It feels like years since I last recapped ‘The Bachelor’. What is the show even about? I can’t remember. What does Chris the Farmer do for a living? I think he banks. How many girlfriends does he even have? Six? He has six girlfriends! Who need six girlfriends? How do we find out when there is only one more rose remaining? I guess all of these questions will be answered tonight in the fourth and fifth hours of Bachelor programming I will watch this week.
I hope the ambulance is warmed up and the Bachelor EMTs are limber, because the preview for tonight’s show says that the cocktail party is going to be cancelled. Haven’t these jerks learned what happens when you cancel cocktail parties? How many innocent people have to die…er suffer panic attacks? How come you guys never answer my questions?
We pick up things where they left off last night; unfinished. Chris the Farmer needs to dump two of his girlfriends so he can visit the hometowns of the girlfriends he didn’t dump. That’s what the birds and the bees is all about. The group is still in Iowa. We’re nowhere near the rose ceremony. There’s still a date from last night’s episode to come. Keep up!
Chris the Farmer walks around Iowa thinking about his girlfriends. He has a 1-on-1 date with Becca. Becca is a virgin, for now. They go to Chris the Farmer’s loft. They talk and there’s talking. This episode is off to a roaring start. I take a couple of breaks to breathe into a paper bag because of how fast things are moving.
Becca tells Chris the Farmer that she’s never been in love. They talk about love and what love is like. I wanna know what love is. When they’re done talking about love, they go outside and make out during the sunset. It’s super beautiful. I’m sorry about everything I’ve ever done wrong, you guys.
Back at the hotel, the other girlfriends talk about Britt, but Britt comes into the room so they pretend like they weren’t talking about Britt. Britt tells the other girlfriends that she’s thinking about leaving the show because she didn’t get the group date rose. She’s super upset and needs attention.
Carly calls her out on her drama. Carly doesn’t believe her. Britt cries and says that she’s 100% leaving. Woah! That’s, like totally leaving. 100% is 100%, you guys. That’s all of the percents. She’s much more than 98% leaving. She’s an additional 2% more than 98% leaving. She’s 100% leaving. Woah!
Britt packs her bags because she’s 100% leaving. Jade is freaking out because she still has to tell Chris the Farmer that she posed nude in Playboy. This is going to be some cocktail party. There is just too much going on. I can’t keep up. I’m such a hypocrite.
Chris Harrison comes in and cancels the cocktail party. As Whitney would say, “Shut up!”
Britt can’t pretend like she’s leaving if there’s no cocktail party. Cocktail parties are where you pretend like you’re leaving. Now, it’s cancelled. I’m drowning and having a panic attack.
The rose ceremony happens. We watch it. Chris the Farmer is talking, but Britt interrupts him to tell him how she’s 100% leaving. They go in the other room. The other girls get angry at Britt for not being cool about her boyfriend dating five other girlfriends. What a prude!
Britt apologizes to Chris the Farmer for her Britt ways. Well, she kind of apologizes. She asks him if he has anything that he’d like to apologize about. She does not tell him that she’s 100% leaving. Chris the Farmer doesn’t apologize. He tells Britt that he’s not sure about her intentions. Britt doesn’t really let Chris the Farmer talk a lot. He gets sick of it and walks her out. They don’t make out, which seems like a wasted opportunity.
That was a super quick dumping. Farming might take time, but dumping Britt didn’t. He pulled Britt off like a Bandaid. It was the QUICKEST DUMPING IN BACHELOR HISTORY!
Britt goes outside and cries. She just cries a ton. She sits on the ground and bawls her eyes out, and none of the 43 people watching her cry offers any consolation. They don’t even offer her a tissue to wipe the snot or eight pounds of mascara streaming down her face. Britt’s gone you guys. She’s 100% leaving. This shatters the Fantasy League standings.
Chris the Farmer comes back into the room. He’s super upset over dumping Britt, but he’s not playing games. He tells the girls, “I’m not playing games” to make sure they know about his lack of game-playing. He 100% does not play games.
Next, he dumps another girlfriend. Roses are given away and Carly does not get one. It’s kind of obvious, when it’s down to Carly and Jade that Carly is going home because we’ve seen hours of preview footage of Jade’s Playboy situation.
Poor Carly. She was totally in the friend zone. I liked Carly. She’s 100% leaving. The other girlfriends stand around and talk about how much they’ll miss Carly. You guys will miss Carly too, admit it.
Carly cries in the limo and talks about how she wants to be loved. She asks why no one wants her. I’m pretty sure she’s asking the wrong people. I could find a couple of guys who would want Carly, without really trying. Maybe don’t sing on cruise ships, Carly. Everyone on a cruise ship is in a couple.
With his dumpings out of the way, Chris the Farmer visits the hometowns of his remaining four girlfriends. Becca gets the first date. She’s a virgin. Chris the Farmer doesn’t yet know that no one has plowed her field. Get it? You guys are jerks.
Becca and Chris the Farmer take a canoe down a Louisiana creek, or something. They see gators and such. The canoe sits in the middle of the creek while they hold hands and talk about love. I’m not sure if the camera guys and sound guys are in an adjacent canoe or standing knee deep in gator-infested water. They probably have some poor intern on gator duty.
After the canoe experience, they go to Becca’s house to meet her one thousand family members. He family makes Chris the Farmer feel welcome. It’s welcomey. They eat on TV.
Becca’s sister Katie pulls Chris the Farmer into the other room to talk. Katie is a terrible person and tells Chris the Farmer terrible things about her sister. She says that Becca is a cold and lifeless fish who has never loved. That’s what sisters are for. Next, Becca’s mom tells Chris the Farmer not to hurt her daughter.
Terrible Katie and Becca talk about the Fantasy Suite date in the other room. Becca isn’t giving up the flower until she’s ready, and if Chris the Farmer isn’t cool with that, he can stick it. There’s some more talking and stuff.
After that, Chris the Farmer and Becca go out into the driveway and make out really loud. It’s slurpy. Instead of leaving, Chris the Farmer takes Becca to a Ferris wheel. Becca is super excited about the Ferris wheel because she doesn’t have cable. She tells the camera how sweet Chris the Farmer is for setting up their special Ferris wheel adventure. Yes, because Chris the Farmer is the one who set this all up; not Bachelor producers. He’s the one who made them close the Louisiana fair so she could get a private Ferris wheel ride.
Whitney’s date is next. She has a really squeaky voice, and no parents. Whitney’s parents died, remember? Keep up! Whitney tells Chris the Farmer that they’re going to make a baby! I totally LOL ‘cause, WUT? Whitney is a fertility nurse, so she was talking about science baby making. They go to her baby lab, put on scrubs and talk about how sexy they each look in scrubs. Then, they make a baby with needles and computers. It looks complicated.
A different nurse gives Chris the Farmer a specimen cup so he can masturbate into it and make a baby. He does not want to do the baby sperm cup thing. Whitney insists, so they close him in the room with dirty magazines to produce a specimen. It’s super weird. My wife predicts that this is all a ploy to discover Jade’s picture in Playboy. My wife is brilliant. It was all a big goof, though. Chris doesn’t masturbate. Whitney was just goofing. She’s so goofy. Chris the Farmer is super goofy too! He’s such a gentleman. It was so cute how he didn’t want to masturbate on TV.
Whitney takes Chris the Farmer to meet his sister and the rest of her family that is still alive. They all eat on TV. Whitney’s alive family seems nice. Her Uncle Johnny pulls Chris the Farmer aside to talk about life and love. Chris the Farmer tells Uncle Johnny that he likes Whitney a lot. Uncle Johnny seems really nice. You guys like Uncle Johnny too, admit it.
Whitney talks to her sister about Chris the Farmer. They have the conversation in a bedroom. I can’t imagine how much my wife would have to clean our house if she knew it would be on ABC. We would need a hazmat crew. Whitney’s sister isn’t sure about the process of getting married to someone you dated on TV. She’s skeptical and doesn’t approve. Whitney freaks out because her sister won’t give Whitney her reality TV wedding blessing. Whitney cries a bunch. You guys would cry too, admit it.
When Chris the Farmer asks Whitney’s sister for her blessing with Whitney, she doesn’t really give it. She says she’ll give out a blessing when he’s only dating Whitney and not four girlfriends. I mean, the nerve! How dare you not want your sister to date a guy who is dating multiple other women! What a bitch!
After the sister drama, Whitney pulls Chris the Farmer aside to drink a wine that she’s been saving to drink with the guy she was going to marry. She cries a lot while telling him about the future husband wine. Whitney tells Chris the Farmer that she’s in love with him, 100%. That’s all the way in love, you guys! She’s 100% in love, not 98%. 100%!
While she’s telling Chris the Farmer that she’s fallen in love with him, he interrupts her by making out with her. It’s a smooth move. Who needs to listen to a girl pouring her heart out to you when you can just make out with her to shut her up?
Kaitlyn’s date is next. She lives in Phoenix. Well, she lives in Canada or something, but they meet in a dirty alley in Phoenix by a dumpster. I’m done trying to understand this show.
Kaitlyn brings Chris the Farmer to a recording studio. They’re going to write and record a rap song to make sure I’m fully tortured. I hate this show. We watch them write a rap song about their experiences together. The rap song rhymes. They record their rap song. It’s about as white as you’d expect. It makes me feel less white. It’s a good thing Chris the Farmer is a farmer, because he’s not a rapper. He’s terrible at rapping. 100% terrible.
After the bad thing, Kaitlyn takes Chris the Farmer to meet her family in her broken home. Her parents are divorced, but they still get together to be televised on ABC. They eat on TV around a table that is part table and part fireplace. My wife rewinds the show eight times to see the fireplace table and now I’m going to have to spend thousands of dollars on a fireplace table.
Kaitlyn’s family likes Chris the Farmer. Her mom is nervous about her daughter being dumped because her boyfriend is also dating three other women. The nerve!
When assuring her mom that she’s serious about Chris the Farmer, Kaityn says “I heart him.” Her mom says, “I can see that you heart him.” This family is weird.
After eating on TV around their fireplace table, Chris the Farmer and Kaitlyn take a ride home in their ABC SUV. Kaitlyn reveals a digitized billboard that says “Kaitlyn Hearts Chris”. So, she said it and she billboarded it. It’s billboardy. That’s really putting your self out there. People can see billboards. Everyone is going to know that you heart Chris the Farmer. Anyway, they make out.
Jade gets the final hometown date. Jade was in Playboy, you guys. She lives in Nebraska. They walk down a Nebraska street while Jade contemplates telling Chris the Farmer about her Playboy days.
Jade’s family is nice. They all wear clothes, unlike Jade. The family eats on TV while asking Chris the Farmer questions about life and love. Her dad pulls Chris the Farmer aside to make sure he likes his daughter the most out of his four girlfriends. They talk about life and stuff, too. Chris the Farmer tells Jade’s dad that he’s falling in love with Jade. Boom. Jade’s dad tells Chris the Farmer that Jade is hard to keep up with because she’s wild. You know, dad stuff. Jade’s brother also warns Chris the Farmer that Jade is wild. This family isn’t afraid to paint their Jade in a terrible light.
Jade leaves the house with Chris the Farmer to tell him about the Playboy pictures. Everyone else in America has Googled them by now. I wasn’t impressed. The pictures seem awkward. Who sits in a convertible with no clothes on? The leather seats would be uncomfortable on your skin, especially if you were sweaty. I’d be sweaty in my Playboy spread. They’d need to constantly halt production to wipe away the sweat. Are you guys still reading this? Did you 100% leave?
Jade tells Chris the Farmer about the Playboy pictures. He hears it. We watch him hear it while listening to him react. He reacts. It’s reacty. Chris the Farmer takes it well. He doesn’t dump Jade just because she showed America the goods. He’s such a gentleman! The preview footage would have made you think he was going to push her off a cliff. He doesn’t. He just nods a lot.
Jade offers to show him the pictures. He says, “sure.” They look at the pictures online. It’s not the least bit awkward. It’s really touching. Chris the Farmer giggles a lot. It’s adorbs. You guys giggled a lot too, admit it. There’s a video, complete with black bars like the ones they used to cover Jillian’s crotch.
Chris the Farmer doesn’t judge Jade for her nude pictures. He’s Chris the Farmer, not Chris the Judger. He tells Jade not to worry about her porn past. He’s such a gentleman! Then, they make out. So, to recap, the guy who dates 28 women on TV doesn’t mind if one of those women appeared in Playboy. The most DRAMATIC SEASON EVER!
The rose ceremony is next. Oh my God, keep up! ABC shows us the moon, and then Chris the Farmer tying his tie. He has to dump another girlfriend, leaving him with only three girlfriends. Chris the Farmer hands out two roses and Chris Harrison comes in to tell us how many roses are left, in case we can’t count.
Chris the Farmer dumps Jade! Boom! I guess he did mind the Playboy pictures. He’s such a gentleman! As she’s dumped, Jade says, “damn”, and not hilarious in the Chris Tucker way. She says “damn” in the “I shouldn’t have posed in Playboy” way.
Chris the Farmer walks her out. He’s such a gentleman. He apologizes for dumping her. Jade understands. It’s understandy. She cries a little. You guys cried too, admit it. Chris the Farmer says that he didn’t dump Jade because she Playboyed. That’s it. No more Jade. So many Fantasy teams were destroyed tonight, and lives were destroyed too.
Jade gets in the limo. Chris the Farmer cries as she drives away. Jade cries in the limo. I manage to hold it together for the good of the recap. There is a ton of crying. When you think the crying is over, someone else is crying. I am so sick of this show.
Next week, Chris the Farmer has sex with three women in a fantasy suite and then dumps one of them.
Please listen to ‘We Bros Accept this Rose’, a Bachelor-themed podcast with myself and Shaun Murphy. Shaun is a lot better at watching this show than me.