You guys have spent the whole day walking around without even realizing that the world was going to end tonight. It’s hometown date week. Rachel Lindsay visits the hometowns of…

You guys have spent the whole day walking around without even realizing that the world was going to end tonight. It’s hometown date week. Rachel Lindsay visits the hometowns of her four boyfriends and meets their families. The preview footage makes it clear that, at one point, the earth explodes. There’s so much I’ll never accomplish. Them’s the breaks when you’re playing the high stakes game of televised love. It’s dangerous. It’s the Bachelorette!

This is not how you sit on a bench!

We begin with Eric’s hometown date in Baltimore. Baltimore is in Maryland. Things are already moving at breakneck speed. Eric and Lindsay sit on a bench in a way that no two humans should ever sit. Eric describes what they’re looking at. He says, “This is the nice part of the city where it’s nice out.” I lean forward to learn more.

Eric goes on to explain that he’s from the mean streets and will show Rachel the mean streets. We will all get to see the mean streets. I hope they’re not too mean. I’m pretty sensitive.

Eric and Rachel play basketball. Sports quota filled. At one point Rachel travels with the ball and no foul is called. I scream out “She’s traveling!” My wife goes to bed. As they play, Rachel tells the camera that Eric is a person who seizes the day. I agree. They could literally do anything there is to do in Baltimore and they go to a park to shoot hoops. That day is seized. Eric is seizy af!

Eric’s friend arrives to the court and tells Rachel how proud of Eric he is. ABC plays soft “Eric is a good guy” music. This is a dramatic turn from week 2 when ABC played “Eric is the devil” music. A lot can change in 7 weeks. Keep up!

Eric talks a lot about his journey. It’s journeyey. He says, while the women in his life were strong, he was never close to other women outside of his family. Eric has never brought a woman home and that makes Rachel nervous. Eric tells her to just be real. It’s about time someone told someone to be real.

Rachel brings flowers to Eric’s house. Eric brings a metal tin of those cookies no one eats. Why would you bring cookies to see you own family? Did they ask him to pick up some cookies on the way? Did Bachelorette interns forget to put out cookies? This hometown date is already confusing.

As they walk in the door, Eric’s family yells for 14 straight minutes. There’s a ton of noise. Rachel is made to feel super welcome. You guys felt super welcome too, admit it.

Rachel’s aunt Verna is the nicest person. She is happy for Rachel and thinks that Rachel has found love with her nephew Eric. Verna keeps things real by bringing up a serious topic. She says, “Let’s break up the R-A-C-E word. Race!” They have a for real talk about how viewers are judging Rachel for dating both black and white men. I completely forgot Rachel was black but she totally is. Verna likes Rachel. They hug. I hope Aunt Verna is the next Bachelorette.

Eric talks to his mom about love. There’s a ton of talking. It appears as if Eric and his mom are the same age. She’s young looking. Eric’s mom explains that he needs to take love seriously. I write everything down because this is super good advice. Are you guys taking love seriously? You should. Eric heads his mom’s advice. They hug.

Next, Eric sits down with his dad. Thanks for reading down this far. Eric and his dad didn’t have the best relationship. Eric’s dad apologizes for putting him through tough times, but he feels that made Eric a better man. If that’s true and this show has put me through so many tough times over the past 15 years, I must be the best man ever.

Eric raises a toast with his family. He says that he’s through running away from love and he’s ready to be happy with Rachel. The family agrees. It’s official; Eric’s hometown date is a tremendous success and I learned a ton about love.

We never saw the mean streets of Baltimore! I feel ripped off. I got a taste of the mean streets but I didn’t get the whole kitchen. I was promised mean streets. The streets I saw weren’t even ill-tempered. They were indifferent streets, at best. Things have not been kept real.

Bryan’s hometown date is next. Rachel meets him in Miami. She says Miami describes Bryan because it’s hot, sexy and sometimes it speaks Spanish. They meet in a park and they’re both wearing jeans and that is just insane. It is constantly 99 degrees with 100% humidity in Miami. If I wore jeans in Miami, my crotch would be a river. The sweat would never end. Civilizations would form along my crotch rivers. Why do you read these?

Bryan and Rachel walk around and eat food. It all looks delicious. Bryan will not shut up about how much he loves Miami. This is less a date and more an infomercial for Miami. Have you guys visited Miami? You should totally check it out.

They sit on a bench. One again, they sit like no humans should. Why can’t this girl sit normally on a bench? Bryan is nervous about introducing Rachel to his family because they’re strange. I could have guessed that. You don’t become a contestant on this game show unless you’re family is completely insane, or at the very least, incredibly loud.

Rachel brings flowers with her to meet Bryan’s family. These flowers are bigger than the ones she brought to Eric’s family. I’m sure they’ll be happy to see that when they watch this episode back.

Rachel is nervous to meet Bryan’s mom because his mom ruined his last relationship. She’s hoping that doesn’t happen this time. I’m hoping for the worst because I’m terrible and hate these people.

Bryan sits down with his mom. He tells her that he thinks Rachel is the one. Rachel’s mom isn’t buying it. She doesn’t think it’s possible that he found love so quickly on a game show. She’s kind of angry and overprotective. How dare she doubt this process that has been proven to work 6% of the time? I like Rachel’s mom.

Next, it’s Rachel’s turn to sit down with doubtful mom. Rachel is asked what she likes about Bryan. I yell out, “Don’t say it’s his dick!” She doesn’t. Rachel says that Bryan makes her want to be a better person. It’s a great answer. I yell out, “Great answer, Rachel!” No one answers because I’m watching this alone.

Bryan’s mom tells Rachel that marriage is serious and you need to have love for it to work. These people all have the same advice. Bryan’s mom tells Rachel that she asked God for her son to be happy and, if Rachel is the one, she’ll accept it. ABC plays soft ‘Bryan’s mom got permission from God to like Rachel’ music.

Bryan’s hometown date went smooth. I’m upset because these dates are supposed to be a disaster and no one has been morbidly embarrassed yet. What good is this episode if there isn’t total embarrassment for two hours? This is a sham. Bryan tells Rachel that he loves her. Rachel likes him a lot, but is contractually forbidden from sharing his love. You know love is real when ABC lawyers are able to stop you from expressing it.

Peter’s hometown date is next. It occurs in Madison, Wisconsin. We know this because Peter stands on a bridge in Madison, Wisconsin and thinks. It’s super thinky. That kind of thinking can only occur in Madison. I’m glad that cameras were there to capture Peter’s thinking.

Just looking at this gives me lower back pain.

Rachel meets Peter in a park or something. They walk around. This Rachel loves to walk around cities. If lawyering doesn’t work out, she could totally get a job as a city walker. Again, Rachel fails to sit on  bench like a normal person. She’s a complete failure when it comes to sitting comfortably.

Rachel and Peter meet his friends in a restaurant. There’s a bunch of talking. The topic of race comes up because ABC isn’t afraid to keep things real. A bunch of Peter’s friends are black. They talk about how Peter has black friends but Peter doesn’t see having black friends as a big deal. I’m sure his friends like being exploited. Who wouldn’t?

Next, we meet Peter’s family. I’m so incredibly bored. Rachel talks to Peter’s family and nothing interesting is said. It’s so boring that Rachel doesn’t fall in love with Peter. You can tell that she’s not totally into him. I don’t think Peter is getting a sex invitation to a Fantasy Suite next week. Poor Peter. He’ll just have to continue to have sex with every woman in Madison, Wisconsin.

Dean’s date is next. There’s an hour left on the show and the preview footage has shown this hometown visit is going to be awko taco. ABC is giving it an entire hour so it better be good. This has seriously been the worst hometown date episode ever.

Dean meets Rachel on a ranch, or something. I’m pretty sure he’s wearing leggings. I couldn’t be a contestant on this show because I could never pull of leggings. Rachel and Dean drive ATVs. It’s super fun. I scream a bunch because watching people drive ATVs gives me an adrenaline rush. When life gets me down, I go to a ranch and watch people ride ATVs.

Dean is nervous to bring Rachel home because he’s estranged from his family. His mom died and left his dad in a bad place. He’s never made things right with his dad.

Dean says his dad’s name and I’m not sure how to pronounce or spell it. He says the name means “Divinely Beautiful.” I think that’s what Greg means. Rachel asks why Dean hasn’t talked to his dad in two years. He says that it’s not his fault because his dad hasn’t tried either. It’s a solid point.

Rachel tells Dean that he should confront his dad about never being there for him. If my dad’s name was Divinely Beautiful, I think the first thing I’d confront him about would be his name.

Rachel brings flowers to meet Divinely Beautiful. The flowers are equivalent to the flowers she brought to Bryan’s family’s house. We’ve reached peak flower bouquetdom.

Divinely Beautiful and the rest of Dean’s family sit on the floor. A bunch of people are wearing turbans because they’re Sikhs. Now, everyone lays on the floor as Dean’s dad bangs on a gong. Aren’t you glad you read these? It’s an exercise to relax and I have to admit that it seems pretty relaxing. I’m relaxed. You guys were relaxed by the gong too, admit it.

Dean’s dad gives Rachel’s feathers and he cries. The feathers are symbolic of his deceased wife. Rachel likes her dead mom feather gift. Things are going well.

Food is served and Dean is angry. He thinks his family is putting up a fake front for the camera. He knows he has unresolved issues with his dad, so he’s not buying the relaxed, positive vibes. They go to the other room to speak alone. ABC plays dramatic “things are about to get real” music. They do. Things get the realest. I haven’t seen things this real since this really real time in my life that I won’t talk about because it was real and I want to keep things real.

Dean asks his father if he thinks he’s a good father. His dad is caught off guard. Dean asks about past arguments they had after his mother died. He wants to know why his dad wasn’t there emotionally. Divinely Beautifully admits that he screwed up because he was angry about his wife dying. Dean yells at his dad for not dealing with it well. This conversation should definitely happen in front of cameras and not in private. This is super healthy.

They yell at each other. Dean doesn’t get the answers he wants. Divinely Beautiful leaves in anger before their relationship is fixed. This is such a ripoff! ABC needs to fix this whole Dean and Dean’s dad thing tonight! I need closure. Dean tells his dad that he loves him, so I guess there’s hope for the future. I can’t wait for the future, you guys.

Rachel sees Dean’s dad outside and she talks to him. She wants to know if they’re okay. Divinely Beautiful starts to talk about it, but stops. It’s too painful for him. He wishes Rachel and Dean well, but he can’t deal with his son’s resentment in front of ABC cameramen. What a weirdo! What kind of idiot can’t just fix a lifetime of pain and hurt feelings in an hour? It’s like he’s not even trying.

Dean and Rachel lay on Divinely Beautiful’s living room floor and I can’t believe I just typed this sentence. This episode won’t end. Dean tells Rachel that he loves her. Rachel is super into Dean. Dean will continue to be seen.

The rose ceremony where Rachel will dump Peter is next. Chris Harrison stops by Rachel’s hotel room for a meaningless interview. Rachel tells Chris Harrison that it’s hard to dump one of her boyfriends. This is where I’d say that she shouldn’t date more than one guy, but you’re sick of that by now. The entire conversation with Chris Harrison is a complete waste of time, so it’s the same as anything Chris Harrison has ever done. He is, by a country mile, the worst person in television. He has zero talent and zero charisma. He adds nothing. It’s not that big a deal because his show is a pile of crap and nothing could make it better, but he makes it worse with his benign, vapid existence. I hate him.

Next, Rachel gives her boyfriends a speech about how much she appreciates them. Then, she dumps Dean. Boom! It’s a total shocker. I yell out “No! Dean!” and wake my dog up. He must hate this show more I do.

Rachel walks Dean out. I guess his family was just too screwed up. Rachel tells Dean that it’s not his fault that he got dumped. She just didn’t feel like he was ready or wanted the same things she wanted. I’m not sure what that meant. They both wanted to have their every move televised. They both wanted things to be kept 100. They were perfect for each other. I don’t understand. Well, the good news is, Dean is only 14-years old, so he’ll bounce back and have a ton of sex and stuff.

When he gets into his dump limo, Dean is still confused. He says that he really did love Rachel, and he’s mad that she didn’t love him too. See, this is why I don’t date women who are dating other men. You can’t tell who they love.

Next week, Rachel will have sex with her three remaining boyfriends and then she’ll dump one of them. It’s all part of the process. Trust the process, you guys. The process keeps things real.