farmer that she needs to know for sure that she has a future with him before she decides to move to Arlington. This girl is so picky about everything! First, she doesn’t have sex with people. Now, she doesn’t want to up and move to Arlington! Becca? More like Hecca… as in, she’s one heccava picky person. You guys are jerks.
Chris the Farmer gives Becca her sex invitation card. She’s super nervous because she has to tell the virgin thing and is afraid Chris the Farmer will dump her for being a virgin. She has trouble telling him, so they make out for about ten minutes. We watch it. She accepts the invitation without telling him.
Becca and Chris the Farmer go to their Fantasy Suite and she still hasn’t told him that she’s a virgin. What is going on?
They drink alcohol and Becca finally tells Chris the Farmer that she’s a virgin. Finally! It’s so weird. She says, “I’m a virgin.” It sounds like she’s telling someone that she’s an arsonist. Chris the Farmer doesn’t dump her for being a virgin. He’s such a gentleman! He tells her that it’s okay to be a virgin. He’s so accepting! I wish I was a virgin so I could also be accepted! Then, they make out. They don’t have sex though because Becca is waiting until she gets married to do that. I’ve completely forgotten to mention this, but Becca is a virgin. She’s never had sex before. Sorry about not mentioning that. This all probably makes a lot more sense now.
All three dates are over and there are still forty minutes left. Chris the Farmer tells the camera that he’s unsure about Becca because they had a conversation in the morning after not having sex and she didn’t promise him that she’d move to Arlington to churn out babies while he farmed. It’s a serious moment.
Chris the Farmer stands on a porch and stares off into the Bali distance while thinking about Becca. At the exact same time, driven by powerful cosmic forces, Becca walks on the Bali beach and thinks about Chris the Farmer. They both think so much. It’s thinky. The thinking happens for awhile. We watch it.
Chris the Farmer tells the camera that his other two girlfriends have told him they love him and have promised to move to Arlington. He’s not sure he can handle Becca not agreeing to move to Arlington after dating him for nine weeks while he was also dating a bunch of other women. She’s such a prude!
The farmer cries while thinking about the thought of dumping Becca. You guys cried too, admit it. He’s scared that he might be dumping the wrong woman. This is why you should only date one woman at a time.
To help sort things out, Chris Harrison stops by the Bali bungalow to offer guidance and ask pointless questions. Chris the Farmer tells Chris Harrison that he has fears about dumping the wrong girl. Chris Harrison says, “That’s your fear?” He’s a really good interviewer. You should see how solemnly he nods his head while Chris the Farmer talks. It’s super solemny.
There’s a ton of talking. Chris the Farmer talks about all of his girlfriends. He really does have a lot of girlfriends. He’s going to dump one of them. He’s such a gentleman! Chris Harrison leaves him alone to think about which girlfriend he’s going to dump. Chris Harrison barely touches the tropical drink that some poor Bachelor intern left out for him to drink.
The rose ceremony is next. There are still thirty minutes left. What the hell are they going to do for thirty minutes? Much to my amusement, Chris the Farmer wears some kind of Bali kimono to the rose ceremony. Chris Harrison also wears one. They do so because the rose ceremony occurs in a sacred Bali temple. The grounds are so sacred that there are strict rules of behavior that must be followed. It makes me so happy to see these yahoos hold their game show challenge in a sacred temple. I’m sure the spirits within the temple are super stoked about the disgusting mockery taking place on their sacred ground.
Chris Harrison actually tells Chris the Farmer, “Please respect this sacred place.” We’re talking about a guy who matches a man with 28 women, many of which are selected for ratings because they’re clinically insane, but he wants to make damn sure that everyone respects the temple. Respect the temple, you guys. We know Becca will. Virgin.
The rose ceremony happens. There are orange flowers everywhere. They must have run out of roses in Bali when they filled that bathtub. Chris the Farmer gives a speech about how hard it is to dump one of your three girlfriends. He breathes a lot because it’s so hard. You guys breathed a lot too, admit it.
Before dumping someone, Chris the Farmer pulls Becca aside. The music is dark and dreary. Becca thinks she’s getting dumped. They sit on temple steps while respecting temple rules. I think Becca is getting dumped. I’m not sure if dumping a girl is against temple rules. If not, it should be.
They talk. We listen. Shut up, I’m trying to listen! Becca explains that she IS in love with Chris the Farmer and she WOULD move to Arlington to breed for him. She says, “It’s all real and it’s all honest.” I can’t even believe how real and honest this all is. It’s super real and completely honest. Becca basically begs to not be dumped. Chris the Farmer says, “Yeah, that’s tough.” He doesn’t dump her, though. They return to the rose ceremony.
While Becca was off begging to stay, Kaitlyn and Whitney talked about how Becca is getting dumped. They’re excited about how they’re both one of only two girlfriends now. When Becca comes back, it’s super dramatic because we’re back to three girlfriends and no one knows what is going on. I don’t know what’s going on. Do you guys know? I don’t even know. So, Becca is a virgin? Who knew? This is a lot of drama for a temple setting. I thought those places were supposed to be chill and stuff.
Chris the Farmer goes back to his post, gives Whitney and Becca a rose and dumps Kaitlyn. He’s such a gentleman. You should always make a girl wait around in a Bali temple for 10 minutes while you talk to your other girlfriend before dumping her. Girls love that.
Chris the Farmer walks Kaitlyn out. They don’t talk a lot, so at least there’s that. Chris the Farmer apologizes for dumping Kaitlyn and cries. He says, “There are certain things I don’t even understand right now.” Maybe you shouldn’t date a bunch of women at once. He tries to explain how he’s not sure if he should have dumped Kaitlyn. It’s probably the wrong thing to say to a girl while dumping her. I’m not an expert though.
Kaitlyn takes the dumping well, I think. She doesn’t really talk. I’m happy for her that she kind of lets Chris the Farmer do all of the talking because he sounds really stupid. While he’s dumping Kaitlyn, a Bali rooster keeps screaming. It’s appropriate.
They hug. Kaitlyn cries. She finally talks outside of her car and says, “I don’t want to get in there.” So, Chris the Farmer puts her in the car. He’s such a gentleman. Kaitlyn doesn’t say a lot in the car because she’s embarrassed and sad. You guys were embarrassed and sad too, admit it!
Chris the Farmer sits on the temple steps and cries about the girlfriend he just dumped in Bali. It’s a metaphor for life. We’re all just sitting on our own personal temple steps, crying about our own personal girlfriends that we just dumped in our own personal Bali.
Next week, the women tell all. I really wish they wouldn’t. Please listen to ‘We Bros Accept this Rose’, a podcast about this exciting Bachelor episode.