This season of the Bachelorette is a lot like a fight between two trolls on an internet message board; no one is watching and no one cares who wins. Dez (she’s Dez now) has dumped a bunch of her boyfriends (well, one dumped her) in an attempt to find one, true 6-month love. Her journey has taken her from California, to New Jersey, to Germany to Spain… or something. Actually it’s OUR journey. We’re all on this ride together, unless you’re not watching or reading about this journey. My numbers indicate you’re smart and staying away. It’s time for tears and drama. It’s the Bachelorette.
With content at a premium, ABC begins tonight’s episode with 2 minutes of preview footage. If the teasers are accurate, Dez will fall in love 7 times tonight and have her heart broken 4 times. It’s an action packed episode. They are in Spain… or something so, anything goes. This show has no rules.
Dez says that Barcelona is the perfect place to fall in love. I wish they’d go to Compton so we could hear how Compton is the perfect place to fall in love. She says, “I love everything about this place, the buildings, the … churches”. Dez, churches are buildings. You don’t love everything. You love two things about Barcelona and they’re the same thing. Do you also love lamp?
The guys are back to hating James because he has his sights set on being the next Bachelor, not on Dez. It’s a crime. Chris Harrison welcomes them by saying ‘Welcome’ in Spanish. Es muy mal. Harrison immediately warns everyone that THERE WILL NOT BE A COCKTAIL PARTY THIS WEEK. What the hell happened to this show? It used to be fueled by alcohol. They keep skipping the cocktail parties. Es muy mal. There will be a pair of 1-on-1 dates and a group date. No cocktail parties!
Drew is excited about his 1-on-1 date. He says, “It’s the best feeling in the world”. Apparently, Drew has never had sex or cleaned out his ear with a Q-tip.
They begin their date by making out. Then, they drink from a fountain that magically brings you back to Spain. Then, they eat on TV so Drew can tell Dez about his father, who is a recovered alcoholic. It’s an inspiring story about a man who conquered his problems. Drew cries while talking. Soft piano guy hits his stride. We’re Bachelorettific. Then, Drew says his Dad has cancer. Soft piano guy is joined by soft lute guy. They slow jam. After hearing about how Drew’s Dad has cancer, Dez says, “I really enjoyed hearing about his Dad”.
Dez and Drew walk around Spain to make out and ‘White People’ dance. ABC interns set up a romantic table with lanterns to set the scene for more emotional conversation. Drew drags Dez into an alley to make out more. It’s romantic. It’s romantic because they’re frantically followed by two camera guys, a boom mic guy, a light guy and six ‘lantern’ interns. They hang out in this alley and Dez gives Drew a rose. I don’t know where she got it from. She must have stashed the rose ‘prison’ style.
Because he’s safe, Drew reveals the ugly truth about James and how he is here for the wrong reasons. Dez thanks Drew for telling her about her other boyfriend’s misdeeds. Then, she makes out some more with Drew, one of her 8 boyfriends. If you’re keeping score at home, dating 8 guys is ‘right’ and talking about being the Bachelor on a show populated by people desperate for attention is ‘wrong’.
The group date is next. Juan Pablo is a part of the group and hasn’t had a 1-on-1 date yet. He’s super bummed. Juan Pablo reveals that he has a daughter at home. I guess it’s possible that he told everyone before but, I can never understand what Juan Pablo is saying.
The guys roll up to a soccer stadium in a minivan. We’ve shifted gears to ‘Sportsy’. They all run along singing the ‘Ole’ song. It’s painful. Sportsy quota filled.
The guys have to play a professional girls soccer team in soccer. Juan Pablo plays soccer so he’s good at soccer. It’s a huge advantage because the goal of this show is to find a husband… by beating your boyfriends in soccer. I know, I know. What follows next is 10 minutes of Bachelorette soccer. It’s worse than you’re imagining. The important thing is that Dez is learning a lot about the men she intends to marry by playing soccer. Juan Pablo kicks a ball and then high-fives Dez. You know you’ve won a girl’s heart when she high-fives you. If I had known they were going to play soccer, I would have drafted up Bachelorette Soccer Fantasy teams.
There is kicking and goals. Everyone has jerseys with their names on them. The ‘lantern’ interns also do jersey screening. James is the men’s goalie and it doesn’t even look like he’s trying. He’s not trying. The girls score 10 goals on James. He’s there for the wrong reasons. The guys are all, “James isn’t into anything. He’s not into the soccer game. He’s not into Dez.” James’ terrible goaltending is the reason the guys lose to the girls. I’m a little steamed because I bet twelve-hundred dollars on the guys. I might lose my thumbs.
When the soccer match is mercifully over, the group gets together to drink. They take turns making out with Dez. One of the guys says, “It’s time to KICK it with Dez”. It’s a soccer pun. I run around my living room because I have trouble containing how clever and hilarious this show is.
Dez pulls Chris onto a couch. She reads Chris a poem. It rhymes. They make out. Es muy mal. Six minutes later, Brooks has Dez on a couch in a different room. They chat and make out. Keep up!
Kasey the Hashtag guy pulls James aside to confront him about his terribleness. Drew helps him. I take a handful of Tums in anticipation of the tension. The drama on the Bachelorette is giving me an ulcer. The music used for this confrontation scene is the kind of music they play in a movie when someone is defusing a bomb.
Background: The guys overheard James talking to Mikey about how they should hang out on Mikey’s boat with girls in Chicago and how James could be the next Bachelor. Boom.
Kasey says that James’ behavior is a slap in the face to the other guys all dating the same girl on television. James defends himself by saying that he’s been on a 1-on-1 date with Dez, so he must be here for the right reasons. It makes a ton of sense. They shout back and forth about stuff and interrupt each other. There’s pointing.
James says, “Hey Mikey, you got a boat? Let’s hang out in Chicago and be cool!” I’m having trouble following the conversation. The other guys yell at him. James says that it’s not bad to want to be the Bachelor.
James wins the argument in the end by saying, “**** you, **** you, and **** you!” It’s a trump card.
Dez confronts James about his Hollywood aspirations. Dez swears a bunch. It’s dramatic. She says, “He doesn’t deserve another day in Spain”. James tries to defend himself by throwing his friend Mikey under the bus. He says that Mikey didn’t have a connection with Dez because he spent 11 less minutes with her. None of this explains why James wasn’t trying to play goalie!
James starts to cry. James’ crying is the most pathetic moment in Bachelorette history. Dez cries over James crying. Everyone is crying. The ‘lantern’ interns are crying, probably.
James tries to convince Dez to keep him around for the Rose Ceremony. She says that she needs a minute. She walks away for 18 seconds. She walks back and says she’ll sleep on it. So she does. She sleeps on it. I’m glad she can sleep because I won’t. This show is intense.
James gloats to the camera about changing Dez’s mind. James vows to win the show to stick it to the guys who have stabbed him in the back. Notice how he vows to win the show and not Dez. He’s here for the wrong reasons. He’s certainly not here to play goalie! James cries some more on his minivan ride back to the hotel. He cries more in the hotel elevator.
As he walks through the door, showing the guys that he’s still around, the music hits a crippling crescendo. James’ big entrance is him stopping in the doorway and saying, “Gentlemen, good night”.
This whole James thing has taken 40 minutes. I hate this show.
Shirtless guy Zak has the next 1-on-1 date. Chris, a man who has stated how he’s in love with Dez, wishes Zak good luck on the date. It makes sense to wish a guy good luck when he takes the woman you love on a date. Why would you wish them bad luck?
ABC tells us that Zak is a Drilling Fluids Engineer. I looked it up on Google. Drilling Fluids Engineers are also known as Mud Engineers and they make $100,000 a year. Zak doesn’t have to sleep in the living room.
Zak and Dez draw pictures of Spain and art. I miss the James drama. ABC brings out a male model for Dez and Zak to draw. Then, they draw each other. It’s so hot, I punch myself in the groin to calm down. Zak’s picture of Dez is terrible, but we all totally LOL forever because of how goofy life is. I … I’m sorry. I’m still laughing over that goofy picture of Dez. You totally had to be there. It was super goofy.
Another male model comes out and takes his clothes off. Calamity! They draw the naked guy so Dez can figure out if she’s going to marry Zak. Zak takes his clothes off and they make out in Art class. Zak has abs, and he’s goofy. He’s totes a 10-out-of-10!
When the art is done, they… sorry… laughing again over the goofy picture. When the art is done, they go to a cave to eat on TV. The ‘lantern’ interns work overtime this episode. Is Barcelona the city of lanterns?
Dez asks Zak about his life and they talk. There’s a ton of talking. It’s good to get a break from the drama and the goofiness. My heart was ready to explode. You have no idea. Dez and Zak make out. I turn my TV up full blast and the slurping scares my dog. Dez gives Zak a rose because you can grate cheese on his stomach. Zak tells Dez that she means everything to him. You guys, he’s totally here for the right reasons.
Back at the hotel, James pulls Drew aside to talk. Keep up! They talk about being here for the right reasons. That’s all anyone ever talks about on this show. Drew tells James that his future is 100% about being with Dez. I wonder how he’s going to use the bathroom. James yells at Drew. Drew yells back. James yells at Drew to stop yelling. There’s more yelling. They keep yelling. My neighbors must think that my wife and I fight every Monday night. I’d explain myself to them but, I don’t want them to know that I watch the Bachelorette.
There’s a half-hour of show left and no cocktail party. All of the dates are over and there’s nothing left to do. This is going to be the longest half-hour of my life. Es muy mal.
Dez drops a bomb by showing up at the guys’ hotel room. She’s there to dump James. She’s there for the right reasons. ABC puts a Twitter question out to their audience. It says, “Should Dez dump James?” Anyone who tweeted ‘No’ is totally here for the wrong reasons.
Dez and James go outside to sit on some steps to talk. There is so much talking. Dez is about to dump him but, James changes her mind. ABC is obviously worried about Dez finding a husband because they immediately pull her aside and show her the footage of James being there for the wrong reasons. Oh, wait. They don’t do that. They make her play soccer.
After 15 minutes of bull crap, Dez keeps James around. Boom. I’d say that she’s Dez now but, I don’t know who she is anymore.
James once again walks back into the hotel room to gloat about being able to stay. The rest of Dez’s boyfriends have looks on their faces like people at a Wake trying to think of things to say to the widow.
Chris asks James, “What did you guys talk about?” It’s hilarious. I think they talked about the thing you’ve all been talking about for 3 weeks, Chris. Write another poem!
There is more yelling. Despite the last two weeks of controversy, James still thinks it’s alright to want to be the next Bachelor. He’s not here for the right reasons. He’s a terrible soccer goalie. You have no idea. Es muy mal!
Before the Rose Ceremony, Dez looks at pictures of her boyfriends to help her decide which ones to dump. Three guys will go home and wait by the phone to see if they become the next Bachelor.
Dez says that this is the hardest decision she’s ever had to make. Just wait until next week, Dez. You have no idea. There is dramatic music. America holds its breath while waiting to see who is getting the final rose. Chris Harrison, who left the room 4 seconds ago, comes back to tell everyone that the rose they’re looking at is the final rose. Chris Harrison is as useful as T-Rex arms.
Michael, the lawyer guy my wife hates, gets the final rose. After all of that, Dez dumped James. She also dumped Hashtag Kasey and Juan Pablo and Juan Pablo’s daughter who no one knew existed. Juan Pablo is sad and cries about being dumped. I’m sure he will recover from this vicious blow by having sex with 18 women at the same time. Did you know, when your name is Juan Pablo, you don’t even have to talk to women? They’ll just have sex with you. It’s true.
James complains to the camera that he got jobbed. Try stopping a soccer ball, hypocrite.
Dez tells the rest of her boyfriends that they’re going to Portugal. In 5th grade, we had to do a report on South American countries and I did my report on Portugal. I got a ‘B’. It’s not until later in life that you learn that teachers drink a lot.
In the preview of the rest of the season, Dez has her heart broken. There are buckets of tears. Some of it happens in Portugal. They show Drew confessing something to Dez. My wife thinks that Drew might be gay. I hope people on message boards will call it ‘Drew gay-gate’.
Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ and once got a ‘B’ writing about Portugal for a project on South American Countries.