You need energy in order to hate something. Because there is only a certain amount of energy in the entire universe, there is only so much hate possible. One cannot hate beyond the physical limits of science. It’s depressing because I want to imagine that my hate for ‘The Bachelorette – The Men Tell All’ is infinite. I am not comfortable putting limits on my hate for this show. In a perfect world, my hate would resonate through every living thing, soaring through space to touch other galaxies. I want deep thinkers on distant planets to tap into my hate and write Haiku’s about it. Carl Carlton wanted an everlasting love. I’d like an everlasting hate that grows and blooms.
I can’t have it.
Andi Dorfman has narrowed down her quest for singular courtship down to two people. It’s romantic. That all has to wait until next week because the ‘Men Tell All’ tonight. It’s ‘The Men Tell All’ episode. I hate it so much.
Speaking of hate, Chris Harrison welcomes Ashley H. out to begin the show. She’s the worst thing that has ever happened. Ashley H. is with her husband, J.P. He made his own decisions. Ashley H. is ridiculously pregnant. Because ABC is a desert of creative thought, they need material for their 2-hour ‘Men Tell All’ episode. For a super, neat, fun idea, Ashley H. is getting a live ultrasound to determine the sex of her baby. It’s not actually live because this show is taped, but it’s live.
First, J.P. and Ashley H. talk about their happiness. Keep up. There’s a ton of talking and smiling. Everyone is smiling. Are you guys smiling? I was totally smiling. They talk more. So much talking… and smiling.
Next comes the live ultrasound. Chris Harrison says, “Trust me, you’re not going to want to miss this.” I would never trust you, Chris Harrison. I am excited about the ultrasound because I’m not totally convinced we won’t see a demon spawn inside of Ashley H’s womb. She is, after all, the most annoying woman ever to breathe oxygen. I spend a little part of each day hating her.
A Bachelorette medic comes out to hook up Ashley’s stomach to a picture machine. There’s soft, ‘baby gender’ piano music. There’s a fetus on display in their California studio. We find out that Ashley H. is having a boy. The audience cheers like their on the stadium big screen at a World Cup game. Sports quota… whatever. This was the longest 20 minutes of my life, which, by the way, I hate.
After the thrilling live ultrasound, ABC plugs their piece of crap ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ show that I’m not going to recap because none of you sent me five dollars. Claire is on ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. So, her dad will be watching. He can recap it. It’s so sad that I recognize every single contestant in the line-up and my wife doesn’t. The show begins August 4th, unless everyone on the Earth dies before that.
After the sleezeview (Get it? Instead of preview???!!! You guys are jerks) Chris Harrison brings out the men from this season of the Bachelorette. They’re all wearing scarves. It has to be a joke, right. It’s a joke. They’re wearing scarves as a total goof. They’re all so goofy! They’re goofing. You guys, I totally LOL’d a ton-wad.
The guys talk about how great the girl who dumped them is. They all still love Andi because they’re contractually obligated to do so. On the video screen, we re-live the drama that has happened so far. There’s a ton of it. There may be limits to the hate possible in this universe, but ‘The Bachelorette’ breaks the laws of physics when it comes to drama. We are forced to watch a bunch of stuff we’ve already seen.
Chris Harrison brings up the sensitive race thing that happened when Andrew called Marquel a “Blackie”. Marquel says diplomatic nice things and the audience claps. Andrew screws up by agreeing that Ron handled things well. Ron is the other black guy. So, Andrew, the guy who is being accused of being a racist, accidentally calls one black guy by another black guy’s name. That doesn’t score well with the judges.
ABC shows video of Andrew saying racist things. There’s no audio, so it’s really a bunch of crap. The group continues to talk about the crap. It’s super sensitive and controversial. JJ the pants guy joins in and attacks Andrew’s character. Chris the farmer comes to Andrew’s defense, which is a lot like having Superman on your side. Chris the famer is super popular with the ladies. They want him to plow their proverbial fields, I think. I don’t know. I’m bored. On TV, guys are still talking about controversy. Keep up!
There’s a bunch more talking. These men are telling all. I really just hate this so much. Every time someone speaks, the crowd applauds uproariously. Marquel has a big chocolate chip cookie button on his jacket. I can’t take anything seriously. I should have, in hindsight, given out Fantasy Points for having cookie buttons.
When racegate is over, it’s not over. Chris Harrison tries to move on, but JJ interrupts to defend himself for telling everyone that Andrew is a racist. He cries while talking, so JJ gets 5 points.
After that, Marquel joins Chris Harrison on the hot seat. I had no idea Marquel was such a central figure in the season. He’s forgettable and has no game. Andi was dying to smoochify every guy on the show and Marquel couldn’t seal the deal. That’s like striking out in tee ball.
Chris Harrison asks Marquel why he didn’t kiss Andi. It’s a good question. Chris Harrison did something! This entire interview is basically a slutty plug for their summer show. Marquel will bring no game to a gropefest. It’ll be like bringing a knife to a gun fight. Do you get invited to gun fights? How much warning is there? Should I always just be carrying a gun in case I’m invited to a gun fight? Is bringing nothing better than bringing a knife? I’d rather have a knife than nothing. At least I could throw the knife. Are you still reading this? Marquel just gave a bunch of cookies to the cat owners in the studio audience.
Marcus is next on the hot seat. The hot seat is considerably less hot because Marquel didn’t bring a whole lot of controversy to the table. It was a cold, cookie-scented seat.
We watch Marcus’ tearful journey on the show. He got dumped by Andi and cried a lot about it. It was emotional. There were emotions. Admit it, you guys, you felt the feels.
Marcus talks about his journey. More feels. As he talks, they pan across the audience to show the emotional, heartfelt approval of female audience members. These ladies totally love Marcus. They clap super loud for him. Chris Harrison asks Marcus is he thinks he can find love in paradise. We get to plug their horsecrap promotion for a horsecrap franchise. This show has no rules. It also sucks and I hate it. My computer wants me to change ‘horsecrap’ to ‘horse rap’. Yes, computer, there’s no such thing as ‘horsecrap’, but there are definitely a ton of ‘horse raps’. Horses across the country are spittin’ mad tales.
Chris the farmer is next on the hot seat. Maybe he knows about horse raps. If you thought the audience clapped and roared for Marcus, you’re right. They did. They clapped louder for Chris the farmer, though. He’s a super dreamy farmer. We re-live his journey to make sure that there is no original content. Chris took his dumping like a farmer, I think. I’m not sure how farmers naturally handle rejection. What happened during the Dust Bowl? Did people take it well? Read a book!
After a gut-wrenching recap, Chris Harrison asks, “So, what happened?” It’s not a good question. The old Chris Harrison is back. Chris the farmer wishes he had more time with Andi. See, I wish I had less.
At some point while talking about the hometown date, Chris Harrison tells Chris the farmer, “America fell in love with your mom.” I would have punched him. America did, though. You can tell by the way the audience claps. Did you guys love Chris the farmer’s mom?
While Chris the farmer is rambling about his future, one of the cat owners in the studio audience raises her hand because she has a question for Chris the farmer. It’s a staged event portrayed as spontaneous television. It’s completely fake and I hate it. My capacity for hate grows. The girl comes down to talk with Chris the farmer on the hot seat. The fake audience member asks Chris the farmer if he thinks he’ll find love. Chris Harrison already asked Chris the farmer that. This girl should have done her homework. She’s a terrible journalist.
During the commercial, the fake audience member and Chris the farmer have a speed date. They show us footage after the break. There’s talking. The fake girl gives Chris the farmer her phone number. It’s super fun. Were you guys having fun? I had fun thinking about ways in which I can die. I’ll bet, if I crammed an entire bag of grapes into my mouth, I’d die.
Next, Andi comes out. It’s super loud because of the cheering. The 249 women and one guy in the audience all love Andi Dorfman. She’s America sweetheart who dates multiple men and then dumps them, one by one.
Andi is asked by Chris the farmer why she dumped him. She admits that Iowa was a factor. She didn’t love him. Marcus asks why he was dumped. Andi didn’t love him. Cody asks why he got dumped. Andi didn’t love him. It’s like she didn’t love any of these guys.
Marquel asks why he got caught in the friend zone. It’s the kind of thing you ask a woman when you’re repeatedly placed into the friend zone. I like Marquel because he makes me feel like I almost might have a sliver of game. Do kids still say “game”? You guys never answer my questions.
For more crap, Chris Harrison introduces Chris the stalker guy who tried to crash the show in the studio audience. There’s this awkward moment where psycho Chris (not to be confused with Chris the farmer or Chris Harrison) stands up to come down to the stage but is told that he can’t. Chris the psycho just stands and waves. He’s going to be on ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. It’s more promotion for the show I’m not recapping. I cannot recap it. It’s too terrible. Why do you even want me to recap it? You’re not even reading this.
Chris Harrison drops the bomb on the show by revealing that Andi is pregnant. Andi laughs because she’s not pregnant. I guess the tabloids reported that Andi is pregnant. I can’t imagine being in a place in my life where magazines reported whether or not I was pregnant.
When the super goofy pregnant goof is over, Chris Harrison brings out the results of the lie detector test that Andi refused to reveal during the season. I’m just gonna keep typing because no one is reading this. Marcus lied about sleeping with less than 20 women. Dylan lied about liking brunettes and being ready for marriage. Josh, who is still eligible to win the show, lied about stuff but it’s not revealed because this show has a lot of honor and integrity. Remember to tune in August 4th for their soft-core pornography-fest!!!!!!
When that’s done, BLOOPERS!!!!! We see fun bloopers from the season and I lose a kidney from laughing really hard. Coach Brian is totally afraid of pickles, y’all.
The last ten minutes are spent previewing the finale and the show I won’t watch under threat of death… even though they brought back that woman with one arm.
The ‘Men Tell All’ episode is over. I exceeded my own personal record for hate. If I had known, going in, that ABC would give the woman I hate the most a live ultrasound, I would have faked my own death and secretly moved to Punta Mita in Mexico. I saw an episode of House Hunters International in Punta Mita. You can get a 2 bedroom home for, like, 100 bucks. Of course, drug wars, but whatever! 100 bucks!!!
There were only 5 points handed out tonight. JJ got 5 points for crying. Always cry, kids. It pays the bills. Here are the updated standings. The winner is still up in the air.
Next week we’ll watch the finale. Josh the baseball player and Nick V. will fight to the death for Andi’s heart. There will be so much crying and slurping. It’ll be a good idea to have lots of napkins on hand for both.
The final tease of the night shows us Chris Harrison handing Andi a note from one of her two finalists. She just takes the note, looks sad, and stares at it. If that doesn’t make you want to watch….