If you had to eat a raw, dead skunk, the worst part would be the smell. The entire experience would be terrible, but I imagine the smell would be downright unbearable. Watching the Bachelor is like eating a raw, dead skunk and the ‘Women Tell All’ episode is definitely the smell. It’s the worst part of a disgusting, putrid thing. The ‘Women Tell All’ episode is the icing on the smelly, rotten cake. It’s the eventual cause of my insanity. It’s ‘The Bachelor’!
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Ben Higgins has two girlfriends left. Next week, he’ll dump one of them and ask the other one to marry him. It’s a fairy tale. Before that, most of his 26 ex-girlfriends get one last chance to be on TV. There will be stupid questions, fake fighting and BLOOPERS! It all happens in front of a studio audience. I can’t even stand how excited I am.
We start with a preview of the crap we’re about to watch. You guys, judging by the preview footage, this is going to be the most dramatic ‘Women Tell All’ episode ever! And I don’t throw those words around lightly. I’m very serious about my drama.
Next, Chris Harrison welcomes the studio audience of cat owners. He shows us how he and Ben Higgins jumped into a car and surprised Bachelor viewing parties around the country. ABC cameras accompany Chris Harrison and Ben Higgins as they burst in on regular people while they’re watching The Bachelor at home. They just march into these people’s houses with cameras. It’s like Cops, but more depressing.
There’s a ton of screaming. All of the houses they visit are really nice because ABC doesn’t like poor people and they’re sure as hell not going into a poor person’s house. There would be paneling and processed lunch meat.
ABC shows footage of crap we’ve already seen a couple of times. It’s a good way to start. You never want to rush into something this dramatic and stressful. ABC is always thinking of our health. I heard a story about a guy who watched ‘The Women Tell All’ once and skipped through all of the rerun footage and his heart exploded.
Next, Chris Harrison introduces the contestants while the cat owners scream. There’s just so much screaming. This episode is basically two hours of introducing people and then the audience screaming.
ABC shows Lace being mean to Jubilee. Lace tells the camera, “Jubilee just showed her Virginia.” It sounds like ‘Virginia”, but I’m guessing she meant to say “vagina.” It’s possible that Lace thinks a vagina is called a Virginia. I wouldn’t be surprised by anything at this point.
We get more footage of girls being mean to other girls. It’s amazing that girls would be mean to girls who are dating their boyfriend. You would think that girls would be super nice to other girls dating their boyfriend. I know, when a guy makes out with my wife, I’m always super nice to that guy. I never care if he wants to show America his Virginia.
The women respond to the mean footage. While Amanda is talking, a chicken starts flapping around and distracts everyone. Oh yeah, there’s a chicken on the show. One of the girls brought a chicken. There’s no time to explain. There’s just a chicken. Keep up!
Leah gets put on the hot seat because she did something during the season. The girls all yell at her for that something. I don’t really remember it and I can’t understand what they’re all yelling about because it’s poorly edited and there’s a chicken screaming. I hope you think I’m kidding about this, but I’m not. This is an accurate depiction of ‘The Women Tell All’.
Why are the women telling all? They always tell all. Why can’t they just tell none? While they’re telling all, can the women tell me why they hate me so much that they’d bother to tell all? Is that a part of all? If the women are going to tell all, they should, at the very least, explain why they went on a show to date a guy who was also dating 27 other women and then complain that things didn’t go perfectly. That would be something I’d like to hear. I don’t even need to hear “all”, just that part.
Things are happening again, so keep up! Jami puts Jubilee on the spot, saying that Jubilee bragged that she’d be the first real black girl to make it far on the show. Jami is mixed race, so she was offended by this. Jubilee denies ever saying this. Jami disagrees. If only there was some way to know who was lying, like checking the 39 billion hours of camera footage from the season. Jami says that Jubilee said she was “the real black girl.” Jubilee corrects her and says that she said, “I’m the full black girl.” She doesn’t understand why this is offensive. Jami does. Look, no one understands what the hell is going on, but we can all agree that “all” is being told. They’re certainly telling all. We’re listening to all. I heard all. I’m so full of all, I may never eat again.
Chris Harrison brings Jubilee up to the hot seat. He shows footage of her journey and then asks her questions about the crap we just watched. Jubilee cries a bunch. She’s being the full black girl, for sure.
During the season, Jubilee said that she’s hard to love. I agree because I don’t love her. Grant it, I’m not trying hard. I’m not sure how hard it would be to love Jubilee. I’m sure if she said “hi” to me or accidentally touched my shoulder, I’d love her. We may never know.
Chris Harrison continues to ask Jubilee about her feelings and assures her that she’s lovable. She cries a bunch. Chris Harrison is basically a half-assed psychiatrist. We watch a therapy session and then Jubilee smiles because the studio audience claps for her. Jubilee becomes jubilant. I’m happy for her.
Lace is next on the hot seat. We watch footage of Lace being a complete basket case during the season. During the recap, Lace says “It’s like my tattoo says, you can’t love someone until you love yourself.” I must have missed that quote weeks ago. I’m so mad at myself. That’s a tremendous quote.
Chris Harrison asks Lace if she’s still crazy. She says she’s not crazy and that she’s come a long way in life. The audience doesn’t even clap. It’s awko taco. While Lace is telling the camera that she’s not crazy, some random guy in the audience interrupts the show. He says tells Lace, “You’re not crazy, but you’re crazy beautiful.” I think it must be William Shakespeare.
The guy comes out onto the set and shows Lace that he has a tattoo of her face on the side of his body. Chris Harrison acts like this is completely random and not at all planned. He acts like it’s a super spontaneous moment and not a carefully planned moment on the crappiest program on television. Like strangers can just walk onto the set of a television show and take their shirts off to show their tattoos. They can’t. I hate this show so much. The tattoo isn’t even real. It’s not even an interesting staged moment.
Lace goes back to being a victim. She tells America that she needed to work on herself after leaving the show and that she needs stability. Then, Chris Harrison asks her to be on Bachelor in Paradise and she accepts. Being on the island with evil, manipulative, horny people while cameras push in three inches away from her face should provide her with the stability she needs. I’m just glad that Lace is getting help.
Olivia is next on the hot seat. We get to see footage of her giant mouth. It’s still annoying.
Amanda takes Olivia to task because Olivia called her a teen mom. Amanda didn’t like being called a teen mom because she’s a 23-year old mom, not a teen mom. How dare Olivia take away 4 or 5 years of her mom experience by reducing her to teen status. All is being told!!!
Amanda is proud of being a mom. She says, “I love being a mom. It’s my whole life.” That must be why she abandoned her children for 3 months to be on a Reality TV show where a guy dates 28 women, only to have her kids hastily dragged into the failed Reality TV relationship. You can really see her momness! I’m in awe of it.
The twins take on Olivia because she always grabbed Ben right away on group dates. They are mad at her for trying to date her boyfriend. How dare she try to grab her boyfriend and pull him aside to talk to him? Olivia tells the camera that she’s socially awkward and has had problems her entire life. Then, she tells all about how people are mad at her on the Twitters and Facebooks. Olivia cries. We watch her cry. While she cries, some of the cat owners in the audience nod their approval. You guys were nodding your approval too, admit it. America now approves of Olivia and her problems. Olivia is clearly an American hero. It was nice of ABC to help her repair the reputation they intentionally destroyed with clever editing, sinister music and choreographed casting based on personality tests that matched Olivia with people they knew wouldn’t be compatible with her. ABC cares.
Caila is next on the hot seat. We watch footage of Caila falling in love with Ben. We’re reminded what it was like. I had totally forgotten throughout the course of the week, so I’m glad they showed it. You just get so busy with work and chores around the house, you forget how Caila fell in love with Ben. Now I can finally remember. It’s painful, at best.
Caila sits there and watches her painful journey. That must be fun. I’d turn the channel. While she’s in anguish, Chris Harrison asks her, “What was that like?” Okay, he’s the worst person alive. I would so much love to see a cement truck fall on Chris Harrison’s stupid, serious-expressioney face. And after the truck fell on his face, I’d ask, “What was that like?”
Caila cries to America because it wasn’t easy to tell Ben that she loved him. It was especially tough to be dumped by Ben right after she told him she loved him. There’s a bunch of talking. We listen to it. It happens. Caila is telling all. She hasn’t mentioned anything about Boron or the Pythagorean theorem, but there’s plenty of time left in the show to get to all that.
Next, Ben Higgins comes out to tell all. So much all is being told. It’s hard to hear it all. I’m forced to breathe into a paper bag for 11 minutes to keep from passing out.
Chris Harrison confronts Ben because he has told two women he loves them. Harrison is all like, “That was dumb.” Ben says, “Well, I did love two women.” Harrison accepts his love of two women. It’s accepty. The cat owners in the audience accept it.
Ben apologizes to Caila for dumping her. She accepts his apology. Some of the other girls ask him stupid questions and he answers them. We’re healing a bunch of wounds. This show is like a giant, crusty scab on my heart, stopping me from bleeding to death.
Jubilee asks Ben why he dumped her. He tells her that he tried not to dump her but she wouldn’t stop being dumpable. Ben tells all of the women that it’s not their fault that he dumped them. He shares in the fault for the dumpiness. It’s true, you know, in any dumping there is a dumper and a dumpee. It’s not Ben’s fault that these women are undateable.
Amanda tells Ben that he’s going to be an amazing husband because he chased her kids around the beach for 5 minutes. Becca thanks Ben for dumping her with such class and hopes that Ben finds happiness. I’ll never understand these women. They’re totally drinking the Kool-aid … and telling all. All is being told, you guys. We’re listening to all.
Chris Harrison tells Ben that he has a huge question and ABC teases it for 3 commercial breaks and acts like it’s super dramatic. It turns out that he asks Ben to name which twin is Haley and which twin is Emily. It’s twinstant trivia. Ben gets the question right. It wasn’t dramatic at all, you guys.
To make sure we don’t walk away thinking about how much of a sham this show is, ABC shows us BLOOPERS! The bloopers are totally bloopey. I LOL a ton! I’ve totally forgotten how ABC purposely manipulates women and puts them in untenable situations so the network can turn a huge profit.
Chris Harrison thanks Ben for being such a good Bachelor. He says that Ben is on the Mt. Rushmore of Bachelors. I’m guessing that monument would show Ben’s face next to Jake the Pilot and two Brad Womacks, since he was on the show twice. Maybe Jason Mesnick, as long as the rock was slimy.
We conclude the episode with preview footage of next week’s dramatic finale. Ben loves both women. He’s going to get engaged to one and dump the other. I hope he picks the right one because you’re not allowed to just date a girl for a couple of weeks to determine if she’s right for you. Not in this universe.