We’re halfway through the season of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. I think. I’m not sure. This could be the last episode. This could be like a shark attack where you’re swimming one moment and dead the next. Or, it could be like a shark attack… where… there’s a bunch of suffering, infection and pain.
Twelve people remain in the Mexican island bungalow of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. The object of the show is not known. There are couples and couples who aren’t really couples. There are raccoons, sea turtle dads, drama, booze, ocean sex and abs… in that order. Keep up.
Michelle Money begins the week by complain that her boyfriend is in love with her. You know, typical girl stuff. Michelle Money is stressed out by Cody’s love. Who wouldn’t be? Would you guys be? Answer me!
Michelle Money tries to put the brakes on. He takes it hard because he’s a giant man with big arms who moves fast. Cody says, “I’m 100% committed to Michelle.” So, there’s no part of Cody who isn’t committed to Michelle. Not even his 4th left rib.
Marcus gets a date card and, of course he’s taking Lacy!!! They’re totally in love. ABC gives them a jeep. They drive it. ABC shows us a bunch of lizards. We watch them. Did you guys see the lizards? Can you tell I’m completely half-assing this recap because it’s midnight, I just got back from a party and I don’t care?
Marcus and Lacy climb down a cave because that’s the only thing anyone every does on this stupid show. Lacy describes the cave and its super funny because she doesn’t know what stalagmites are. We all laugh at home, even though we don’t know what stalagmites are either. They look at fish and rocks and I can’t believe ‘Happy Days’ got canceled but this show continues to air. There are bats. Everyone freaks out over the bats. ABC plays ‘Freak Out’ music to help us freak out. Admit it, guys. You totally freaked out!
Marcus protects Lacy from the bats and tells the camera that protecting Lacy from the bats makes him fall more in love with her. I know, whenever my marriage hits a lull, I unleash hundreds of bats and protect my wife from them. Afterwards, I love her a ton more.
Lacy hasn’t yet told Marcus that she loves him. It’s a huge deal. It’s dramatic. I can’t believe she hasn’t told Marcus she loves him yet. They sit on a hammock or something and talk about their relationship. Lacy finally tells him. We watch it. ABC shows us birds and stuff. I hate this show. Lacy and Marcus love each other and their love shows and grows. It glows. It won’t close. How far will their love go? No one knows. Not even John Turturros.
Michelle Money continues to complain about Cody smothering her. While she complains to Jesse, ABC shows us footage of Cody lifting giant rocks and stuff. It really helps with the context. I understand everything. Michelle Money is going to dump Cody.
Brooks enters STD island. Brooks is super quirky. He was on Desiree’s season. She’s Dez now. Sarah and her 1.75 arms loves Brooks. She’s freaking out because she’s happy with Robert, but attracted to Brooks. She hooked on Brooks. She’s giving Brooks looks. Brooks like Sarah and Robert tells him not to ask Sarah out. Robert doesn’t want Brooks to be a Sarah crook. I’d be worried about how terrible this recap is if anyone was reading it.
Robert tells Brooks that he’ll kill him if he asks Sarah out. Brooks asks out Jackie. Jackie and Brooks are going on a date! That’s awesome!!! We get to watch Jackie and Brooks date! I’m so excited, I feel alive for the first time! Sorry about all of the exclamation points.
Jackie dresses like Andromeda. Google it. Brooks and Jackie eat on TV somewhere. I’d describe it, but it’s beyond words. Brooks and Jackie really like each other. We see it. You can see the like in their eyes. I think Jackie and Brooks are healing the wounds of the nation with their romance and cuteness. I’m not even thinking about my crippling depression as they sip wine and chat about foosball. We watch foosball. It’s super intense. Sports quota filled. The winner of the foosball game gets kissed. It’s how all sports contests should be played. Jackie wins the game. Big league scouts are watching and they recruit her to play for their team, I’ll bet. ABC didn’t show that part.
Zack is bummed out by Jackie’s fun date because he likes Jackie. He’s irritated. He put his stake in Jackie and that stake has been ripped out by Brooks. Zack goes off to sit on a rock by himself. When the hell is this show going to end?
Back at the bungalow, Brooks and Sarah hang out on a couch and rekindle their passion. Brooks is charming Sarah just four seconds after foosballing with Jackie. This guy is all over the place.
Sarah runs out to dump Robert. She finds a love not from Robert tell her to meet him on the beach. Robert has bad timing. Sarah is a girl who was desperate for anyone one week ago. Now she has to choose between two super dreamy guys. Poor Sarah.
While Robert tells Sarah how much he likes her, she says, “I’m not really good at this sort of thing” as she attempts to dump him. Sarah chickens out and doesn’t dump Robert because he wants to date her in LA when their done on sin island. Sarah has now decided that she’s completely in love with the guy she ran out to dump. This show is cray.
Michelle Money has a heart-to-heart with Cody. While she’s telling him to slow down, he tells her that he wants her to meet his family. This guy isn’t good at picking up on signals. Michelle Money says that she loves his honesty and is interested in seeing where their relationship goes. She tells Cody that she adores him. This comes 14 seconds after she came to the conclusion that she was going to break up with him. This show is cray. It has no rules.
Before the commercial, ABC gives us a website to visit if we’re interested in dating America’s sexiest farmer, Chris the farmer. Finally!
Kristy and Jesse make out. Kristy really likes Jesse and thinks he’s a good guy. Jesse is drunk and kind of likes to hook up with a ton of different gorgeous women on their sexual island. What a jerk!!
Michelle Money tells Kristy that Jesse is fooling around with a bunch of women. Kristy sees the light and is super pissed. She calls Jesse the ‘DB’ word. ABC doesn’t bleep it, so you know it’s true. ABC also shows us more lizards. I’m so tired.
Kristy is upset about the Jesse news and thinks about leaving. She’s not sure whether or not to leave the island so she says, “I’m going to leave it in God’s hands.” It’s a good thing that God hasn’t nothing else to do so he can help Kristy with her love life.
Tazos answers Kristy’s prayer. Tazos is from Andi’s season. Stop it!! Tazos arrives on the island with a date card and moves in on Michelle Money. Cody is mad. You can tell he’s mad in the way that his chest and arms get even bigger. He’s like one of those blowfish.
Tazos is wearing a long sleeve shirt and pants. Apparently, he isn’t affected by the sun. Tazos moves in on Kristy. Michelle Money approves. She says, “If I were Kristy, I’d be tearing the ‘Zos’ out of that Tazos!” She does. She tears the ‘Zos’ out of Tazos by going out on a date with him. Jesse is mad. Stop reading my recaps. I refuse to check any of the spelling and grammar. Deal with it.
Tazos and Kristy take a boat ride in a lagoon or something. ABC shows us Clare’s dad, the sea turtle. They jump in the river-type thing despite alligator and snake-related dangers. We watch them float. They keep floating. It happens. Kristy and Tazos agree about something and hi-five. Can we all stop hi-fiving? Just stop it. They eat grapes. The date keeps happening.
Tazos wants to kiss Kristy, so he naturally does the right thing by asking her first and making it super awkward for everyone watching. Kristy really likes Tazos. They’re in love, you guys! This show does work.
Back at the bungalow, the sexual rompers all play football and corn hole. ABC makes a point of showing Sarah play sports and talk about how she has the worst arm ever. Grow up, ABC.
Zack gets a date card and gives it to Jackie. She accepts it. It’s accepty. AShLeE is mad because she didn’t get the date card and she’s also insane. AsHlEE is a terrible person because she wants all of the date cards. When she doesn’t get date cards, she pouts and complains and we are forced to watch it happen. It must be tough to be stuck in an island paradise and have your every need cared for and NOT get a date card. I’m not sure how she deals. I couldn’t deal. Could you guys deal? You couldn’t. Admit it. You guys are jerks.
Zack and Jackie go down to a fucking cave. All Mexico is is caves and river and turtles and sex. I can’t wait to go there. It’s dark, but Jackie and Zack are able to deal with their cave date. They’re super resilient. This is the same as the first date this week. Zack and Jackie find a table with alcohol and food lit by candles. Zack draws a parallel to his relationship with Jackie saying, “I’m beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel.” Zack is pretty deep.
Zack woos Jackie to win her back from Brooks. It’s wooey. Jackie and Zack make out in their cave. It’s slurpy good. It’s such a passionate make out session that I can’t tell where Jackie begins and Zack ends. It’s like they’re Zackie.
Jackie likes Zack. She also likes Brooks. Poor Jackie. I have no idea what she’ll do. If I were Jackie, I’d just jump into a volcano.
The Rose Ceremony is approaching. There are eight guys and six girls, with the girls holding the roses and the power. Everyone is mad at Jesse because he came to the island paradise to have fun. What a dick!
Chris Harrison enters to discuss the stakes. He asks everyone if they’re getting nervous about being sent him. Someone says something about something. I’m not sure. At no point does Chris Harrison explain what the point of this show is. We may never know. Perhaps the show will never end. I hope I’m 90 and still recapping ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. Fingers crossed.
People talk and there’s talking. Graham has aShlee. Michelle Money has Cody. Marcus loves Lacy and Lacy loves Marcus. Kristy and Tazos are totally crushing on each other. It’s crushy. Sarah has Robert but also likes Brooks. Jackie has Zach but also likes Brooks. Brooks paints Jackie’s nails. We watch is happen. You read about us watching it. It’s third-hand nail painting. How do you live with yourself?
That leaves Jesse without any prospects. He pulls Kristy aside to try and seduce her. He says, “Let’s have a good time.” That line would work on me. Kristy has a tattoo behind her ear. That must have been painful but at least for the rest of her life, she has a tattoo behind her ear. Jesse tells Kristy that he’s leaving in order to convince her to give him a rose. She’s pretty stupid, so it’s not that dumb of a move.
Kristy doesn’t fall for it. I scream out, “You go, Kristy!” Everyone hates Jesse. Jesse leaves. He promises to stay in touch with everyone. I hope he keeps his promise. This show is pointless.
Jesse disrespects Kristy with his words. It’s disrespectful. We watch it. The girls get mad and agree to say mean words to him. The women are all doing that thing where they point and shake their head when they talk, so you know it’s serious. Kristy tells Jesse… I don’t know. There’s talking. What do you want from me? It’s stupid. ABC plays deadly serious music as Kristy stumbles through her speech. It’s speechy. Kristy isn’t big with the word making. Lacy helps out by also yelling at Jesse. Now, it’s on. This all continues for 11 minutes. I hate every one of the 11 minutes.
The rose ceremony is next. The only drama is whether or not Jackie is going to choose Brooks or Zack. I watch while standing up because I can’t take the stress. Chris Harrison arrives again to extend his regards to everyone, hoping they find love. He fails again to tell us when this show will end, how it will end and what the point of this all is. I’m sure we’ll find out eventually.
Jackie chooses Zack. Poor Brooks. He had a good run. I guess next week is the pointless finale. Tune in for that.