“America has fallen in love with you two.”

When a deer gets caught in a trap, it’ll chew off  its foot to escape. I considered doing this to get out of watching and recapping 3 hours of ‘Bachelor’ misery tonight. Unfortunately, my foot does not reach my mouth. I don’t even own a saw.

Sean Lowe is so close to finding true love, he can taste it. America can taste it. The Bachelor only has two girlfriends left. You’d think, with only two measly girls around, ABC could wrap this crap up quick but, no. We get another 3-hour season finale. I know people who like this show and I know people who only watch it to make fun of it and, I guarantee, no one likes the fact that the finale is 3-hours long.

Before the fun starts, the big-voice ABC guy says we have a “bombshell ending.” I guess that means that everyone involved in this garbage walks in front of the camera, apologizes to America, and then quits without an ending.

They tease us that there is some big dramatic note at the end, and that Sean could get dumped but, it won’t be anything that dramatic. This show is stupid.

We begin with a live studio audience and everyone’s favorite interviewer, Chris Harrison. The studio audience is predominantly female. They’ve all just consumed some Red Bull and have practiced both approving and disapproving faces in the mirror.

Chris Harrison mentions the stakes. A girl fist pumps when Harrison says ‘Lindsay’ and I vow to never fist pump again… even if I win the Masters. (Sports quota filled)

After the intro, we head to Thailand to catch up with the love triangle. There’s lots of b-roll footage of dragon flies and flowers. Sean’s family is flown in to waste some time.

Catherine gets the first chance to make a good impression. She wears a shirt that looks like a hammock. They sit at a table to drink water. WATER! This is going to be the longest 3 hours of my life.

Sean’s mom asks Catherine what she has learned since coming on the show. She says, “It’s beyond comprehension at this point”. So, if you’re scoring at home, Catherine can’t answer the question. She can’t process the information. If she has learned something, she doesn’t know it. She can’t comprehend.

As Catherine continues to try and comprehend what’s happening, Sean’s mom pulls her aside. She asks when Catherine first started to develop feelings. Acoustic guitar kicks in just as she starts to say when she realizes she was in love with Sean. It was back when he was dating 8 women.

Sean’s mom is making it clear that she is not enthusiastic about her son proposing to a girl he’s known for 3 months while dating other women. I like Sean’s mom very much.

Sean’s dad is next to grill Catherine. He basically holds a job interview. He stops short of asking her what her weaknesses are in the work place. Then, he makes America cry by telling Catherine he’ll love her if Sean picks her. It’s super heartfelt. Acoustic guitar guy almost breaks his fingers with some serious ‘Dad says heartfelt things’ guitar music.

Catherine tells the camera that she loves Sean’s dad more than her real dad. I’m not making that up.

Sean says goodbye and throws Catherine into a minivan. We’re 15 minutes into a 3-hour show and we’re already done with one family meeting. What the hell are they going to fill with? Is Chris Harrison going to sit in front of a screen and recap the last 4 Bachelor seasons?

Lindsay gets to meet the family next. They act like they didn’t just meet Sean’s other girl that he’s close to proposing to.

They all LOL over Lindsay wearing a wedding dress. It’s super fun. Lindsay says “I never thought, in a million years, that I’d be sitting here with Sean’s family.” I guess she just came on the show to build up her resume.

Sean’s dad pulls Lindsay aside for an interview. He says that his wife and he prayed every day for Sean’s wife, even before they knew who she was going to be. Lindsay cries, Sean’s dad cries, my wife cries and everyone is crying.

Sean’s dad spent a good 11 minutes with Lindsay and he’s completely confident that there is nothing wrong with her and that she’s perfect for his son and that televised love can happen.

Sean’s mom interviews Lindsay next. She smiles, even though she hates this show. They talk and there’s talking.

Lindsay assures Sean’s mom that they can be serious and they talked about the hard things. I saw it. I saw when they talked about the hard things. They had a serious discussion in a hot tub, 10 feet away from Sean’s other 12 girlfriends. They talked about how tough it is to live in a mansion and travel to exotic countries. They’ve been through a lot together.

Lindsay leaves. Sean says “I’m so glad my parents got to meet Lindsay so they could see how in love with me she is.”

Again, the family meetings are over and we still have 2 and-a-half hours of show.

Sean sits down with his mom to see what she thinks of his girlfriends. The music gets storm-cloudy. Sean’s mom starts to cry because she has a brain and doesn’t want him to marry a woman he met on TV while dating 24 other women. ABC thugs stand at the ready with cattle prods, in case she gets out of line with her blasphemy.

They walk in the jungle so she can try and talk him out of this. It doesn’t work.

Things are getting intense. ABC bumps back with their live audience to give us all a breather. Chris Harrison teases that there’s breaking ‘Sean Lowe’ news that just came down in the last 24 hours. They show an audience member turn to her friend and exclaim, with her face, “What could that breaking news be?” She should have texted the word ‘Sean’ to 550550 for all breaking ‘Sean’ news.

I have a feeling that the only way ‘Splash’ got green-lit is because Louie Anderson drowns to death.

Back from commercial break, Lindsay gets the first last date. She says, “I’m so blessed to be here in Thailand with Sean.” Because, that’s what God is worried about, blessing Lindsay.

They ride a boat on the Mekong River. Sean impresses Lindsay by pointing out geographical facts that are surely being fed to his earpiece by Bachelor producers.

She says “Everything just kind of melts away” when she’s with Sean. And, it is because of Sean and not because she’s been on a 3-month vacation in a country most hard working Americans will never get a chance to visit.

Sean says, “A life with Lindsay would be fun and would never be dull.” I wonder if he’ll remember saying that the first time he’s at a birthday party for a 4-year old  and Lindsay is yelling at him for constantly checking his phone and he yells “What do you want me to do?” and she’s like “Pay attention to the party! Pay attention to me” and there are no Thailand boats.

They make fake binocular faces and their boat captain has a look on his face like “These are the two whitest people on Earth”.

Sean tells Lindsay that he can picture her being a hot old chic. Then Lindsay says “I love you. I really, really mean it.” Lindsay should write for Hallmark. She had me teared up when she said “I love you” but, to then throw in the “I really, really mean it,” that’s some big-gun shootin’ there. She’s going for it!

Lindsay continues to butcher English and I can’t type fast enough to keep up.

She says, “I’ve never thought that I’d be this close to something that I’ve always wanted all my life and, to have it right in front of me and it being better than I ever imagined it would be so, it’s overwhelming and exciting and there’s no f’ing way you read this entire quote but that is what she said.” This woman is a scourge. She needs to be stopped.

They get comfy in a suite AND THEY’RE FINALLY DRINKING GIANT GLASSES OF ALCOHOL. They make out while talking. It’s slurpy good. Then, they make with the soft growly talk so America can’t hear.

Lindsay says that she’s nervous to get dumped and Sean tells her not to be nervous, which, I mean, of course!

Lindsay says that Sean’s kisses tell her everything she needs to know. Apparently, she needs to know “Slurp.” Lindsay pulls out a surprise for Sean. It’s a couple of wish lanterns. You write wishes on the paper lanterns and then set them on fire so they float up int….YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BECAUSE THIS IS THE THIRD TIME BACHELOR PRODUCERS HAVE FORCED THEIR CONTESTANTS TO DO THIS!

I hate this show.

Lindsay says “Seeing our wishes float away is so romantic and that’s exactly how I wanted this night to end.” I don’t think she knows what she’s saying.

Catherine’s final date is next. We’re almost to the end. There are only 140 more minutes to go. Catherine gets a final date despite the fact that she’s clearly not going to win the Game Show.

They get to ride an elephant WHICH HAS BEEN DONE ABOUT 8 TIMES ON THE BACHELOR. They’re excited to ride the elephant because, who wouldn’t be? There’s elephant riding. They ride it. Keep up!

Catherine says “We’re riding an elephant in Thailand” and I’m all “I know!” Sean explains the navigation controls of elephants. He knows so much about everything. He’s like Carrie Ann Moss learning to ride a helicopter in the Matrix.

When they’re done riding the elephant… THEY RODE IT!…  they relax in a gazebo to drink giant glasses of alcohol. They talk about real life. The elephants are parked a few feet away and I’m guessing that wine doesn’t taste real good with that smell lingering. You don’t just fan elephant smell away. That’s a stench that cuts deep. They make out to the smell of elephants and ABC goes to commercial and I’ve only got two hours to go!

Elephant riding… they rode them… the elephants… elephant riding is over and Sean and Catherine get cozy in their hotel suite. Catherine tells the camera that she’s ready to make sure Sean knows that she loves him. I yell “It’s about time!” and wake up my wife.

Catherine basically says how much it sucks that she can say she loves Sean but Sean is contractually obligated to not express his feelings. As Marty Pecoraro would say “Great point!”

They make out and slurp but, it’s not as slurpy as when Sean slurps with Lindsay. I wonder if Catherine can taste Lindsay. What if she can taste Lindsay and she likes it?

Sean tells the camera “I never thought I’d be in this situation.” So, to recap , the guy who went on TV to date 25 women never, NEVER, thought that he’d be in a situation where he had to pick between two women. Never. I hate this show.

Before she leaves, Catherine whispers “I love you.” Sean whispers back “Thank you for today.” Boom! Sean is not picking Catherine. You can see it in his face.

ABC even plays fake heartbeat sounds. It’s as if they’re saying “Can you hear it? Can you hear Catherine’s heart breaking?” I heard it, ABC. I heard it. Catherine could tell that Sean doesn’t love her.

Catherine comes back crying. Sean comforts her. She’s sad that Sean can’t say “I love you” back. She says, “I feel like S***.” I do too, Catherine.

Catherine throws herself on a bed to cry. They rode those elephants, by the way.

ABC bumps back with live female studio audience. He invites members of the audience to provide commentary. It’s suddenly talk radio. Art Wander used to do this and that always worked out well. One of the brilliant studio audience members, who clearly have never seen the show before says “It could go either way at this point.” Thanks, home team broadcast!

We’re back from commercial with a solid 45 seconds of shirtless Sean footage. He sits on a deck in a towel and thinks out loud about his girlfriends. They roll out footage we’ve already seen. Sean puts his shirt on to think more (BORING!)

He goes over to the biggest whore, Neil Lane, so he can show America diamonds they’ll never be able to afford. I hate Neil Lane. I would like elephants to trample him. We’re treated to a 5-minute diamond commercial. Neil Lane smiles a lot. Neil Lane takes a hand full of diamonds and pours them into his mouth and eats them. Then, Sean eats some diamonds. A poor person walks by and Neil Lane kicks him over. They both belly laugh as their mouths bleed.

After that, Sean takes his shirt off again to put on another shirt. They show us the process of Sean dressing. It’s important television. They should show this in schools.

Lindsay is next up to get dressed while her voice over explains how in love with Sean she is. They do not show Lindsay with her shirt off. It isn’t fair. Lindsay cries a lot. I’m sure Sean will never get sick of that.

They don’t show much of Catherine getting dressed because she loses and, who cares?

90 minutes to go!

Back from break, Chris Harrison checks in with his live studio audience and asks who they’re pulling for. They cheer more for Catherine than they do for Lindsay, which is a complete one-eighty from the beginning of the show. This show is a whirlwind.

They interview some of Sean’s other girlfriends. It’s cute. The girlfriends are all so happy for the guy who dumped them recently. Sarah with one arm talks and it takes forever. AshLee talks and I zone out because she’s terrible to listen to. How desperate are these women to re-appear on the game show that is responsible for them being dumped in front of millions of people? It’s a pointless segment, but it helps us fill out that 3-hour time slot.

We’re back in Thailand (keep up!) It’s almost over. Sean just has to dump one of his girlfriends that he recently had sex with and then ask the other to marry him.

The loser limo pulls up and LINDSAY GETS OUT! OMG HE DUMPED LINDSAY!

I’m never really correct about these things. I need an analytics department for my Bachelor recap. I’m sure there were some statistics that would have told me Catherine was going to win. Matthew Coller probably knew.

Sean brings Lindsay up on their Thailand alter to dump her. He says nice things about her, before he dumps her. He says that he loves being with her before he dumps her. He has this big long speech about how awesome she is, despite the fact that he’s about to dump her. He dumps her.

He says it’s the toughest thing he’s ever had to do. Watching it is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. Lindsay takes it well. I’m sure it helps that she doesn’t really understand what he’s saying because she doesn’t speak English. They’ll tell her in the limo.

Sean apologizes to Lindsay for dumping her and demands that she know how hard it is to dump her. He’s crying and he probably shouldn’t have dated 25 women. Now, Lindsay is crying and I’m crying and who even cares about those stupid elephants because nothing matters and love doesn’t exist.

Lindsay asks “Was is me?” and Sean says “No” which doesn’t make a ton of sense because it was her. He dumped her. He didn’t dump the other one.

I guess Lindsay shouldn’t have burned those lanterns.

Lindsay knows that being a future Bachelorette is important too, so she leaves in a classy manner to not piss off ABC. She takes off her trillion dollar shoes to walk away into the Thailand sunset. Sean follows behind to apologize again for dumping her. There’s a ton of snot. It’s everywhere. Chris Harrison earns some bank by walking Lindsay to the limo to cry.

Sean walks down a path lit by torches. It’s a metaphor.

Lindsay cries about how she was tricked into thinking that she wouldn’t get dumped on a game show where a man dates 25 women. The music is a cross between Genesis and Chicago. That’s a sappy mix.

When Lindsay is carted away, Chris Harrison walks up to Sean on his Thailand Bachelor alter and says “That was rough!” He then hands Sean an envelope. ABC cuts back to the studio audience because, why just end the show?

On the other side of the break, Sean reads a dramatic letter from Catherine that we all have been led to believe is someone dumping Sean. It is not. That much I was right about. It’s just a love note. It’s stupid. This show is stupid. I hate it.

Sean loves Catherine and asks her to marry her and she says yes and the show ends and there’s still another hour of show. They even show that jerk’s name on the diamond box because there is no good. There’s a ton of talking. It’s that quiet, growly talk.

When they leave, they LEAVE ON AN ELEPHANT!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!1ELEVENTY!!!!11!!!!!

I hope elephants replace helicopters.

Catherine loves her elephant ride and exclaims, “I get this? I get this?” Yeah, right Catherine. In real life, you’re going to get a ton of elephant rides and not ever will you be forced to argue in an Arby’s drive thru about having to go to both families’ houses for Christmas.

I will note, when Chris Harrison escorts Catherine to the Thailand altar and he does not have a good poker face. He hides the ‘You win’ secret like I hide a pair of 8’s.

The studio audience is happy and cheering. I cheer a bunch at home. Some things are set on fire. Chris Harrison brings Sean up to talk about his tremendous journey. ABC producers instruct some audience members to yell “Take your shirt off!” and everyone laughs because it’s hilarious.

Andy Dick is on Dancing with the Stars. That’s like putting dog poo on dog throw-up.

After the commercial break, it’s time for interviews and recapping of stuff we just watched minutes ago. They’re ready to bring out Lindsay to confront Sean for the final time. Chris Harrison asks Sean, for the 1,000th time, if he’s nervous and my wife blurts out “Yes! We already went over this!”

Sean and Lindsay talk and there’s talking. I have my fingers crossed that they’ll make out but, it probably won’t happen. Lindsay looks terrible. The break up wasn’t good to her. She looks kind of orange.

Sean tells Lindsay how awesome she is. The studio audience nods approval. Lindsay asks Sean why he dumped her and he tells her that he prayed to God to tell him who he should dump. So, to recap, God told Sean to dump Lindsay. That should make her feel better.

Lindsay thanks Sean again for dumping her. They have closure. Chris Harrison doesn’t think so because he fires a series of questions, making her re-live the dumping. Chris Harrison is a jerk.

Lindsay then asks again why he dumped her and Sean admits he made up his mind on the final night of the show… because it was God’s idea. They have closure. Chris Harrison asks her to, again, explain how’s she’s feeling about being dumped. Lindsay says that she got through it because she had a lot of faith in the God that chose her to be dumped. God’s kind of a jerk.

Chris Harrison says that everyone has fallen in love with Lindsay. He never asked me.

We go to commercial and there is only 34 minutes left. Everything has already happened so I’m not sure what’s going to happen when we get back from commercial. They’ll probably talk to the audience because I still have a few brain cells remaining.

We come back with more cheering and, for a second, I think we’re at Arrowhead stadium. Chris Harrison brings out Catherine so we can see how cute our favorite Reality TV couple is. They’re super cute, guys.

Chris Harrison asks some hard-hitting questions like, “How much do you love this guy?” Catherine says a bunch of words. Harrison asks Sean “What do you love about her?” and he says “Everything” and the audience cheers. There are more words. So many words. Not even my mother has read down this far.

They show one guy in the studio audience and he’s totally going to pick up the scraps from these ‘Shirtless Sean’ crazy Bachelor fans. This guy is smart. That audience is the place to be for some trim. These women are all melting from ‘Sean’ love.

Chris Harrison says “America has fallen in love with you two” without even really asking us. And, even if America has fallen in love with Catherine and Sean, is that really an impressive feat? America also fell in love with Yahoo Serious for a couple of months.

They replay the proposal that we just saw minutes ago. This show has no content. Sean cries and Catherine cries. Chris Harrison NEVER CRIES. That man is a rock.

Chris Harrison finally reveals the breaking ‘Sean’ news he’s been teasing. He says that Sean and Catherine are going to get married live on ABC and I have to recap it. I sure as hell hope they break up before then. Those weddings are torture. I think the odds are on my side.

The next Bachelorette is Dez. (She’s Dez now) I hate all of you for reading these recaps. I. Hate. You.

Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’. If you missed any of the season recaps, you can re-live the journey here.


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