Did you know that you can’t completely stop your breathing on purpose? Your body will not allow it. You pass out after 3 or 4 minutes, and then, your stupid involuntarily active brain takes control and makes your lungs work again. I know this because I tried to hold my breath forever while shoe shopping with my wife Monday evening, knowing that I still had a 2-hour torture-fest waiting on my DVR when I got home. Did you know that the DSW in the Galleria Mall has 400,093 shoes on display and that none of them please my wife? Did you know that, when you don’t have a cell phone, the only thing to do while shoe shopping is to stand there? Did you know that no one at the DSW store in the Galleria Mall was nice enough to murder me, despite my pleading glares? Did you know any of this?
Sean Lowe is almost a normal human being. He’s down to 3 girlfriends, Catherine, AshLee, and Lindsay. ABC has flown the fun bunch to Si Kao, Thailand so that Sean can have sex with all three of his girlfriends and then dump one of them. Its Fantasy Suite week, baby!
Sean is a huge ‘God’ guy, so it’s not automatically assumed that he’s going to have sex with three women; until you consider his interview with Chris Harrison last week, when Harrison asked Sean if he was going to use the Fantasy Suites to have sex and Sean said “None of your business.” If someone asks me if I’m going to have sex (almost no one does) and I’m not going to have sex, I say, “No.” If someone asks me if I’m going to have sex, and I am, I say, “None of your business.”
We begin this week’s episode of everyone’s favorite Game Show with Sean thinking on a boat. He says, “It’s amazing to think that I’m down to three girls.” It’s more amazing to think about how he’s never contracted pneumonia when he never wears a shirt.
Sean is worried about dumping one of his girlfriends. He’ll feel better when he has sex with them all. Sean does more thinking and they just flash all over the place. It’s hard to keep up. First, Sean is in a hammock. Then, just as I get comfortable with the idea of Sean being in a hammock, Boom! Sean is thinking next to a fountain. We’re four minutes in and I’m already sweating.
ABC rolls out a ton of footage of stuff we’ve already seen because they didn’t do enough of that during their horse-crap interview special last week. Sean talks about his girlfriends with interspersed clips. There are ghosts of past slurpy make-out sessions and memories of Sean taking his shirt off a couple of times.
Two highlights of the re-hash-a-thon:
1. Sean talks about Catherine and how, “We have a romantic connection that is off the charts.” I don’t think that using the phrase ‘off the charts’ is romantic.
2. Sean, on Lindsay: “She’s so much more than the crazy girl in a wedding dress that I met on that first night.”
10 minutes in, ABC has told us 8 times what is about to happen during this episode, but they refuse to actually show us. ABC is a tease.
Lindsay gets the first date. Lindsay is excited because, last week she told Sean that she was falling in love with him and, this week, she’s going to tell Sean that she is in love with him. That’s some week! You just go along, and you’re falling, and then, boom! Love!
Sean doesn’t have laces in his sneakers so, I’m hoping they don’t get attacked by Thailand hoodlums, forcing them to run. It’s very hard to run without laces in your sneakers. Why doesn’t Sean have laces? Is it because he’s on suicide watch? I should be the one in lace-less sneakers.
Sean and Lindsay ride a motorcycle go-cart through Thailand. Sean asked Lindsay if she wants to have fun. She says, “Yes, but I won’t eat a bug” so, there will be bug-eating. They pet some painted chickens and learn to say ‘thank you’ in Thailand talk. They shop on TV and it’s super interesting. I love watching shopping so much more than doing it.
Because there are no buildings around to climb, they eat bugs. Lindsay doesn’t want to do it but is inspired by her brave boyfriend. Sean talks about how he wants a fun life, so it’s cool that his future wife won’t refuse to eat bugs with him. They eat chicken feet while Sean tells the camera that this is what he wants in a marriage. I did it for the financial support, but chicken feet are good too.
Next, they sit on a beach and talk, and there’s talking. Then, they make out. It’s loud. It’s about time because I waited, like, 18 minutes. They feed some wild monkeys to prepare each other for a real life together. The sun sets, just in time for more making out. Sean’s shirt comes off with no warning. Lindsay still hasn’t told Sean she loves him and I’m tired of waiting. I feel like it will never happen.
They go to a flower boat or something. Are you even still reading?
Sean talks more and my wife thinks that Lindsay is the winner. She says that she can see it in Sean’s eyes. I wasn’t even looking at Sean because his shirt is on. Lindsay is just about to tell Sean that she loves him when a Thailand parade begins. I hate when that happens. People with long fingernails play annoying music and dance. I’m not a big fan of Thailand.
Sean pulls out a sex envelope. Inside, Chris Harrison has penned a written request for Sean and Lindsay to have sex with each other in a fantasy suite. I know they don’t technically have to make sex but, I also know that Sean told America that it’s none of their business. It really is none of my business. I wish this entire show was none of my business.
Lindsay finally says, “I love you” and some Lionel Richie type music blasts through the speakers at deafening levels. So, it’s settled. Lindsay loves Sean. Relief washes over my entire body.
AshLee gets the next date. She has only told Sean she loves him 48 times, so we’ll see if she has the guts to tell him a 49th time.
AshLee says, “Words can’t express the overwhelming joy that I have when I’m with him,” not realizing that she just used words to express that joy. AshLee loves that ABC has Sean take her on so many adventures.
AshLee gets a boat ride to some remote rock islands and I’m guessing Lindsay will be jealous watching this from home after being forced to eat crickets.
AshLee and Sean are going to swim through a cave to get to a private beach on which they will make out. AshLee lets us know how much she isn’t looking forward to this by saying “I don’t do caves.” Then, she compares swimming through a cave to falling in love and I throw my remote control on the ground. This show is ridiculously stupid.
AshLee talks about how she’s scared to go through a cave because she was abandoned when she was a child. While, that must have been tough, she needs to shut up. Just swim through the cave. Not everything is about your childhood. She uses more analogies than you can shake a stick at.
They swim through their boring cave of boredom. AshLee isn’t even really scared. You can’t understand what they’re saying because ABC didn’t properly mic the cave.
To compensate, ABC ups the drama with music that you would use as a Soundtrack for a murdering spree. It’s scary because, it’s just Sean and AshLee alone in a cave with a life preserver, a flotation device, some tour guides, some emergency responders, 3 camera men, and a small production crew. They’re all alone… like AshLee… when she was a child.
They make it to the other side of the cave and make out. Sean compares swimming in a cave to falling in love. AshLee tells us all how she’s a new person because she swam. I now hate AshLee. HATE her. I’m so sick of her talking. I don’t care how much she’s suffered because she obviously doesn’t care about how much I have to suffer while listening to her gush over a man who she’s known for a month and who is dating 2 other women. AshLee is an idiot.
ABC somehow makes it rain while they’re making out. Unless, it was God who made it rain because he’s excited about all of the sex his buddy Sean will soon be having.
AshLee says, “Every part of my being loves Sean.” I guess even the part of her being that makes her need to pee loves Sean. She loves Sean with her kidneys and her teeth.
They sit in their Thailand hut and say nice things about each other. It’s sappy. They talk about being engaged and how being engaged means that they’ll spend the rest of their lives together. They must not read People magazine. I spend that time trying to figure out what is written on AshLee’s necklace. It’s a gold word, but I can’t figure out what it says. I’ve narrowed it down to ‘Impact’, ‘Gypsyest’, or ‘Quisp.’ If she has the name of a cereal that only three people have heard of around her neck, I might like her again.
Sean pulls out Chris Harrison’s sex invitation and hands it to AshLee. AshLee is nervous about their love shack encounter. Sean assures her that they’ll just talk all night. Lindsay is worried about how it’ll come across, but she agrees to spend the night with Sean. What they do next is none of your business.
Catherine gets the next date. She’s getting dumped by Sean soon, so I’ll try to pay close attention to everything she says.
They take a boat ride and talk about how silly they are together. It’s true. They’re ridiculously silly. I’m having trouble typing because I’ve got the giggles. You should see these two. It’s adorable.
They talk and, there’s talking. Catherine’s wine glass is big enough to keep a nurse shark. The topic turns to real stuff like life and things get real. Catherine wants Sean to know she’s ready to get married and says “My best friend is married, so I can tell her anything.” I didn’t know that happened when you got married. No one tells me anything. They make out.
Catherine and Sean jump off of their boat into the ocean. Before they jump off of the boat, Catherine makes a point about how she’s ready to jump into love. I hope that every producer in charge of this show is currently afflicted with a skin rash. Catherine and Sean snorkel.
Catherine is nervous because she hasn’t told Sean she loves him and the game show is almost over. It’s like she doesn’t even want to win.
The sex invitation is next. Catherine has values and morals that prevent her from being completely comfortable accepting Chris Harrison’s sex invitation, but not uncomfortable making out with a guy who’s lips still smell of the other two women he just made out with.
Sean admires Catherine’s traditional values. He’s excited to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite to do “None of your Business”. Catherine accepts Chris Harrison’s sex invitation. They make out.
The dates are over, the sex has been had and, it’s time to dump a girlfriend. While contemplating who to dump, Sean fixes his hair with his shirt off in front of the mirror. Luckily, a camera records it all. It’s a good 12 seconds of hair fixin’. This man is focused.
Chris Harrison, who worked his ass off last week with that super long interview, digs deep for another heart-to-heart with Sean. Harrison is a laborer. He wrote three sex invitations and now has another interview. He’s like the Lou Gehrig of dating shows. (Sports quota filled.) I wonder if, someday, there will be a ‘Chris Harrison’ disease.
Sean tells Chris Harrison that he’s found his wife and will propose at the end of the season, without mentioning how much pressure ABC has put on him to propose to one of his girlfriends. Sean knows who he has to dump this week, but still has to sit through three video messages from his girlfriends. They each beg Sean not to dump him.
After the commercial, Sean says that he thinks he knows who he’s sending home, 3 minutes after telling Chris Harrison that he KNEW who he was sending home. Which is it, Chris? Do you know, or do you think you know? I don’t think Sean is here for the right reasons.
The video messages are stupid. The show is stupid, so it’s all relative, but there are levels of stupid. This level is orange. AshLee doesn’t even make it through her stupid video without crying. A major television network doesn’t bother to show us the edited version without all of the snot and tears. We quickly learn why.
The cameras cut to Sean with a super pained look on his face. ABC is trying to tell us that he’s going to send AshLee home. Those tricksters! No way he is sending AshLee home. He’s sending Catherine home. It’s classic Bachelor misdirection. I take back that ‘skin rash’ thing, Bachelor producers. You guys are hilariously trickstery.
It’s raining for the rose ceremony and Sean says it’s raining because he’s about to dump someone. Sean is not aware of how weather works. Chris Harrison warns the girls that one of them is about to be dumped. Sean walks in to dump one. He’s wearing a suit coat with a handkerchief in the pocket. You don’t really see handkerchiefs anymore. I guess if I was a guy who was constantly dumping girlfriends, I would keep a handkerchief handy.
Sean tells the girls about how he got dumped on his Bachelor journey with Emily Maynard at this point in the show and just how painful it was. Then, he dumps AshLee. Boom! Sean doesn’t do it fast. It takes 8 minutes. It’s a grueling 8 minutes. ABC’s dramatic music CD almost ran out.
AshLee is not happy about being dumped. She storms out (IT’S STORMY OUTSIDE! OMG!) AshLee doesn’t want Sean to explain himself.
He apologizes for dumping her. Sean gives a long-winded explanation about connections and pain. AshLee says, “Alright” and then gets into the dump mobile.
She’s acts kind of psychotic. AshLee turns around in the back seat of her dump mobile somehow and cries, making it hard for cameras to capture her dumpedness.
AshLee says that this wasn’t a silly game to her. To clarify, a girl who signed up to be on a show where a man dates 25 women, takes them to milk goats and polar bear plunge, makes out with one of them for 4 minutes straight, climbs down buildings with them, has them roller derby, and constantly plays jokes on them like convincing them they’ve broken priceless pieces of art, wasn’t into silly games. It’s good to know. I would not have wanted AshLee’s integrity to have been challenged.
AshLee is pretty mad. It’s a good thing she didn’t have sex with Sean in a Fantasy Suite dressed up by a television network with candles and pillows. She did spend a considerable amount of time telling Sean her ring size and gushing to a camera about how much she loved him. I hope she wasn’t in a bar with a lot of people watching this episode back. There would be a lot of whistling people in that bar.
Sean is sad and sits in front of a fountain again to be sad. I think it’s the same fountain he sat at to think about who to dump but, I’m not sure. I’ve never been to Thailand. Sean is sad, though. You see it. He sits there with his hands clasped and acts sad. It’s still raining and now I understand love.
As the credits roll, Catherine and Sean do math and giggle. Next week is the worst thing on Earth. It’s the ‘Women Tell All’ episode. Why does everyone involved with this show feel the need to constantly tell all? Don’t tell all. Tell nothing.
My wife did eventually find shoes. They were on sale. Thank you so much for asking.
Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’.