Forget everything you know about the Bachelorette, which is nothing. Everything changes. It doesn’t become a good show, but everything changes. It’s like those time lapse videos of something that…

Forget everything you know about the Bachelorette, which is nothing. Everything changes. It doesn’t become a good show, but everything changes. It’s like those time lapse videos of something that changes… you know how those show change? Well, think of one of those and relate it to this show, because it’s changing. Everything is changing. I’m trying to get you to stop reading this recap right away to save you the trouble of reading about white people battle rapping. I’m your best friend and you don’t even know it. It’s called friendship. It’s The Bachelorette.

We pick up where we left off; in hell. Kaitlyn was tired of the mixed messages she was getting from Clint. He’s super nice to her on dates, but then tells the camera that he doesn’t like Kaitlyn and he wants to date JJ. The rest of Kaitlyn’s boyfriends have told her that Clint is no good. She’s going to get to the bottom of things before the rose ceremony. That’s what Kaitlyn does. She gets to the bottom of things. They should call this show, ‘The BottomofThingsette’.

Kaitlyn says that Clint might be, “One of the biggest douches in Bachelor history”. That would be an incredible douche. Being the biggest douche of the biggest douches would make you soooooo douchey. You’d be the Kareem Abdul Jabbar of douches. You see, Kareem Abdul Jabbar played basketball at a very high level. Sports quota filled.

Kaitlyn tells Clint he’s not authentic and real. Clint smooths things over by being uber confrontational and by yelling at Kaitlyn. He tells her that everyone loves him. Hey, villains gotta vil. Kaitlyn doesn’t buy it. You guys, she’s totally getting to the bottom of things. You have no idea. These things are soon to have Kaitlyn all up in their bottom.

Clint is unable to smooth things over with Kaitlyn. His time as a villain has come to an end. Kaitlyn is kicking him off the show, but she doesn’t just throw him out the back door. ABC lawyers tell Kaitlyn that she must take Clint into the other room so he can get in people’s faces and give them promo material. There’s going to be so much promo material. I know, ’cause I’ve already seen it!

Clint immediately yells out, “Who sold me out to Kaitlyn?” None of the guys answer. Clint is terrible at getting to the bottom of things. He didn’t even get to the middle of things, much less the bottom, which is further down inside of things.

JJ speaks up first. He tells Clint to apologize to everyone for the emotional disaster that has occurred over the past couple of days and for stealing time from Kaitlyn’s boyfriends. Time has been stolen and no one can deny it, not even Clint. Clint is super disappointed that the man he loves has turned his back on him. Defeated, Clint accepts elimination.

What follows is worse than a fake gay romance. It’s a fake Bachelorette confrontation. JJ pulls Clint aside to apologize. Clint starts swearing at him and gets in his face. They’re less than inches away from each other. The music is super dramatic. You guys, they’re gonna punch each other! They don’t punch each other. Clint leaves, storms off, and gets in his confessional limo. They don’t punch each other because ABC told them to act like they were going to fight. Clint doesn’t even cry to the limo camera. It’s because he’s not sad. He’s an actor planted to do fake things on a terrible TV show. As we go to commercial, JJ cries because he just lost his best friend and lover.

The rose ceremony is next. We’re only a few minutes in and I’ve already passed out a couple of times over the drama. I don’t have the strength for this season. Kaitlyn isn’t ready for the rose ceremony because of all of the drama. You guys weren’t ready either, admit it. Kaitlyn pulls Chris Harrison aside and asks him to skip the rose ceremony so she can keep all of her boyfriends. THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES!

Chris Harrison announces to the guys that there will be no more dumpings. The guys celebrate with the other boyfriends dating their girlfriends. It’s a hi-five-fest. I’m so happy and relieved. Some of the guys are mad that JJ didn’t go home. They don’t understand. Villains gotta vil.

The group is going to New York City. Everyone is super happy. Apparently, they love New York. They show their love by going out onto the balcony and yelling, “New York!” I never go anywhere without rushing out onto a balcony and yelling out the name of the place. How else would people know you were excited about being there?

There will be a group date in New York. A bunch of guys will probably punch each other or put their hands in toilets filled with snakes. That’s how you find love. Kaitlyn rides a boat to their date. It’s a good chance for her to stare off the side of her boat and think about love. She wants a fun date and says, “Hopefully this date is smooth sailing.” Get it, you guys???!!! She’s on a boat!!!!

Kaitlyn tells the guys that she loves rap and hip-hop so she wants the guys to rap. Why does ABC always make white people rap? I hate this show. You can’t fall in love with a guy unless he hip hops. Kaitlyn brings out Doug E. Fresh to show the guys how to rap. If anyone can help Kaitlyn find love, it’s Doug E. Fresh. There’s little to no chance that anyone other than me watching this show knows who Doug E. Fresh is.

And the initials on the name are D.E.F.

There will be a rap battle. Kaitlyn even explains to America what a rap battle is, in case they haven’t seen 8 Mile. Doug E. Fresh lets the guys pick who they want to rap battle. I know I give this show a lot of grief, but this is going to be an epic rap battle, you guys.

The guys practice their rapping. They write down their raps on sheets of paper. It’s hard core. Kaitlyn raps a bunch. There’s so much rapping. A lot of the rapping rhymes. The only thing whiter than this rap battle would be if my parents went up on the stage, turned on a television and watched golf. I think all battles should be Bachelorette rap battles. That way, there’d be no war; just depression.

After the rap battle, Kaitlyn sees some of her friends and goes over to talk to them because she’s not on a date with 12 men. One of the friends is Nick, a former Bachelor contestant. Nick is an evil contestant, but Kaitlyn totally digs him. On a scale of 1-to-10, she would rate Nick a ‘10’, the highest possible number.

Nick says that he likes Kaitlyn. They’ve talked on social media. They don’t call it “social” media for nothing. Nick doesn’t want her to get engaged without the chance of getting to know her. Kaitlyn and Nick discuss whether or not he should join the cast. It’s a very serious discussion. I respect the severity of what is going on. This doesn’t seem fair to the rest of the guys, but villains gotta vil.

The group date continues. Kaitlyn meets up with her gang on a boat. She tells her boyfriends that she’s met a guy and she wants him to join the show. Looks like there will be rough waters ahead!!!! She tells the guys that she doesn’t want to disrespect them, so she’s basically asking their permission to date another guy on top of the other 12 guys she’s dating. This is a completely normal conversation.

Ryan Gosling figures out that she’s talking about Nick from Andi’s season. He asks why she would want Nick when she has 12 great guys right in front of her. Kaitlyn doesn’t have an answer. Ryan Gosling isn’t happy. No one is happy. Everyone is unhappy. How is Kaitlyn supposed to find love in this sea of unhappiness?

Kaitlyn goes outside to think. Nick is out there and they hug. How is she going to think while she’s hugging Nick? She’s like a two-sport athlete! Nick and Kaitlyn make out. Villains gotta vil. Nick tries to convince Kaitlyn to let him join the game show. By the way she’s making out with him, she’s gonna let him.


This is what the Nick Situation looks like.

Kaitlyn says that she’s confused, but she’s into Nick. She’s a Nick fan, kind of like Spike Lee. I am totally nailing these sports references. It’s almost like I’m NOT a huge disappointment.

The other boyfriends discuss the Nick situation. They don’t have respect for him because he treated Andi bad on TV and he’s a villain. They say they’ll lose respect for Kaitlyn if she brings Nick on the show. There’s a big long discussion. It’s discussioney.

The bros confront Kaitlyn. While they don’t like it, Justin tells her that she can bring Nick on the show. Kaitlyn thanks her boyfriends for allowing her to add another boyfriend. Justin gets the group date rose. Justin did not get to make out with her for ten minutes like Nick did. Kaitlyn says that she’s going to sleep on the Nick situation and decide whether or not he joins the show later.

It’s the next day. You guys, that night went quick! I hardly slept, worrying about the Nick situation. Kaitlyn talks to Nick on the phone about the Nick situation. Who better to talk to about the Nick situation than Nick? Kaitlyn suggests to Nick that they meet up to further discuss the Nick situation. They’re getting so much done.

After she hangs up with Nick, she sits on a window sill and stares out the window while she thinks about Nick and the Nick situation. It doesn’t work. She’s still not decided about what to do about the Nick situation.

Kaitlyn goes out to get her hair done. Crazy Ashley from Chris the Farmer’s season does Kaitlyn’s hair while they further discuss the Nick situation. Ashley isn’t crazy when she does hair. She gives out good advice. She doesn’t talk about onions. This show is such a huge sham. Kaitlyn is discussing the Nick situation with everyone, but she isn’t solving the Nick situation. It’s like it’ll never be solved.

Ashley asks Kaitlyn, “How stressed out are you on a scale of 1-to-10?” Kaitlyn says “11.” Kaitlyn was given a predetermined scale to specify her stress level and she couldn’t stay within that scale. Kaitlyn might be good at rapping, but she’s terrible at math.

Kaitlyn arrives for her conversation with Nick with terrible looking hair. This segment will not do much for Ashley’s hair dressing career. Nick and Kaitlyn further discuss the Nick situation. Nick says that he’s not here to be the villain. That’s exactly what a villain would say. Villains gotta vil. Kaitlyn decides that she needs to be selfish and wants Nick around. The Nick situation has been solved, you guys. We can all finally relax. I feel like a boulder has been lifted off of my chest. Nick and Kaitlyn make out in the street with a camera man a few feet away from their face. He’s officially on the show.

Jared gets a one-on-one date. He gets to date Kaitlyn, but he doesn’t know that she’ll only be thinking about the Nick situation. You guys will only be thinking about the Nick situation too, admit it. Kaitlyn meets Jared at the Met. I think that’s where the Mets play. Kaitlyn and Jared are all dressed up in fancy clothes. It must be a playoff game.

Jared talks about stuff. There’s a ton of talking. Kaitlyn isn’t listening to Jared. She’s thinking about Nick. How could you not? The conversation at the Met isn’t fun. They talk about what they should be talking about. It’s never a good sign if you’re on a date and you start to talk about what to talk about. If that ever happens to you, you should get up and leave the date.

Back at the hotel room, Kaitlyn’s other boyfriends discuss the Nick situation. So much of this show is the discussion of the Nick situation. No one is happy. A date card arrives and another group date is announced. The boyfriends cheer their group date.

We’re back on the Met date. Keep up! Kaitlyn and Jared drink and laugh. No one has mentioned Nick in minutes. It’s almost like Nick died or never existed. I don’t even remember Nick. Was there a Nick? Don’t answer that because I won’t even know who you’re talking about.

Jared and Kaitlyn make out on their Met date. This is the worst baseball game ever. Kaitlyn gives Jared a rose. Jared accepts it. I think he likes her. I never want this date to end, but it’s going to end. I’m so mad. Wait! Kaitlyn reads a letter from Chris Harrison and he tells them to go to a limo and limo takes them TO A HELICOPTER! THEY GET ON A HELICOPTER!! IT’S ABOUT FREAKIN’ TIME!

The helicopter flies around. Jared tells the camera that he’s fallen in love with Kaitlyn because they got a helicopter ride. That happened fast. I have to get myself on a helicopter.

It’s the next day. Keep up! Kaitlyn goes down to the guys’ hotel room to tell her boyfriends that Nick is coming on the show. She says that adding a boyfriend doesn’t take away from what she has with any of them. It makes a ton of sense when you put in like that.

The boyfriends do not take the adding of another boyfriend well. It’s a dramatic moment. Everyone is thinking about the Nick situation. Kaitlyn leaves after disappointing her boyfriends. It’s a smooth move. Kaitlyn is following her heart. That’s what I do when I’m confused. I follow my heart. You guys follow your heart too, admit it.

The second group date is next. It’s terrible. Kaitlyn brings her other group of five boyfriends to a theater. They’re going to be a part of a play, because ABC has only done that about a dozen times.

The play they’re joining is ‘Aladdin’. Did you guys know that Disney owns ABC? They do. They own ABC. Although, it’s just a coincidence that the play highlighted here is a Disney movie. What a stroke of luck for Disney and ABC.

The boyfriends will practice acting, dancing and singing, then the one who does it best will get to be in a Broadway play. It doesn’t go well. They guys stumble around because they’re not dancers. They’re Industrial Welders and Former Investment Bankers, not dancers.

What follows is a bunch of dancing. I miss the rap battles. Why would you read about any of this? It’s terrible. I’d rather watch people discuss the Nick situation.

Next, the guys sing. Joshua doesn’t sing well. Eyes close together Bart Simpson hair doesn’t sing well. Ian does a super good job with the singing. He’s a singer and an Executive Recruiter, whatever that is. Chris kind of sings well, I think. I don’t know. Who would ever care? This show is terrible. Chris wins the group date Broadway-off. He gets to be in a Broadway play. I guess he did well.

The other boyfriends leave the group date because they’re failures. Chris and Kaitlyn prepare for their Broadway performance. I’m forced to watch it.

Back at the hotel, Nick is on his way to meet the guys who will hate him. It’s hatey.

We’re back to the play. Don’t keep up. Leave. Kaitlyn and Chris do stuff in front of people. The people watch it. We watch them watch it. Kaitlyn doesn’t appear to really like Chris. They don’t have a ton of chemistry. Even still, they make out. Kaitlyn likes to make out.

The play happens. They do well. They can add this to their IMDB page. You guys should totally go see Aladdin on Broadway, that’s the one thing I take away from all of this.

Chris and Kaitlyn go on top of the Times Square building. They hold each other and make out near the New Years Eve ball. Kaitlyn gives Chris a rose. He accepts it. I guess you can say, Chris does not drop the ball. I’m so sorry about everything.

When that crap is over, Nick arrives to the hotel. Boy, is he in for trouble! The other boyfriends who readily accepted dating a girl who was dating 24 other guys are not happy about an additional boyfriend. I mean, you gotta draw the line somewhere, right? ABC doesn’t show us Nick meeting the guys. They spend 3 minutes showing us Nick taking an elevator to the room. Then, they end the show. This show is terrible.

Luckily, we get an update on Britt and Brady Kurt Bert. It’s a good thing because I was totally wondering what ever happened to Britt and Brady Kurt Bert. They’re still dating. Scream! Britt is happy and says, “I could not have planned this better.” I don’t think that there are a lot of things that Britt could plan.

The show is over. If you’re anything like me, you’re going to spend the week thinking about the Nick situation. It’s going to be such a long week thinking of Nick and the Nick situation. I’ll probably get fired for asking people around the office about the Nick situation. That’s the dangerous game you play when you watch The Bachelorette. Villains gotta vil.


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