Taking a week off from watching The Bachelor is like when your body puts itself into a coma to heal after a horrific car accident. Not watching The Bachelor is the best thing you can do. You know how, when you’re in high school, the guidance counselor asks you what you would do if you won a million dollars and that’s supposed to be the answer to what you’d do for a living? Well, my answer is “not watch The Bachelor.” I’d like to do that for a living.
Unfortunately, I still have to watch The Bachelor. I offered Jeremy White a million dollars to kill me and take over the blogging duties, but he started up a lawn mower and acted like he couldn’t hear me over the phone. He’s a jerk.
Anyway, Nick is still looking for love. He dumped one hundred women last week, which is a good start. I find, when you have a shit ton of girlfriends, it helps to thin the ranks a bit in order to learn their names. The bad part is, after dumping a bunch of girls, Nick began to doubt the process of dating several women on TV. He walked into a room full of undumped girlfriends and told them that he isn’t sure if he can continue the game show.
The undumped are devastated. Now, everyone is sitting around and thinking while dramatic music plays. It’s dramaticky. Chris Harrison walks over to find Nick on a beach. It’s incredible that Chris Harrison was able to track Nick down. He must have been tipped off by one of the 17 camera men, filming Nick as he sat on the beach. Chris Harrison and Nick sit on overturned canoes. Chris Harrison is not wearing shoes. I wonder how long ABC producers debated whether Chris Harrison should wear shoes. It was probably a six hour meeting.
Nick tells Chris Harrison that he feels like there are a million ways that this all won’t work out. I’m sure his future fiance will enjoy watching this scene back with him in a few weeks.
Back at the hotel, the undumped girls are worried that Nick might quit. Rachel says, “If Nick walks away, I will literally be devastated.” I’ll allow it.
When he done talking to Shoeless Joe Harrison, Nick returns to the hotel where his girlfriends are to discuss the future of their relationship. The music ABC uses to set the scene is the same music you hear in a movie about war crimes.
As the girls see Nick approach, Corinne says “I have no idea why Nick is here.” I think it has something to do with how he almost left the show last night, Corinne. Nick apologizes for barging into his girlfriends’ hotel room. He says he was scared. You guys were scared too, admit it!
Nick says that he wasn’t sure he could keep dating and dumping women on TV. ABC acts like it is at all possible that the Bachelor would walk away from his game show. Nick pulls it together and decides to keep dumping his girlfriends. He cries and tells seven women that they’re special, so he’ll keep dating and dumping them. ABC plays soft, sweet music to celebrate Nick’s continued effort to date several women at once. I don’t like to throw around the word hero, but Nick is a real American hero.
Nick announces that he’s skipping the rose ceremony and taking the group straight to Bimini. They all scream. Nick fails to point out that he dumped so many girlfriends that there was no need for a rose ceremony.
Corrine says that going to Bimini is her dream come true. I promise you that she’s never heard of Bimini. As the plane travels to Bimini, the girls all yell, “To Bimini and beyond!” You know, like Toy Story??!! Get it!!????!!! You guys are just mad that you didn’t think of yelling to Bimini and beyond. You guys are jerks.
Corrine is excited because she thinks she’s getting a 1-on-1 date. The date card announces that Vanessa is getting the 1-on-1 date. Corrine calls her a bitch and then complains to the camera a bunch because she’s been planted by producers to act terrible. Taking a week off did not make it easier to listen to Corrine’s voice. I’d rather listen to a puppy cry out because it’s been burned.
Vanessa and Nick get on a boat. If you’re on a boat, are you even technically on Bimini? I’m not sure because I’ve never been there. It’s my dream to go there some day. Vanessa tells Nick that she’s glad he’s not sick of dumping girlfriends yet. Nick’s shorts are getting shorter each episode. I can’t wait until the final rose ceremony when he’s wearing dental floss.
Nick and Vanessa visit an abandoned ship. They should call the ship ‘Nick’ because he almost abandoned love by leaving the show. I should be a writer. Nick and Vanessa make out in the ocean by the abandoned ship. Vanessa talks about how real it feels and that her love for Nick is real. This should be a good time to point out that Vanessa is not a Special Needs teacher. She’s an actress with a very pathetic IMDB page. But, her love is real, so there’s that.
The group date card arrives at the hotel. Corinne finds out that she’ll be on the group date. She’s never had a 1-on-1 date. There’s no justice in the world. I punch a hole in the wall and shout out my window, but no one cares.
Vanessa and Nick sit down to ignore their dinner. Vanessa is excited because she’s going to tell Nick that she loves him. Now we’ll see how good of an actress she is.
Vanessa tells Nick that she’s excited for him to meet her family during hometown dates next week. Nick will get to meet her dead grandpa. She chokes up when she starts to talk about her feelings. ABC plays soft ‘Vanessa has feelings’ music. She’s doing such a good acting job! She tells Nick that she’s falling in love with him and they slurp their faces together. Nick does not tell Vanessa that he loves her. He says that he “really, really likes” her. He says that he’ll take things slow in case it turns out he loves one of his other girlfriends more. Those aren’t his exact words, but that’s what is implied.
Vanessa is bummed out that her boyfriend doesn’t love her yet. She shakes it off, though. Vanessa is tough. She tells the camera that she’ll wait until next week’s show to see if Nick loves her then. That’s the nice thing about dating a guy on a TV show; if he doesn’t love you now, he might love you next week.
After the commercial, ABC shows us some pelicans. The group date girlfriends are nervous about their group date. Kristina would like to not be sharing her boyfriend Nick with Raven and Corinne. I’m not sure she understands how this show works.
Nick meets his three girlfriends on a yacht. Real original, Nick. He’s wearing a flowery napkin for shorts. It’s a bold move. We are a stiff breeze away from seeing Nick’s penis. Corinne annoys the other girlfriends by stripping down to her bikini. The other two girls won’t be out-whored, so they strip down to their bikinis too. Everyone puts on sunscreen. Say what you will about their morals and lack of decency, these kids know sun protection.
Nick announces that they will be swimming with sharks on the group date. It’s romantic. Whenever I want to get to know my three girlfriends better, I always jump into shark-infested waters with them. You can’t fall in love with someone without the imminent threat of death.
Kristina is not so excited about the shark swim. She says, “I’m just nervous because they can smell blood and you can die.” It’s a great point. Corinne likes that Kristina is scared because sharks can smell fear. Corinne is a national treasure.
Nick jumps into the water. ABC plays ‘there are sharks in the water’ music. Then, they show the sharks. Nick and the girls scream because of the sharks. The sharks and the swimmers are never in the same shot because this show is not real and there was never any danger of sharks. There were no sharks. It’s a very low point in the Bachelor franchise, which has had lots of low points. They all get back on the boat. Nick hugs his girlfriends to comfort them from the fake shark threat that never existed.
The shark group date has changed Corrine. She’s gone from super confident to super scared of going home. Corrine is nervous that her strategy of being the worst person who has ever lived may have backfired. I can’t imagine how.
There’s a cocktail party after the fake deadly shark swim. Nick pulls Kristina aside first. Last week, Kristina told us all the story about being a poor Russian orphan who used to eat lipstick. I mean, I used to eat lipstick, but it wasn’t to survive.
Nick cries when he talks to Kristina. All this guy does is cry now. They should change the name of the show to ‘The Cryor’. Get it? You guys are jerks.
Kristina tells Nick that it’s okay that he has to dump a bunch of his girlfriends, so he shouldn’t cry. That really happened. Then, they make out.
In the other room, Corinne eats cheese. Keep up! She says, “I’m eating my feelings.”
Raven literally gets some alone time with Nick. In an effort to get closer to Nick, she tells him about how her dad has cancer. Three seconds after Raven tells Nick that her dad has cancer, Nick jams his tongue down her throat. It’s super romantic. Nothing gets me hotter than finding out that one of my girlfriends’ dads has cancer. I just can’t help myself.
Corinne’s alone time is next. She’s acting less confident. It’s ABC’s way of getting us ready for Nick to dump her. You see, the planted horrible people rarely make it as far as hometown date week. They’re just on the show to carry us through the lean weeks. I predict that producers will instruct Nick to dump Corinne this week.
Nick and Corinne make out. I like it because, if she’s making out, she’s not talking. Nick makes Corinne happy by making out with her. She says, “Corinne is Corinne again.” One minute later, Nick literally gives the group date rose to Raven. Corinne is no longer Corinne. She’ll need more cheese.
Nick and Raven leave to make out on the porch of the random house everyone was hanging out in. The other girls are left on the couch to be sad. I’ll bet Kristina now regrets telling Nick to not feel bad about dumping more girlfriends.
Raven and Nick walk to the beach for a private concert by Ed Freeman, or something. I don’t know who he is. I’ve never been to Bimini. There are some other people at the concert. I wonder if they’re native Biminians or if they had to fly people in for the concert. Imagine if you bought tickets to a Biminan Ed Freeman concert and you had to stand behind Nick and Raven and the four cameramen filming their make-out session. I’d ask for my money back.
Back at the hotel, Kristina and Corinne discuss their chances of getting hometown dates. Corinne says “Corinne is annoyed”, so Greg is annoyed. She says, “Corinne is going to keep doing Corinne until I get engaged to him.” She dropped the 1st person thing halfway through the sentence. If Corine is going to do the 1st person thing, Corinne needs to commit. Let’s go, Corinne.
Danielle’s 1-on-1 date is next. Danielle accidentally wears a pair of Nick’s shorts on their date. Nick seems annoyed that Danielle out-shorts him, but he continues with the date anyway. They ride bikes. While riding bikes, Danielle says that she is concerned it’s been so long since her last 1-on-1 date, but she says 1-on-1 dates are like riding a bike. I scream until my throat bleeds.
Nick halts their date to play basketball against Bimini kids on a 6-foot basketball rim. Why do you read these?
Danielle says, “I’m definitely falling for him, one hundred and fifty bajillion percent.” In an incredible turn of events, my computer does not put a red squiggly line under the word “bajillion”, so I think it’s a real number. You guys, I just googled it and bajillion is in the Oxford dictionary. We’re doomed as a species.
Nick and Danielle talk about stuff. It’s boring. Nick does not like how their televised conversation is going, so he begins to doubt Danielle’s chances of winning the game show. He isn’t sure his relationship with Danielle can move forward. I guess he didn’t hear about how relationships are like riding a bike.
Back at Hotel Bimini, Rachel’s date card arrives. It says, “Let’s get some local flavor.” Rachel screams and says, “Yes, I love doing the local stuff!” So, if you guys at home are trying to think of what to do with your girl for Valentine’s Day, remember that they love doing the local stuff.
Danielle and Nick are sitting on a couch. Keep up! Danielle says that she had fun riding bikes. Nick says, “You’re fun to have fun with.” I can’t keep up with this date. It’s happening so fast.
Danielle loves Nick, but she’s afraid to tell him. She cries to the camera about it. We listen. Next, she attempts to tell Nick. There’s about four minutes of silence, then she tells Nick that she’s open to being in love, or something. Danielle isn’t making a ton of sense. I liked her better when she talked good.
Nick listens to Danielle with a sweet smile on his face. Then, he dumps her. Boy, for a guy who was torn apart by dumping girlfriends, he sure does love to dump girlfriends. Nick tells Danielle that he doesn’t think his heart can get to love with Danielle. He apologizes for dumping Danielle while dumping Danielle. Girls love it when you apologize for dumping them. He says, “You’re just so great.” Danielle says, “Not great enough.” It’s a sick burn. Maybe I was wrong about Danielle.
Danielle cries and some boogers pour out of her nose. Nick walks her outside. Danielle cries to the camera because her journey for love did not work out. She probably shouldn’t have dated a guy on TV who was dating 24 other women, but I’m not sure. I’ve never been to Bimini.
Just to rewind a bit, when Nick and Danielle first sat down to dinner, Nick toasted and said, “Here’s to a great night.” Then, three minutes later, he dumped her. That’s not an exaggeration. He had to know he was about to dump her. Maybe he was so excited about dumping her that this was his idea of a great night. Maybe he feels the way about dumping women how I feel about eating barbeque chicken nachos. If I have a plate of nachos and alcohol in front of me, I’m going to toast to a great night. Nick just really loves dumping women. He’s the perfect Bachelor.
Danielle goes back to the hotel to say goodbye to the other girls. She wishes them well and hopes they find love. The other girlfriends hug Danielle to console her from the Nick dumping. It’s consoley. Corinne tells the camera that Danielle was sweet, but she didn’t think Danielle was right for Nick. ABC plays sinister ‘Corinne is up to something’ music. Corinne is definitely up to something. You guys are up to something too, admit it!
Corinne prepares for the schemey, dirty thing she’ll be up to. She’s going to sneak out and see Nick. It’s against Bachelor rules!!! This show has no rules!!!!!! I call 9-1-1, but they keep telling me it’s just for emergencies. I’m not allowed to call 9-1-1 anymore, you guys.
Corinne barges in to Nick’s room. He’s completely surprised to see her, even though they’re both mic’d up and there are camera guys in his hotel room, ready to capture footage of the rendezvous. Nick was totally caught off guard, you guys.
Corinne tells the camera,“I definitely know how to turn on the sex charm.” My dad used to yell that at passing cars. Corinne also says, “My sexabilities are incredible.”
Corrine is confident that she’ll get a hometown date. She says, “Because my heart is golden, but my vagine is platinum.” That was my yearbook quote. Wouldn’t a platinum vagine be painful? Also, I’m going with Jeremy’s spelling of vagine. Not sure if it’s correct, but who am I to correct it? I didn’t even know bajillion was a word.
Corrine takes Nick into his bedroom. The camera doesn’t follow them, but their mics are on, so we get to hear slurping and sexy whispering. ABC plays porno music from the 70’s. Just as things are getting platinum vagine-ey, Nick slams the breaks. He disables Corinne’s sexability and shows her the door. It’s shocking to see Corinne’s sexabilities fail. It’s like that scene in ‘Pleasantville’ when the kid first misses a shot in basketball.
Corrine is broken up over her failed molestation attempt. She says that she thinks she might be going home. As she exits Nick’s hotel, she walks by the doors that open automatically and uses the door you have to push to open. Her sexabilities might be incredible but her doorabilities are shit.
Rachel’s 1-on-1 is next. She’s excited for it. Apparently, Rachel hasn’t been paying attention to all of the other dates where Nick just dumps people.
Nick arrives to pick up Rachel. They do the local stuff, which Rachel absolutely loves. You have no idea. They go to a place where Nick says there are no tourists, only locals. I’m sure the locals are glad that the one thing they hold dear is torn asunder by an STD-ridden psychopath and one of his 5 misguided girlfriends.
Nick and Rachel sit at a bar to drink. I guess I love local stuff too, because I love drinking at bars. Rachel tells Nick that he’ll like her family. They all say that. She also says that, while she’s dated white guys, she’s never brought one home. They act like white guys are stray dogs. It’s not a big deal to bring us home. We won’t pee on anything!
Rachel isn’t worried that her family will disapprove, and even if they do, she won’t have it. She says, “I love sports, but I don’t play games.” I’m going to say that 11 times a day now. The bartender asks them questions. Bimini locals are super nosey. Let them have their date, dude! No wonder tourists don’t go to this bar. You can’t even drink with one of your five girlfriends without the bartender grilling you with questions.
Rachel makes out with Nick for a minute, then their date is done. It’s the fastest 1-on-1 date ever. Nick didn’t even get a chance to dump her. What’s the point of dating a girl if you can’t dump her? Answer me!
Next up, Chris Harrison sits down with Nick to earn his money. Chris Harrison asks Nick what he’s going to do at the rose ceremony. It’s a tough question. It’s also one that Nick doesn’t answer. We’ll have to wait for the rose ceremony. Why bother even asking him that, Chris Harrison?
Back at the hotel, Corinne is freaking out. Corinne doesn’t think that Corinne is getting a rose. I think that Corinne should get a shovel to the face, but I’m not in charge. I’ve never even been to Bimini.
Nick tells Chris Harrison that he doesn’t want to have a rose ceremony. He just wants to dump his next girlfriend now. He’s so excited that he can’t wait to dump her. The music is super dramatic as Nick walks up to the hotel to dump his next girlfriend. We are being led to believe it’s Corinne, but it’s not. Nick goes to get Kristina to dump her. He’s probably still mad that she ate all of that lipstick.
Nick sits Kristina down to dump her. While he’s doing that, Corinne freaks out because she’s too stupid to understand that she’s not being dumped. She’s also acting because she’s been planted by this stupid show to be terrible. I was wrong about her being dumped tonight, but I’m not wrong about that.
Back to the dumping. Nick tells Kristina, “I have such a love for you, but I don’t feel that I’m in love.” I nod a lot because it makes a lot of sense. Kristina says that he didn’t give her a fair chance, which is a great point. I would have countered with, “You’re dating a guy on TV who is dating a bunch of other women”, but I’m not Nick.
Nick tells Kristina that she deserves someone who can give her love. I know I’d want to hear that if I was being dumped. Nick cries while he dumps Kristina. He’s probably so happy that he’s crying. This guy loves his dumpings!
Kristina takes it well. She tells Nick that it’s okay to dump her. They hug. ABC plays soft ‘Kristina is okay with being dumped’ piano music. For the second time in 11 minutes, Nick says that he’s done “the most heart-breaking thing that I’ve had to do.” This guy’s heart is just broken into a bajillion pieces. I guess it is a word.
After dumping Kristina, Nick walks on the beach and thinks, because that’s what you do. Kristina cries in her limo. She wanted love to work for her. She probably shouldn’t have dated a guy on a Reality TV show.
The other girls don’t know what’s going on yet because they don’t have TVs. They keep talking about how unpredictable Nick is, even though the only thing he’s done is dump girls on a show where you’re supposed to dump girls.
Next week, there will be two hours of crying. It will feel more like a bajillion hours. Maybe, if I’m lucky, a pack of feral hogs will devour me in my sleep.