Every once and awhile, I’m reminded of how bad the Bachelor is. It’s bad every second of every episode, but just ‘punch me in the eye socket’ bad, not ‘shun modern technology and go dig a hole in the woods to live in’ bad. Last night’s episode of the Bachelor was beyond bad. It was ‘boring’ bad. That’s the worst kind of bad. Recapping ‘boring’ is boring. Feel free to skip this recap and read a toothpaste tube or something. I won’t be offended.
Sean Lowe is dating 16 women in an attempt to find his one, true possible 6-month engagement, assuming the right girl agrees to have sex with him in a hotel room in Africa or Venice in the same week that 2 of his other girlfriends have sex with him in a hotel room in the same magical city. It’s a fairy tale. It’s the Bachelor.
This week, the stakes are higher than ever. If any of these girls are sent home this early in the running, they’re almost assured of never coming back for a different season of the Bachelor to pretend like they’re in love. That’s a top-3 girl gig. And, don’t even talk about getting a gig as contestants for other crappy ABC programming. Top-16 finishers don’t dance as stars. You need to get to the final week. Or, have one arm. That one-arm girl is already taking ballroom dancing lessons, if she’s smart.
There will be a pair of unrealistic 1-on-1 dates, and an alcohol-fueled group date. Also, we have been promised, numerous times, that one of the girls is going to get hurt and need an ambulance. It could be this week, America! Keep your fingers crossed. If I don’t see at least one ambulance tonight, I might just fall down the stairs myself.
Every week, we begin with Sean doing something with his shirt off and it’s never long division. This week, its sit-ups and treadmill work. Do they tape a bunch of stock ‘shirt off’ footage in one day, or does this poor camera crew have to trudge up to Sean’s mansion every week to get his Pilates session on film?
Dating 16 women at once is difficult. Sean says, “I find myself really digging a lot of these women and it has blown me away right now”. I kiss my fingers, ball them into a fist, tap my chest twice, point at the T.V. and say, “Dig deep, Sean”.
Lesley gets the first 1-on-1. Bachelor producers thought it would be fun to send them to the Guinness Museum to try and break the World record for longest on-screen kiss. The record is 3 minutes and 16 seconds, which doesn’t seem impressive. That’s not a long time until you consider the amount of slobber that can build up in your mouth. Chris Harrison gathers a crowd to watch this monumental event. The crowd is super into it… for the first 8 seconds. That excitement will cool off soon.
They show the entire 3:16 kiss. It’s not fun. It’s awkward. For the first time in Bachelor history, I feel bad for the people on the Bachelor. I wouldn’t even want to stand that long. Chris Harrison tries to help break the monotony by interviewing bystanders. The questions are hard hitting, like, “Isn’t this crazy?” He should work for Channel 2.
They break the record and a bunch of people riot to celebrate. Lesley says, “Today has been the best day of my life.” Lesley has obviously never been to Sea World. Sean’s Dad is in the Guinness book of records for driving to 47 states in 97 hours and 7 minutes. Please write that down in case it comes up in conversation.
After their Guinness kiss, they head to a roof or something to lie on a couch to drink and make out some more. Lesley tells Sean that she wants what her parents had. Her parents also dated in groups of 20. Sean tells Lesley that they’ve connected quickly and gives her a rose. He likes her. You don’t just throw around words like ‘connect’. Lesley tells the camera that she’s falling in love and that Sean is perfect because they’ve known each other for, about, 6 days. I hope Sean still appears ‘perfect’ the first time they’re late for a friend’s wedding or a doctor appointment and Sean accidentally makes a wrong turn.
Sean tells the camera that he has connected with Lesley on so many levels. Those levels are: 1. Kissing 2. Drunkenness. 3. ?
The group date is next. Sean takes 12 girls to the beach. They play volleyball and Sean takes off his shirt. Kristy is wearing a head band that makes her look like the Karate Kid and that isn’t a compliment. Chris Harrison comes to ruin the fun by orchestrating a volleyball game. They split the girls in half and the losing team has to leave the beach immediately and gets no more time with Sean.
The girls freak out. Less time with Sean is a bad thing. Daniella says, “This is, literally, my worst nightmare”. So, to recap, Daniella’s worst nightmare is losing a beach volleyball game and getting a little less time to share her boyfriend with 11 of his other girlfriends. My worst nightmare is hearing my wife being tortured on the other end of a phone and being helpless to do anything about it. She keeps telling me that she’s okay, but she can’t help screaming out from the unbearable pain and, suddenly the line is silent and I yell out her name but, she doesn’t answer because she’s dead. Then I hear wolves growling. I guess the volleyball thing is terrible too.
The volleyball action is not fun to watch, and that’s just the footage they show. ABC really dropped the ball by not having the one-armed girl in on the volleyball game. I haven’t even seen one-arm girl yet.
The losing team loses. Headband cries. She cries a lot. She cries like she’s watching ‘Beaches’. More girls cry on their bus ride home. The music provided is fitting for a court scene where an innocent person is sentenced to death, not a model having to leave the beach an hour early.
“I am this fun girl who he sees, but he hasn’t seen the romantic, serious side of me.”- a quote from Daniella, tonight’s ‘quote’ machine.
The winning team spends their bonus time with Sean and you can clearly see the advantage gained. Connections are flying around like bats in the Aud. (Sports quote filled) Lindsay/Lindsey/LiNdSee pulls Sean aside to talk about how she wants a best friend and then proceeds to break the Guinness Record for longest on-screen kiss. There is much slurping. I’m glad I don’t watch this show with my parents.
Another girl makes out with Sean. Crazy girl Amanda who didn’t talk last week is talking. She tells Sean, “I have something super serious to talk about”. And, she does. She tells Sean that she’ll be fun if they get married. It’s a great idea to talk about how much fun you’ll be to marry to a guy dating 16 women. The rest of the girls hate Amanda for being creepy. Amanda brags to the other girls about how good she is at talking to Sean.
KCB pulls Sean aside to tell him that Amanda has the wrong intentions. Sean tells KCB to shut up and to not be crazy. KCB messed up. Lesson learned, ladies. Don’t pull aside the guy you’re dating to tell him that one of the other 15 girls he’s dating has the wrong intentions.
Sean gives Lindsay/Lindzee/Lynn-Z (no, the other one) the rose because she’s not crazy. KCB cries to the camera and storms off to cry off-camera.
The next 1-on-1 date goes to Ashley/AshLee/Asthleigh. She says, “Nothing will or can go wrong today”. Then, Tierra falls down a flight of stairs. Sean arrives and asks if she’s okay. FINALLY A FREAKING AMBULANCE ARRIVES. (It’s actually just a fire truck, but I’ll take it.) Bachelor medics come and strap her to a gurney. Tierra tells them that this precaution is stupid and to let her go. The rest of the girls complain that she’s a drama queen, which makes no sense. ABC attorneys rush in to have Tierra sign several forms.
Side note: Why couldn’t we see Tierra fall down the stairs? Did cameras not catch this? They film Sean brushing his teeth, but we’re asleep at the switch when something good happens? It’s an injustice. It’s like NFL Films missing the Immaculate Reception. (Boom)
Sean moves in with some medical advice. He says, “As a guy who has had several concussions…” and it goes on.
Ashley/AshLee/Ashleigh is mad because Tierra’s dramatic stair fall is cutting into her time with Sean. It does. It totally cuts into her time. Sean and Tierra hang out so he can extoll his concussion wisdom on her.
I didn’t know Grey’s Anatomy is still a thing.
With stair-gate over, Sean and Ashley/AsHlie/Ashlie hop in a jeep and drive to Six Flags amusement park which has been shut down just for them. AshLee is excited because she gets to walk around a theme park all day in six-inch heels. Sean announces that they’re sharing their date with two chronically ill kids. AshLEE manages to not complain to the camera about having to share Shawn some more.
Ashley gushes to the camera about how sweet Sean is to do this for the sick kids, because this was totally Sean’s idea and not the idea of a Bachelor producer. The two kids were best friends on-line who have never met and they’re both super cute and I have nothing snarky to say.
There’s definitely less making out going on, thankfully. They ride rides and play games over soft lute music. Sean brings them to a private Eli Young concert. I don’t know who he is but everyone seems happy. I wonder if these private ‘Bachelor’ concerts count towards the attendance records for the tours of these bands.
After the fun, Sean and Ashley retreat to a couch to talk about their fun day, drink and talk about Ashley’s abusive guardians. Sean says, “I can feel the love coming from your heart as you speak” and, honestly, it comes through my T.V. as well. I had the speakers turned up pretty high. Ashley/AshLee/Ashleigh talks about the loving, adoptive father who found her and Sean cries and gives her a rose and this episode isn’t exactly conforming to my template of Bachelor Recaps here. It’s emotional. Ashley/ashLEE/AsheLEIGH does tell the camera she’s in love with Sean and that’s a bit much but, whatever. ABC closes the scene with a shot of the moon and I seriously can’t believe we almost made it through week 3 without a moon shot.
During the break, there’s a grilled cheese commercial and I now know that humans will never be able to telekinetically make grilled cheese sandwiches appear because I almost had a stroke trying to make it happen. Also, my wife thinks the City Mattress guy’s head is too small for his body.
The cocktail party is next. Sean and his 16 girlfriends drink and further build their connections. Sean tells the girls that his heart is still wide open.
Sarah, the girl with one arm, hasn’t been on camera all night so Sean pulls her aside to bring her a dog. It’s her dog. I guess Sarah had a dog and missed him. It’s adorable. This episode has sucked away my will to live. He’s dating 16 girls.
Tierra brings the drama by butting in on everyone’s time with Sean and hogging Sean. The rest of the girls sit on couches to complain. Tierra is fully recovered from her fall down the stairs. Someone interrupts Tierra’s time and she says something about punching something. Then, there’s more stealing and dramatic music and complaining. I hate this show.
It’s absolutely ridiculous that anyone would see any value, integrity or sincerity in this program. It is garbage.
The Rose Ceremony is next. Sean dumps a bunch of his girlfriends, but not before pulling KCB out of the room to dump her privately. He says they’re friends. I always pull my friends aside to dump them and push them into a limo. KCB handles it well. She cries in the limo. Then, he dumps other girls. One of them was the headband girl. I think she’s a model. I hope she’s a headband model.
In the preview of next week, a black girl asks Sean is he wants a taste of chocolate, so, at least next week should be awesome.
Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ which you haven’t read yet.